Employed

I am more or less officially part of Lucasfilm, with a probation period of 3 months. I feel kind of apprehensive, kind of nervous, part of me feel that I'm not gonna be good enough for them (coz u know I'm one kind of a slacker who just wanna pass...). Nonetheless I'm glad that I made it through the first round, next up to conquer probation period. Got to really work hard now. SELF TRAINING HERE I COME!

Useless people talk and talk non stop

Gosh, watching iron man 2 make me realize how much I hate people who talk alot. This hammer dude annoys the hell out of me. Some empty bucket makes the most noise, so true so true.

rolls eyes

I can't seem to escape this wahaha for one day. why must everybody talk about him?? oh gosh. get out of my life please. go away shoosh. i want to stop seeing this name for just one day. wishes on my new cut pixie hair. i hope i don't look too guy with this and people don't judge me for putting eye makeup everyday because i have to if not i look like a guy!

Now I finally see it

Blogging too much? You bet.

I now truly understand my father's words. I now know why he did not want me to have too full a pride. Because this pride is ungrounded, there shouldn't be this pride of being yourself. You can be proud of being a part of something, you can be proud of your country, you can swell yourself up with pride watching your national flag flying in the wind...but you just can't be proud of yourself.

Why? (I like how François put it, if you are the rational kind of person who wants to know the reason to everything..)

Because you are not privileged enough to be proud of yourself. What great contributions have you made in order to fill yourself up with such pride? Were other awesome achievers proud of what they have done? No, they simply did it and moved on. So that proves to you that you should not be blindly proud of yourself.

Being proud and having confidence are two different different things. Having confidence is believing in yourself that you can carry out a certain task without fail, without crumbling and drowning people in tears. Being proud is thinking that you are the best and nobody else is good enough for you.

I was too proud for my own sake or too scared. But either way, this has to stop.

One way to do so is focus on the good things that other people have. Get to know the other people. Learn their story. I know I have been lazy and guilty of being anti-social and sometimes too proud to even talk to certain people. This is wrong and not how I should turn out to be. So it shall be changed.

I will not secretly judge people and have prejudice against people that I have not gotten to know. 

I will do my best to be open to people and strike up conversations no matter how reluctant I am. Hell, I will not be reluctant. Even if it is people that I am secretly afraid of, I will at least make eye contact and say Hi, and acknowledge people's presence.

Try to be more cooperative under social situations and be at least a teeny bit aware of my social standings so that at least I don't become a nuisance to my friends. (Depends on who actually)

As much as I would like to become more socially responsible, I refuse to conform to ludicrous use of time to socialize! or MINGLE, its stupid and I don't like it. I be nice, you be nice, if we get to be friends, good, if not, BYEeeee. Rarr I love being this anti-social thing. But then again, nobody will help me, I gotta help myself. Just like how people can just snap at you for nothing, people can turn on you like how they can flip a coin. So, must lookout for myself, and lookout for other people. No need to be foolproof and perfect all the time, just need to make sure people see your effort. But don't have to be fake about it too. I still wanna like myself.

Differences

Well this world is pretty much a lot about appearances I gather now.

If you care, you better show it. If you don't, you still gotta show it. One can't be selfish, that is if we ever want to be part of the community. I think we work so hard at everything is ultimately working towards a position where we can be outright selfish and without a need to justify it.

I am selfish!

But I can't show it. I have to act like I care when I don't. While I think that I am observant I am forgetting that people are observing me too. Oh well, too late to correct anything, but good that I actually found out about it.

I may be have a resting bitch face syndrome, when I don't smile or do anything people get scared? But well I really am not doing anything nor thinking anything, I like to keep my head empty for moments in time. That equates to disregarding others.

Well, this is a long topic of discussion and I will at some point stand up and justify myself which has no point actually. It is nice to know that people do bother to give honest feedback to my being and its maybe my good karma and that I have been nice to people at some points in time. There isn't a definitive answer to arrive to, all I know is for sure is that one can't please everybody, and when one tries to please everybody, one displeases oneself. I uphold my self, and as much as I hate to say it, I have to lower my self a little in relation to others because if I don't it's gonna hurt me in the future.

One needs to learn to act a little, do a little show, one can't bare one's immediate honesty all the time. Because nobody does that, and nobody recognises it as honesty but anomaly because you don't fit in with the crowd.

And there is really no point in getting all emotionally attached and reactive or defensive over people's perception about you, or explaining your actions and all. Because sure they will "understand" but will you know for sure? Is it gonna change anything? We don't know that. But I do know that it will screw me up somewhat and make me really confused over stuff so OK been there done that. Nuff said.

