I should be proud of who I am

At this point in time, my body and my brain and my psyche is screaming GIVE UP in a chorus.

I got kp-ed from almost all the items I am in, guilty as charged.

I won't say that I am flippant and commitment phobic, I guess I get kp-ed because people have expectations of me that I am not meeting, and well nobody has that time to find out why, they probably just assumed that I was not putting in enough effort. which technically is very true. I did not put in enough effort to individual items, and events and modules and projects in general. I really need to step up my game this sem, this shit is serious. I pretty much got myself so tied up in everything, I have no time to breath, no time to feel emo, no time to even think much about that one someone that I want to care for.

I guess its time to rise up to this ultimate challenge of university life, and I must have faith that I will emerge victorious because I believe I have the potential, I need to excavate it and this pressurizing atmostphere will not kill me, and I will find that one thing to hold on and push myself through.

I just need to push myself even harder!

I can do this.

I really really can.

and good thing, I am learning to accept criticisms frankfully and openly.

I am not perfect, far from it, I am lazy and deserve to be reprimanded. I shud be thankful that people take effort to point it out and change my ways. I am adaptative and built for success. I should be less self-centered really. I need to show people the respect that I should have for them. the fact that they can do things that I can't, is a valid premise for respect.

That said, Im gonna get a good sleep, control my easily wild rampant thoughts and get my game on for the next two wild days and 2 busy busy weeks to come. really not chance for a breather at all.

This busy life, challenge accepted!

Reflections

Many a times when I meet with difficulties, I tend to voice out my complains. I never saw it as a problem, I always thought voicing out my thoughts help me think better because the process of forming these sentences forces me to rationalize my thoughts with logic. I have rampant thoughts, sometimes they take a toll on my emotion when they become too focused on a tiny point, and I dwell in clammy darkness until something somehow brings me out of it.

Having lived 20 odd years, I look back at my growth. For the most part I have been trying to deal with the changes and emotions associated with immigration, trying to blend in so that I do not suffer the psychological torments of being different from my peers and a possible conflict of identity or a lack thereof.

I have been examining my own life to a microscopic level and when I zoom out of it, I find nothing very spectacular about it. I may have blown my obstacles a little out of proportion, I may not have had it as hard as I thought I did. I may have just slipped and settled in that comfortable shabby corner in my thoughts that life is just like that.

I have considerably lost the drive to pursue academic excellence, somewhere somehow grades have lost their meaning on me. It was not impossible to obtain good grades, I do see the immediate benefits of  being better than others, but I don't feel that need to obtain it. I lack drive or I lack a goal.

I always believed in dreams, and the character that inspires me most is none other than Luffy. One quote of his has kept me going for the longest time and he made me believe in having dreams. One thing I'm glad of is this dream has remained the same and I am working towards it.

Albeit at a really slow pace. I may blame it on the level of concentration in my course of study but most of it come from my inability to focus. I am bombarded with too many wants, expectations and goals I want to achieve, too much informations and possibilities, too much comfort and too little conviction.

I always thought fear is what hinders progress, but I grew to realize that fear comes in different flavors and what it is that you fear makes all the difference. For me I fear the lack of identity, that's why I made it a priority to be myself, even if that made me less "friends" or the occlusion from cliques. On a side note, I hate cliques. Also, I fear competition, that's why I never have any, I fear losing. I fear that even if I work hard I'm still not better than anybody else, so I do not work hard so that logical claim has no claim because the premise is not satisfied.

Desert flower, a moving story, punched me in the stomach and made me ashamed of myself. I have and I own so much, yet I made no good use of it, I am full of complaints and petty little grudges. I am unable to open up myself wholly and I often wonder whether its a one-sided effort, whether I can open myself up by my own efforts. But I guess it's a relative thing that's why "open up to" is a compound phrase, there is an object to open up to.

And...my thoughts have been interrupted and I shall return to meditating.

The end

And peacefully I think this infatuation has come to an end, yes I am free from the bindings of the heart once more! Not saying its necessary bad or good either, I'm just glad I'm free from torment whoosh and I'd always want a friend more than a boyfriend, and even though it was very tempting I'm relieved I did not jump right in and my resistance paid off. I think what works for me is really a good Go right from the start, like everything fits, like harmony without having to try very hard. And sweet words and compliments aren't really sweet and comfortable if they don't come from someone who share that special bond from the first glance. This one was close really very close but it fell short nonetheless and I'm not hotheaded like before to want everything to work out. Am glad that I waited and am glad I chose to protect the friendship instead. As much as I am envious of happy couples, I should not waste mine and the other party's time if I don't see a future with the person at all. And all said, friendships last longer. - Pyosted using BlogPress from my iPad