Monday, January 17, 2011
My Sweet Transvestite
Went to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Yijun just now. I feel surreal now, like can't remember whether I really did watch it. Probably cause my second best seats were in the second level, the stage was far away. Should totally get first level front seats so can interact with the characters, it was damn funny. Oh well, no complains, it was a good musical, anyway, and I had a great time. The cast really look like nothing down-stage, like normal, and the main tranny was a huge muscular man, just cannot make the link. will watch it again when chance comes. apparently people watch it over and over again, and do things like flashing their torchlights during the song (something about lights), and people throw toilet paper up onto the stage, just that it wasn't like everybody doing it, only a couple, would have been awesome if I could throw something too, but I was too far. great show great show
Saturday, January 15, 2011
MIDRIFT
i am going to die of embarrassment because I have to bare my pale fat stomach to the whole world for DP, with fluttering thighs thrown in along. god help me, gimme amazing abs in 2 months, and resilience against attacks of the taiwan.
going to taiwan in counting just 5 days! omg, i am numbed with excitement. I feel like one million things, i feel like a bottle of half-drunk yoghurt smoothie. aha. bet u cant understand that. my intellectual exceeds u beyond longing reach.
back home aft one week of hall, ha, the recharge centre, except for constant drum of pessimistic grandmother talk, i love home. cant imagine if i cant get NOC next yr and not staying in hall no more, my life will be devoted to the singapore transport system. no f u, no.
im sorry this is an aimless post, because my brain is in a hunger spree, from starving myself, no lunch but yoghurt smoothies. fml. well in exchange for the meat sale, i get to keep the sponsored chio white LOJEL luggage. im easily bought i realized.
going to taiwan in counting just 5 days! omg, i am numbed with excitement. I feel like one million things, i feel like a bottle of half-drunk yoghurt smoothie. aha. bet u cant understand that. my intellectual exceeds u beyond longing reach.
back home aft one week of hall, ha, the recharge centre, except for constant drum of pessimistic grandmother talk, i love home. cant imagine if i cant get NOC next yr and not staying in hall no more, my life will be devoted to the singapore transport system. no f u, no.
im sorry this is an aimless post, because my brain is in a hunger spree, from starving myself, no lunch but yoghurt smoothies. fml. well in exchange for the meat sale, i get to keep the sponsored chio white LOJEL luggage. im easily bought i realized.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
i look like a retard while dancing
I am obsessed with the dance prac videos, I review them like a hundred million times and I ridicule myself each and everytime. ok, sometimes I smug a little when I did smth when I thought I couldn't do. BUT, largely, most of the time, I look retarded, mother shit, I am pissed with myself. I neeeed to lose weight, wtf, fat shit, I look like double everybody else's size, and I move SLOWWWWW, omg, feel like slapping myself into shape and slapping myself into quick movements. Rarr, pissed with myself.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
1/1/2011
ahh how nice, the first day of 2011. I totally don't feel anything different. Fireworks last night was awesome, love fireworks, so visually stunning. I am a visual person btw. and JESS, we survived the test, and onward to TAIWAN!!!
ahh, i am not trying to be racist, but waking to malay tunes at a malay wedding down at the voideck, not necessary the most poetic thing to start off the year, and listening to it the whole day is increasingly annoying. I wonder whether any concern for the community is there when they hold their wedding. Not trying to dampen their spirits or anything, but its just noisy.
anyway, been reading the book Wild Swans by Doctor Jung Chang, made me think alot differently about my parents, and myself, and ultimately my country. I am indeed lucky to be born after the terrifying years of internal struggle, of famine, of Cultural Revolution, of the personality cult of Mao ZeDong. Several times I was brought to tears by the images the book presented, about how far humanity was stretched in times of total obscenity. How Mao had manipulated the people for the worst just to remain in control. I wonder whether he ever regretted his decisions, because being a man in power, his one word could have repercussions so farreaching, even I, not born in his time of power, lived under his influence and had my life lived directly in reaction to him. The fact that I have no siblings is because of him, the fact that I am in a foreign is again because of him, the fact that I look back to a painful past in my country is also very much because of him. Once again, it is ultimately annoying when u can't hate someone completely and indignantly, despite his wrongs, he had his rights that were equally undeniable. It's hard to find an equilibrium for the feelings I have about him.
