Emo post 2

Gosh this is so annoying!And I am so sure he is purposely ignoring me this time. Fine bring it on! I said I'm not gonna give up, I'm gonna bug u till u go crazy!

affected

it has been a very long time since I felt like this for someone. I am grateful to have met and known this person, and somewhat fallen for him, not just for his good looks but most importantly his attitude. since long ago, I have this grudge against the people that I like and I tend to treat them with an attitude somewhat fluttering between mean and nice. Its like I don't want to lose control over myself while I am liking almost everything about this person and I don't know whether he ever gave a flying fuck about me. I sometimes want to know how important I am to others even if I act like I don't care. So, I feel affected and at times wronged when I don't get instant replies or I don't sense that equality in terms of wanting to continue the conversation. Sometimes I over-think myself into emotional abyss and start hating the other person for not being able to satisfy my egocentric needs. Till now I still find myself too self-indulgent for my own good and I got to get pass that if I want to have something more with this person. I guess I should be way pass the age of shyness and I really got to earn it this time. I always give up too easily, and this time I'm not going to, even if I have to dao zhui, at least I made sure he is worth it. Hence, small teeny pitfalls will not deter me and I will not read too much into stuff and not give up upon every little obstruction. and hence i unlock and unleash HARDWORKING and PERSISTENT ZHOU into action, and may my engine never stop before I achieve my goal! WOOSH and GO ME!

Soul searching

Been doing some soul searching recently, coz apparently there are lots of things on my mind. Firstly, never complain before asking yourself whether you have made any contributions yet. This is in direct response to SUAD preparation and the mass of feelings surrounding it. I'm doing 3 items, BFS, Zhiwen's and Ahmad's. And in each item there are the stratas of Dam good, good and average dancers (it is somewhat good to know that there are no lousy dancers so at the very least I'm not lousy). I think it is easy to tell how much effort and thought that each dancer put into the performance by just looking at the dance itself. And very obviously I am not putting in enough effort to render me a good spot. Same goes to not making the cut for oschool recital. I don't spend 8 hours a day training up my stamina, working on my basics, practicing my choreography, it is gratifying enough that I get to dance on the same stage as some really awesome dancers like Thomas, Glenn and people like them. It then boils down to how much I want this experience and how good I want this experience to be. I like an easy chillax life but I also want to be in the spotlight at times, at concerts that I spend months attending practices for, I don't want to just be cleaning the curtains every single dance. Although nobody spells it out for you, but your blocking clearly reflects how important you are to the item, although by no order of merit. This feeling of not being good enough is everywhere, be it in school, in dance or in the pursuit of others. I am always half-hearted...always not pushing myself more to gain more...afraid of failure. And I still could talk about philosophy of dreams and happiness and life indignantly as if I am doing everything that I think should be done. Double standards much. I don't ever want to be a loser, I am quiet but I don't want to be hidden anymore. I don't want to be envious of other people anymore.

