lately i have this surreal feeling about me.
I may be talking laughing wadever, but at the same time I feel detached from it all. I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines, observing everything. Why?????
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
2012
dun ask me why, but i sort like the idea of 2012, i liked the idea that the whole world is coming to an end.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
super funny
wtf meenu james is my top friend on facebook, unbelievable ttm...tt is fucking super loser but dam funny at the same time. i dunno how to face her anymore. wtf top friend. just bushuang. lol
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Cramps
My leg cramped in the middle of the night, I didn't wake up, but I remembered something dreadful happened in my dreams. I woke up thinking, it is really nice if someone could massage my cramped leg in the midst of sleep.
How come..
why is it that I can always find something else to do when I have the most imminent thing on my hand already. I have a paper to sit for tomorrow and two on the day next. Frankly speaking, I'm in totally no position to take the paper because I haven't learned half the syllabus, let alone revision and preparing for exam!?
I have come to terms with myself that this semester was overwhelming much, that I misplaced my balance. I dabble in things so many that I couldn't focus on any one of them, I totally missed my entire purpose in University. I even needed someone to remind me that my purpose here is to study. For that period of time, I didn't know what was I doing here. Now as I think back, I find myself utterly ridiculous. Sidetrack, I just watched first ep of the drama called Privileged, and I feel inspired by the "what-do-call-the-main-person" who was motivated, focused and ambitious, but got lost in the middle of life and the story tells how she pick herself up along helping others. Nowadays, I think that belief is a choice, I choose to believe in something and I commit to it. I choose to believe in finding a goal and working for it, for if I find this worthy goal or ambition, I don't want it to come to me free, I want to attain it through my own work. Some may say, street smart please, why work so hard? Why? Coz it's worth it. Random ramblings, but I feel like I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am setting standards for myself, not like how I used to work to standards set by teachers and/or parents, now I work for myself. yup, back to mugging. PS: I am greatly amused by "Muggerita". I can't help it.
I have come to terms with myself that this semester was overwhelming much, that I misplaced my balance. I dabble in things so many that I couldn't focus on any one of them, I totally missed my entire purpose in University. I even needed someone to remind me that my purpose here is to study. For that period of time, I didn't know what was I doing here. Now as I think back, I find myself utterly ridiculous. Sidetrack, I just watched first ep of the drama called Privileged, and I feel inspired by the "what-do-call-the-main-person" who was motivated, focused and ambitious, but got lost in the middle of life and the story tells how she pick herself up along helping others. Nowadays, I think that belief is a choice, I choose to believe in something and I commit to it. I choose to believe in finding a goal and working for it, for if I find this worthy goal or ambition, I don't want it to come to me free, I want to attain it through my own work. Some may say, street smart please, why work so hard? Why? Coz it's worth it. Random ramblings, but I feel like I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am setting standards for myself, not like how I used to work to standards set by teachers and/or parents, now I work for myself. yup, back to mugging. PS: I am greatly amused by "Muggerita". I can't help it.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Haha I am elated and super amused
I am elated because I think I let go of something that won't belong to me, and I stopped longing for it, lest feel lousy over it. I am amused because, I seriously think I am much better. So, kudos to myself for overcoming it. it was rather undescribable experience, it gave me much FRUSTRATIONS, and I am so glad it's over. my elation bloomed while I was washing up just now. it just came like that, and I think this is the kind of joy that will last, compared to those I bluffed myself into. anyhow, it has been great. and I am super amused. best way to lift myself up is to laff at those that put me down.
anyhows, tmr is my first paper. welcome to next 5 days of continuous mugging. my forehead is super pimped due to all these stressful things. totally need a treat plus massage plus spa after everything. anyone wanna join me??
all the best for tmr's paper ^^, im just glad i wont need to study it again, provided i clear it this time round.
tadaas
anyhows, tmr is my first paper. welcome to next 5 days of continuous mugging. my forehead is super pimped due to all these stressful things. totally need a treat plus massage plus spa after everything. anyone wanna join me??
all the best for tmr's paper ^^, im just glad i wont need to study it again, provided i clear it this time round.
tadaas
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
This is the end to clumsiness
I have had enough.
Quoting myself "One should not give trouble to oneself!"
F those drama series that made me think that clumsiness is cute and adored.
Clumsiness is uncute, and I soforth shall exterminate it from my life! Like a tumour being removed from me!
The last two clumsiness I would do in my life is: letting an egg drop to the floor right next to me, and trying to keep my laundries outside the window and dropping it one of them, and it's fucking embarrassing.
no more clumsiness. fuck.
Quoting myself "One should not give trouble to oneself!"
F those drama series that made me think that clumsiness is cute and adored.
