I swear this is the worst

this is the worst feeling ever, I am slowly giving up my integrity and pride in change for academic marks, and I am afraid that I'd get caught. I feel like just throwing it all away and depend on me myself and code it out using my own knowledge, skills and whatsoever. Been asking myself, whether this is what I really want? and each time I answered yes, so why do I no thrive in it? Because of laziness? too much pride to handle failure? I am all torn up because this really is what i want to do, and now I am afraid of it...I keep telling myself "prize to the person who don't give up", guess I just did when I decided I will rely on someone else's code just to get myself through this assignment. I have no morals, I have no self, I have no face to tell myself that I am proud of who i am. yet, I really find no drive to push myself through this by myself anymore....someone save me....

dance is my escape, i wanna dance till all this, goes away.......

aha

i run away and hide :D
looking forward to hols.
earn money and learn things.
awesome possumzzz

i dont wanna fall into the same situation again

zwy stay strong. don't cry, don't be sad, be focused, and concentrate on fulfilling yourself. mark clear your goals and don't be distracted. if it's meant to be, it will be. go go jiayou!

outlet

one should be grateful to have outlets for emotions. i am grateful i have people who listens to my shit, and tries to clear the shit for me; i am grateful for inanimate objects that will put up with whatever shit i have, even though i seldom go down this route. NO this is not an emo post, i was merely pissed off earlier. guess i should be thankful that at least they brought it upfront, not behind my back, i absolutely hate that and cannot stand it. If only everybody is more frank and more open about their own opinions, i think the world might be a little bit better. imagine voicing out ur disagreements when u really do disagree with something, straightforward like a fucking straightline right, makes things so much simpler for everybody. even if facing strong opposing forces, u try to disagree as strongly, even if in the end you don't get your way, at least the other party knows that u disagree, and with some conscience and understanding, they can do some compromise to accommodate, at least they have the option. if you don't voice out at all, and choose to suffer in silence thinking how self-sacrificing you are, you are messing up all the straightlines, and making it more complicated than it should be, which is dumb. i sometimes feel some people nowadays really take their own promises too lightly, and credit really dun mean a shit anymore. i miss the time when people really honour their words, the best horse cannot chase back a gentleman's promise. seriously the honorable human qualities are disappearing. once again, i am not emo, i am not unhappy, i am just lamenting how warped the world is. not saying that im right all the time, or this time round, but even a bit of "hey i got ur back" kind of thing would have been great, where's our sense of community if we even have one to begin with.

KRDP is awesome

its over...sigh of relief that it went awesome and well and ended nicely with a proposal. omg it's a sight of human emotional uproar...idk how to put it into nicer words, i just kept crying and crying nonstop because its just tear-beckoning. on a personal note, i feel accomplished, i rmb telling myself that i want to be part of DU after watching it last year, and here I performed in KR's first ever dance production and it feels awesome to follow something through from beginning to end. and performing on stage is exhilarating, the adrenaline, the energy, the attention, i want them all over and over again!Next time, I want THE LIMELIGHT!And being part of something so big and wonderful is, and forever, special and inscribed in memory. i will continue dancing, and become an awesome dancer, because dancing makes me feel alive, and everyone should dance, the most beautiful physical emotion. i feel humbled and awesome at the same time. dddddd!

ZWY wth are u doing???

