oh dear

I haven't been a good student, a good daughter, a good friend, a good person lately. I have overestimated my emotional maturity and regarding love and relationships I am such a novice. I should try to open myself up so that I can learn through experiencing. I think being too direct is my fault and I can easily scare people off. :( I really didn't mean to hurt people like that, I thought it was a harmless thing to say. I didn't realize how hurtful it could be.

I fail as a female...I have no idea how to interact with the male species without hurting people or getting hurt in return. I guess I am still very immature and childish and that's why I feel so unbalanced at times.

Guess maybe I still feel vengeful towards Danny for what happened in year 1 which gave me some regrets and scars. I thought I had moved on emotionally but I didn't which is why when Nic did the characterisation exercises I couldn't stop crying. I felt that I was damaged because of him. I felt that he made me doubt myself, doubt every other guy that venture near me. I felt some way he made me thorny and afraid of contact. I made me a coward. :(

when I opened the box hidden deep deep away, it was still a little raw and regretful. And what makes me cry the most is still the night we spent together exploring the campus in the rain, and stealing random umbrellas and ice creams and him piggybacking me across the walkway, it was undeniably the best snapshot I have in preservation. Although he hurt me, which I only now quietly admit ( I refused to acknowledge that I was hurt, I didn't want to be so noob, I didn't want to be thought of as a noob...)

I always say live bravely, yet I am always afraid to let people discover who I am. I hate phonies, but I only begin to realize I am one myself. I guess it's impossible to be truthful all the time, because sometimes truths are hard to handle??

I like WahKiat, but I don't want a relationship. Does that not make sense? I got reprimanded by my parents. I thought at least this time I didn't kid myself, I didn't lie to myself. I don't know how to handle my own emotions. I got to read up more on this topic.

Hi World I am a noob in this compartment called love and relationships. I get so frightened by my friend's stories and my own bad experience that I am scared to venture. But my parents reminded me timely that their basic requirement of me is to fulfil the responsibilities of a human being. And reminded me that finding someone is what made "me" possible. If my parents had been afraid of difficulties, sadness and troubles, there wouldn't be me.

I don't know what I am feeling now as I tear and munch on my bowl of mangoes. I feel a bout of emotions I can't quite describe. Gosh as much as i don't want to be a mushy sappy piece of shit, I find myself being one lately.