Clumsiness is uncute, and I soforth shall exterminate it from my life! Like a tumour being removed from me!
The last two clumsiness I would do in my life is: letting an egg drop to the floor right next to me, and trying to keep my laundries outside the window and dropping it one of them, and it's fucking embarrassing.
no more clumsiness. fuck.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Wow third post in a day
yes, third post in one day, either I'm too free or I'm starting to think.
It's just that, I suddenly became afraid of losing my kins. Not that I'm not afraid to lose them before, but suddenly I felt panicky.
I really miss my grandmother. I haven't seen her for many years before she passed away, so at that point in time, my grief was not as heartbreaking. It seemed like she was still there, there wasn't any change in my life because I got so used to life with her far away, I just couldn't believe that she's gone.
My grandfather is rather old and recently got sick, I really really worry for him. He's coming here to stay for some time, to get away from the cold back home, which makes him sick. I want him to be healthy and alive, at least until I graduate, at least until I give him great-grandchildren, at least till I can finally take care of him on my own accord. I want to bring him around to travel, to see the world, to show him my world. I hope blessed health be with him at all times.
After this, I really have no mood to blog about other things. Early night, and early day tomorrow. I have to study hard...and do it fast.
It's just that, I suddenly became afraid of losing my kins. Not that I'm not afraid to lose them before, but suddenly I felt panicky.
I really miss my grandmother. I haven't seen her for many years before she passed away, so at that point in time, my grief was not as heartbreaking. It seemed like she was still there, there wasn't any change in my life because I got so used to life with her far away, I just couldn't believe that she's gone.
My grandfather is rather old and recently got sick, I really really worry for him. He's coming here to stay for some time, to get away from the cold back home, which makes him sick. I want him to be healthy and alive, at least until I graduate, at least until I give him great-grandchildren, at least till I can finally take care of him on my own accord. I want to bring him around to travel, to see the world, to show him my world. I hope blessed health be with him at all times.
After this, I really have no mood to blog about other things. Early night, and early day tomorrow. I have to study hard...and do it fast.
Holiday job.
I'm gonna work at Resort World this coming holiday. wells, not totally looking forward to it coz I've already got lots of things to do, my holiday is only just one month, but nonetheless i'm excited about it. I like the thought of me being busy. Not going anywhere for holiday, nope, haven't gone on holiday for eons long, and it's just not feasible to go, even though everyone I know are going on holidays, I shall not feel envy. I will enjoy working at Resort World, even though for now I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do. I'm still thankful coz if not for the job, it may be another 10 years will I be able to afford to go to such places. Anyhow, being poor is nothing to be ashamed of. At least, I won't get stolen from. ...Well which I did, but that was just my bad luck. Anyhows, back to mugging which I have done so far for 8 hours straight, I feel smart.
Morning!
Its imperial that I blog about my dreams these days, they are just too surreal that I can't ignore them.
I woke up to the growling noises of a zombie dog being murdered by breaking its neck against a shabby dog door. Next to it was a harmless bunny who whimpered at the sight of the dead dog. Come to think about it, it was a zombie dog, how can it die so easily?
Anyhow the person killed it by breaking its neck using the door, and I am amazed by myself how real my dream was coz it even took care of the details of scratch marks left behind the door where the dog struggled while being killed.
Then again, this is not the first time I dreamt about flying armchairs. It's this normal IKEA chair that u press this button and the top part of it levitates. Damn cool. I want to make one one day. And in my dream, it moves around with a propelling force behind, makes turns and such by adjusting to my weight shifts. Although in my dreams it doesn't seem able to go higher than human eye level, because I remember I was floating past this old man, and when my focus went to his face, he had this super comical expression on that half resembles an amazed octopus, I actually laughed in my dream.
One more thing worth mentioning, after the dog supposedly died (I heard bone crack), the man released the door, and suddenly the dog catapulted towards me, like those sudden lunging sprints that scare the hell out of you, the dog lunged and was held back by the chains around his broken neck, thereby severing it all leaving head and body detached. Super horror movie pls.
Thereby, good morning.
I woke up to the growling noises of a zombie dog being murdered by breaking its neck against a shabby dog door. Next to it was a harmless bunny who whimpered at the sight of the dead dog. Come to think about it, it was a zombie dog, how can it die so easily?
Anyhow the person killed it by breaking its neck using the door, and I am amazed by myself how real my dream was coz it even took care of the details of scratch marks left behind the door where the dog struggled while being killed.
Then again, this is not the first time I dreamt about flying armchairs. It's this normal IKEA chair that u press this button and the top part of it levitates. Damn cool. I want to make one one day. And in my dream, it moves around with a propelling force behind, makes turns and such by adjusting to my weight shifts. Although in my dreams it doesn't seem able to go higher than human eye level, because I remember I was floating past this old man, and when my focus went to his face, he had this super comical expression on that half resembles an amazed octopus, I actually laughed in my dream.