ZWY wth are you doing???
You are not focussed, u are procrastinating, u are everything but the thing that you want to be. Do you think that ur time is neverending? what if today's the last day u have?? what if you don't wake up tmr?? why are u wasting time doing things that don't matter? what do you want out of this life??? u have gone through qlc, and you know what you want, OBVIOUSLY, and yet, what have you done about it?? nothing?? u are a pile of useless living piece of shit. u don't push urself for anything? din u want to make tons of good friends? and what have you? playing emo and aloof in one corner waiting for people to approach you? u completely know how to go out and be yourself, and yet time and time again, u coop urself up in that useless cage and refuse to go out. what the fucking shit are u doing??? i am appalled at you, and i am angry at you. whatever u have now reflects who u are, and what u don't have u want but don't have also reflects who you are. its not about looks, not about money, not about what u wear and what u carry, it's about what you do, what you say, how you do it and how u say it. u have a conscience, and u know that whatever u are doing now, is not good for yourself. please, always be humble and proactive, that is what u should be. always...not just infront of people, always, all the time...zwy, time is not gonna wait for you...u know that and u will do that. and be that awesome person u want to be. stop stopping halfway and not finishing what u started. zwy discipline, discipline. don't make me do this again.

ralala

i exclaim once again that time pass so freaking fast that it pisses me off. its recess week already yo, and DP is in just 2 weeks time, to think the first prac for DP was during culture night period, omg, so long ago!
I joined DU combined item, and hopefully SAD too, shall zam dance perf this sem coz next sem most likely not staying in hall anymore, so just ZAM.
dance every day nxt week, I am excited...amazingly. and I can't wait to appear on stage in my air stewardess costume, :D, midrift ftw.
need to apply internship soon.
need to study more.
what else
my grandmother is flying back soon. I totally havn't spent much time with her this time, and I am guilty of intentionally escaping from her, coz idk, sometimes she could be a little too intense, and too much sadness for me to bear i thought. but i am regretful most of the times, coz who's to say there will be a next time? emo...i want to spend my days at home suddenly...but at least she's coming to watch me perform on stage, i would give my best even if it's just to give her something to remember of me...
i feel the weight of so many things, responsibilities that fall on you, that you take up, that u unwillingly take up, that you want to throw away but cant...yadda yadda and more...I find my escapism in watching movies that once inspired me, that gives me the push to pursue my dream...such will keep me going.
everyone is going through some mindless boggling time now i feel, and such escapism as movies and dance keeps us sane...thank god for these precious times.

woosh

time flies, and its been so long since i last blogged, rocky horror show...seems like so long ago...even Taiwan seemed so long ago. seriously, life is getting on my nerves, can things ever please slow down for a sec, and lemme take it in slowly?? things change, people changed, I changed...I'm glad I've had this blog for so long, I constantly need to check back to regain myself, tell myself who I am...where my bearings are.

I wonder whether it is social pressure or what not, I suddenly feel like I want a boyfriend, like seriously want one coz I want one not because everybody else has one. I guess it's probably time, I grow up so slowly I want to slap myself. But this is genetics, my Mom and Dad are childish people even at their age, I really shouldn't be blamed.

it's hard to take in what people think of me now, some part of me wants to answer to their expectations and be what they expect me to be. I know visually I have improved somewhat and shifted mainstream, but I am still that mix of boyish and girly piece of shit I ever was. looking back, I wonder why did I take the asexual path I took years back, probably coz of rebellion, going the extreme coz parents dun want me to become a vain kid, so I just became a boy. I was suddenly reminded of sec3 pasts, about tyler, and the online friends that I got to know...just bittersweet memories of growing up...my youthful days, I now view with respect...how did I ever dared to do all those things, I have no idea...

...
i am appalled by myself...i signed up for twitter...i have no morals...
twitter turn out to be exactly what i thought it was, an eviler version of facebook, much more...it allowed me to see how bored everybd is and how much attention people need to live on...i am appalled that i broke my abstinance and i am such a loser to succumb to curiosity and equal yearn for attention.

