Reviewing myself

As the pressure of getting attached gets into my head, I start to become some sappy 做作 shit that I don't like.

Last night I cried because I found out that Wahaha threw away the letter that I wrote to him last semester. It probably didn't matter to him, but it broke my heart, in a tiny way, and I feel stupid for assuming that he will keep it. That probably goes to show that I don't matter to him the way he matters to me. And all these over-thinking things really bogs me down and I really don't wanna over-think anymore.

And I should stop feeling sorry for myself because there's no one to blame, and there's no blame to push. I probably just assumed and didn't really give away any inklings of myself coz I am just too scared or timid, and I get mad at people when they don't automatically understand what I am thinking. My facade of peace and calm is falling apart and I should probably just admit it that I am really not one to be wishy-washy and be caught in the whirlpool of my own thoughts.

Either way, I kinda feel lighter and more grounded because now at least I am a little bit closer to the truth? I am not living in my own made up world of worship and admiration (that's a little exaggerated but kinda true too). In any scale, I'm not being totally fair to Wahaha by expecting so much from him when he doesn't know I had feelings for him (which may totally be self-constructed in my head).

That said, I feel much more at ease with myself that hey I'm normal, I have self-doubts and fear of being rejected, but I act all righteous to hide it and all.

I gotta try to be more open and accepting and less easily hurt. This world is fucked up we all know it, but its up to us to discover the amazing beautiful moments from this fucked-up-ness, and I got to get off my lazy ass and do something about this world, this life. If I just keep complaining about it, nothing is going to change, and I will be sabotaging myself.

I know what I like, but sometimes, I gotta like things that are good for me.

I should be proud of who I am

At this point in time, my body and my brain and my psyche is screaming GIVE UP in a chorus.

I got kp-ed from almost all the items I am in, guilty as charged.

I won't say that I am flippant and commitment phobic, I guess I get kp-ed because people have expectations of me that I am not meeting, and well nobody has that time to find out why, they probably just assumed that I was not putting in enough effort. which technically is very true. I did not put in enough effort to individual items, and events and modules and projects in general. I really need to step up my game this sem, this shit is serious. I pretty much got myself so tied up in everything, I have no time to breath, no time to feel emo, no time to even think much about that one someone that I want to care for.

I guess its time to rise up to this ultimate challenge of university life, and I must have faith that I will emerge victorious because I believe I have the potential, I need to excavate it and this pressurizing atmostphere will not kill me, and I will find that one thing to hold on and push myself through.

I just need to push myself even harder!

I can do this.

I really really can.

and good thing, I am learning to accept criticisms frankfully and openly.

I am not perfect, far from it, I am lazy and deserve to be reprimanded. I shud be thankful that people take effort to point it out and change my ways. I am adaptative and built for success. I should be less self-centered really. I need to show people the respect that I should have for them. the fact that they can do things that I can't, is a valid premise for respect.

That said, Im gonna get a good sleep, control my easily wild rampant thoughts and get my game on for the next two wild days and 2 busy busy weeks to come. really not chance for a breather at all.

This busy life, challenge accepted!

Reflections

Many a times when I meet with difficulties, I tend to voice out my complains. I never saw it as a problem, I always thought voicing out my thoughts help me think better because the process of forming these sentences forces me to rationalize my thoughts with logic. I have rampant thoughts, sometimes they take a toll on my emotion when they become too focused on a tiny point, and I dwell in clammy darkness until something somehow brings me out of it.

Having lived 20 odd years, I look back at my growth. For the most part I have been trying to deal with the changes and emotions associated with immigration, trying to blend in so that I do not suffer the psychological torments of being different from my peers and a possible conflict of identity or a lack thereof.

I have been examining my own life to a microscopic level and when I zoom out of it, I find nothing very spectacular about it. I may have blown my obstacles a little out of proportion, I may not have had it as hard as I thought I did. I may have just slipped and settled in that comfortable shabby corner in my thoughts that life is just like that.

