Reflections

Many a times when I meet with difficulties, I tend to voice out my complains. I never saw it as a problem, I always thought voicing out my thoughts help me think better because the process of forming these sentences forces me to rationalize my thoughts with logic. I have rampant thoughts, sometimes they take a toll on my emotion when they become too focused on a tiny point, and I dwell in clammy darkness until something somehow brings me out of it.

Having lived 20 odd years, I look back at my growth. For the most part I have been trying to deal with the changes and emotions associated with immigration, trying to blend in so that I do not suffer the psychological torments of being different from my peers and a possible conflict of identity or a lack thereof.

I have been examining my own life to a microscopic level and when I zoom out of it, I find nothing very spectacular about it. I may have blown my obstacles a little out of proportion, I may not have had it as hard as I thought I did. I may have just slipped and settled in that comfortable shabby corner in my thoughts that life is just like that.

I have considerably lost the drive to pursue academic excellence, somewhere somehow grades have lost their meaning on me. It was not impossible to obtain good grades, I do see the immediate benefits of  being better than others, but I don't feel that need to obtain it. I lack drive or I lack a goal.

I always believed in dreams, and the character that inspires me most is none other than Luffy. One quote of his has kept me going for the longest time and he made me believe in having dreams. One thing I'm glad of is this dream has remained the same and I am working towards it.

Albeit at a really slow pace. I may blame it on the level of concentration in my course of study but most of it come from my inability to focus. I am bombarded with too many wants, expectations and goals I want to achieve, too much informations and possibilities, too much comfort and too little conviction.

I always thought fear is what hinders progress, but I grew to realize that fear comes in different flavors and what it is that you fear makes all the difference. For me I fear the lack of identity, that's why I made it a priority to be myself, even if that made me less "friends" or the occlusion from cliques. On a side note, I hate cliques. Also, I fear competition, that's why I never have any, I fear losing. I fear that even if I work hard I'm still not better than anybody else, so I do not work hard so that logical claim has no claim because the premise is not satisfied.

Desert flower, a moving story, punched me in the stomach and made me ashamed of myself. I have and I own so much, yet I made no good use of it, I am full of complaints and petty little grudges. I am unable to open up myself wholly and I often wonder whether its a one-sided effort, whether I can open myself up by my own efforts. But I guess it's a relative thing that's why "open up to" is a compound phrase, there is an object to open up to.

And...my thoughts have been interrupted and I shall return to meditating.