new blog shifted to thebowlofporridge.blogspot.com
cuz I'm not the same anymore.
time to grow up and be who I am.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 06, 2013
去保定
这去保定挺折腾的。早上退房间没能把魔方偷走是有遗憾的，灰溜溜地出了酒店拦了辆出租车。司机大妈说的话我是半天听不懂，后来还因为没有零钱给她骂了一顿。可能是对方言语气的接收并不准确，反正我挺乐的，好像把她气坏了吧。世界上还真有嫌钱大的。
端着一杯烫死人的KFC牛奶把钱给她找开了，又被她说了一顿。我可能是因为新鲜所以也没跟她计较。反正我也不是个爱计较的人。不过她绕来绕去找地儿给我找钱还没多收我钱，我觉得挺好，起码耿直，要不然说这人不会做生意。
然后嘛想去卖火车票，排了老半天结果没票买了，其它时间又不合适，本想保定是去不成的了。
没想到还能打长途汽车，被人坑了90¥，也罢，赚到一点信息也不错。看看这＂野长途＂怎么打的。
一路上换车换了3道，最后一道还下错车，跑到白沟去了。一问嘛，这白沟离保定还百公里远。总之今天要到保定肯定都5点多了。这一天就在路途上度过吧。
希望明后天打猎顺利而且搭车回天津也顺利。
sex
I had sex. Counting 3 times. I think sex is awesome. The last time we did it in a tent. Weee. Sex drive activated. Awesome holiday I must say.
Leaving today I will really miss this man. He is after all my first man. Heehee. And I must say he is a good man and one who possess qualities that I look for.
Must have one last go before I leave this place. The past 2 days have been awesome.
Friday, May 17, 2013
First attempt at freelance modeling and animation
My first attempt at freelancing modelling and animation has ended prematurely. It was pretty tough but on hind sight I really learnt alot from these few days of experience.
1. The job was not a top-most priority for me. It was more of a bragging right kind of thing? Like I felt empowered to be called up to do something like this and thinking it's gonna be a breeze and a piece of cake.
Well, under ideal circumstances it would have been quite doable assuming I have everything I need at hand before I start animating. I didn't even reach the core of the job, to animate, because I spent so much time on modelling the structure and tweaking the model which became so complicated and off-the-tracks till I had no time to do the right stuffs. (Point taken and noted)
2. Also, I cannot assume that everybody else will understand what I am doing. I have to explain to them in clear laymen terms so that they can feel at ease. Them feeling at ease will equate to less stressful messages and calls, and a more comfortable working pace and mood.
Third, really need to beware of circumstances as a freelancer whereby the client can just decide not to use you and outsource the job to someone better and more efficient, and you won't get a single cent back because there's no formal agreement or contract between you. Also, this time round I did not collect a deposit, for fear that I cannot deliver the goods, but should serve as a reminder that next time when I freelance I need to collect a deposit before I start work.
3. Commitment issues. I have over-committing and under-committing issues. I spread myself out too much and cannot go deep into one area with focus. This is exactly what occurred to me repeatedly throughout my university life. More often than not, I will start off over-committing myself to a lot of activities, and gradually I will find my focus and fade out from the less important ones. While this is logically sound, it does not reflect that well on myself and also I learn less about stuffs.
4. While I angst, I should never ever ever channel it to someone innocent. If I have the time to push for blames I'd rather use that time to do better work. I felt really bad for sounding annoyed at my Dad over the phone, at the very least I could take a deep breath and explain slowly. Always understand that I can only blame myself for everything and never ever take it out on someone else, especially my parents.
5. I'm kind of glad that the hard truth of my being hit me. That I always over-value myself even though I feel that I didn't. The fact that I thought I could accomplish stuff without even trying first, is super duper uber over-my-head kind of egoistic and proud, not to say over-value myself. Which is why everytime I end under-delivering, I make excuses and bank on my use of language to tide myself through. Not saying that that is not a good skill to have, but that is not the good way out for things. Who doesn't want success? To accomplish things? to be able to show off some unique skill or prowess? One must work hard before one can make promises.
6. Need to stop being a slacker and work hard starting from now because job starts in 2 months, and I want to contribute and make friends and accomplish things in Lucasfilm. I need to be at least hardworking.
1. The job was not a top-most priority for me. It was more of a bragging right kind of thing? Like I felt empowered to be called up to do something like this and thinking it's gonna be a breeze and a piece of cake.
Well, under ideal circumstances it would have been quite doable assuming I have everything I need at hand before I start animating. I didn't even reach the core of the job, to animate, because I spent so much time on modelling the structure and tweaking the model which became so complicated and off-the-tracks till I had no time to do the right stuffs. (Point taken and noted)
2. Also, I cannot assume that everybody else will understand what I am doing. I have to explain to them in clear laymen terms so that they can feel at ease. Them feeling at ease will equate to less stressful messages and calls, and a more comfortable working pace and mood.
Third, really need to beware of circumstances as a freelancer whereby the client can just decide not to use you and outsource the job to someone better and more efficient, and you won't get a single cent back because there's no formal agreement or contract between you. Also, this time round I did not collect a deposit, for fear that I cannot deliver the goods, but should serve as a reminder that next time when I freelance I need to collect a deposit before I start work.
3. Commitment issues. I have over-committing and under-committing issues. I spread myself out too much and cannot go deep into one area with focus. This is exactly what occurred to me repeatedly throughout my university life. More often than not, I will start off over-committing myself to a lot of activities, and gradually I will find my focus and fade out from the less important ones. While this is logically sound, it does not reflect that well on myself and also I learn less about stuffs.
4. While I angst, I should never ever ever channel it to someone innocent. If I have the time to push for blames I'd rather use that time to do better work. I felt really bad for sounding annoyed at my Dad over the phone, at the very least I could take a deep breath and explain slowly. Always understand that I can only blame myself for everything and never ever take it out on someone else, especially my parents.
5. I'm kind of glad that the hard truth of my being hit me. That I always over-value myself even though I feel that I didn't. The fact that I thought I could accomplish stuff without even trying first, is super duper uber over-my-head kind of egoistic and proud, not to say over-value myself. Which is why everytime I end under-delivering, I make excuses and bank on my use of language to tide myself through. Not saying that that is not a good skill to have, but that is not the good way out for things. Who doesn't want success? To accomplish things? to be able to show off some unique skill or prowess? One must work hard before one can make promises.
6. Need to stop being a slacker and work hard starting from now because job starts in 2 months, and I want to contribute and make friends and accomplish things in Lucasfilm. I need to be at least hardworking.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
Pride much
I am literally swelling up with pride (not that kind of pride I was talking about some time back) but more of wow I didn't know I could do so much and that my skills are valued and people are willing to pay me to do what I want to do for fun!
