Childish

My Dad is angry at me for nothing, if that is what is seems to be. And honestly I can't be bothered to find out what nothing is. I dunno, call me defiant or unfilial, I really just had too much of it. I just don't care anymore. Although it still somewhat upsets me, because it makes me feel inadequate, afar from the ideal daughter he has in mind. I'm sorry I'm so useless that I can't impress you in any ways, let alone live up to that expectation. I tried, but failed, I am as imperfect as I am perfect. I like the way I am, chill and carefree, and I don't want to be tied down by EXPECTATIONS wtf. It's like the more I try to break out of it, the tighter it holds on, and coming from my own parents. Is it fair to expect someone else to do your job when you can't do it? It is not fair, but it doesn't hurt for a couple of times, but it is not fine if you blame that someone for failing at a task that you should do? Idk, it's my father I'm talking about. Sometimes I am resentful for all the indirect pain he caused me. Like growing up in a foreign country, and growing up among peers younger than me. I didn't have a say in anything, and I had to bear with all the pain of those decisions. I know it sounds selfish and childish now that I am putting blames on my Dad when his intentions were nothing but good, and he for sure went through so much more than me, but I'm sorry I can't help it, if I can't express it here, I will implode with it. Who knows who would I have become if I were back home? Probably some successful prodigy in everything, who knows. But now, at such senior age, I try to pick up things I should have started learning 10 years ago? Perseverance much? Sometimes it just weighs on me, and I feel so inferior. Compared to who I could have been. Sigh. Be angry at me by all means if it makes you happier, younger, whatever. I just don't fucking give a damn.