The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Have this sense of disintegration lately, dun really know how to put it into words, just this feeling of "modularity" maybe, that everything is disconnected from each other. "modularity" may not be the best word, coz it's supposed to be desirable, computing-wise, but breaking my life down into blobs and parts is totally not making me happy. I am actually tired of my life, really tired, to the point that I do not want to wake up to each new day.

Because, honestly, my life is boring. It is harsh but yes, it is boring. And it bothers me even more when those people that I perceive as undeserving seem to have a more enjoyable life than me.

I kept telling myself that I don't have the means to own those joys yet, and it is not right to splurge using my parents' money, although I do spend quite a bit on this and that. But, my life nowadays is really just me and my laptop. I feel no passion, no connection, no life. I thought I could love what I am doing, but I just don't feel this love at all.

But then again, it's not worth it if it's not difficult. And loving something don't come to you just like that, who am I to be so privileged? Anything I want, I have to work for it, if not, it is not worth wanting. Branded stuff? Shopping?? pfft...out of mind and out of the window, whatever that can be bought with money will arrive when money start to arrive. And I totally need to get into the game to grab all that money.

Have to adjust this laid-back attitude of mine, how can I get myself out there if I am always falling back into my crib, into the harmless embrace of home? I need to get myself out there, scarred, wounded and learned. If not, what's the point of living?

Been listening to the song "If I die young", it is not as depressing as the title suggests, but then again, sometimes it is. "I've had just enough time". No I don't, I have so much time, that I could afford to waste them. Isn't it ridiculous in all senses? I even made a wallpaper out of a quote "waste time and all you are wasting is yourself". Bloody hell, that is bloody smack on the face. But I think I need harsh words and harsh actions, because in my whole life, everything is wrapped around softly and lovingly, I have no anger nor drive in me to do anything great.

while I know that I can do great things, I totally can, I just need to get myself out there.