At age 21, I have a dream.
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!
I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.
Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.
At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.
These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.
I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.
Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...
each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.
Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.
I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.
I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!
The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.
Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!
I have a DREAM!
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