One more thing worth mentioning, after the dog supposedly died (I heard bone crack), the man released the door, and suddenly the dog catapulted towards me, like those sudden lunging sprints that scare the hell out of you, the dog lunged and was held back by the chains around his broken neck, thereby severing it all leaving head and body detached. Super horror movie pls.
Thereby, good morning.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
365th post!
For a long long time, I am happy today.
I am happy because this is my 365th post after 5 years of blogging.
I am happy because I met my friend today and we didn't do nothing much together.
I am happy because I didn't do that loserish thing for more than a day and I am not tempted to do it anymore.
I am happy because this time I handed in my assignment completed and on time.
I am happy because exams will end in another 2 weeks.
I am happy because I had my QLC about two weeks ago, and am comforted that everybody goes through this sooner or later, and I had it earlier.
I am happy because I read relevant stories about successes that I am inclined to achieve.
I am happy because I felt more matured than before.
I am happy because I am Me again!
I am happy because this is my 365th post after 5 years of blogging.
I am happy because I met my friend today and we didn't do nothing much together.
I am happy because I didn't do that loserish thing for more than a day and I am not tempted to do it anymore.
I am happy because this time I handed in my assignment completed and on time.
I am happy because exams will end in another 2 weeks.
I am happy because I had my QLC about two weeks ago, and am comforted that everybody goes through this sooner or later, and I had it earlier.
I am happy because I read relevant stories about successes that I am inclined to achieve.
I am happy because I felt more matured than before.
I am happy because I am Me again!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Self help analyse shit
Today I really didn't want to wake up.
I set my alarm at 9 and I went on to sleep until 1030.
I slept until the point that I really had to tell myself that today is date due for assignment, I HAVE to wake up, then did I managed to pull myself away.
Not that I'm that sleepy or tired, I didn't even do much yesterday except completing one chapter of what's required to do the assignment.
I merely dun wanna wake up to everything.
I wish to sleep away~~~
or I wish to wake up to a new life.
Then again, I know this is my procrastinating and running away from my responsibilities...I know I shouldn't be this way...
someone help me :(
I set my alarm at 9 and I went on to sleep until 1030.
I slept until the point that I really had to tell myself that today is date due for assignment, I HAVE to wake up, then did I managed to pull myself away.
Not that I'm that sleepy or tired, I didn't even do much yesterday except completing one chapter of what's required to do the assignment.
I merely dun wanna wake up to everything.
I wish to sleep away~~~
or I wish to wake up to a new life.
Then again, I know this is my procrastinating and running away from my responsibilities...I know I shouldn't be this way...
someone help me :(
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Dreams
If my dreams have a meaning, I dun wanna know wad it means, coz it can't be anything good. I took a nap just now, and it goes sci-fi all over again. I wake up wondering, is everybody I know really who they are? Or are they aliens who stole their bodies and discarded their original souls. This time round, I could vividly remember the face of a little girl with blazing red eyes saying "I am not who she thought I was already" meaning when this knew alien want to take over her, she admits she was already once taken over...
yupz.
and the weather is awesome.
time to feel happy enjoy studying.
yupz.
and the weather is awesome.
time to feel happy enjoy studying.
Gore
What a way to start the day with, just a whole bunch of gore right smack in my face.
I had a dream last night, sci-fi themed this time. It was gory sci-fi, and it was pretty detailed, to the point that I still do rmb certain memorably gory scenes.
Basically it's sort of like war btw two worlds, fighting against alien monsters sort of thing, and I was one of those by-standers watching everything happen. I was in a building, overlooking some construction site. The construction is pretty indescribable, it's a huge pile of sand that's as tall as the building I was in, think pyramid just that it's not triangular, there were workers hanging around the square block of sand 1 million metres off the ground. Just then, an alienish dragon appeared from the side. It floated around the building, smacking it's tail against the sand. and one smack landed spot on a worker, and he promptly exploded into bloody chunks of flesh, some flew towards me, some sank into the sand, I could see generous flow of blood on the sandy building, before the entire sand column decided to collapse, and the dragon turn to float in my direction. I took one look at its incoming face, it has mouths inside its mouth, imagine marbles in a round cup, it was red and glowing...before my dream went somewhere else.
I had a dream last night, sci-fi themed this time. It was gory sci-fi, and it was pretty detailed, to the point that I still do rmb certain memorably gory scenes.
