Blues

This week has been difficult.

First I have to watch my friend suffer from a badly sprained ankle and see her struggle with the choice of whether to give up dancing for DP. And as I watched I really admire her strength and determination. Even though at times I wish I could just tell her to stop but instead I kept mum and let her go on. Because I knew if I were her I wouldn't want anyone to tell me to stop. Even if it meant not telling my parents about it because they would tell me to give it up.

All I can do is help. And watch her struggle.

And what makes this week more difficult is the constant struggle of trying to give up this knot of feelings which I don't want to have anymore. It just screws me up and make me an impulsive jealous mean thing which makes me feel so bad that I made someone I like put up with it.

That said, I don't know why I put up with my drunk friend in my room while I slept in fear. It was really quite traumatizing and I think I will be quite uncomfortable with my friend. And by not being able to communicate this fear to the liked party and feeling angsty towards him for being not understanding of me is totally not logical and wrong. And I know it but I can't help it. I think I would not be able to hold it in for long....

And work is piled up like a mountain and I can't finish any of it. And ponning classes is my way of dealing with it which will only backfire on me later. I fear the backlash of my own actions.

And my friend dealing with breakup and boyfriend moving on. It brings me to tears everytime I read her blogposts. So raw and so painful yet so alive. And this week I feel like I'm living in a dream, a most imaginatively tormenting one that is. A little hope, a little shit, a little smile, a slap across the face, a little warmth and a cold shoulder. So agonizing yet so inviting. I'm a little far gone to pull myself out now, I have to admit now. I am really not sure where this is going to go.

Lastly, I met up with dear friends from secondary school, and it was amazing how everyone are pursuing different lives now. And April who I thought was childish and immature before has become so mature through work life and everything that I look up to her with respect.

Life is so amazing. Live bravely.