Not given a choice actually, we all who were born in China have to carry the consequences of choices made before us.
ahh, i am not trying to be racist, but waking to malay tunes at a malay wedding down at the voideck, not necessary the most poetic thing to start off the year, and listening to it the whole day is increasingly annoying. I wonder whether any concern for the community is there when they hold their wedding. Not trying to dampen their spirits or anything, but its just noisy.
anyway, been reading the book Wild Swans by Doctor Jung Chang, made me think alot differently about my parents, and myself, and ultimately my country. I am indeed lucky to be born after the terrifying years of internal struggle, of famine, of Cultural Revolution, of the personality cult of Mao ZeDong. Several times I was brought to tears by the images the book presented, about how far humanity was stretched in times of total obscenity. How Mao had manipulated the people for the worst just to remain in control. I wonder whether he ever regretted his decisions, because being a man in power, his one word could have repercussions so farreaching, even I, not born in his time of power, lived under his influence and had my life lived directly in reaction to him. The fact that I have no siblings is because of him, the fact that I am in a foreign is again because of him, the fact that I look back to a painful past in my country is also very much because of him. Once again, it is ultimately annoying when u can't hate someone completely and indignantly, despite his wrongs, he had his rights that were equally undeniable. It's hard to find an equilibrium for the feelings I have about him.
Not given a choice actually, we all who were born in China have to carry the consequences of choices made before us.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Meh I can't believe I am still pissed at the Indian owner of the second hand book store, he freaking blindly charge me so much for 3 torn and tattered books, I might as well go buy new ones right. Granted that they are literature and a copy of HP7, but fact is they are really in bad conditions and you have so many copies of each that the price is just outrageous, somemore the books might just sit thr forever, you never know when you will meet the next buyer what, what a lousy business man. The last time I sold my books to that store they bought at 1 dollar each WTF just kena ripped off, Whr got ppl so shamelessly charge so high and try to earn 600% profit from second hand books. Obviously they don't get the concept of selling second hand books, the main point is to sell it damn freaking cheap so that the copy can be circulated and not go to waste sitting on shelf and yellow. Aargh, I wish I had the guts to yell at the guy, and demand my cheap torn books and emerge victorious from this battle of finding the dirt cheap good stuff, shit. I wish I had the guts to ask him to stop singing 'thank u's, freaking fake and patronizing, somemore can tell me 'I am the boss, I set the price' fuck u la, must be u murdered the kind old Indian man who ripped me off last time but sold me books at dirt cheap price, and took over the shop right. Unbelievable man, this is NOT the way to run a second-hand store! It is not about profits anymore okay!
Damn freaking cold sitting outside nlb, it's probably colder than sitting inside, aaargh.
Ranting makes me feel better, although still very cold!!!!
Damn freaking cold sitting outside nlb, it's probably colder than sitting inside, aaargh.
Ranting makes me feel better, although still very cold!!!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
QLC like totally conquered!
At age 21, I have a dream.
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!
I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.
Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.
At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.
These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.
I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.
Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...
each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.
Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.
I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.
I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!
The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.
Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!
I have a DREAM!
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!
I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.
Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.
At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.
These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.
I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.
Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...
each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.
Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.
I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.
I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!
The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.
Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!
I have a DREAM!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
perfectionist
i can't stand it when people talk to me in sugar-coated ways or having some agenda. why can't people just cut straight to the point omg. idk sometimes i get the feeling that they are trying to impress me, but all the more i am unimpressed, just you know say what u really want to say???? do i look like i am a three year old who needs to be cajoled, or worse be explained to in simple-belittling-language, into believing something??? would i mind if u are really a boring person and u tell me that u are a boring person?? no. i will mind if u are a really boring person but keep trying to bore me by telling me u are not boring. rarr. its so hard to be a nice person! i want to be nice and smiling and gentle, but no, world allows me no choice to be nice, i can only blame my screwed up genetics maybe. "no kitchen very hot one" wtf...simigl...i am not 3 years old please..........