Time to get myself a new arsenal of tricks for me to face the challenges of the world. Lessons learnt, lessons not gonna be forgotten.

And prioritising needs to be learnt man. Dang it. 

Exam preparations period

Now the series of events that were scheduled to happen has happened, I am free to do my own things and move on.

I came into uni with a couple of goals in mind:
1. Look better
2. Start dancing
3. Find job at animation companies

And I am proud to say that I have achieved all 3!

Although I did not get a first class honours scroll, a dashing boyfriend, a cabinet full of awards, I am contended to say that I am satisfied with my achievements, and proud to have stayed true to myself. Sometimes I compare myself with people and true enough I am not the most popular person, not the most impressive person, not the most giving person nor friendly nor glamorous nor charitable for that fact. I always used to compare myself with other people and feel inferior and all about myself, about the things that I do not have, about the insecurities that bug me...

But after these four years, I am very happy with myself. My pursuits are validated by myself, my appearance is controlled by myself, my source of happiness is being myself. Although it may all be very self-oriented, I am glad that I have spend the first 20 odd years in bettering myself, living for myself, being who I want to be and achieving important goals that fullfils my expectations of myself.

There was once upon a time that I wanted to be popular, but I learnt that being the most popular person has down right lots of side effects that I would rather not have. I have never made "making friends" a priority, as I always felt that friendships are dependent on fate, and fate is something not to be manipulated. So there are some awesome people that I do not have the good chance to be good friends with, but I had wished that we could be better friends, may be I could have put in more effort to get to know the person more.

I did not have any expectations of love to come by and although there have been several encounters and all, it did not happen, not that it is in anyway sad, because my idea of romance does not take place in school. And that there really isn't any especially suitable person to cross my paths. So no regrets there. Although I do feel envious sometimes but its alright and I think I'm ready to find my romance, once my career is going well and I will be on my way to achieving my dreams.

Talk about my dreams, I am one step closer now that LucasFilm has accepted me into her doors, I am going to be in contact with awesome people doing awesome things that I'd love to do, to be good at, to be just mega awesome at it. I have been struggling to learn things on my own, I admit times that I had fun in hall with friends have taken a toll on my personal training, but now that university is over, I am going to head myself in the correct and measured direction to gain myself the best training and attain the best results ever.

The motivation to be better has never been so strong before and I am burning with excitement! Like literally! I just feel that despite not being the person who "has it all" I am so happy to have stuck to being myself, honouring my dream, following the path that I set out for myself, with my parents' support. I am going to give half of my salary to my mom every month and I am very satisfied with that arrangement. It means on top of my main job at Lucas, my own technical training, I am going to take up side projects that's gonna give me monetary returns as side pocket money :D. all these are so exciting sounding!

And also I'm going to continue dancing and be much better than myself, and continue losing weight, and gonna keep my hair long haha. Post university me!!

And got to apply for citizenship and start saving money for holidays and self-travels. Life's gonna be even more awesome!!

oh dear

I haven't been a good student, a good daughter, a good friend, a good person lately. I have overestimated my emotional maturity and regarding love and relationships I am such a novice. I should try to open myself up so that I can learn through experiencing. I think being too direct is my fault and I can easily scare people off. :( I really didn't mean to hurt people like that, I thought it was a harmless thing to say. I didn't realize how hurtful it could be.

I fail as a female...I have no idea how to interact with the male species without hurting people or getting hurt in return. I guess I am still very immature and childish and that's why I feel so unbalanced at times.

Guess maybe I still feel vengeful towards Danny for what happened in year 1 which gave me some regrets and scars. I thought I had moved on emotionally but I didn't which is why when Nic did the characterisation exercises I couldn't stop crying. I felt that I was damaged because of him. I felt that he made me doubt myself, doubt every other guy that venture near me. I felt some way he made me thorny and afraid of contact. I made me a coward. :(

when I opened the box hidden deep deep away, it was still a little raw and regretful. And what makes me cry the most is still the night we spent together exploring the campus in the rain, and stealing random umbrellas and ice creams and him piggybacking me across the walkway, it was undeniably the best snapshot I have in preservation. Although he hurt me, which I only now quietly admit ( I refused to acknowledge that I was hurt, I didn't want to be so noob, I didn't want to be thought of as a noob...)

I always say live bravely, yet I am always afraid to let people discover who I am. I hate phonies, but I only begin to realize I am one myself. I guess it's impossible to be truthful all the time, because sometimes truths are hard to handle??