Also a quick update, I got my job settled, going to start work on the 15th of July. I'm not sure whether it is my dream job, but it definitely is somewhat my dream company. I would be so filled with pride and enthusiasm each day going to work and I feel myself getting all excited and all and being all ready to give myself to the company.
For now I don't know what exactly I can bring to the company in terms of skills and achievements, but I know for sure this company is going to teach me so much that I will literally explode with knowledge and I hope that in the near future I am able to be really good at what I want to do which is modelling and animating, but at the same time I want to know how everything else works. Gosh, I am trembling with excitement as I write this!
And everything is going really well in my life now, I am not scared to say in fear of losing everything in an instant because they are real! Like I earned every bit of it. And my trip to tibet took a pretty unexpected turn of events but I'm glad to say its more exciting than before, for now luh. Not really sure whether it will turn out eventually but I set my mind on Tibet and I've got to go there!
I don't know what I will find there or what I am looking for in Tibet, but I just know that I have to go there this holiday and it will be a meaningful grad trip to remember. Perhaps I have always felt a lack of spiritual support/activities/knowledge that I intend to immerse myself in a "spiritual land". I know it's naive to assume and expect things when all I have done is merely google Tibet, I haven't even read a book about it yet so I have to remind myself to keep my mind open about things and soak in everything when I'm there. I will myself to write notes everyday and I've gotten my travelogue ready.
Excited much!
Also a quick update, I got my job settled, going to start work on the 15th of July. I'm not sure whether it is my dream job, but it definitely is somewhat my dream company. I would be so filled with pride and enthusiasm each day going to work and I feel myself getting all excited and all and being all ready to give myself to the company.
For now I don't know what exactly I can bring to the company in terms of skills and achievements, but I know for sure this company is going to teach me so much that I will literally explode with knowledge and I hope that in the near future I am able to be really good at what I want to do which is modelling and animating, but at the same time I want to know how everything else works. Gosh, I am trembling with excitement as I write this!
And everything is going really well in my life now, I am not scared to say in fear of losing everything in an instant because they are real! Like I earned every bit of it. And my trip to tibet took a pretty unexpected turn of events but I'm glad to say its more exciting than before, for now luh. Not really sure whether it will turn out eventually but I set my mind on Tibet and I've got to go there!
I don't know what I will find there or what I am looking for in Tibet, but I just know that I have to go there this holiday and it will be a meaningful grad trip to remember. Perhaps I have always felt a lack of spiritual support/activities/knowledge that I intend to immerse myself in a "spiritual land". I know it's naive to assume and expect things when all I have done is merely google Tibet, I haven't even read a book about it yet so I have to remind myself to keep my mind open about things and soak in everything when I'm there. I will myself to write notes everyday and I've gotten my travelogue ready.
Excited much!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Employed
I am more or less officially part of Lucasfilm, with a probation period of 3 months. I feel kind of apprehensive, kind of nervous, part of me feel that I'm not gonna be good enough for them (coz u know I'm one kind of a slacker who just wanna pass...). Nonetheless I'm glad that I made it through the first round, next up to conquer probation period. Got to really work hard now. SELF TRAINING HERE I COME!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Useless people talk and talk non stop
Gosh, watching iron man 2 make me realize how much I hate people who talk alot. This hammer dude annoys the hell out of me. Some empty bucket makes the most noise, so true so true.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
rolls eyes
I can't seem to escape this wahaha for one day. why must everybody talk about him?? oh gosh. get out of my life please. go away shoosh. i want to stop seeing this name for just one day. wishes on my new cut pixie hair. i hope i don't look too guy with this and people don't judge me for putting eye makeup everyday because i have to if not i look like a guy!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Now I finally see it
Blogging too much? You bet.
I now truly understand my father's words. I now know why he did not want me to have too full a pride. Because this pride is ungrounded, there shouldn't be this pride of being yourself. You can be proud of being a part of something, you can be proud of your country, you can swell yourself up with pride watching your national flag flying in the wind...but you just can't be proud of yourself.
Why? (I like how François put it, if you are the rational kind of person who wants to know the reason to everything..)
Because you are not privileged enough to be proud of yourself. What great contributions have you made in order to fill yourself up with such pride? Were other awesome achievers proud of what they have done? No, they simply did it and moved on. So that proves to you that you should not be blindly proud of yourself.
Being proud and having confidence are two different different things. Having confidence is believing in yourself that you can carry out a certain task without fail, without crumbling and drowning people in tears. Being proud is thinking that you are the best and nobody else is good enough for you.
I was too proud for my own sake or too scared. But either way, this has to stop.
One way to do so is focus on the good things that other people have. Get to know the other people. Learn their story. I know I have been lazy and guilty of being anti-social and sometimes too proud to even talk to certain people. This is wrong and not how I should turn out to be. So it shall be changed.
I will not secretly judge people and have prejudice against people that I have not gotten to know.
I will do my best to be open to people and strike up conversations no matter how reluctant I am. Hell, I will not be reluctant. Even if it is people that I am secretly afraid of, I will at least make eye contact and say Hi, and acknowledge people's presence.
Try to be more cooperative under social situations and be at least a teeny bit aware of my social standings so that at least I don't become a nuisance to my friends. (Depends on who actually)
As much as I would like to become more socially responsible, I refuse to conform to ludicrous use of time to socialize! or MINGLE, its stupid and I don't like it. I be nice, you be nice, if we get to be friends, good, if not, BYEeeee. Rarr I love being this anti-social thing. But then again, nobody will help me, I gotta help myself. Just like how people can just snap at you for nothing, people can turn on you like how they can flip a coin. So, must lookout for myself, and lookout for other people. No need to be foolproof and perfect all the time, just need to make sure people see your effort. But don't have to be fake about it too. I still wanna like myself.
I now truly understand my father's words. I now know why he did not want me to have too full a pride. Because this pride is ungrounded, there shouldn't be this pride of being yourself. You can be proud of being a part of something, you can be proud of your country, you can swell yourself up with pride watching your national flag flying in the wind...but you just can't be proud of yourself.
Why? (I like how François put it, if you are the rational kind of person who wants to know the reason to everything..)
Because you are not privileged enough to be proud of yourself. What great contributions have you made in order to fill yourself up with such pride? Were other awesome achievers proud of what they have done? No, they simply did it and moved on. So that proves to you that you should not be blindly proud of yourself.
Being proud and having confidence are two different different things. Having confidence is believing in yourself that you can carry out a certain task without fail, without crumbling and drowning people in tears. Being proud is thinking that you are the best and nobody else is good enough for you.
