Meh I can't believe I am still pissed at the Indian owner of the second hand book store, he freaking blindly charge me so much for 3 torn and tattered books, I might as well go buy new ones right. Granted that they are literature and a copy of HP7, but fact is they are really in bad conditions and you have so many copies of each that the price is just outrageous, somemore the books might just sit thr forever, you never know when you will meet the next buyer what, what a lousy business man. The last time I sold my books to that store they bought at 1 dollar each WTF just kena ripped off, Whr got ppl so shamelessly charge so high and try to earn 600% profit from second hand books. Obviously they don't get the concept of selling second hand books, the main point is to sell it damn freaking cheap so that the copy can be circulated and not go to waste sitting on shelf and yellow. Aargh, I wish I had the guts to yell at the guy, and demand my cheap torn books and emerge victorious from this battle of finding the dirt cheap good stuff, shit. I wish I had the guts to ask him to stop singing 'thank u's, freaking fake and patronizing, somemore can tell me 'I am the boss, I set the price' fuck u la, must be u murdered the kind old Indian man who ripped me off last time but sold me books at dirt cheap price, and took over the shop right. Unbelievable man, this is NOT the way to run a second-hand store! It is not about profits anymore okay!
Damn freaking cold sitting outside nlb, it's probably colder than sitting inside, aaargh.
Ranting makes me feel better, although still very cold!!!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
QLC like totally conquered!
At age 21, I have a dream.
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!
I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.
Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.
At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.
These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.
I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.
Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...
each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.
Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.
I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.
I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!
The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.
Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!
I have a DREAM!
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!
I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.
Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.
At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.
These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.
I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.
Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...
each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.
Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.
I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.
I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!
The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.
Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!
I have a DREAM!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
perfectionist
i can't stand it when people talk to me in sugar-coated ways or having some agenda. why can't people just cut straight to the point omg. idk sometimes i get the feeling that they are trying to impress me, but all the more i am unimpressed, just you know say what u really want to say???? do i look like i am a three year old who needs to be cajoled, or worse be explained to in simple-belittling-language, into believing something??? would i mind if u are really a boring person and u tell me that u are a boring person?? no. i will mind if u are a really boring person but keep trying to bore me by telling me u are not boring. rarr. its so hard to be a nice person! i want to be nice and smiling and gentle, but no, world allows me no choice to be nice, i can only blame my screwed up genetics maybe. "no kitchen very hot one" wtf...simigl...i am not 3 years old please..........
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Childish
My Dad is angry at me for nothing, if that is what is seems to be. And honestly I can't be bothered to find out what nothing is. I dunno, call me defiant or unfilial, I really just had too much of it. I just don't care anymore. Although it still somewhat upsets me, because it makes me feel inadequate, afar from the ideal daughter he has in mind. I'm sorry I'm so useless that I can't impress you in any ways, let alone live up to that expectation. I tried, but failed, I am as imperfect as I am perfect. I like the way I am, chill and carefree, and I don't want to be tied down by EXPECTATIONS wtf. It's like the more I try to break out of it, the tighter it holds on, and coming from my own parents. Is it fair to expect someone else to do your job when you can't do it? It is not fair, but it doesn't hurt for a couple of times, but it is not fine if you blame that someone for failing at a task that you should do? Idk, it's my father I'm talking about. Sometimes I am resentful for all the indirect pain he caused me. Like growing up in a foreign country, and growing up among peers younger than me. I didn't have a say in anything, and I had to bear with all the pain of those decisions. I know it sounds selfish and childish now that I am putting blames on my Dad when his intentions were nothing but good, and he for sure went through so much more than me, but I'm sorry I can't help it, if I can't express it here, I will implode with it. Who knows who would I have become if I were back home? Probably some successful prodigy in everything, who knows. But now, at such senior age, I try to pick up things I should have started learning 10 years ago? Perseverance much? Sometimes it just weighs on me, and I feel so inferior. Compared to who I could have been. Sigh. Be angry at me by all means if it makes you happier, younger, whatever. I just don't fucking give a damn.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Ramble on
I have no idea how I spent my last week. yes I had two camps back to back, but now it just seems like a misty memory that I sometimes ask whether I made that all up. Memory failing like fk. but anyways, rekindled enthusiasm for windsurfing, which I still think its damn cool, and was glad that the peeps there are kind of funny and friendly. eat, sleep, windsurf...hehe.
results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.
have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.
finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.
my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.
well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.
phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.
results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.
have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.
finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.
my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.
well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.
phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
Exams long over
never ever go on a holiday with a passport like mine, it is so much trouble, and anxiety and determination and more trouble. I feel bad to have my friend put up with all the shit my passport issues cause me and subsequently us. Thn again, I have never had a trip like this before, I am determined to make it happen. Also, I need to earn money, but school stuff, more precisely hall stuff is making it difficult, I don't even know the FULL schedule yet, zomg...money money, I NEED money, and I am not a rich kid even though I always fantasize so, but I am a poor kid so I should behave like a poor kid and start earning money, start saving on meals and starving myself, start running errands for money, start being extremely cautious with money. Why the revelation? I fussed about how envious I am towards other kids who are so much more privileged, money and all, seems like their lives are so much fun and joy and glam, and mine just pales into boredom and planktonity. But what can I do man? I am not like them, I am not them, I can only live within my means! ZWY, please get this into your head, u are not like them, u are underprivileged and it is OK, stop feeling inferior because of this, start working hard for yourself, and for your parents who put up with multiple times of my negativity when they worked for a better life for me. rants. start saving more money and read more books you idiot moron.
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