I have considerably lost the drive to pursue academic excellence, somewhere somehow grades have lost their meaning on me. It was not impossible to obtain good grades, I do see the immediate benefits of  being better than others, but I don't feel that need to obtain it. I lack drive or I lack a goal.

I always believed in dreams, and the character that inspires me most is none other than Luffy. One quote of his has kept me going for the longest time and he made me believe in having dreams. One thing I'm glad of is this dream has remained the same and I am working towards it.

Albeit at a really slow pace. I may blame it on the level of concentration in my course of study but most of it come from my inability to focus. I am bombarded with too many wants, expectations and goals I want to achieve, too much informations and possibilities, too much comfort and too little conviction.

I always thought fear is what hinders progress, but I grew to realize that fear comes in different flavors and what it is that you fear makes all the difference. For me I fear the lack of identity, that's why I made it a priority to be myself, even if that made me less "friends" or the occlusion from cliques. On a side note, I hate cliques. Also, I fear competition, that's why I never have any, I fear losing. I fear that even if I work hard I'm still not better than anybody else, so I do not work hard so that logical claim has no claim because the premise is not satisfied.

Desert flower, a moving story, punched me in the stomach and made me ashamed of myself. I have and I own so much, yet I made no good use of it, I am full of complaints and petty little grudges. I am unable to open up myself wholly and I often wonder whether its a one-sided effort, whether I can open myself up by my own efforts. But I guess it's a relative thing that's why "open up to" is a compound phrase, there is an object to open up to.

And...my thoughts have been interrupted and I shall return to meditating.

The end

And peacefully I think this infatuation has come to an end, yes I am free from the bindings of the heart once more! Not saying its necessary bad or good either, I'm just glad I'm free from torment whoosh and I'd always want a friend more than a boyfriend, and even though it was very tempting I'm relieved I did not jump right in and my resistance paid off. I think what works for me is really a good Go right from the start, like everything fits, like harmony without having to try very hard. And sweet words and compliments aren't really sweet and comfortable if they don't come from someone who share that special bond from the first glance. This one was close really very close but it fell short nonetheless and I'm not hotheaded like before to want everything to work out. Am glad that I waited and am glad I chose to protect the friendship instead. As much as I am envious of happy couples, I should not waste mine and the other party's time if I don't see a future with the person at all. And all said, friendships last longer. - Pyosted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ramblings

I have had a little beer and I'm reading the wallflower story (can't remember the title due to the beer), and listening to indie music, all accomplished on my iPad, I love it, maybe except the drinking part, that basically is just me and my can. Well, life has been good, I wouldn't call it great because I haven't found the love of my life yet and I am not being payed to do work that I love and also I suck at doing the work that I love. Yes the beer makes me honest and I love it like that. My theory is that yes there are a lot of probabilities that could-have-been but did not happen for some reason, and I'd like to call that destiny because as corny as it is I believe one thing leads to another, and you wouldn't be surprised that the reason that you were conceived is because a certain gene merged with another gene.so it is fate and so far all the things that I have gone through are unique Or happened in a unique sequence that any different it would have been a whole different person. I think at any one stage one has to come to terms with something in their life. I have had no proper boyfriend, although by comparison to peers, it may look like some sort of deficiency or abnormally, to me alls natural, no one whom I appreciate and appreciates me back has come by and also I happen to value my individual freedom a lot more than having constant male company. Also I would not like to hang out with uncouth, unwitty, unfunny, annoying people even if they are by society terms very socially attractive. I think i dislike people easily, and find it difficult to love people, my love is precious,I'd like to think that way, it cannot be applied to all mankind, not even everybody in my social circle. So people who have gained my love, char Tyler yongcheng Stepf sq Jess qiyue Ren michael wahk rachel ymy... And many more actually be it they still participate in my life or not, you guys are like seashells that I pick up from the sand and keep with me. Like a java program, you guys have Access to my private variables. I haven't had a really inspiring teacher,a really special someone who helped in my puberty process that I'd like to give thanks to, but well I respect all my teachers because teaching is indeed a respectable profession and those who has a passion for it have my respect for all times. Sometimes I lament I have had a difficult childhood surrounded by loneliness, helplessness, estrangeness, but sometimes I look at the good times, they are not that significant shapers or modificators after all. For I have a happy family, parents an grandparents who love me, whom I love, friends whom I love and loves having me around. I am healthy, I am pursuing my passion I am heading in the right direction upwards in a pretty organized society. It's really not bad a life I have had. Yes I do not yet have a sex life, I still have my first kiss and my hymen intact at this ripe old age, well I'd have to admit I am old fashioned that way even though I am not against premarital sex and in fact quite supportive of it knowing that a good sex life is very important for a healthy relationship. Sometimes I think not having a sex life is sad because that's what all the US dramas tell me, I just hope that this stage of sexlessness will come to an end soon. Any normal young woman would fantasize, so Yar... I am thankful for the friends have made over the past 10++'years, especially ones who have stuck with me for rather long. I wishI could say that we went through thick n thin together but no, I rarely had very difficult times in my life so far so, nothing to attest these friendships yet but I know for sure I will do my best to keep up the good end as I have watched enough animes to know that friends are people worth to die for. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Resolution

