Rejected

It's time all these stopped. The part of me stopping myself should stop. It's time to pour in 110% to live fully. And rejection KMA, I don't feel you anymore, so you don't matter.

OOOH

Just realized I forgot to post this:



MY BABY!!!!
After finishing with it, I basically never touched it anymore, kinda felt really tired seeing it day after day for about a month. Gosh I took long to make this, I really need to be more efficient.

Oh dam

Identity crisis??

How I envy people like , , and . like the petite feminine sort of people, who kind of gets whatever they want? and i don't know, i over generalize, lead a pretty PRETTY life.

yea i get it, thanks for all the encouragement people, I have improved by leaps and bounds...but still...its peanuts compared to them people. And nobody gives a shit about me when I'm around them, I am sure, even though I am not around them, but I presume. Not that I want to be the centre of attention, actually I hate to be, I'd rather not be noticed most of the time, due to unconscious urge to blend-in...but I have come to learn that good looks make life easier, and hence, I am at a crossroad and having a slight identity crisis. what should i pursue now???? life of glamour, life that I envied endlessly? or the life that I lead, the comfortable, shit-i'm-too-lazy-to-dress-so-i-wear-my-pyjamas life? I like the latter, but the latter does not bring me exciting opportunities...sad to say...

but, the big-eyes, pout and squeeze boobs is really not my thing...i cringe at the thought of me doing it...

damn I should be a guy...guys really have it soooo much easier...

musings aside, CITY HUNTER is super nice! and the GUY, whatever his name is, is SOOO MY TYPE WAKAKAKA, many people's type Ithink, but WOAAAHHH, i drool...hahaha

And on a side note, I met this crazy old man in the novena underpass today, who used all words from the vulgar dictionary on me, and called me a bitch unfitting to be a lady. SHIT UR FACE man, I am so big hearted I did not reply any vulgarities but only told him to shuddup. WTH, scold me also must pay money one lor. I want to punch his face into the ground so badly but I humji coz I can't fight. Which leads me to my next endeavor, I shall learn some basic martial arts, to be prepared, just in case I meet such kiampa people, I dun have to hold back.

Dead fish syndrome

Dear blog,
I have neglected you for long, for I was enjoying my holidays doing work that I like very much. The reason for blogging at this time, while I am supposed to be at work, which I am, but I need to pen down these thoughts just in case this happens again, I have reference.

I am, I announce, experiencing DEAD FISH SYNDROME. I period of having no excitement, no dread, no passion, no dread, just deadfishfloatingkindofstuff. I don't know why this syndrom, but it just hit me and I am suffering badly.

It's different from having bad thoughts, bad feelings. It's like having no thoughts, no feelings, and it's so frightening!

I need to constantly source for excitement to keep myself away from this feeling, but being a boring shitty person like myself, I fail to sustain the enthusiasm, and fall back into the continuum of "floating along".

I want to achieve, at least accomplish something at the end of this internship, but at the rate I'm going, I am not so hopeful.

I don't know whether I am giving myself too high expectations and not delivering it, or just am I too chui, and not cut out for this line of work. I really don't know.

But I am glad that I had this experience and I wish I had made some contributions to the community here, because they really do inspire me alot. seeing them I want to be even more awesome. I really do.

I guess this dead fish syndrom is first step after being so awe-inspired, the self-reproaching stage and beating-myself-up-over-incapabilities...damn, i should stop feeling so self-important! damn.

feel like nu hou-ing again.

okay, back to work, i am going to finish building today's page!

Oh man, I'm feeling shitty after dance again, and I'm dreading work tomorrow.

I'M SO SO SO JEALOUS OF ALEX'S GIRLFRIEND! HMFFFFFFF!!! But can't do anything. Today Alex demo spotting, and he SPOT TMD ME, just blush and paiseh on the spot, grrrr

Mental note to keep stretching everyday and up my stamina and strength level coz really I am too nua, "like this how to audition?" wow thn u just run off halfway go holiday thn leave us to train by ourselves, I feel kinda betrayed :( but ew what can i do?? i'm gonna get better and better and better, until I am not scared anymore.

