我又梦到我爸了。 梦到他没事老躲着我，我天涯海角地寻他。 找到他后，他却不理我，老想要抽离，追求他的解脱。 醒来后，又得从新接受他已不在人世的事实。 心痛得想一直睡过去，在有爸爸的梦境里。
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
This time this year, I am a sappy emo shit again because my Dad passed away and I am saving myself from more heartbreak by trying to stop this hookup with a handsame UK guy.
How frivolous did I sound like?
Never did I perceive myself this way. I am always the boring geeky me, and yet when you put those 2 sentences together, I sounded like a boob.
And here I am unable to concentrate on work because he is not responding to my withdrawal! What a total anxiety pill. ><
On one hand, I want my inner peace and I want to shield myself from more heartbreak and people coming in and leaving my life, leaving me trampled and a mess. That including my Dad, who decidedly left us, so sudden that I am still unable to grapple with the fact after a month. I want to keep away from this handsome guy that I was casually seeing because after we've hooked up, we are not talking enough and I feel like I was just an object of sex to him, and although I really liked having sex with him, it leaves me feeling empty and lonelier than anything. So I've decided to tell him, in a "weird" way, that I don't want to have this hookup anymore, because I can no longer live with 'no strings attached', I'm starting to wonder if he got what I really meant.
Well painful as it is, I just know that I have to do this.
I really do like him, but somehow it doesn't seem like an option to take it further...or is that because I am too cowardly?
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
My beloved Father passed away on 22nd July 2014. It has been a week since.
I’m pretty sure my Dad just stopped existing and what we have of him now is his worldy possessions and his cremated remains. I am skeptical about the spirits and the afterlife, when I am weak I pray to my Dad asking him ‘How is he?’, when I am sober and clear, I tell myself that my Dad is dead and his spirit (even if it exists) has left us. And now our future and short term goals change and my Dad is no longer in the picture.
Such is the cold hard truth.
Honestly, I find cold hard truths comforting, as they do not change according to someone’s whim. And this cold hard truth of my Dad’s sudden passing is a constant reminder that everyone comes and leaves alone, and it is the short time we have on this Earth that we try to fill it with as much kinship, friendships and wonderful things as possible.
I don’t know how I can collect bits and pieces of my Dad’s life and make it into something memorable. I have a wish to print his musings, prose and letters into a book.
What I got a harsh reminder from his death is how bad procrastinating is, how urgent life is that it waits for no one, and if you don’t make it for what you’ve been given, you do not get back any second chance at it. I have procrastinated bringing my parents on a family trip, and there I’d forever be regretful of never going to have the chance to do that anymore.
I earnestly want to make it up by bringing my mother on many trips, creating as much experiences with her as possible before our lives as we live it now changes.
In some little way I am grateful of the impetus my Dad gave me. I’d have to work as hard as possible to make it up for his absence. I need and will grow up, throwing away all silly childishness and put family as top priority.
Health is so very important. I promise to take my mother on regular checkups especially it is during her menopause period. I’d have to start earning much more money than now, so that when disaster hits again, I am prepared and able to spear through it.
I am regretful that I used to take my happiness for granted.
My past 25 years has been so blissful now I feel ashamed of myself that I was discontented from time to time. My close-knitted family has stayed together through thick and thin, no betrayal no cheating no hate towards one another. My parents are loving and they love each other despite their daily bickering and nagging each other. How could I have not appreciated the lively at-go earlier, but miss it so much now.
I am my father’s continuation, and I promise to live up to his expectations. I will never leave them and will always be where they need me.
Only when he is gone do I realize how much influence he has on me. He is in my mind constantly. I can have conversations with him as if he is still alive. He is my guide to life, and he will continue living his life through me. We both have an analytical mind, mine was wild and wandering and sometimes lost, I had him to go to when I got lost and he will bring me back, and I trust that he is a catch-save in my mind now, and I can still go to him when I am lost.
I appreciate all the efforts of friends and relatives here that helped making life after his death much easier by helping out with worldly matters which me and my mom are not equiped enough to handle without stress. We had enough time and care for us to grieve for my Dad, and not much negative feelings has been collected and not released.
It is rather regretful that I am not able to pay my respects to my dying Grandmother. I am very grateful for her, if not for her there won’t be me, and that she is strong and loving, and she especially doted on my Dad. If I believed in the afterlives, I hope they will be reunited in the same realm and they can catch up on life in the afterlives without the pain and troubles of worldly matters. My thoughts go out to them always.
