affected

it has been a very long time since I felt like this for someone. I am grateful to have met and known this person, and somewhat fallen for him, not just for his good looks but most importantly his attitude. since long ago, I have this grudge against the people that I like and I tend to treat them with an attitude somewhat fluttering between mean and nice. Its like I don't want to lose control over myself while I am liking almost everything about this person and I don't know whether he ever gave a flying fuck about me. I sometimes want to know how important I am to others even if I act like I don't care. So, I feel affected and at times wronged when I don't get instant replies or I don't sense that equality in terms of wanting to continue the conversation. Sometimes I over-think myself into emotional abyss and start hating the other person for not being able to satisfy my egocentric needs. Till now I still find myself too self-indulgent for my own good and I got to get pass that if I want to have something more with this person. I guess I should be way pass the age of shyness and I really got to earn it this time. I always give up too easily, and this time I'm not going to, even if I have to dao zhui, at least I made sure he is worth it. Hence, small teeny pitfalls will not deter me and I will not read too much into stuff and not give up upon every little obstruction. and hence i unlock and unleash HARDWORKING and PERSISTENT ZHOU into action, and may my engine never stop before I achieve my goal! WOOSH and GO ME!