Okay, time to regain myself. I can't go on feeling like shit every one or two days of no communicating. I mean if it isn't natural then what's the point? I do have better things to do. So ok, I m gonna try to make myself give it up, if I can do it, means it is not my time yet. If I can't, then I gotta go for it. Such a if-else situation, computing is infiltrating my life and mode of thought. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

i HATE to be ignored, and left out. period.

LOSER

Am now under the influence of alcohol hence I am not responsible for everything I say I think and I am.

You can either fck off, fck urself or fck anything within reach.

I am fcking annoyed, I do not want to be a stupid naive teen girl again, I shall go all out and make him MINE wakakakkakaka.

You HWK shall watch out and be prepared, because Hurricane LE ZHOU is coming full force with no mercy.

I will not take no for an answer, not until I have gotten what I wanted. All the best of luck to u. Evil smile

I really need to get my mind off this

Harlow brain can you like concentrate on something worthwhile please?
I have like 3 assignments, 3 presentations and one stupid paper to write that I still have no topic about?
Why you still go and mind and focus on the stupid dude and make me feel like shit about it.

Stop it arh im warning you.

I am going to not initiate a conversation for the whole of this week.
Deal?

Deal.

Reflection

Am I glad that dance pracs are starting soon?
Yes I totally am.
I am so sick of having nothing to do at night and not having the drive to do anything. Apart for waiting for certain someone to appear online, which is totally so loser that I can't believe that I keep doing it! Frustrated at myself.

I like this person, I'm not going to deny it but this is not gonna be my main project! It never will be, at least for now. I want that job at LucasFilm, I want that Freelance pay that drowns me in bulks of cash, I want that freaking Grad trip! I have to work for it! I need a compulsive disorder to work.

That being said this dude is annoying me to death, will die if you would tell me how long you gonna disappear for?

ZWY last warning, stop straying, you have to graduate and move on!

Im not a loser not a loser not a loser.

dance pracs how i miss yall. contemplating going for blast class this week.

Everyday I look through the messages, read the letters I received, think about the first time I noticed...I don't know if this is it, but he definitely has a special place in my heart.

Now, I've got to get myself together.

sooo one-sided affection is boring now

oh gosh i cannot be more bored...

Not saying that I have quit or dropped this "side-project" but now that I have more free time since SUAD is over, I need to sort out my priorities.

1) Create good portfolio for job interviews to come
2) Earn my travelling toll
3) Devour books like a hungry ghost

And to my side-project, I decide that you are not pressing a matter enough and you are not very rewarding right now and apart from some moments of happiness all you've given me is lots of doubt and over-thinking. So, I'm putting you in a not so remote compartment for now. And if year end trip works out then we shall revisit.

For now, it is work work work and money money money.

And dance dance dance. SUAD's finish just left me a huge gapping hole and I want to dance more!!!! I miss Ahmad with a passion now. I'm gonna attend his classes starting next week. OSU.

touche.