I was too proud for my own sake or too scared. But either way, this has to stop.
One way to do so is focus on the good things that other people have. Get to know the other people. Learn their story. I know I have been lazy and guilty of being anti-social and sometimes too proud to even talk to certain people. This is wrong and not how I should turn out to be. So it shall be changed.
I will not secretly judge people and have prejudice against people that I have not gotten to know.
I will do my best to be open to people and strike up conversations no matter how reluctant I am. Hell, I will not be reluctant. Even if it is people that I am secretly afraid of, I will at least make eye contact and say Hi, and acknowledge people's presence.
Try to be more cooperative under social situations and be at least a teeny bit aware of my social standings so that at least I don't become a nuisance to my friends. (Depends on who actually)
As much as I would like to become more socially responsible, I refuse to conform to ludicrous use of time to socialize! or MINGLE, its stupid and I don't like it. I be nice, you be nice, if we get to be friends, good, if not, BYEeeee. Rarr I love being this anti-social thing. But then again, nobody will help me, I gotta help myself. Just like how people can just snap at you for nothing, people can turn on you like how they can flip a coin. So, must lookout for myself, and lookout for other people. No need to be foolproof and perfect all the time, just need to make sure people see your effort. But don't have to be fake about it too. I still wanna like myself.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Differences
Well this world is pretty much a lot about appearances I gather now.
If you care, you better show it. If you don't, you still gotta show it. One can't be selfish, that is if we ever want to be part of the community. I think we work so hard at everything is ultimately working towards a position where we can be outright selfish and without a need to justify it.
I am selfish!
But I can't show it. I have to act like I care when I don't. While I think that I am observant I am forgetting that people are observing me too. Oh well, too late to correct anything, but good that I actually found out about it.
I may be have a resting bitch face syndrome, when I don't smile or do anything people get scared? But well I really am not doing anything nor thinking anything, I like to keep my head empty for moments in time. That equates to disregarding others.
Well, this is a long topic of discussion and I will at some point stand up and justify myself which has no point actually. It is nice to know that people do bother to give honest feedback to my being and its maybe my good karma and that I have been nice to people at some points in time. There isn't a definitive answer to arrive to, all I know is for sure is that one can't please everybody, and when one tries to please everybody, one displeases oneself. I uphold my self, and as much as I hate to say it, I have to lower my self a little in relation to others because if I don't it's gonna hurt me in the future.
One needs to learn to act a little, do a little show, one can't bare one's immediate honesty all the time. Because nobody does that, and nobody recognises it as honesty but anomaly because you don't fit in with the crowd.
And there is really no point in getting all emotionally attached and reactive or defensive over people's perception about you, or explaining your actions and all. Because sure they will "understand" but will you know for sure? Is it gonna change anything? We don't know that. But I do know that it will screw me up somewhat and make me really confused over stuff so OK been there done that. Nuff said.
Time to get myself a new arsenal of tricks for me to face the challenges of the world. Lessons learnt, lessons not gonna be forgotten.
And prioritising needs to be learnt man. Dang it.
If you care, you better show it. If you don't, you still gotta show it. One can't be selfish, that is if we ever want to be part of the community. I think we work so hard at everything is ultimately working towards a position where we can be outright selfish and without a need to justify it.
I am selfish!
But I can't show it. I have to act like I care when I don't. While I think that I am observant I am forgetting that people are observing me too. Oh well, too late to correct anything, but good that I actually found out about it.
I may be have a resting bitch face syndrome, when I don't smile or do anything people get scared? But well I really am not doing anything nor thinking anything, I like to keep my head empty for moments in time. That equates to disregarding others.
Well, this is a long topic of discussion and I will at some point stand up and justify myself which has no point actually. It is nice to know that people do bother to give honest feedback to my being and its maybe my good karma and that I have been nice to people at some points in time. There isn't a definitive answer to arrive to, all I know is for sure is that one can't please everybody, and when one tries to please everybody, one displeases oneself. I uphold my self, and as much as I hate to say it, I have to lower my self a little in relation to others because if I don't it's gonna hurt me in the future.
One needs to learn to act a little, do a little show, one can't bare one's immediate honesty all the time. Because nobody does that, and nobody recognises it as honesty but anomaly because you don't fit in with the crowd.
And there is really no point in getting all emotionally attached and reactive or defensive over people's perception about you, or explaining your actions and all. Because sure they will "understand" but will you know for sure? Is it gonna change anything? We don't know that. But I do know that it will screw me up somewhat and make me really confused over stuff so OK been there done that. Nuff said.
Time to get myself a new arsenal of tricks for me to face the challenges of the world. Lessons learnt, lessons not gonna be forgotten.
And prioritising needs to be learnt man. Dang it.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Exam preparations period
Now the series of events that were scheduled to happen has happened, I am free to do my own things and move on.
I came into uni with a couple of goals in mind:
1. Look better
2. Start dancing
3. Find job at animation companies
And I am proud to say that I have achieved all 3!
Although I did not get a first class honours scroll, a dashing boyfriend, a cabinet full of awards, I am contended to say that I am satisfied with my achievements, and proud to have stayed true to myself. Sometimes I compare myself with people and true enough I am not the most popular person, not the most impressive person, not the most giving person nor friendly nor glamorous nor charitable for that fact. I always used to compare myself with other people and feel inferior and all about myself, about the things that I do not have, about the insecurities that bug me...
But after these four years, I am very happy with myself. My pursuits are validated by myself, my appearance is controlled by myself, my source of happiness is being myself. Although it may all be very self-oriented, I am glad that I have spend the first 20 odd years in bettering myself, living for myself, being who I want to be and achieving important goals that fullfils my expectations of myself.
There was once upon a time that I wanted to be popular, but I learnt that being the most popular person has down right lots of side effects that I would rather not have. I have never made "making friends" a priority, as I always felt that friendships are dependent on fate, and fate is something not to be manipulated. So there are some awesome people that I do not have the good chance to be good friends with, but I had wished that we could be better friends, may be I could have put in more effort to get to know the person more.
I did not have any expectations of love to come by and although there have been several encounters and all, it did not happen, not that it is in anyway sad, because my idea of romance does not take place in school. And that there really isn't any especially suitable person to cross my paths. So no regrets there. Although I do feel envious sometimes but its alright and I think I'm ready to find my romance, once my career is going well and I will be on my way to achieving my dreams.
Talk about my dreams, I am one step closer now that LucasFilm has accepted me into her doors, I am going to be in contact with awesome people doing awesome things that I'd love to do, to be good at, to be just mega awesome at it. I have been struggling to learn things on my own, I admit times that I had fun in hall with friends have taken a toll on my personal training, but now that university is over, I am going to head myself in the correct and measured direction to gain myself the best training and attain the best results ever.
