Soul searching

Been doing some soul searching recently, coz apparently there are lots of things on my mind. Firstly, never complain before asking yourself whether you have made any contributions yet. This is in direct response to SUAD preparation and the mass of feelings surrounding it. I'm doing 3 items, BFS, Zhiwen's and Ahmad's. And in each item there are the stratas of Dam good, good and average dancers (it is somewhat good to know that there are no lousy dancers so at the very least I'm not lousy). I think it is easy to tell how much effort and thought that each dancer put into the performance by just looking at the dance itself. And very obviously I am not putting in enough effort to render me a good spot. Same goes to not making the cut for oschool recital. I don't spend 8 hours a day training up my stamina, working on my basics, practicing my choreography, it is gratifying enough that I get to dance on the same stage as some really awesome dancers like Thomas, Glenn and people like them. It then boils down to how much I want this experience and how good I want this experience to be. I like an easy chillax life but I also want to be in the spotlight at times, at concerts that I spend months attending practices for, I don't want to just be cleaning the curtains every single dance. Although nobody spells it out for you, but your blocking clearly reflects how important you are to the item, although by no order of merit. This feeling of not being good enough is everywhere, be it in school, in dance or in the pursuit of others. I am always half-hearted...always not pushing myself more to gain more...afraid of failure. And I still could talk about philosophy of dreams and happiness and life indignantly as if I am doing everything that I think should be done. Double standards much. I don't ever want to be a loser, I am quiet but I don't want to be hidden anymore. I don't want to be envious of other people anymore.