Just some complaints

Wow so long away from blogging I didn't even know about the change of layout here. Quite a clean and minimalistic one I'd say, not a fan of orange but it will do. Reminds me of the google layout a bit, that explains, isn't blogger somewhat google's? I'm not sure. Anyway, felt like blogging suddenly. I didn't blog about supposedly blog-worthy events such as YEP, exams, DU, beerfest and what not. Guess my brain just don't work in that way that I want to document every mentionable thing anymore. Kind of always work by the gut feeling when I feel like it it will happen. So here I am wanting to blog. Just this little thing that happened at dinner just now that annoys me to no end. This dude, BIG dude, offended me by being rude to my Dad. Well, my Dad being the soft big teddy bear he is, took no notice obviously, maybe that is his way of driving offenders crazy. But while I watched on the sideline, I wished I have sharp teeth which I can sink into the guy's neck and tear out his bloody neck as beastly as I could imagine. I admit, I have morbid thoughts and derive morbid pleasures out of blood and gore, well at least "well-made" ones. Then I went up and gave the guy the meanest and most provocative look I can get away with and there it gave me pleasure to see him fucking pissed. Maybe deep down I am a sucker for drama. Maybe deep down I should live in the woods not in this pretentious thing called civilisation. It just occurred to me that this man, way older than I am is pissed off by my obvious provocation, and till the end of the dinner he continues glaring at my Dad, if I had seen it, I would shove a finger in his face but I totally forgot about him over dinner until Dad told me. Not that I approve of my Dad's way of silent ignore, but I would feel inwardly annoyed much if I were that guy coz apparently my provocations are not being registered. But to me, a third party who secretly wishes for more drama, its not so nice, because there is no sense of moral civility towards people both way senior or way junior than you. That is something I was taught to respect my whole life, and it's super weird to see that nobody here knows about it. Don't these people go through moral education as well, despite thinking that the lessons are bullshit, but the teachings well, stuff that you would wish you could teach your kids, are good values to pass on, no? Like respecting your elders, being civil with small kids, or juniors. There is social expectations to adhere to in relation with people around you. And obviously this man decides to bear a grudge with me who is significantly his junior. It's like getting angry at a kid who just wants to piss you off. And there I realize how screwed up this society is. No offense really. But a society that requires the law to do the work of morality is pretty screwed up in my opinion. Not to say the conflicting views of the west and the east, the confused perception of themselves the people have here. I still have a problem with their twisted pride in not being able to speak and understand their own mother-tongue, I honestly despise it. This I have gone through so many times, trying to get over it but I can't. It's an outright refusal to accept your roots, no? Trying to deny your ancestry and inching closer to something seemingly "cool" but in no way part of your identification. And this is why I never really liked this society at all. To be continued...

Impresario 2012

Here's the end of this journey. It has been painful, and it was painful to know that it stops right here, it was painful to know that we could have the potential to go on, only just that everyone probably did not want it wholeheartedly anymore. It started out as a bid to challenge ourselves, to gain the good experience, it is still a great experience i will not deny it, i only feel disappointed as it did not end on a high and united note. well, life can't always be sweet, i learnt that. this journey really tested my sincerity for dance , and I am actually glad that this fall has spurred the passion to go on. Probably not wanting something bad enough is the reason why I do not win competitions, or matches, I always have fallback, and I always am very chillax about competition in general, kind of never really fought for something I really wanted, not because I don't fight, but because I don't want something so bad that I'd fight for it. It recurs in my life, and I'm not sure whether I want to change it or keep it. I should never force myself to be someone else, but I should always strive to improve...

seriously what's the point of staying here anymore. there. im not gonna stay in hall next sem.

誓

这世上我最爱的人是我的父母亲。我再也不做让他们担心伤心的事了，我发誓。

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

RANTS

打了两通电话，没人接，他们应该是放假。还有我比较中意你们发简讯给我，起床吃饭这种事不觉得太琐碎了吗，不用每通电话都问这些吧，不是说不让你们管我说我，但是不要做得那么烦闷好不好。一家人在一起的时候就各做各的，分开了就追命连环打电话，不难受啊，而且打来也只问些有的没的，换了是你们能不烦吗。以上是我的感觉，如果你们觉得我的感觉可以忽略不计那就不要理我，继续没趣下去吧。不要打电话给我！

is what I wanted to tell my parents after being rudely woken up by their phone calls. I am bloody sick and I want to have a couple more hours of sleep and I have to answer their irritatingly repetitive questioning about why I have to sleep so long!!! it's so frustrating that I cried out of frustration, it's like there's nothing I could do to get out of such emotional torture, if I argue I am 不孝, that's the equation they put on me, hello, no democracy and freedom of speech???

nuf said, I didn't send the sms eventually, considering they would feel
hurt and take it the wrong way and try harder to interact with me and call me
more, I shall bring this up when it's less damaging.

fucking hate to be sick.

and @stepf if u read this, don't question me cuz I hate it when ppl question my feelings.

the bkk trip was one of the worst trip I've ever had, I don't blame you, but that doesn't change the fact that I was very disappointed and felt let down many times. (I may regret saying this) but while you were out watching pingpong show I was crying my eyes out in the hotel room. I cry because even though I understand the situation I can't help feeling like shit. I cry because I never wanted to share the attention that I get, I never wanted only 50% of your attention (don't get all
defensive here, I know u tried).

lesson learned: never ever try to dump yourself in a situation that you have no control over. I should stop being so stupid and trust that everything will turn out just fine, because it doesn't work that way.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

chill pill

i guess this whole thing isn't really that important to me, and now that it feels kinda shitty is coz i expected ppl to be wowed by my creation but actually half-hearted work can never win any appraisals. I just feels kinda weird coz how did i come to think that that kind of effort can be put out and why was i so demoralized that i cannot make it any better?

ok i shall chill.

and start thinking about choreos for impresario.

and was glad that dismas praised me, happy. guess hard work pays off.

must work harder!