Rant #1

I seriously think 20 plus year olds should at least practice some verbal constraints arh. Especially when you have a large group of people to command, you should choose your words properly and not talk any rubbish and waste people's time! rarrr pissed off with people who assume that others like to listen to him.

The Weepies

Short post in the midst of researching for presentation!

Discovered this cute indie band today, and it made my day happy with their song "Gotta Have You". I know I'm experiencing some sort of "lovey-dovey" emotions lately, be it imagined or relatively real :), I want to keep myself on the ground, and thus been reading lots of quotes and lyrics too. Amazingly they make sense, subtlety is underrated, I love how sometimes a short simple phrase can summarize a realm of emotions.

So here goes:

The Weepies - Gotta Have You

Gray, quiet and tired and mean. 

Picking at a worried seam. 

I try to make you mad at me over the phone.

Red eyes are fire and signs. 

I'm taken by a nursery rhyme. 

I want to make a ray of sunshine 

and never leave home. 

No amount of coffee, 

no amount of crying, 

no amount of whiskey, 

no amount of wine. 

No, nothing else will do, 

I've gotta have you. 

The road gets cold, 

there's no spring in the middle of this year. 

And I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears. 

Oh, such a prima donna, 

sorry for myself. 

But green, it is also summer and I won't be warm 

"til I'm lying in your arms. 

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat. 

Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune....

Emo post 2

Gosh this is so annoying!And I am so sure he is purposely ignoring me this time. Fine bring it on! I said I'm not gonna give up, I'm gonna bug u till u go crazy!

affected

it has been a very long time since I felt like this for someone. I am grateful to have met and known this person, and somewhat fallen for him, not just for his good looks but most importantly his attitude. since long ago, I have this grudge against the people that I like and I tend to treat them with an attitude somewhat fluttering between mean and nice. Its like I don't want to lose control over myself while I am liking almost everything about this person and I don't know whether he ever gave a flying fuck about me. I sometimes want to know how important I am to others even if I act like I don't care. So, I feel affected and at times wronged when I don't get instant replies or I don't sense that equality in terms of wanting to continue the conversation. Sometimes I over-think myself into emotional abyss and start hating the other person for not being able to satisfy my egocentric needs. Till now I still find myself too self-indulgent for my own good and I got to get pass that if I want to have something more with this person. I guess I should be way pass the age of shyness and I really got to earn it this time. I always give up too easily, and this time I'm not going to, even if I have to dao zhui, at least I made sure he is worth it. Hence, small teeny pitfalls will not deter me and I will not read too much into stuff and not give up upon every little obstruction. and hence i unlock and unleash HARDWORKING and PERSISTENT ZHOU into action, and may my engine never stop before I achieve my goal! WOOSH and GO ME!

Soul searching

Been doing some soul searching recently, coz apparently there are lots of things on my mind. Firstly, never complain before asking yourself whether you have made any contributions yet. This is in direct response to SUAD preparation and the mass of feelings surrounding it. I'm doing 3 items, BFS, Zhiwen's and Ahmad's. And in each item there are the stratas of Dam good, good and average dancers (it is somewhat good to know that there are no lousy dancers so at the very least I'm not lousy). I think it is easy to tell how much effort and thought that each dancer put into the performance by just looking at the dance itself. And very obviously I am not putting in enough effort to render me a good spot. Same goes to not making the cut for oschool recital. I don't spend 8 hours a day training up my stamina, working on my basics, practicing my choreography, it is gratifying enough that I get to dance on the same stage as some really awesome dancers like Thomas, Glenn and people like them. It then boils down to how much I want this experience and how good I want this experience to be. I like an easy chillax life but I also want to be in the spotlight at times, at concerts that I spend months attending practices for, I don't want to just be cleaning the curtains every single dance. Although nobody spells it out for you, but your blocking clearly reflects how important you are to the item, although by no order of merit. This feeling of not being good enough is everywhere, be it in school, in dance or in the pursuit of others. I am always half-hearted...always not pushing myself more to gain more...afraid of failure. And I still could talk about philosophy of dreams and happiness and life indignantly as if I am doing everything that I think should be done. Double standards much. I don't ever want to be a loser, I am quiet but I don't want to be hidden anymore. I don't want to be envious of other people anymore.