Basically it's sort of like war btw two worlds, fighting against alien monsters sort of thing, and I was one of those by-standers watching everything happen. I was in a building, overlooking some construction site. The construction is pretty indescribable, it's a huge pile of sand that's as tall as the building I was in, think pyramid just that it's not triangular, there were workers hanging around the square block of sand 1 million metres off the ground. Just then, an alienish dragon appeared from the side. It floated around the building, smacking it's tail against the sand. and one smack landed spot on a worker, and he promptly exploded into bloody chunks of flesh, some flew towards me, some sank into the sand, I could see generous flow of blood on the sandy building, before the entire sand column decided to collapse, and the dragon turn to float in my direction. I took one look at its incoming face, it has mouths inside its mouth, imagine marbles in a round cup, it was red and glowing...before my dream went somewhere else.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Finding me...
I feel lonely in the middle of the night, and I'm scared to fall asleep by myself, which explains the late hours, I'd rather find people to talk, go for late suppers, I just don't want to be left alone. I had always been a loner sort, but I've never been afraid to be alone so much. Sometimes my thoughts scare me, and I'm afraid to lose myself. I feel I have changed so much in just a mere few months. For one, I am definitely less happy. I have to scout for reasons to keep myself happy, I wasn't this way. I wish everything could just go back to how it used be, and I can be happy just being myself which imho is getting harder and harder to keep up. Talk about 无己。。。all i think about is myself. When there's a huge world out there, all I do is wallow in my own self-pitying thoughts. Why had I become so pathetic??? I wish this sem would go away asap, I want to start anew, I want to be ahead of my tutorials, not go to tutorials feeling emo, I want to prepare for exams not sitting for exams that I've no idea about. It's difficult on my own, but time has indeed came for me to fend for myself, to take care of myself, I could no longer rely on others making decisions for me, watching out for me. I am a short-sighted person, with little or no perseverance, when will this change? How do I become a better person?
on a happier note, today is lab quiz, not that im happy about it, just that after today, one less thing off my mind, and dinner with old friends, finally a breather outside this stressed up place.
I really want to be "逍遥快活"...more than ever.
on a happier note, today is lab quiz, not that im happy about it, just that after today, one less thing off my mind, and dinner with old friends, finally a breather outside this stressed up place.
I really want to be "逍遥快活"...more than ever.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
fucking bastard screwing up my mind.
just bu shuang ttm....i want to take out my brain and cut it into pieces.
rarrrrr....mug n mug n think n think...
screwed up
when will this ever end?
rarrrrr....mug n mug n think n think...
screwed up
when will this ever end?
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
woa i m really very screwed...
im screwed beyond redemption.
seriously, why did i allow myself to end up in such a situation.
gosh, i have a mountain of things to do and now I realize its impossible
to clear all.
IMPOSSIBLE!
possible if i mug 24/7 and absorb everything I read the instance my eyes fall on them.
yucks, why do I always land myself in uncontrollable situations, and i hate it coz i cant blame anyone else.
nahs, this shall be the sem that i teach myself how to control myself.
every morning i wake up with the thought "when is this going to end?"
seriously...i cant wait for the sem to be OVER!
omgosh...
this is like A'lvl crammed into 3 months...
inhumane bastards.
next sem im going to take only 2 modules. and maybe cut certain organs away so that i wont be easily distracted.
seriously, why did i allow myself to end up in such a situation.
gosh, i have a mountain of things to do and now I realize its impossible
to clear all.
IMPOSSIBLE!
possible if i mug 24/7 and absorb everything I read the instance my eyes fall on them.
yucks, why do I always land myself in uncontrollable situations, and i hate it coz i cant blame anyone else.
nahs, this shall be the sem that i teach myself how to control myself.
every morning i wake up with the thought "when is this going to end?"
seriously...i cant wait for the sem to be OVER!
omgosh...
this is like A'lvl crammed into 3 months...
inhumane bastards.
next sem im going to take only 2 modules. and maybe cut certain organs away so that i wont be easily distracted.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
when all frustrations gone
i think i can smile in my sleep tonight.
it feels great to be relieved to all the frustrations, and gosh how many times did i see this word "frustration" today.
anyhow, i feel refreshed.
and i thank all who has listened (or not listened) and who has talked to me.
i can finally move on. woosh. and tmr is a better day.
may i pray tt my mom drop the matter abt her guy coz i am just not interested. lol and shall i say my interest lie elsewhere. hahahaha. omg incoherent. lalalalala
good to feel happy again tho.
yayeeeee
it feels great to be relieved to all the frustrations, and gosh how many times did i see this word "frustration" today.
anyhow, i feel refreshed.
and i thank all who has listened (or not listened) and who has talked to me.
i can finally move on. woosh. and tmr is a better day.
may i pray tt my mom drop the matter abt her guy coz i am just not interested. lol and shall i say my interest lie elsewhere. hahahaha. omg incoherent. lalalalala
good to feel happy again tho.
yayeeeee
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