Rejected

It's time all these stopped. The part of me stopping myself should stop. It's time to pour in 110% to live fully. And rejection KMA, I don't feel you anymore, so you don't matter.

OOOH

Just realized I forgot to post this:



MY BABY!!!!
After finishing with it, I basically never touched it anymore, kinda felt really tired seeing it day after day for about a month. Gosh I took long to make this, I really need to be more efficient.

Oh dam

Identity crisis??

How I envy people like , , and . like the petite feminine sort of people, who kind of gets whatever they want? and i don't know, i over generalize, lead a pretty PRETTY life.

yea i get it, thanks for all the encouragement people, I have improved by leaps and bounds...but still...its peanuts compared to them people. And nobody gives a shit about me when I'm around them, I am sure, even though I am not around them, but I presume. Not that I want to be the centre of attention, actually I hate to be, I'd rather not be noticed most of the time, due to unconscious urge to blend-in...but I have come to learn that good looks make life easier, and hence, I am at a crossroad and having a slight identity crisis. what should i pursue now???? life of glamour, life that I envied endlessly? or the life that I lead, the comfortable, shit-i'm-too-lazy-to-dress-so-i-wear-my-pyjamas life? I like the latter, but the latter does not bring me exciting opportunities...sad to say...

but, the big-eyes, pout and squeeze boobs is really not my thing...i cringe at the thought of me doing it...

damn I should be a guy...guys really have it soooo much easier...

musings aside, CITY HUNTER is super nice! and the GUY, whatever his name is, is SOOO MY TYPE WAKAKAKA, many people's type Ithink, but WOAAAHHH, i drool...hahaha

And on a side note, I met this crazy old man in the novena underpass today, who used all words from the vulgar dictionary on me, and called me a bitch unfitting to be a lady. SHIT UR FACE man, I am so big hearted I did not reply any vulgarities but only told him to shuddup. WTH, scold me also must pay money one lor. I want to punch his face into the ground so badly but I humji coz I can't fight. Which leads me to my next endeavor, I shall learn some basic martial arts, to be prepared, just in case I meet such kiampa people, I dun have to hold back.

Dead fish syndrome

Dear blog,
I have neglected you for long, for I was enjoying my holidays doing work that I like very much. The reason for blogging at this time, while I am supposed to be at work, which I am, but I need to pen down these thoughts just in case this happens again, I have reference.

I am, I announce, experiencing DEAD FISH SYNDROME. I period of having no excitement, no dread, no passion, no dread, just deadfishfloatingkindofstuff. I don't know why this syndrom, but it just hit me and I am suffering badly.

It's different from having bad thoughts, bad feelings. It's like having no thoughts, no feelings, and it's so frightening!

I need to constantly source for excitement to keep myself away from this feeling, but being a boring shitty person like myself, I fail to sustain the enthusiasm, and fall back into the continuum of "floating along".

I want to achieve, at least accomplish something at the end of this internship, but at the rate I'm going, I am not so hopeful.

I don't know whether I am giving myself too high expectations and not delivering it, or just am I too chui, and not cut out for this line of work. I really don't know.

But I am glad that I had this experience and I wish I had made some contributions to the community here, because they really do inspire me alot. seeing them I want to be even more awesome. I really do.

I guess this dead fish syndrom is first step after being so awe-inspired, the self-reproaching stage and beating-myself-up-over-incapabilities...damn, i should stop feeling so self-important! damn.

feel like nu hou-ing again.

okay, back to work, i am going to finish building today's page!

Oh man, I'm feeling shitty after dance again, and I'm dreading work tomorrow.