Yesterday was awesome tho, wack dance classes from 1130 all the way till 730, was not shagged, still can chiong to bugis to eat steamboat. but today is the nua, mostly coz of upset stomache and slight cramps and uurgh ill-treatment at dance.

cannot take it!! Alex is too awesome! i am friggin jealous :(:(:(

rarrr

this is frustrating

It is the recurring time of my life that I am feeling again NOT GOOD ENOUGH, for work, for dance, and for attaining inner satisfaction. I guess this is good because I want to be better now. and I did not realize that Alex has given me a platform to BE BETTER, until he scolded us, i think me especially, today. man, it still feels horrible, because I had taken for granted that he chose us, and that would mean we are good enough for his choreo, but no. he chose us because he thinks we can do it, but we must show him that we want it, I want it! I want to become a better dancer! Really. Dancing makes me feel more than I am, it takes me into realms of emotions that I in reality will not experience. I do want to do it, I really do. Despite all the setbacks, I cannot do a freaking damn turn without losing focus and falling apart. I cannot let go enough because I just can't. I quote myself "When in doubt, just whack" I must not lose faith in myself, and I must firmly believe that if I do it enough times, I will get it! When I first started dancing, I had no idea that I was entering a journey of hardship, endurance and discipline. Now I know, I am scared, but I am anything but a quitter. Come what may, I will emerge only stronger.

I refuse to go to work today because I am going to die flat and public infront of like 50 odd people of embarrassment actually. my slides are far from done omg, i am going to kill myself seriously i dun wanna go i dun wanna go i dun wanna go!

One way to measure maturity could be watching "Game of thrones" and not flinch at all. Yup I am mature alright.
"Game of thrones", till now I wonder why the appearance of the white monsters in the first episode, but other than that the story is getting better. Lots of fucking (fuoking as they pronounce it), blood, gore and violence, really lots of it. It is the story of an epic kingdom fueled by love and hate that intertwines among seven families. oh and not to mention, incest, one of the anchors of the story, prince of the kingdom is the son of the queen and her brother, wtf. Just luan qi ba zao the relationships. Anyway, yar, there are lots and lots of blood and violence, and just the last episode, one annoying character just died with molten gold on his head. which is quite funny coz he was threatening his tribal queen sister about getting his traded army from her tribal husband, he want his crown and blah blah blah. he is really super irritating and always talking about being a king and getting his kingdom back, and being super cruel to his sister. and fittingly he was killed by his own lack of lovable qualities I think.
I find these medieval serials very attractive suddenly and I'm venturing into genres that I used to avoid, like violence and horror. Now I think it is equally difficult ot make a good horror movie as a good comedy movie, to avoid getting cheesy and all. Did I mention I watched "THE Exorcist" all by myself, because my Dad decide to pangseh me 5min into the show, I bet he was secretly scared, but haha.

okay. last night was dumb. i swear i will not club again.

let's just say my course is not the wrong course, but there are more righter courses which were not available at the time of decision 2 years ago. Now what choices do I have??

I lost 2 things and I really don't feel anything

First thing I lost: a friend. not a friend anymore though.
How to lose a friend?
Stop caring.
Why lose a friend?
Too much disappointment and too many promises broken.
How did it feel?
Nothing.

The first person I have decided to 绝交. Peacefully, and one-sidedly. Shall make it a point to be the last.

Second thing I lost: my speakers.
Oh man, second time I lose something on the cab. Forgot to bring it down after I heaved out my huge suitcase. Lost count of the number of luggages I have. was just too tired to be alert I guess. Freaking spent after dance class today, freaking full-out*one hundred million times. Alex is sadistic. Gonna miss taking his classes after the course ends. Oh well, onward to pole-dancing!! weee

Yes shifted back to my lovely room. its damn cozy and nice now, and wonderful aircon I love you to bits. Haaaa...so awesome to have this break to nua and do my own thing at home. And jobs will come later. looking forward to a week of relaxation.

i am sometimes quite insensitive :(

thoughts

just some random thoughts that i want to jot down:

who am I kidding when I tell people I don't need a relationship. Yes actually I don't need a relationship, but I need love. and I figure it's about time that I go out and find it. It's not sufficient a reason anymore, that I don't have because I didn't go out to find. It is precisely why you don't have, because you didn't bother to find. And now the focus is, why didn't you find? Because I thought I didn't need one, but now I reckon I do need, and so I will remind myself timely that I should, and proactively so, find.

which brings me to my second thought, I will find someone with equal or higher intellectual levels, because it'd be boring with someone not. and by intellectual levels, it does not refer to only academic, but the wholesome intelligence collected over 20+ years of living and experiencing. Read, wholesome. Not that I judge my parents, but the knowledge gap is big, and it is unfortunate for the higher level because it's always colder and lonelier for the one on top. and not so lonely for the one lower because there's abundance and ignorance. Really, I'm not judging, but I will not repeat it in my relationship.

