As the pressure of getting attached gets into my head, I start to become some sappy 做作 shit that I don't like.
Last night I cried because I found out that Wahaha threw away the letter that I wrote to him last semester. It probably didn't matter to him, but it broke my heart, in a tiny way, and I feel stupid for assuming that he will keep it. That probably goes to show that I don't matter to him the way he matters to me. And all these over-thinking things really bogs me down and I really don't wanna over-think anymore.
And I should stop feeling sorry for myself because there's no one to blame, and there's no blame to push. I probably just assumed and didn't really give away any inklings of myself coz I am just too scared or timid, and I get mad at people when they don't automatically understand what I am thinking. My facade of peace and calm is falling apart and I should probably just admit it that I am really not one to be wishy-washy and be caught in the whirlpool of my own thoughts.
Either way, I kinda feel lighter and more grounded because now at least I am a little bit closer to the truth? I am not living in my own made up world of worship and admiration (that's a little exaggerated but kinda true too). In any scale, I'm not being totally fair to Wahaha by expecting so much from him when he doesn't know I had feelings for him (which may totally be self-constructed in my head).
That said, I feel much more at ease with myself that hey I'm normal, I have self-doubts and fear of being rejected, but I act all righteous to hide it and all.
I gotta try to be more open and accepting and less easily hurt. This world is fucked up we all know it, but its up to us to discover the amazing beautiful moments from this fucked-up-ness, and I got to get off my lazy ass and do something about this world, this life. If I just keep complaining about it, nothing is going to change, and I will be sabotaging myself.
I know what I like, but sometimes, I gotta like things that are good for me.