The motivation to be better has never been so strong before and I am burning with excitement! Like literally! I just feel that despite not being the person who "has it all" I am so happy to have stuck to being myself, honouring my dream, following the path that I set out for myself, with my parents' support. I am going to give half of my salary to my mom every month and I am very satisfied with that arrangement. It means on top of my main job at Lucas, my own technical training, I am going to take up side projects that's gonna give me monetary returns as side pocket money :D. all these are so exciting sounding!
And also I'm going to continue dancing and be much better than myself, and continue losing weight, and gonna keep my hair long haha. Post university me!!
And got to apply for citizenship and start saving money for holidays and self-travels. Life's gonna be even more awesome!!
I came into uni with a couple of goals in mind:
1. Look better
2. Start dancing
3. Find job at animation companies
And I am proud to say that I have achieved all 3!
Although I did not get a first class honours scroll, a dashing boyfriend, a cabinet full of awards, I am contended to say that I am satisfied with my achievements, and proud to have stayed true to myself. Sometimes I compare myself with people and true enough I am not the most popular person, not the most impressive person, not the most giving person nor friendly nor glamorous nor charitable for that fact. I always used to compare myself with other people and feel inferior and all about myself, about the things that I do not have, about the insecurities that bug me...
But after these four years, I am very happy with myself. My pursuits are validated by myself, my appearance is controlled by myself, my source of happiness is being myself. Although it may all be very self-oriented, I am glad that I have spend the first 20 odd years in bettering myself, living for myself, being who I want to be and achieving important goals that fullfils my expectations of myself.
There was once upon a time that I wanted to be popular, but I learnt that being the most popular person has down right lots of side effects that I would rather not have. I have never made "making friends" a priority, as I always felt that friendships are dependent on fate, and fate is something not to be manipulated. So there are some awesome people that I do not have the good chance to be good friends with, but I had wished that we could be better friends, may be I could have put in more effort to get to know the person more.
I did not have any expectations of love to come by and although there have been several encounters and all, it did not happen, not that it is in anyway sad, because my idea of romance does not take place in school. And that there really isn't any especially suitable person to cross my paths. So no regrets there. Although I do feel envious sometimes but its alright and I think I'm ready to find my romance, once my career is going well and I will be on my way to achieving my dreams.
Talk about my dreams, I am one step closer now that LucasFilm has accepted me into her doors, I am going to be in contact with awesome people doing awesome things that I'd love to do, to be good at, to be just mega awesome at it. I have been struggling to learn things on my own, I admit times that I had fun in hall with friends have taken a toll on my personal training, but now that university is over, I am going to head myself in the correct and measured direction to gain myself the best training and attain the best results ever.
The motivation to be better has never been so strong before and I am burning with excitement! Like literally! I just feel that despite not being the person who "has it all" I am so happy to have stuck to being myself, honouring my dream, following the path that I set out for myself, with my parents' support. I am going to give half of my salary to my mom every month and I am very satisfied with that arrangement. It means on top of my main job at Lucas, my own technical training, I am going to take up side projects that's gonna give me monetary returns as side pocket money :D. all these are so exciting sounding!
And also I'm going to continue dancing and be much better than myself, and continue losing weight, and gonna keep my hair long haha. Post university me!!
And got to apply for citizenship and start saving money for holidays and self-travels. Life's gonna be even more awesome!!
Saturday, April 06, 2013
oh dear
I haven't been a good student, a good daughter, a good friend, a good person lately. I have overestimated my emotional maturity and regarding love and relationships I am such a novice. I should try to open myself up so that I can learn through experiencing. I think being too direct is my fault and I can easily scare people off. :( I really didn't mean to hurt people like that, I thought it was a harmless thing to say. I didn't realize how hurtful it could be.
I fail as a female...I have no idea how to interact with the male species without hurting people or getting hurt in return. I guess I am still very immature and childish and that's why I feel so unbalanced at times.
Guess maybe I still feel vengeful towards Danny for what happened in year 1 which gave me some regrets and scars. I thought I had moved on emotionally but I didn't which is why when Nic did the characterisation exercises I couldn't stop crying. I felt that I was damaged because of him. I felt that he made me doubt myself, doubt every other guy that venture near me. I felt some way he made me thorny and afraid of contact. I made me a coward. :(
when I opened the box hidden deep deep away, it was still a little raw and regretful. And what makes me cry the most is still the night we spent together exploring the campus in the rain, and stealing random umbrellas and ice creams and him piggybacking me across the walkway, it was undeniably the best snapshot I have in preservation. Although he hurt me, which I only now quietly admit ( I refused to acknowledge that I was hurt, I didn't want to be so noob, I didn't want to be thought of as a noob...)
I always say live bravely, yet I am always afraid to let people discover who I am. I hate phonies, but I only begin to realize I am one myself. I guess it's impossible to be truthful all the time, because sometimes truths are hard to handle??
I like WahKiat, but I don't want a relationship. Does that not make sense? I got reprimanded by my parents. I thought at least this time I didn't kid myself, I didn't lie to myself. I don't know how to handle my own emotions. I got to read up more on this topic.
Hi World I am a noob in this compartment called love and relationships. I get so frightened by my friend's stories and my own bad experience that I am scared to venture. But my parents reminded me timely that their basic requirement of me is to fulfil the responsibilities of a human being. And reminded me that finding someone is what made "me" possible. If my parents had been afraid of difficulties, sadness and troubles, there wouldn't be me.
I don't know what I am feeling now as I tear and munch on my bowl of mangoes. I feel a bout of emotions I can't quite describe. Gosh as much as i don't want to be a mushy sappy piece of shit, I find myself being one lately.
I fail as a female...I have no idea how to interact with the male species without hurting people or getting hurt in return. I guess I am still very immature and childish and that's why I feel so unbalanced at times.
Guess maybe I still feel vengeful towards Danny for what happened in year 1 which gave me some regrets and scars. I thought I had moved on emotionally but I didn't which is why when Nic did the characterisation exercises I couldn't stop crying. I felt that I was damaged because of him. I felt that he made me doubt myself, doubt every other guy that venture near me. I felt some way he made me thorny and afraid of contact. I made me a coward. :(
when I opened the box hidden deep deep away, it was still a little raw and regretful. And what makes me cry the most is still the night we spent together exploring the campus in the rain, and stealing random umbrellas and ice creams and him piggybacking me across the walkway, it was undeniably the best snapshot I have in preservation. Although he hurt me, which I only now quietly admit ( I refused to acknowledge that I was hurt, I didn't want to be so noob, I didn't want to be thought of as a noob...)