My Sweet Transvestite

Went to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Yijun just now. I feel surreal now, like can't remember whether I really did watch it. Probably cause my second best seats were in the second level, the stage was far away. Should totally get first level front seats so can interact with the characters, it was damn funny. Oh well, no complains, it was a good musical, anyway, and I had a great time. The cast really look like nothing down-stage, like normal, and the main tranny was a huge muscular man, just cannot make the link. will watch it again when chance comes. apparently people watch it over and over again, and do things like flashing their torchlights during the song (something about lights), and people throw toilet paper up onto the stage, just that it wasn't like everybody doing it, only a couple, would have been awesome if I could throw something too, but I was too far. great show great show

MIDRIFT

i am going to die of embarrassment because I have to bare my pale fat stomach to the whole world for DP, with fluttering thighs thrown in along. god help me, gimme amazing abs in 2 months, and resilience against attacks of the taiwan.

going to taiwan in counting just 5 days! omg, i am numbed with excitement. I feel like one million things, i feel like a bottle of half-drunk yoghurt smoothie. aha. bet u cant understand that. my intellectual exceeds u beyond longing reach.

back home aft one week of hall, ha, the recharge centre, except for constant drum of pessimistic grandmother talk, i love home. cant imagine if i cant get NOC next yr and not staying in hall no more, my life will be devoted to the singapore transport system. no f u, no.

im sorry this is an aimless post, because my brain is in a hunger spree, from starving myself, no lunch but yoghurt smoothies. fml. well in exchange for the meat sale, i get to keep the sponsored chio white LOJEL luggage. im easily bought i realized.

i look like a retard while dancing

I am obsessed with the dance prac videos, I review them like a hundred million times and I ridicule myself each and everytime. ok, sometimes I smug a little when I did smth when I thought I couldn't do. BUT, largely, most of the time, I look retarded, mother shit, I am pissed with myself. I neeeed to lose weight, wtf, fat shit, I look like double everybody else's size, and I move SLOWWWWW, omg, feel like slapping myself into shape and slapping myself into quick movements. Rarr, pissed with myself.

1/1/2011

ahh how nice, the first day of 2011. I totally don't feel anything different. Fireworks last night was awesome, love fireworks, so visually stunning. I am a visual person btw. and JESS, we survived the test, and onward to TAIWAN!!!

ahh, i am not trying to be racist, but waking to malay tunes at a malay wedding down at the voideck, not necessary the most poetic thing to start off the year, and listening to it the whole day is increasingly annoying. I wonder whether any concern for the community is there when they hold their wedding. Not trying to dampen their spirits or anything, but its just noisy.

anyway, been reading the book Wild Swans by Doctor Jung Chang, made me think alot differently about my parents, and myself, and ultimately my country. I am indeed lucky to be born after the terrifying years of internal struggle, of famine, of Cultural Revolution, of the personality cult of Mao ZeDong. Several times I was brought to tears by the images the book presented, about how far humanity was stretched in times of total obscenity. How Mao had manipulated the people for the worst just to remain in control. I wonder whether he ever regretted his decisions, because being a man in power, his one word could have repercussions so farreaching, even I, not born in his time of power, lived under his influence and had my life lived directly in reaction to him. The fact that I have no siblings is because of him, the fact that I am in a foreign is again because of him, the fact that I look back to a painful past in my country is also very much because of him. Once again, it is ultimately annoying when u can't hate someone completely and indignantly, despite his wrongs, he had his rights that were equally undeniable. It's hard to find an equilibrium for the feelings I have about him.

Not given a choice actually, we all who were born in China have to carry the consequences of choices made before us.

Meh I can't believe I am still pissed at the Indian owner of the second hand book store, he freaking blindly charge me so much for 3 torn and tattered books, I might as well go buy new ones right. Granted that they are literature and a copy of HP7, but fact is they are really in bad conditions and you have so many copies of each that the price is just outrageous, somemore the books might just sit thr forever, you never know when you will meet the next buyer what, what a lousy business man. The last time I sold my books to that store they bought at 1 dollar each WTF just kena ripped off, Whr got ppl so shamelessly charge so high and try to earn 600% profit from second hand books. Obviously they don't get the concept of selling second hand books, the main point is to sell it damn freaking cheap so that the copy can be circulated and not go to waste sitting on shelf and yellow. Aargh, I wish I had the guts to yell at the guy, and demand my cheap torn books and emerge victorious from this battle of finding the dirt cheap good stuff, shit. I wish I had the guts to ask him to stop singing 'thank u's, freaking fake and patronizing, somemore can tell me 'I am the boss, I set the price' fuck u la, must be u murdered the kind old Indian man who ripped me off last time but sold me books at dirt cheap price, and took over the shop right. Unbelievable man, this is NOT the way to run a second-hand store! It is not about profits anymore okay!

