thoughts

just some random thoughts that i want to jot down:

who am I kidding when I tell people I don't need a relationship. Yes actually I don't need a relationship, but I need love. and I figure it's about time that I go out and find it. It's not sufficient a reason anymore, that I don't have because I didn't go out to find. It is precisely why you don't have, because you didn't bother to find. And now the focus is, why didn't you find? Because I thought I didn't need one, but now I reckon I do need, and so I will remind myself timely that I should, and proactively so, find.

which brings me to my second thought, I will find someone with equal or higher intellectual levels, because it'd be boring with someone not. and by intellectual levels, it does not refer to only academic, but the wholesome intelligence collected over 20+ years of living and experiencing. Read, wholesome. Not that I judge my parents, but the knowledge gap is big, and it is unfortunate for the higher level because it's always colder and lonelier for the one on top. and not so lonely for the one lower because there's abundance and ignorance. Really, I'm not judging, but I will not repeat it in my relationship.

And I lament again at why people would rather live and skirt around when there's an obvious big fat elephant in the room. I hate such situations. if I can and not come across as rude, I will point it out and say "shit u, there's a big fat elephant, why don't we get it out and carry on with our lives", won't that feel a lot easier and how will being the first to point it out be related to your pride in anyway???? I don't get it. well I do, but I think everybody should just live life with more honesty and seriously have straighter innards.

which brings me to the topic of promise and commitments. seriously, I quote from some movie I've watched "words fall from our mouths and die at our feet". Not to mention that we talk a lot of really useless shit (there are good shit), we promise and take our promises toooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO very lightly that one shouldn't even call it a promise anymore! And especially when the promise is monetarily or emotionally attached, because these are the two things people are jumpy and serious about. If you can't meet that promise, don't make it! If you made a promise, keep it! It's commitment made to someone, and it only goes to show that the someone don't matter a shit if your promise don't matter a shit. Refering to ongoing situation, if I ever gonna be a tenant at someone's house, I will hand in my rent on the dot, best that I can. I will prepare the rent days ago, put it in an envelope and give it to my landlord the first chance I can. If I am in a difficult situation, I will take my initiative to tell my landlord that I am tight, and I will give it in with details of date and time that I know that I will be able to fulfill. Ever heard the story of the kid who cried wolf? You only have 3 chances before your credibility is gone. It's either your credibility doesn't matter to you or the person doesn't matter to you.

and brings me to punctuality. I am cutting this bad habit of being late. and I hope my friends whom I go out with will cut it too. because time is important, I could have spent that time waiting for you doing something else, and of course vice versa. I will wait and be understanding if you were held up for countable good reason, I will take it personal, I will take it that I don't mean a shit to you, if you just did not bother to turn up because you overslept, you couldn't get your ass to move, you were LAZY! omg I hate that as an excuse. not saying that I am perfectly punctual all the time, in fact I was late for many times for many things, and I feel super guilty coz it's like having double standards. I will kick it. I very very will.

not forgetting to mention feedly, this awesome chrome extension. I love it to bits! I could read all my favourite feeds all at one place. and tumblr, god i love tumblr. yup off to reading interactive computer graphics! i only have 6 more days to exam.

PS:
forgot to add, the reason why I wanted to blog today. Watched "Maid in Manhattan" for the probably 4th time, because it was showing on HBO, god I love that channel. It's an inspiring movie! the point of the movie makes me understand that one shouldn't be judged by the work he/she does, referring to the less desirable jobs. Because it only happens to certain people to be lucky enough to actually end up doing something he/she wanted. Most people don't have a choice. Because reality is never a choice. And when I graduate, I would have to be able to put food on the table, to pay my bills, to buy myself all the stuff that I wanted. Because one should be accountable for oneself. And although being a maid is by some social standards not a proud career choice, it does not give anyone the slightest reason to judge their character based on their jobs, and neither give anyone the excuse to neglect basic manners and respect.

Secondly, the movie strengthened my belief that it definitely pays to stay real and not a phony. It really is a lot easier and phonies are irksome.

thirdly, being REALLY good (not in comparative sense, but absolute sense) at what you do, is only the quickest way to get you somewhere.

and that movie made my day. yay

OLLO

I haven't written a post in a long time (the previous post doesn't count). And here I feel that I have something I need to pen down or type out, after watching this:



I mean, haven't this become a cliche? that we talk so much about it, about seizing the moment, about being the best you can while you are at it. And whenever I hear about it, think about it, I ask whether I am doing it? I answer no. Why is it so difficult to pick up and just do something that you know you want to do it? Why bother doing things that don't matter? why think that that someone will always be there? I don't know, this way of life is too embedded and too difficult to change. I wish I had taken up alot more things just so fail at it, really. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, at least I have tried, and even though I fail at it once, twice, I still do enjoy it, don't I? I have no regrets getting lousy CAP since year 1 sem 1, coz now I can tell you how it feels to have an impetus, and having a lousy CAP is by no means any sin, and by no means any measure of my character (it only says I wasn't into studying in year 1). oh god, but what about that amazing person I want to be???? When do I begin being that person?? When do I start being me?? I find myself amazing, at times, but only at times. I do think I am rather selfish and narcissistic possibly, and maybe too anal and judgmental most of the time. I realize this is a jumpy post, as if I am talking to myself, which I did about 2 hrs ago coz i was bored from studying HUman Resource Management, I began talking to myself, and I rather liked talking to myself except I always derail and end up talking about something totally irrelevant. I rather be the listener when talking to other people, this doesn't mean I have nothing to share, I just want to know more about other people than I want them to know about me, but if they wanna know more about me, I guess I will disclose with no inhibitions and that probably will be a little bit scary and awkward coz i just say whatever comes to mind, and don't remind me how i was telling this cute junior about my urine test, i was appalled by myself. anyway, back to mugging.

Fake shit

I abhore hall. All the glamour, fun and bullshit family away from home, is at the end, just bullshit. I want my peace and quite and maybe just one soulmate, i dunnid so many fake shit so-called friends, I'm sorry I am irritated, but yes I dun want the fake shit people who circulate around like flies hovering around shit. it is tiring and it drains the shit out of me, and I fucking don't like it.

a feeling that is neither here nor there

I feel tons of things and nothing at the same time. Life throws me weird things and weird situations. I'm torn between the facade of hall life and reality of real family and real friends and a real life. I don't know, sometimes things are just there within my reach, I know I could grasp it if I just reached out, but I am timid, I am shy, I choose to stay in my shell and wait for it to take me by force and sweep me off my feet. I'm sorry I may appear aloof, cock up, whatever...

anw second command in hall, i cry because i hate departures, and i hate the aftermath of crying. renying not staying already, one less real friend in hall, already missing all the late night runs and suppers with her. :( sad that benedict is gone too. just like how gerald sim is gone and he didn't come back. :(

back to webcasts i guess, only real thing that I have in my hands now are them, homework and knowledge...let the fleeting come to me...and my eyes cannot open anymore...