I always say live bravely, yet I am always afraid to let people discover who I am. I hate phonies, but I only begin to realize I am one myself. I guess it's impossible to be truthful all the time, because sometimes truths are hard to handle??
I like WahKiat, but I don't want a relationship. Does that not make sense? I got reprimanded by my parents. I thought at least this time I didn't kid myself, I didn't lie to myself. I don't know how to handle my own emotions. I got to read up more on this topic.
Hi World I am a noob in this compartment called love and relationships. I get so frightened by my friend's stories and my own bad experience that I am scared to venture. But my parents reminded me timely that their basic requirement of me is to fulfil the responsibilities of a human being. And reminded me that finding someone is what made "me" possible. If my parents had been afraid of difficulties, sadness and troubles, there wouldn't be me.
I don't know what I am feeling now as I tear and munch on my bowl of mangoes. I feel a bout of emotions I can't quite describe. Gosh as much as i don't want to be a mushy sappy piece of shit, I find myself being one lately.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
OK i really blog alittle too much lately
I had the most horrible dream....
It was a class that I somehow missed or got mixed up, can't really remember but there was a cock up, and my pet lion was skinned alive and all there was left of him was his skin and mane, hies bones, muscles and blood, all gone. :'(
I cried in my dream. This is so sad.
It was a class that I somehow missed or got mixed up, can't really remember but there was a cock up, and my pet lion was skinned alive and all there was left of him was his skin and mane, hies bones, muscles and blood, all gone. :'(
I cried in my dream. This is so sad.
Monday, April 01, 2013
Post Dp
I find myself blogging a little too much recently, sheepish laugh.
Well, DP is over. I feel mildly lost, not with all the pracs taking up my time, a load finally lifted off my shoulder, I kinda don't know what to do with the time anymore. Well, complete my work of course, which I am rather excited to delve into actually.
What I love about DP is that over these crazy 3 days of incessant activities and sensory overload, the laughter and tears that we share, the pains and triumphs that we endure, the booze we drink before show. It is all too precious a memory and it is sad this it has come to an end so fast.
I love how this DP has turned out. I did not begin by believing in it as much, I thought the story was loose, too emo for me and a little too much contemporariness IMO. However after watching the runs over and over again, the central idea bores through, and it is heartwarming to know that it is these same emotions that everybody goes through at this stage of their lives. US, the young ones, dealing with expectations, individualities, securities, love, kinship, stress and friendships.
I wept when I first read the parent's letter. I can totally identify with the words although I later found out that Step wrote it and she wasn't even the least affected about it. Oh well, "when I needed you and you needed me", I thought of my parents, everything they have done for me, bringing me to this world, the hard work they put in for me for me to turn into who I am today. I am a happy person because of my parents and not because of me. My parents are simple hardworking people, and that is who I am going to become. They taught me the important values that guides me in life, in times of doubt, in the ways of society. Despite moments of selfishness where I disregard all these that I have I decide to focus on things that I do not have, I have made remarks and felt emotions that I have grown to be ashamed of. I am ashamed of not contacting my parents frequently, not wanting to connect with them, not wanting them to participate in my own life. I am so selfish.
Having learnt my lesson, I want to try to rectify myself, I want to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better dancer and a better person.
DP is not just about the few minutes of stage time, it is the hard work we put in over the months of practice, the injuries, the agonies of pursuing something we love, the time we spent together. "Somewhere only we know..."
Despite words of angst and feelings of depressions, I love the fact I stuck through with DP and did not pull out. And I love the fact that Jessica stuck through with Dp and Joan stuck through with it too. I am genuinely proud of them. And I am proud of KRDP2013.
What I miss now is the hugs and fist bumps backstage, the faces we see when we exit stage after each performance, the pats on the back and the smiles and "Good jobs!", "You guys were great!". I miss helping my friends with hair and makeup, sticking on their falsies which dropped off and I had to stick it on again; braiding my friends' hair and feeling super perfectionistic and redoing it again and again; piggybacking the Jess and laughing at her disabilities (is actually my way of trying to make her feel better, abit Bian tai, but the origins are good), rubbing Yuwei's stomach before show; spotting familiar faces in the audiences. I don't usually gush over these things anymore because having performed a number of times, the excitement wore off a little.
And what Dismas said about this being our last performance is not hitting me yet, probably because I was not as involved in DP as he was coz he was lead + director, i think practically his whole life was DP until it was over. But for me, DP is a place to dance, to learn choreography, to interact and learn about my dancemates, although we dance so differently initially, we came to dance like each other towards the end.
So many things to say about DP and so little time to brood over it because I have 2 animations to finish by the end of the day. I just want to remember the good times, the crazy times, the bad times, everything. Do a proper closure for DP and a little tribute to it. For everybody who shared the same experiences despite being so different, I'm glad we came together and we did something all together. It is a helluva good memory to have. :')
Well, DP is over. I feel mildly lost, not with all the pracs taking up my time, a load finally lifted off my shoulder, I kinda don't know what to do with the time anymore. Well, complete my work of course, which I am rather excited to delve into actually.
What I love about DP is that over these crazy 3 days of incessant activities and sensory overload, the laughter and tears that we share, the pains and triumphs that we endure, the booze we drink before show. It is all too precious a memory and it is sad this it has come to an end so fast.
I love how this DP has turned out. I did not begin by believing in it as much, I thought the story was loose, too emo for me and a little too much contemporariness IMO. However after watching the runs over and over again, the central idea bores through, and it is heartwarming to know that it is these same emotions that everybody goes through at this stage of their lives. US, the young ones, dealing with expectations, individualities, securities, love, kinship, stress and friendships.
I wept when I first read the parent's letter. I can totally identify with the words although I later found out that Step wrote it and she wasn't even the least affected about it. Oh well, "when I needed you and you needed me", I thought of my parents, everything they have done for me, bringing me to this world, the hard work they put in for me for me to turn into who I am today. I am a happy person because of my parents and not because of me. My parents are simple hardworking people, and that is who I am going to become. They taught me the important values that guides me in life, in times of doubt, in the ways of society. Despite moments of selfishness where I disregard all these that I have I decide to focus on things that I do not have, I have made remarks and felt emotions that I have grown to be ashamed of. I am ashamed of not contacting my parents frequently, not wanting to connect with them, not wanting them to participate in my own life. I am so selfish.
Having learnt my lesson, I want to try to rectify myself, I want to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better dancer and a better person.
DP is not just about the few minutes of stage time, it is the hard work we put in over the months of practice, the injuries, the agonies of pursuing something we love, the time we spent together. "Somewhere only we know..."