And I lament again at why people would rather live and skirt around when there's an obvious big fat elephant in the room. I hate such situations. if I can and not come across as rude, I will point it out and say "shit u, there's a big fat elephant, why don't we get it out and carry on with our lives", won't that feel a lot easier and how will being the first to point it out be related to your pride in anyway???? I don't get it. well I do, but I think everybody should just live life with more honesty and seriously have straighter innards.

which brings me to the topic of promise and commitments. seriously, I quote from some movie I've watched "words fall from our mouths and die at our feet". Not to mention that we talk a lot of really useless shit (there are good shit), we promise and take our promises toooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO very lightly that one shouldn't even call it a promise anymore! And especially when the promise is monetarily or emotionally attached, because these are the two things people are jumpy and serious about. If you can't meet that promise, don't make it! If you made a promise, keep it! It's commitment made to someone, and it only goes to show that the someone don't matter a shit if your promise don't matter a shit. Refering to ongoing situation, if I ever gonna be a tenant at someone's house, I will hand in my rent on the dot, best that I can. I will prepare the rent days ago, put it in an envelope and give it to my landlord the first chance I can. If I am in a difficult situation, I will take my initiative to tell my landlord that I am tight, and I will give it in with details of date and time that I know that I will be able to fulfill. Ever heard the story of the kid who cried wolf? You only have 3 chances before your credibility is gone. It's either your credibility doesn't matter to you or the person doesn't matter to you.

and brings me to punctuality. I am cutting this bad habit of being late. and I hope my friends whom I go out with will cut it too. because time is important, I could have spent that time waiting for you doing something else, and of course vice versa. I will wait and be understanding if you were held up for countable good reason, I will take it personal, I will take it that I don't mean a shit to you, if you just did not bother to turn up because you overslept, you couldn't get your ass to move, you were LAZY! omg I hate that as an excuse. not saying that I am perfectly punctual all the time, in fact I was late for many times for many things, and I feel super guilty coz it's like having double standards. I will kick it. I very very will.

not forgetting to mention feedly, this awesome chrome extension. I love it to bits! I could read all my favourite feeds all at one place. and tumblr, god i love tumblr. yup off to reading interactive computer graphics! i only have 6 more days to exam.

PS:
forgot to add, the reason why I wanted to blog today. Watched "Maid in Manhattan" for the probably 4th time, because it was showing on HBO, god I love that channel. It's an inspiring movie! the point of the movie makes me understand that one shouldn't be judged by the work he/she does, referring to the less desirable jobs. Because it only happens to certain people to be lucky enough to actually end up doing something he/she wanted. Most people don't have a choice. Because reality is never a choice. And when I graduate, I would have to be able to put food on the table, to pay my bills, to buy myself all the stuff that I wanted. Because one should be accountable for oneself. And although being a maid is by some social standards not a proud career choice, it does not give anyone the slightest reason to judge their character based on their jobs, and neither give anyone the excuse to neglect basic manners and respect.

Secondly, the movie strengthened my belief that it definitely pays to stay real and not a phony. It really is a lot easier and phonies are irksome.

thirdly, being REALLY good (not in comparative sense, but absolute sense) at what you do, is only the quickest way to get you somewhere.

and that movie made my day. yay

OLLO

I haven't written a post in a long time (the previous post doesn't count). And here I feel that I have something I need to pen down or type out, after watching this:



I mean, haven't this become a cliche? that we talk so much about it, about seizing the moment, about being the best you can while you are at it. And whenever I hear about it, think about it, I ask whether I am doing it? I answer no. Why is it so difficult to pick up and just do something that you know you want to do it? Why bother doing things that don't matter? why think that that someone will always be there? I don't know, this way of life is too embedded and too difficult to change. I wish I had taken up alot more things just so fail at it, really. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, at least I have tried, and even though I fail at it once, twice, I still do enjoy it, don't I? I have no regrets getting lousy CAP since year 1 sem 1, coz now I can tell you how it feels to have an impetus, and having a lousy CAP is by no means any sin, and by no means any measure of my character (it only says I wasn't into studying in year 1). oh god, but what about that amazing person I want to be???? When do I begin being that person?? When do I start being me?? I find myself amazing, at times, but only at times. I do think I am rather selfish and narcissistic possibly, and maybe too anal and judgmental most of the time. I realize this is a jumpy post, as if I am talking to myself, which I did about 2 hrs ago coz i was bored from studying HUman Resource Management, I began talking to myself, and I rather liked talking to myself except I always derail and end up talking about something totally irrelevant. I rather be the listener when talking to other people, this doesn't mean I have nothing to share, I just want to know more about other people than I want them to know about me, but if they wanna know more about me, I guess I will disclose with no inhibitions and that probably will be a little bit scary and awkward coz i just say whatever comes to mind, and don't remind me how i was telling this cute junior about my urine test, i was appalled by myself. anyway, back to mugging.