My Dad has prepared me well for his leaving. He knew that given how close we are, I’d have a hard time accepting this loss. I am apprehensive of going back to our home and having to face the raw disappointment of him not being there, and having to go through all of his belongings.
Sometimes I feel that there is a poetic coincidence in how things happen that I have suspect he knew it all already.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 06, 2013
I had sex. Counting 3 times. I think sex is awesome. The last time we did it in a tent. Weee. Sex drive activated. Awesome holiday I must say.
Leaving today I will really miss this man. He is after all my first man. Heehee. And I must say he is a good man and one who possess qualities that I look for.
Must have one last go before I leave this place. The past 2 days have been awesome.
Friday, May 17, 2013
1. The job was not a top-most priority for me. It was more of a bragging right kind of thing? Like I felt empowered to be called up to do something like this and thinking it's gonna be a breeze and a piece of cake.
Well, under ideal circumstances it would have been quite doable assuming I have everything I need at hand before I start animating. I didn't even reach the core of the job, to animate, because I spent so much time on modelling the structure and tweaking the model which became so complicated and off-the-tracks till I had no time to do the right stuffs. (Point taken and noted)
2. Also, I cannot assume that everybody else will understand what I am doing. I have to explain to them in clear laymen terms so that they can feel at ease. Them feeling at ease will equate to less stressful messages and calls, and a more comfortable working pace and mood.
Third, really need to beware of circumstances as a freelancer whereby the client can just decide not to use you and outsource the job to someone better and more efficient, and you won't get a single cent back because there's no formal agreement or contract between you. Also, this time round I did not collect a deposit, for fear that I cannot deliver the goods, but should serve as a reminder that next time when I freelance I need to collect a deposit before I start work.
3. Commitment issues. I have over-committing and under-committing issues. I spread myself out too much and cannot go deep into one area with focus. This is exactly what occurred to me repeatedly throughout my university life. More often than not, I will start off over-committing myself to a lot of activities, and gradually I will find my focus and fade out from the less important ones. While this is logically sound, it does not reflect that well on myself and also I learn less about stuffs.
4. While I angst, I should never ever ever channel it to someone innocent. If I have the time to push for blames I'd rather use that time to do better work. I felt really bad for sounding annoyed at my Dad over the phone, at the very least I could take a deep breath and explain slowly. Always understand that I can only blame myself for everything and never ever take it out on someone else, especially my parents.
5. I'm kind of glad that the hard truth of my being hit me. That I always over-value myself even though I feel that I didn't. The fact that I thought I could accomplish stuff without even trying first, is super duper uber over-my-head kind of egoistic and proud, not to say over-value myself. Which is why everytime I end under-delivering, I make excuses and bank on my use of language to tide myself through. Not saying that that is not a good skill to have, but that is not the good way out for things. Who doesn't want success? To accomplish things? to be able to show off some unique skill or prowess? One must work hard before one can make promises.
6. Need to stop being a slacker and work hard starting from now because job starts in 2 months, and I want to contribute and make friends and accomplish things in Lucasfilm. I need to be at least hardworking.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
Also a quick update, I got my job settled, going to start work on the 15th of July. I'm not sure whether it is my dream job, but it definitely is somewhat my dream company. I would be so filled with pride and enthusiasm each day going to work and I feel myself getting all excited and all and being all ready to give myself to the company.
For now I don't know what exactly I can bring to the company in terms of skills and achievements, but I know for sure this company is going to teach me so much that I will literally explode with knowledge and I hope that in the near future I am able to be really good at what I want to do which is modelling and animating, but at the same time I want to know how everything else works. Gosh, I am trembling with excitement as I write this!
And everything is going really well in my life now, I am not scared to say in fear of losing everything in an instant because they are real! Like I earned every bit of it. And my trip to tibet took a pretty unexpected turn of events but I'm glad to say its more exciting than before, for now luh. Not really sure whether it will turn out eventually but I set my mind on Tibet and I've got to go there!
I don't know what I will find there or what I am looking for in Tibet, but I just know that I have to go there this holiday and it will be a meaningful grad trip to remember. Perhaps I have always felt a lack of spiritual support/activities/knowledge that I intend to immerse myself in a "spiritual land". I know it's naive to assume and expect things when all I have done is merely google Tibet, I haven't even read a book about it yet so I have to remind myself to keep my mind open about things and soak in everything when I'm there. I will myself to write notes everyday and I've gotten my travelogue ready.