Despite words of angst and feelings of depressions, I love the fact I stuck through with DP and did not pull out. And I love the fact that Jessica stuck through with Dp and Joan stuck through with it too. I am genuinely proud of them. And I am proud of KRDP2013.
What I miss now is the hugs and fist bumps backstage, the faces we see when we exit stage after each performance, the pats on the back and the smiles and "Good jobs!", "You guys were great!". I miss helping my friends with hair and makeup, sticking on their falsies which dropped off and I had to stick it on again; braiding my friends' hair and feeling super perfectionistic and redoing it again and again; piggybacking the Jess and laughing at her disabilities (is actually my way of trying to make her feel better, abit Bian tai, but the origins are good), rubbing Yuwei's stomach before show; spotting familiar faces in the audiences. I don't usually gush over these things anymore because having performed a number of times, the excitement wore off a little.
And what Dismas said about this being our last performance is not hitting me yet, probably because I was not as involved in DP as he was coz he was lead + director, i think practically his whole life was DP until it was over. But for me, DP is a place to dance, to learn choreography, to interact and learn about my dancemates, although we dance so differently initially, we came to dance like each other towards the end.
So many things to say about DP and so little time to brood over it because I have 2 animations to finish by the end of the day. I just want to remember the good times, the crazy times, the bad times, everything. Do a proper closure for DP and a little tribute to it. For everybody who shared the same experiences despite being so different, I'm glad we came together and we did something all together. It is a helluva good memory to have. :')
Friday, March 29, 2013
Blues
This week has been difficult.
First I have to watch my friend suffer from a badly sprained ankle and see her struggle with the choice of whether to give up dancing for DP. And as I watched I really admire her strength and determination. Even though at times I wish I could just tell her to stop but instead I kept mum and let her go on. Because I knew if I were her I wouldn't want anyone to tell me to stop. Even if it meant not telling my parents about it because they would tell me to give it up.
All I can do is help. And watch her struggle.
And what makes this week more difficult is the constant struggle of trying to give up this knot of feelings which I don't want to have anymore. It just screws me up and make me an impulsive jealous mean thing which makes me feel so bad that I made someone I like put up with it.
That said, I don't know why I put up with my drunk friend in my room while I slept in fear. It was really quite traumatizing and I think I will be quite uncomfortable with my friend. And by not being able to communicate this fear to the liked party and feeling angsty towards him for being not understanding of me is totally not logical and wrong. And I know it but I can't help it. I think I would not be able to hold it in for long....
And work is piled up like a mountain and I can't finish any of it. And ponning classes is my way of dealing with it which will only backfire on me later. I fear the backlash of my own actions.
And my friend dealing with breakup and boyfriend moving on. It brings me to tears everytime I read her blogposts. So raw and so painful yet so alive. And this week I feel like I'm living in a dream, a most imaginatively tormenting one that is. A little hope, a little shit, a little smile, a slap across the face, a little warmth and a cold shoulder. So agonizing yet so inviting. I'm a little far gone to pull myself out now, I have to admit now. I am really not sure where this is going to go.
Lastly, I met up with dear friends from secondary school, and it was amazing how everyone are pursuing different lives now. And April who I thought was childish and immature before has become so mature through work life and everything that I look up to her with respect.
Life is so amazing. Live bravely.
First I have to watch my friend suffer from a badly sprained ankle and see her struggle with the choice of whether to give up dancing for DP. And as I watched I really admire her strength and determination. Even though at times I wish I could just tell her to stop but instead I kept mum and let her go on. Because I knew if I were her I wouldn't want anyone to tell me to stop. Even if it meant not telling my parents about it because they would tell me to give it up.
All I can do is help. And watch her struggle.
And what makes this week more difficult is the constant struggle of trying to give up this knot of feelings which I don't want to have anymore. It just screws me up and make me an impulsive jealous mean thing which makes me feel so bad that I made someone I like put up with it.
That said, I don't know why I put up with my drunk friend in my room while I slept in fear. It was really quite traumatizing and I think I will be quite uncomfortable with my friend. And by not being able to communicate this fear to the liked party and feeling angsty towards him for being not understanding of me is totally not logical and wrong. And I know it but I can't help it. I think I would not be able to hold it in for long....
And work is piled up like a mountain and I can't finish any of it. And ponning classes is my way of dealing with it which will only backfire on me later. I fear the backlash of my own actions.
And my friend dealing with breakup and boyfriend moving on. It brings me to tears everytime I read her blogposts. So raw and so painful yet so alive. And this week I feel like I'm living in a dream, a most imaginatively tormenting one that is. A little hope, a little shit, a little smile, a slap across the face, a little warmth and a cold shoulder. So agonizing yet so inviting. I'm a little far gone to pull myself out now, I have to admit now. I am really not sure where this is going to go.
Lastly, I met up with dear friends from secondary school, and it was amazing how everyone are pursuing different lives now. And April who I thought was childish and immature before has become so mature through work life and everything that I look up to her with respect.
Life is so amazing. Live bravely.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
post interview blues
I don't know what is it about the interviews, I always feel so drained after them. Update, I went for Lucasfilm interview round 2 yesterday afternoon. And I'm not sure whether it was the travelling that killed me or the interview itself. The interview lasted for 1 hour plus, I suppose it was good because I feel that the I am the same kind of people as my interviewers. We are all geeks and in love with making animation and cool stuffs on the big screen. A little socially awkward, with that undeniable tinge of sourness towards having a social life, these little things that I picked up from the conversation.
Despite feeling exhausted afterwards, I felt I was present the whole time during the interview, and I think that's a good thing. Because the whole creative space in the company excites me. I really want to earn my place there. After 4 years of university, I am ready to begin my apprenticeship, I am ready to prow open the richness and abundant resources there lie awaiting. I am ready to ask tons of technical and artistic questions to the people who created the scenes that make me wanna cry.
Maybe its all these that overwhelms me and drained me of all my energies. And I came back feeling surreal all over again and once my head touched my pillow, I'm gone.
I wouldn't dare say that I'd confirm get the job, but the two interviews went smoothly and it felt really natural just like watching a stone set into place. Although I still harbor some crossed-finger-ness, I'm really looking forward to stepping in.
Despite feeling exhausted afterwards, I felt I was present the whole time during the interview, and I think that's a good thing. Because the whole creative space in the company excites me. I really want to earn my place there. After 4 years of university, I am ready to begin my apprenticeship, I am ready to prow open the richness and abundant resources there lie awaiting. I am ready to ask tons of technical and artistic questions to the people who created the scenes that make me wanna cry.
Maybe its all these that overwhelms me and drained me of all my energies. And I came back feeling surreal all over again and once my head touched my pillow, I'm gone.