I like WahKiat, but I don't want a relationship. Does that not make sense? I got reprimanded by my parents. I thought at least this time I didn't kid myself, I didn't lie to myself. I don't know how to handle my own emotions. I got to read up more on this topic.

Hi World I am a noob in this compartment called love and relationships. I get so frightened by my friend's stories and my own bad experience that I am scared to venture. But my parents reminded me timely that their basic requirement of me is to fulfil the responsibilities of a human being. And reminded me that finding someone is what made "me" possible. If my parents had been afraid of difficulties, sadness and troubles, there wouldn't be me.

I don't know what I am feeling now as I tear and munch on my bowl of mangoes. I feel a bout of emotions I can't quite describe. Gosh as much as i don't want to be a mushy sappy piece of shit, I find myself being one lately.  

OK i really blog alittle too much lately

I had the most horrible dream....

It was a class that I somehow missed or got mixed up, can't really remember but there was a cock up, and my pet lion was skinned alive and all there was left of him was his skin and mane, hies bones, muscles and blood, all gone. :'(

I cried in my dream. This is so sad.

Post Dp

I find myself blogging a little too much recently, sheepish laugh.

Well, DP is over. I feel mildly lost, not with all the pracs taking up my time, a load finally lifted off my shoulder, I kinda don't know what to do with the time anymore. Well, complete my work of course, which I am rather excited to delve into actually.

What I love about DP is that over these crazy 3 days of incessant activities and sensory overload, the laughter and tears that we share, the pains and triumphs that we endure, the booze we drink before show. It is all too precious a memory and it is sad this it has come to an end so fast.

I love how this DP has turned out. I did not begin by believing in it as much, I thought the story was loose, too emo for me and a little too much contemporariness IMO. However after watching the runs over and over again, the central idea bores through, and it is heartwarming to know that it is these same emotions that everybody goes through at this stage of their lives. US, the young ones, dealing with expectations, individualities, securities, love, kinship, stress and friendships.

I wept when I first read the parent's letter. I can totally identify with the words although I later found out that Step wrote it and she wasn't even the least affected about it. Oh well, "when I needed you and you needed me", I thought of my parents, everything they have done for me, bringing me to this world, the hard work they put in for me for me to turn into who I am today. I am a happy person because of my parents and not because of me. My parents are simple hardworking people, and that is who I am going to become. They taught me the important values that guides me in life, in times of doubt, in the ways of society. Despite moments of selfishness where I disregard all these that I have I decide to focus on things that I do not have, I have made remarks and felt emotions that I have grown to be ashamed of. I am ashamed of not contacting my parents frequently, not wanting to connect with them, not wanting them to participate in my own life. I am so selfish.

Having learnt my lesson, I want to try to rectify myself, I want to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better dancer and a better person.

DP is not just about the few minutes of stage time, it is the hard work we put in over the months of practice, the injuries, the agonies of pursuing something we love, the time we spent together. "Somewhere only we know..."

Despite words of angst and feelings of depressions, I love the fact I stuck through with DP and did not pull out. And I love the fact that Jessica stuck through with Dp and Joan stuck through with it too. I am genuinely proud of them. And I am proud of KRDP2013.

What I miss now is the hugs and fist bumps backstage, the faces we see when we exit stage after each performance, the pats on the back and the smiles and "Good jobs!", "You guys were great!". I miss helping my friends with hair and makeup, sticking on their falsies which dropped off and I had to stick it on again; braiding my friends' hair and feeling super perfectionistic and redoing it again and again; piggybacking the Jess and laughing at her disabilities (is actually my way of trying to make her feel better, abit Bian tai, but the origins are good), rubbing Yuwei's stomach before show; spotting familiar faces in the audiences. I don't usually gush over these things anymore because having performed a number of times, the excitement wore off a little.

And what Dismas said about this being our last performance is not hitting me yet, probably because I was not as involved in DP as he was coz he was lead + director, i  think practically his whole life was DP until it was over. But for me, DP is a place to dance, to learn choreography, to interact and learn about my dancemates, although we dance so differently initially, we came to dance like each other towards the end.

So many things to say about DP and so little time to brood over it because I have 2 animations to finish by the end of the day. I just want to remember the good times, the crazy times, the bad times, everything. Do a proper closure for DP and a little tribute to it. For everybody who shared the same experiences despite being so different, I'm glad we came together and we did something all together. It is a helluva good memory to have. :')