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Childish
My Dad is angry at me for nothing, if that is what is seems to be. And honestly I can't be bothered to find out what nothing is. I dunno, call me defiant or unfilial, I really just had too much of it. I just don't care anymore. Although it still somewhat upsets me, because it makes me feel inadequate, afar from the ideal daughter he has in mind. I'm sorry I'm so useless that I can't impress you in any ways, let alone live up to that expectation. I tried, but failed, I am as imperfect as I am perfect. I like the way I am, chill and carefree, and I don't want to be tied down by EXPECTATIONS wtf. It's like the more I try to break out of it, the tighter it holds on, and coming from my own parents. Is it fair to expect someone else to do your job when you can't do it? It is not fair, but it doesn't hurt for a couple of times, but it is not fine if you blame that someone for failing at a task that you should do? Idk, it's my father I'm talking about. Sometimes I am resentful for all the indirect pain he caused me. Like growing up in a foreign country, and growing up among peers younger than me. I didn't have a say in anything, and I had to bear with all the pain of those decisions. I know it sounds selfish and childish now that I am putting blames on my Dad when his intentions were nothing but good, and he for sure went through so much more than me, but I'm sorry I can't help it, if I can't express it here, I will implode with it. Who knows who would I have become if I were back home? Probably some successful prodigy in everything, who knows. But now, at such senior age, I try to pick up things I should have started learning 10 years ago? Perseverance much? Sometimes it just weighs on me, and I feel so inferior. Compared to who I could have been. Sigh. Be angry at me by all means if it makes you happier, younger, whatever. I just don't fucking give a damn.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Ramble on
I have no idea how I spent my last week. yes I had two camps back to back, but now it just seems like a misty memory that I sometimes ask whether I made that all up. Memory failing like fk. but anyways, rekindled enthusiasm for windsurfing, which I still think its damn cool, and was glad that the peeps there are kind of funny and friendly. eat, sleep, windsurf...hehe.
results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.
have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.
finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.
my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.
well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.
phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.
results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.
have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.
finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.
my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.
well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.
phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
Exams long over
never ever go on a holiday with a passport like mine, it is so much trouble, and anxiety and determination and more trouble. I feel bad to have my friend put up with all the shit my passport issues cause me and subsequently us. Thn again, I have never had a trip like this before, I am determined to make it happen. Also, I need to earn money, but school stuff, more precisely hall stuff is making it difficult, I don't even know the FULL schedule yet, zomg...money money, I NEED money, and I am not a rich kid even though I always fantasize so, but I am a poor kid so I should behave like a poor kid and start earning money, start saving on meals and starving myself, start running errands for money, start being extremely cautious with money. Why the revelation? I fussed about how envious I am towards other kids who are so much more privileged, money and all, seems like their lives are so much fun and joy and glam, and mine just pales into boredom and planktonity. But what can I do man? I am not like them, I am not them, I can only live within my means! ZWY, please get this into your head, u are not like them, u are underprivileged and it is OK, stop feeling inferior because of this, start working hard for yourself, and for your parents who put up with multiple times of my negativity when they worked for a better life for me. rants. start saving more money and read more books you idiot moron.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I AM SUPER DEPRESSED
THN AGAIN MAYBE NOT SUPER(EMPHASIZE) DEPRESSED, BUT I AM DEPRESSED. I CANNOT GO JB WITH MY BLOCK AGAIN(UNDERLINE). NOT THAT I SO LOOK FORWARD TO GOING OUT WITH MY BLOCK, BUT SECOND TIME IN A ROW MAN, CROSS MY HEART I AM SO SUEI. I SHALL NOT BLAME THE SOURCE OF MY MISERY BECAUSE IT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL, BUT I FEEL SO DEPRIVED BECAUSE OF THIS. I AM SOCIALLY HANDICAPPED WOEFULLY DOUBLED BY THIS SHORTCOMING. O.M.G.I AM REDUCED TO WORM STAGE TO BE ONLY ALLOWED TO WORK AND NO JOY. THIS IS MY LIFE. MY WORKFILLED LIFE OF NO HAPPINESS NO FUN AND NO LOVE. IF I CAN CRY I WILL CRY MYSELF A RIVER TO DROWN MYSELF IN.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
As a reply to the previous post
hey hey, I am feeling happy and excited again. Geez, mood swing much.