I wouldn't dare say that I'd confirm get the job, but the two interviews went smoothly and it felt really natural just like watching a stone set into place. Although I still harbor some crossed-finger-ness, I'm really looking forward to stepping in.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I need peace
My inner peace is disturbed now. I can sum it all up saying my life is getting out of control now.
All these commitments, they are losing their meaning on me.
All these "friends", they are also losing their meaning on me.
Am I the person that I want to become 5 years ago?
Problem is I can't remember what I had wanted to become.
I worry that I will not be able to love anyone because I am too in love with myself, and I am really not letting anyone in. I am so scared of professing my feelings that I lie to myself, and I feel so much angst building up and I don't know how to dissipate it.
I am always worrying about how others perceive me and I have had enough of myself.
I hate the container that I put myself in and I want to reach out to the person I have came to love.
Why do I have so many meaningless thoughts going on. I don't want it.
Maybe it's just today. I am at a junction of my life.
I don't want to be haps - then don't feel envious about it.
I don't want to have too many friends - then don't feel left out when people don't approach you.
I don't want too much attention - then don't feel all that angst when you don't get the attention.
Don't want any relationships? or do you want it because of someone? have you ever let the someone know that you have feelings for him?
I am so scared that I can't do anything about it. :(
All these commitments, they are losing their meaning on me.
All these "friends", they are also losing their meaning on me.
Am I the person that I want to become 5 years ago?
Problem is I can't remember what I had wanted to become.
I worry that I will not be able to love anyone because I am too in love with myself, and I am really not letting anyone in. I am so scared of professing my feelings that I lie to myself, and I feel so much angst building up and I don't know how to dissipate it.
I am always worrying about how others perceive me and I have had enough of myself.
I hate the container that I put myself in and I want to reach out to the person I have came to love.
Why do I have so many meaningless thoughts going on. I don't want it.
Maybe it's just today. I am at a junction of my life.
I don't want to be haps - then don't feel envious about it.
I don't want to have too many friends - then don't feel left out when people don't approach you.
I don't want too much attention - then don't feel all that angst when you don't get the attention.
Don't want any relationships? or do you want it because of someone? have you ever let the someone know that you have feelings for him?
I am so scared that I can't do anything about it. :(
Monday, February 25, 2013
Reviewing myself
As the pressure of getting attached gets into my head, I start to become some sappy 做作 shit that I don't like.
Last night I cried because I found out that Wahaha threw away the letter that I wrote to him last semester. It probably didn't matter to him, but it broke my heart, in a tiny way, and I feel stupid for assuming that he will keep it. That probably goes to show that I don't matter to him the way he matters to me. And all these over-thinking things really bogs me down and I really don't wanna over-think anymore.
And I should stop feeling sorry for myself because there's no one to blame, and there's no blame to push. I probably just assumed and didn't really give away any inklings of myself coz I am just too scared or timid, and I get mad at people when they don't automatically understand what I am thinking. My facade of peace and calm is falling apart and I should probably just admit it that I am really not one to be wishy-washy and be caught in the whirlpool of my own thoughts.
Either way, I kinda feel lighter and more grounded because now at least I am a little bit closer to the truth? I am not living in my own made up world of worship and admiration (that's a little exaggerated but kinda true too). In any scale, I'm not being totally fair to Wahaha by expecting so much from him when he doesn't know I had feelings for him (which may totally be self-constructed in my head).
That said, I feel much more at ease with myself that hey I'm normal, I have self-doubts and fear of being rejected, but I act all righteous to hide it and all.
I gotta try to be more open and accepting and less easily hurt. This world is fucked up we all know it, but its up to us to discover the amazing beautiful moments from this fucked-up-ness, and I got to get off my lazy ass and do something about this world, this life. If I just keep complaining about it, nothing is going to change, and I will be sabotaging myself.
I know what I like, but sometimes, I gotta like things that are good for me.
Last night I cried because I found out that Wahaha threw away the letter that I wrote to him last semester. It probably didn't matter to him, but it broke my heart, in a tiny way, and I feel stupid for assuming that he will keep it. That probably goes to show that I don't matter to him the way he matters to me. And all these over-thinking things really bogs me down and I really don't wanna over-think anymore.
And I should stop feeling sorry for myself because there's no one to blame, and there's no blame to push. I probably just assumed and didn't really give away any inklings of myself coz I am just too scared or timid, and I get mad at people when they don't automatically understand what I am thinking. My facade of peace and calm is falling apart and I should probably just admit it that I am really not one to be wishy-washy and be caught in the whirlpool of my own thoughts.
Either way, I kinda feel lighter and more grounded because now at least I am a little bit closer to the truth? I am not living in my own made up world of worship and admiration (that's a little exaggerated but kinda true too). In any scale, I'm not being totally fair to Wahaha by expecting so much from him when he doesn't know I had feelings for him (which may totally be self-constructed in my head).
That said, I feel much more at ease with myself that hey I'm normal, I have self-doubts and fear of being rejected, but I act all righteous to hide it and all.
I gotta try to be more open and accepting and less easily hurt. This world is fucked up we all know it, but its up to us to discover the amazing beautiful moments from this fucked-up-ness, and I got to get off my lazy ass and do something about this world, this life. If I just keep complaining about it, nothing is going to change, and I will be sabotaging myself.
I know what I like, but sometimes, I gotta like things that are good for me.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
I should be proud of who I am
At this point in time, my body and my brain and my psyche is screaming GIVE UP in a chorus.
I got kp-ed from almost all the items I am in, guilty as charged.
I won't say that I am flippant and commitment phobic, I guess I get kp-ed because people have expectations of me that I am not meeting, and well nobody has that time to find out why, they probably just assumed that I was not putting in enough effort. which technically is very true. I did not put in enough effort to individual items, and events and modules and projects in general. I really need to step up my game this sem, this shit is serious. I pretty much got myself so tied up in everything, I have no time to breath, no time to feel emo, no time to even think much about that one someone that I want to care for.
I guess its time to rise up to this ultimate challenge of university life, and I must have faith that I will emerge victorious because I believe I have the potential, I need to excavate it and this pressurizing atmostphere will not kill me, and I will find that one thing to hold on and push myself through.
I just need to push myself even harder!
I can do this.
I really really can.
and good thing, I am learning to accept criticisms frankfully and openly.
I am not perfect, far from it, I am lazy and deserve to be reprimanded. I shud be thankful that people take effort to point it out and change my ways. I am adaptative and built for success. I should be less self-centered really. I need to show people the respect that I should have for them. the fact that they can do things that I can't, is a valid premise for respect.
That said, Im gonna get a good sleep, control my easily wild rampant thoughts and get my game on for the next two wild days and 2 busy busy weeks to come. really not chance for a breather at all.