Fake shit

I abhore hall. All the glamour, fun and bullshit family away from home, is at the end, just bullshit. I want my peace and quite and maybe just one soulmate, i dunnid so many fake shit so-called friends, I'm sorry I am irritated, but yes I dun want the fake shit people who circulate around like flies hovering around shit. it is tiring and it drains the shit out of me, and I fucking don't like it.

a feeling that is neither here nor there

I feel tons of things and nothing at the same time. Life throws me weird things and weird situations. I'm torn between the facade of hall life and reality of real family and real friends and a real life. I don't know, sometimes things are just there within my reach, I know I could grasp it if I just reached out, but I am timid, I am shy, I choose to stay in my shell and wait for it to take me by force and sweep me off my feet. I'm sorry I may appear aloof, cock up, whatever...

anw second command in hall, i cry because i hate departures, and i hate the aftermath of crying. renying not staying already, one less real friend in hall, already missing all the late night runs and suppers with her. :( sad that benedict is gone too. just like how gerald sim is gone and he didn't come back. :(

back to webcasts i guess, only real thing that I have in my hands now are them, homework and knowledge...let the fleeting come to me...and my eyes cannot open anymore...

I swear this is the worst

this is the worst feeling ever, I am slowly giving up my integrity and pride in change for academic marks, and I am afraid that I'd get caught. I feel like just throwing it all away and depend on me myself and code it out using my own knowledge, skills and whatsoever. Been asking myself, whether this is what I really want? and each time I answered yes, so why do I no thrive in it? Because of laziness? too much pride to handle failure? I am all torn up because this really is what i want to do, and now I am afraid of it...I keep telling myself "prize to the person who don't give up", guess I just did when I decided I will rely on someone else's code just to get myself through this assignment. I have no morals, I have no self, I have no face to tell myself that I am proud of who i am. yet, I really find no drive to push myself through this by myself anymore....someone save me....

dance is my escape, i wanna dance till all this, goes away.......

aha

i run away and hide :D
looking forward to hols.
earn money and learn things.
awesome possumzzz

i dont wanna fall into the same situation again

zwy stay strong. don't cry, don't be sad, be focused, and concentrate on fulfilling yourself. mark clear your goals and don't be distracted. if it's meant to be, it will be. go go jiayou!

outlet

one should be grateful to have outlets for emotions. i am grateful i have people who listens to my shit, and tries to clear the shit for me; i am grateful for inanimate objects that will put up with whatever shit i have, even though i seldom go down this route. NO this is not an emo post, i was merely pissed off earlier. guess i should be thankful that at least they brought it upfront, not behind my back, i absolutely hate that and cannot stand it. If only everybody is more frank and more open about their own opinions, i think the world might be a little bit better. imagine voicing out ur disagreements when u really do disagree with something, straightforward like a fucking straightline right, makes things so much simpler for everybody. even if facing strong opposing forces, u try to disagree as strongly, even if in the end you don't get your way, at least the other party knows that u disagree, and with some conscience and understanding, they can do some compromise to accommodate, at least they have the option. if you don't voice out at all, and choose to suffer in silence thinking how self-sacrificing you are, you are messing up all the straightlines, and making it more complicated than it should be, which is dumb. i sometimes feel some people nowadays really take their own promises too lightly, and credit really dun mean a shit anymore. i miss the time when people really honour their words, the best horse cannot chase back a gentleman's promise. seriously the honorable human qualities are disappearing. once again, i am not emo, i am not unhappy, i am just lamenting how warped the world is. not saying that im right all the time, or this time round, but even a bit of "hey i got ur back" kind of thing would have been great, where's our sense of community if we even have one to begin with.