I don't know, got a message from my friend telling me how she's going to experiment with her new shampoo coz it kind of has a cooling effect, somewhat like the one we had during my last haircut, which made me want to instantly get my hands on one of those.
Now, I have something to do. Aha, get my hands on that bottle of crazy brain freezing shampoo!
I don't know, got a message from my friend telling me how she's going to experiment with her new shampoo coz it kind of has a cooling effect, somewhat like the one we had during my last haircut, which made me want to instantly get my hands on one of those.
Now, I have something to do. Aha, get my hands on that bottle of crazy brain freezing shampoo!
The Sharp Knife of a Short Life
Have this sense of disintegration lately, dun really know how to put it into words, just this feeling of "modularity" maybe, that everything is disconnected from each other. "modularity" may not be the best word, coz it's supposed to be desirable, computing-wise, but breaking my life down into blobs and parts is totally not making me happy. I am actually tired of my life, really tired, to the point that I do not want to wake up to each new day.
Because, honestly, my life is boring. It is harsh but yes, it is boring. And it bothers me even more when those people that I perceive as undeserving seem to have a more enjoyable life than me.
I kept telling myself that I don't have the means to own those joys yet, and it is not right to splurge using my parents' money, although I do spend quite a bit on this and that. But, my life nowadays is really just me and my laptop. I feel no passion, no connection, no life. I thought I could love what I am doing, but I just don't feel this love at all.
But then again, it's not worth it if it's not difficult. And loving something don't come to you just like that, who am I to be so privileged? Anything I want, I have to work for it, if not, it is not worth wanting. Branded stuff? Shopping?? pfft...out of mind and out of the window, whatever that can be bought with money will arrive when money start to arrive. And I totally need to get into the game to grab all that money.
Have to adjust this laid-back attitude of mine, how can I get myself out there if I am always falling back into my crib, into the harmless embrace of home? I need to get myself out there, scarred, wounded and learned. If not, what's the point of living?
Been listening to the song "If I die young", it is not as depressing as the title suggests, but then again, sometimes it is. "I've had just enough time". No I don't, I have so much time, that I could afford to waste them. Isn't it ridiculous in all senses? I even made a wallpaper out of a quote "waste time and all you are wasting is yourself". Bloody hell, that is bloody smack on the face. But I think I need harsh words and harsh actions, because in my whole life, everything is wrapped around softly and lovingly, I have no anger nor drive in me to do anything great.
while I know that I can do great things, I totally can, I just need to get myself out there.
Because, honestly, my life is boring. It is harsh but yes, it is boring. And it bothers me even more when those people that I perceive as undeserving seem to have a more enjoyable life than me.
I kept telling myself that I don't have the means to own those joys yet, and it is not right to splurge using my parents' money, although I do spend quite a bit on this and that. But, my life nowadays is really just me and my laptop. I feel no passion, no connection, no life. I thought I could love what I am doing, but I just don't feel this love at all.
But then again, it's not worth it if it's not difficult. And loving something don't come to you just like that, who am I to be so privileged? Anything I want, I have to work for it, if not, it is not worth wanting. Branded stuff? Shopping?? pfft...out of mind and out of the window, whatever that can be bought with money will arrive when money start to arrive. And I totally need to get into the game to grab all that money.
Have to adjust this laid-back attitude of mine, how can I get myself out there if I am always falling back into my crib, into the harmless embrace of home? I need to get myself out there, scarred, wounded and learned. If not, what's the point of living?