This busy life, challenge accepted!
I got kp-ed from almost all the items I am in, guilty as charged.
I won't say that I am flippant and commitment phobic, I guess I get kp-ed because people have expectations of me that I am not meeting, and well nobody has that time to find out why, they probably just assumed that I was not putting in enough effort. which technically is very true. I did not put in enough effort to individual items, and events and modules and projects in general. I really need to step up my game this sem, this shit is serious. I pretty much got myself so tied up in everything, I have no time to breath, no time to feel emo, no time to even think much about that one someone that I want to care for.
I guess its time to rise up to this ultimate challenge of university life, and I must have faith that I will emerge victorious because I believe I have the potential, I need to excavate it and this pressurizing atmostphere will not kill me, and I will find that one thing to hold on and push myself through.
I just need to push myself even harder!
I can do this.
I really really can.
and good thing, I am learning to accept criticisms frankfully and openly.
I am not perfect, far from it, I am lazy and deserve to be reprimanded. I shud be thankful that people take effort to point it out and change my ways. I am adaptative and built for success. I should be less self-centered really. I need to show people the respect that I should have for them. the fact that they can do things that I can't, is a valid premise for respect.
That said, Im gonna get a good sleep, control my easily wild rampant thoughts and get my game on for the next two wild days and 2 busy busy weeks to come. really not chance for a breather at all.
This busy life, challenge accepted!
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Reflections
Many a times when I meet with difficulties, I tend to voice out my complains. I never saw it as a problem, I always thought voicing out my thoughts help me think better because the process of forming these sentences forces me to rationalize my thoughts with logic. I have rampant thoughts, sometimes they take a toll on my emotion when they become too focused on a tiny point, and I dwell in clammy darkness until something somehow brings me out of it.
Having lived 20 odd years, I look back at my growth. For the most part I have been trying to deal with the changes and emotions associated with immigration, trying to blend in so that I do not suffer the psychological torments of being different from my peers and a possible conflict of identity or a lack thereof.
I have been examining my own life to a microscopic level and when I zoom out of it, I find nothing very spectacular about it. I may have blown my obstacles a little out of proportion, I may not have had it as hard as I thought I did. I may have just slipped and settled in that comfortable shabby corner in my thoughts that life is just like that.
I have considerably lost the drive to pursue academic excellence, somewhere somehow grades have lost their meaning on me. It was not impossible to obtain good grades, I do see the immediate benefits of being better than others, but I don't feel that need to obtain it. I lack drive or I lack a goal.
I always believed in dreams, and the character that inspires me most is none other than Luffy. One quote of his has kept me going for the longest time and he made me believe in having dreams. One thing I'm glad of is this dream has remained the same and I am working towards it.
Albeit at a really slow pace. I may blame it on the level of concentration in my course of study but most of it come from my inability to focus. I am bombarded with too many wants, expectations and goals I want to achieve, too much informations and possibilities, too much comfort and too little conviction.
I always thought fear is what hinders progress, but I grew to realize that fear comes in different flavors and what it is that you fear makes all the difference. For me I fear the lack of identity, that's why I made it a priority to be myself, even if that made me less "friends" or the occlusion from cliques. On a side note, I hate cliques. Also, I fear competition, that's why I never have any, I fear losing. I fear that even if I work hard I'm still not better than anybody else, so I do not work hard so that logical claim has no claim because the premise is not satisfied.
Desert flower, a moving story, punched me in the stomach and made me ashamed of myself. I have and I own so much, yet I made no good use of it, I am full of complaints and petty little grudges. I am unable to open up myself wholly and I often wonder whether its a one-sided effort, whether I can open myself up by my own efforts. But I guess it's a relative thing that's why "open up to" is a compound phrase, there is an object to open up to.
And...my thoughts have been interrupted and I shall return to meditating.
Having lived 20 odd years, I look back at my growth. For the most part I have been trying to deal with the changes and emotions associated with immigration, trying to blend in so that I do not suffer the psychological torments of being different from my peers and a possible conflict of identity or a lack thereof.
I have been examining my own life to a microscopic level and when I zoom out of it, I find nothing very spectacular about it. I may have blown my obstacles a little out of proportion, I may not have had it as hard as I thought I did. I may have just slipped and settled in that comfortable shabby corner in my thoughts that life is just like that.
I have considerably lost the drive to pursue academic excellence, somewhere somehow grades have lost their meaning on me. It was not impossible to obtain good grades, I do see the immediate benefits of being better than others, but I don't feel that need to obtain it. I lack drive or I lack a goal.
I always believed in dreams, and the character that inspires me most is none other than Luffy. One quote of his has kept me going for the longest time and he made me believe in having dreams. One thing I'm glad of is this dream has remained the same and I am working towards it.
Albeit at a really slow pace. I may blame it on the level of concentration in my course of study but most of it come from my inability to focus. I am bombarded with too many wants, expectations and goals I want to achieve, too much informations and possibilities, too much comfort and too little conviction.
I always thought fear is what hinders progress, but I grew to realize that fear comes in different flavors and what it is that you fear makes all the difference. For me I fear the lack of identity, that's why I made it a priority to be myself, even if that made me less "friends" or the occlusion from cliques. On a side note, I hate cliques. Also, I fear competition, that's why I never have any, I fear losing. I fear that even if I work hard I'm still not better than anybody else, so I do not work hard so that logical claim has no claim because the premise is not satisfied.
Desert flower, a moving story, punched me in the stomach and made me ashamed of myself. I have and I own so much, yet I made no good use of it, I am full of complaints and petty little grudges. I am unable to open up myself wholly and I often wonder whether its a one-sided effort, whether I can open myself up by my own efforts. But I guess it's a relative thing that's why "open up to" is a compound phrase, there is an object to open up to.
And...my thoughts have been interrupted and I shall return to meditating.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
The end
And peacefully I think this infatuation has come to an end, yes I am free from the bindings of the heart once more! Not saying its necessary bad or good either, I'm just glad I'm free from torment whoosh and I'd always want a friend more than a boyfriend, and even though it was very tempting I'm relieved I did not jump right in and my resistance paid off.
I think what works for me is really a good Go right from the start, like everything fits, like harmony without having to try very hard. And sweet words and compliments aren't really sweet and comfortable if they don't come from someone who share that special bond from the first glance.
This one was close really very close but it fell short nonetheless and I'm not hotheaded like before to want everything to work out. Am glad that I waited and am glad I chose to protect the friendship instead.
As much as I am envious of happy couples, I should not waste mine and the other party's time if I don't see a future with the person at all.
And all said, friendships last longer.
- Pyosted using BlogPress from my iPad
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