Just some complaints

Wow so long away from blogging I didn't even know about the change of layout here. Quite a clean and minimalistic one I'd say, not a fan of orange but it will do. Reminds me of the google layout a bit, that explains, isn't blogger somewhat google's? I'm not sure. Anyway, felt like blogging suddenly. I didn't blog about supposedly blog-worthy events such as YEP, exams, DU, beerfest and what not. Guess my brain just don't work in that way that I want to document every mentionable thing anymore. Kind of always work by the gut feeling when I feel like it it will happen. So here I am wanting to blog. Just this little thing that happened at dinner just now that annoys me to no end. This dude, BIG dude, offended me by being rude to my Dad. Well, my Dad being the soft big teddy bear he is, took no notice obviously, maybe that is his way of driving offenders crazy. But while I watched on the sideline, I wished I have sharp teeth which I can sink into the guy's neck and tear out his bloody neck as beastly as I could imagine. I admit, I have morbid thoughts and derive morbid pleasures out of blood and gore, well at least "well-made" ones. Then I went up and gave the guy the meanest and most provocative look I can get away with and there it gave me pleasure to see him fucking pissed. Maybe deep down I am a sucker for drama. Maybe deep down I should live in the woods not in this pretentious thing called civilisation. It just occurred to me that this man, way older than I am is pissed off by my obvious provocation, and till the end of the dinner he continues glaring at my Dad, if I had seen it, I would shove a finger in his face but I totally forgot about him over dinner until Dad told me. Not that I approve of my Dad's way of silent ignore, but I would feel inwardly annoyed much if I were that guy coz apparently my provocations are not being registered. But to me, a third party who secretly wishes for more drama, its not so nice, because there is no sense of moral civility towards people both way senior or way junior than you. That is something I was taught to respect my whole life, and it's super weird to see that nobody here knows about it. Don't these people go through moral education as well, despite thinking that the lessons are bullshit, but the teachings well, stuff that you would wish you could teach your kids, are good values to pass on, no? Like respecting your elders, being civil with small kids, or juniors. There is social expectations to adhere to in relation with people around you. And obviously this man decides to bear a grudge with me who is significantly his junior. It's like getting angry at a kid who just wants to piss you off. And there I realize how screwed up this society is. No offense really. But a society that requires the law to do the work of morality is pretty screwed up in my opinion. Not to say the conflicting views of the west and the east, the confused perception of themselves the people have here. I still have a problem with their twisted pride in not being able to speak and understand their own mother-tongue, I honestly despise it. This I have gone through so many times, trying to get over it but I can't. It's an outright refusal to accept your roots, no? Trying to deny your ancestry and inching closer to something seemingly "cool" but in no way part of your identification. And this is why I never really liked this society at all. To be continued...

Impresario 2012

Here's the end of this journey. It has been painful, and it was painful to know that it stops right here, it was painful to know that we could have the potential to go on, only just that everyone probably did not want it wholeheartedly anymore. It started out as a bid to challenge ourselves, to gain the good experience, it is still a great experience i will not deny it, i only feel disappointed as it did not end on a high and united note. well, life can't always be sweet, i learnt that. this journey really tested my sincerity for dance , and I am actually glad that this fall has spurred the passion to go on. Probably not wanting something bad enough is the reason why I do not win competitions, or matches, I always have fallback, and I always am very chillax about competition in general, kind of never really fought for something I really wanted, not because I don't fight, but because I don't want something so bad that I'd fight for it. It recurs in my life, and I'm not sure whether I want to change it or keep it. I should never force myself to be someone else, but I should always strive to improve...

seriously what's the point of staying here anymore. there. im not gonna stay in hall next sem.