Blues

This week has been difficult.

First I have to watch my friend suffer from a badly sprained ankle and see her struggle with the choice of whether to give up dancing for DP. And as I watched I really admire her strength and determination. Even though at times I wish I could just tell her to stop but instead I kept mum and let her go on. Because I knew if I were her I wouldn't want anyone to tell me to stop. Even if it meant not telling my parents about it because they would tell me to give it up.

All I can do is help. And watch her struggle.

And what makes this week more difficult is the constant struggle of trying to give up this knot of feelings which I don't want to have anymore. It just screws me up and make me an impulsive jealous mean thing which makes me feel so bad that I made someone I like put up with it.

That said, I don't know why I put up with my drunk friend in my room while I slept in fear. It was really quite traumatizing and I think I will be quite uncomfortable with my friend. And by not being able to communicate this fear to the liked party and feeling angsty towards him for being not understanding of me is totally not logical and wrong. And I know it but I can't help it. I think I would not be able to hold it in for long....

And work is piled up like a mountain and I can't finish any of it. And ponning classes is my way of dealing with it which will only backfire on me later. I fear the backlash of my own actions.

And my friend dealing with breakup and boyfriend moving on. It brings me to tears everytime I read her blogposts. So raw and so painful yet so alive. And this week I feel like I'm living in a dream, a most imaginatively tormenting one that is. A little hope, a little shit, a little smile, a slap across the face, a little warmth and a cold shoulder. So agonizing yet so inviting. I'm a little far gone to pull myself out now, I have to admit now. I am really not sure where this is going to go.

Lastly, I met up with dear friends from secondary school, and it was amazing how everyone are pursuing different lives now. And April who I thought was childish and immature before has become so mature through work life and everything that I look up to her with respect.

Life is so amazing. Live bravely.

我决定

不要再暗恋任何人了。

我不要再暗恋这个人了。

post interview blues

I don't know what is it about the interviews, I always feel so drained after them. Update, I went for Lucasfilm interview round 2 yesterday afternoon. And I'm not sure whether it was the travelling that killed me or the interview itself. The interview lasted for 1 hour plus, I suppose it was good because I feel that the I am the same kind of people as my interviewers. We are all geeks and in love with making animation and cool stuffs on the big screen. A little socially awkward, with that undeniable tinge of sourness towards having a social life, these little things that I picked up from the conversation.

Despite feeling exhausted afterwards, I felt I was present the whole time during the interview, and I think that's a good thing. Because the whole creative space in the company excites me. I really want to earn my place there. After 4 years of university, I am ready to begin my apprenticeship, I am ready to prow open the richness and abundant resources there lie awaiting. I am ready to ask tons of technical and artistic questions to the people who created the scenes that make me wanna cry.

Maybe its all these that overwhelms me and drained me of all my energies. And I came back feeling surreal all over again and once my head touched my pillow, I'm gone.

I wouldn't dare say that I'd confirm get the job, but the two interviews went smoothly and it felt really natural just like watching a stone set into place. Although I still harbor some crossed-finger-ness, I'm really looking forward to stepping in.

I need peace

My inner peace is disturbed now. I can sum it all up saying my life is getting out of control now.

All these commitments, they are losing their meaning on me.

All these "friends", they are also losing their meaning on me.

Am I the person that I want to become 5 years ago?
Problem is I can't remember what I had wanted to become.

I worry that I will not be able to love anyone because I am too in love with myself, and I am really not letting anyone in. I am so scared of professing my feelings that I lie to myself, and I feel so much angst building up and I don't know how to dissipate it.

I am always worrying about how others perceive me and I have had enough of myself.

I hate the container that I put myself in and I want to reach out to the person I have came to love.

Why do I have so many meaningless thoughts going on. I don't want it.

Maybe it's just today. I am at a junction of my life.

I don't want to be haps - then don't feel envious about it.
I don't want to have too many friends - then don't feel left out when people don't approach you.
I don't want too much attention - then don't feel all that angst when you don't get the attention.

Don't want any relationships? or do you want it because of someone? have you ever let the someone know that you have feelings for him?

I am so scared that I can't do anything about it. :(