Damn freaking cold sitting outside nlb, it's probably colder than sitting inside, aaargh.
Ranting makes me feel better, although still very cold!!!!

QLC like totally conquered!

At age 21, I have a dream.
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!

I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.

Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.

At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.

These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.

I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.

Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...

each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.

Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.

I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.

I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!

The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.

Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!

I have a DREAM!

what's that word again? oh yes, smothered. I FEEL SMOTHERED. LIKE I CANNOT BREATHE!
sadly, my family is killing me slowly as they unconsciously try to SMOTHER me. zzz. i need my independence, i need my freedom, NOC come quick!

ehehe this is pretty funny, just watch the full one, kind of lame funny. I really wanna be in this

perfectionist

i can't stand it when people talk to me in sugar-coated ways or having some agenda. why can't people just cut straight to the point omg. idk sometimes i get the feeling that they are trying to impress me, but all the more i am unimpressed, just you know say what u really want to say???? do i look like i am a three year old who needs to be cajoled, or worse be explained to in simple-belittling-language, into believing something??? would i mind if u are really a boring person and u tell me that u are a boring person?? no. i will mind if u are a really boring person but keep trying to bore me by telling me u are not boring. rarr. its so hard to be a nice person! i want to be nice and smiling and gentle, but no, world allows me no choice to be nice, i can only blame my screwed up genetics maybe. "no kitchen very hot one" wtf...simigl...i am not 3 years old please..........

Childish

My Dad is angry at me for nothing, if that is what is seems to be. And honestly I can't be bothered to find out what nothing is. I dunno, call me defiant or unfilial, I really just had too much of it. I just don't care anymore. Although it still somewhat upsets me, because it makes me feel inadequate, afar from the ideal daughter he has in mind. I'm sorry I'm so useless that I can't impress you in any ways, let alone live up to that expectation. I tried, but failed, I am as imperfect as I am perfect. I like the way I am, chill and carefree, and I don't want to be tied down by EXPECTATIONS wtf. It's like the more I try to break out of it, the tighter it holds on, and coming from my own parents. Is it fair to expect someone else to do your job when you can't do it? It is not fair, but it doesn't hurt for a couple of times, but it is not fine if you blame that someone for failing at a task that you should do? Idk, it's my father I'm talking about. Sometimes I am resentful for all the indirect pain he caused me. Like growing up in a foreign country, and growing up among peers younger than me. I didn't have a say in anything, and I had to bear with all the pain of those decisions. I know it sounds selfish and childish now that I am putting blames on my Dad when his intentions were nothing but good, and he for sure went through so much more than me, but I'm sorry I can't help it, if I can't express it here, I will implode with it. Who knows who would I have become if I were back home? Probably some successful prodigy in everything, who knows. But now, at such senior age, I try to pick up things I should have started learning 10 years ago? Perseverance much? Sometimes it just weighs on me, and I feel so inferior. Compared to who I could have been. Sigh. Be angry at me by all means if it makes you happier, younger, whatever. I just don't fucking give a damn.

Ramble on

I have no idea how I spent my last week. yes I had two camps back to back, but now it just seems like a misty memory that I sometimes ask whether I made that all up. Memory failing like fk. but anyways, rekindled enthusiasm for windsurfing, which I still think its damn cool, and was glad that the peeps there are kind of funny and friendly. eat, sleep, windsurf...hehe.

results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.

have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.

finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.

my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.

well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.

phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.

fuck sian

i dance like a retard