I'M SO SO SO JEALOUS OF ALEX'S GIRLFRIEND! HMFFFFFFF!!! But can't do anything. Today Alex demo spotting, and he SPOT TMD ME, just blush and paiseh on the spot, grrrr

Mental note to keep stretching everyday and up my stamina and strength level coz really I am too nua, "like this how to audition?" wow thn u just run off halfway go holiday thn leave us to train by ourselves, I feel kinda betrayed :( but ew what can i do?? i'm gonna get better and better and better, until I am not scared anymore.

Yesterday was awesome tho, wack dance classes from 1130 all the way till 730, was not shagged, still can chiong to bugis to eat steamboat. but today is the nua, mostly coz of upset stomache and slight cramps and uurgh ill-treatment at dance.

cannot take it!! Alex is too awesome! i am friggin jealous :(:(:(

rarrr

this is frustrating

It is the recurring time of my life that I am feeling again NOT GOOD ENOUGH, for work, for dance, and for attaining inner satisfaction. I guess this is good because I want to be better now. and I did not realize that Alex has given me a platform to BE BETTER, until he scolded us, i think me especially, today. man, it still feels horrible, because I had taken for granted that he chose us, and that would mean we are good enough for his choreo, but no. he chose us because he thinks we can do it, but we must show him that we want it, I want it! I want to become a better dancer! Really. Dancing makes me feel more than I am, it takes me into realms of emotions that I in reality will not experience. I do want to do it, I really do. Despite all the setbacks, I cannot do a freaking damn turn without losing focus and falling apart. I cannot let go enough because I just can't. I quote myself "When in doubt, just whack" I must not lose faith in myself, and I must firmly believe that if I do it enough times, I will get it! When I first started dancing, I had no idea that I was entering a journey of hardship, endurance and discipline. Now I know, I am scared, but I am anything but a quitter. Come what may, I will emerge only stronger.

I refuse to go to work today because I am going to die flat and public infront of like 50 odd people of embarrassment actually. my slides are far from done omg, i am going to kill myself seriously i dun wanna go i dun wanna go i dun wanna go!

One way to measure maturity could be watching "Game of thrones" and not flinch at all. Yup I am mature alright.
"Game of thrones", till now I wonder why the appearance of the white monsters in the first episode, but other than that the story is getting better. Lots of fucking (fuoking as they pronounce it), blood, gore and violence, really lots of it. It is the story of an epic kingdom fueled by love and hate that intertwines among seven families. oh and not to mention, incest, one of the anchors of the story, prince of the kingdom is the son of the queen and her brother, wtf. Just luan qi ba zao the relationships. Anyway, yar, there are lots and lots of blood and violence, and just the last episode, one annoying character just died with molten gold on his head. which is quite funny coz he was threatening his tribal queen sister about getting his traded army from her tribal husband, he want his crown and blah blah blah. he is really super irritating and always talking about being a king and getting his kingdom back, and being super cruel to his sister. and fittingly he was killed by his own lack of lovable qualities I think.
I find these medieval serials very attractive suddenly and I'm venturing into genres that I used to avoid, like violence and horror. Now I think it is equally difficult ot make a good horror movie as a good comedy movie, to avoid getting cheesy and all. Did I mention I watched "THE Exorcist" all by myself, because my Dad decide to pangseh me 5min into the show, I bet he was secretly scared, but haha.

okay. last night was dumb. i swear i will not club again.

let's just say my course is not the wrong course, but there are more righter courses which were not available at the time of decision 2 years ago. Now what choices do I have??

I lost 2 things and I really don't feel anything

First thing I lost: a friend. not a friend anymore though.
How to lose a friend?
Stop caring.
Why lose a friend?
Too much disappointment and too many promises broken.
How did it feel?
Nothing.

The first person I have decided to 绝交. Peacefully, and one-sidedly. Shall make it a point to be the last.

Second thing I lost: my speakers.
Oh man, second time I lose something on the cab. Forgot to bring it down after I heaved out my huge suitcase. Lost count of the number of luggages I have. was just too tired to be alert I guess. Freaking spent after dance class today, freaking full-out*one hundred million times. Alex is sadistic. Gonna miss taking his classes after the course ends. Oh well, onward to pole-dancing!! weee

Yes shifted back to my lovely room. its damn cozy and nice now, and wonderful aircon I love you to bits. Haaaa...so awesome to have this break to nua and do my own thing at home. And jobs will come later. looking forward to a week of relaxation.