Been listening to the song "If I die young", it is not as depressing as the title suggests, but then again, sometimes it is. "I've had just enough time". No I don't, I have so much time, that I could afford to waste them. Isn't it ridiculous in all senses? I even made a wallpaper out of a quote "waste time and all you are wasting is yourself". Bloody hell, that is bloody smack on the face. But I think I need harsh words and harsh actions, because in my whole life, everything is wrapped around softly and lovingly, I have no anger nor drive in me to do anything great.
while I know that I can do great things, I totally can, I just need to get myself out there.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
去死吧 啦啦啦
2.欢迎光临
老师说 天生我才必有用
老板说 你这蠢材 没路用
每天重覆着说欢迎光临
到底 算不算是一种才艺
我很着急 还要重覆着说 欢迎光临
多久才能得到一点尊敬
最讨厌这个社会太不公平
最讨厌老板活像个神经病
把自己当皇帝 把员工当奴隶
没事乱发脾气 有事不见人影
自以为了不起 碎碎念大道理
谁不知道你有的只是运气
所以你去死吧 别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧 别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
本是同根生 相煎何太急
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意 但求无愧我心
牧师说上帝是公平的来信靠祂吧
比尔盖兹说well，人生是不公平的习惯接受吧
我当真有十万个为什么为什么
为什么要长那么多那么多青春痘
为什么我不会打篮球 不能当model
为什么电脑坏了要我修 唱KTV没有约我
最讨厌没有女朋友 最讨厌听到分手的理由
你星座跟我犯冲 你老母太难伺候
个性不合无法沟通 性别不合难以强求
你的世界我不能懂 你的手机我不能碰
你不爱我勉强接受 爱我朋友谁不发疯
转载来自 ※Mojim.com 魔镜歌词网
所以你去死吧 别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧 别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
天涯何处无芳草 何必单恋一枝花
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意 但求无愧我心
我妈说 人哪 要穷的有骨气
老婆说 小孩没钱买玩具
我以为每天拼命工作的人 总有天享乐
谁知道 做到死也没人给我慰问
每天忍这个(忍这个) 忍那个(忍那个)
忍到吐血还被当成垃圾
最讨厌看到跑车 最讨厌贵妇的眼神
最讨厌听到有钱人说他不快乐
我想请问 你要的快乐到底有多快乐
那么不满足的人干脆去扒粪
如果你像我水深火热 在烂泥里打滚
你的要求和欲望就不会 再那么愚蠢
所以你去死吧 别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧 别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
千金难买早知道 万般无奈皆可抛
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意 但求无愧我心
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
queer
I have to watch this gay sitcom/drama wadever for my paper due next week, zomg, culture shock. It's weird to see one guy smooching another guy, usually one older and one in his teens, and saying things like "im gonna fuck you all night". culture shock. I have nothing against gays or lesbians, it's just sexual orientation smth we hav no control about. But why do we have homonegativity?? especially against gays and less towards lesbians? I've only just realized that the lumping feeling I sense in my guts is socially inculcated, something I am totally neutral about, but conditioned to feel so by all sorts of influences. ok as long as it's two humans smooching, I have no problem.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Whatever
I shall not take any negative feelings. Let them bounce away. Negativity is a waste of energy. If it's tiring, and u wonder why u take it up in the first place, don't, scrap that thought, it's a waste of mind energy. I don't understand how people can keep up a pretense that is so real. What's wrong with showing grumpiness when u are really grumpy? Why laugh so heartily when u are actually brooding negativity? So contradicting! And I'm glad u didn't flare up even though u felt like it, coz it would have hurt, but on the other hand, it might have been better if u did, coz I can then confront u in the face, thn I wouldn't have to dissipate this hating u because u hate me thing. Anyways, dwelling in such a mind is of no use. I am going to conquer what's infront of me, coz that's the only task I need to take care of, I don't have to bother about hunger, cold, having no roof over my head, all I need to think of is how to do my assignment well, isn't that a blessing already? And the trust that my dad has in me, I must take it seriously, even if that means i have to drag myself up everyday, exhausted or not, because my dad's trust is worth it. Now I feel a little better, and if u my fren happen to read this, stop being such a phony, and show me ur true feelings if u deem me as a real friend.
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