OK i really blog alittle too much lately

I had the most horrible dream....

It was a class that I somehow missed or got mixed up, can't really remember but there was a cock up, and my pet lion was skinned alive and all there was left of him was his skin and mane, hies bones, muscles and blood, all gone. :'(

I cried in my dream. This is so sad.

Post Dp

I find myself blogging a little too much recently, sheepish laugh.

Well, DP is over. I feel mildly lost, not with all the pracs taking up my time, a load finally lifted off my shoulder, I kinda don't know what to do with the time anymore. Well, complete my work of course, which I am rather excited to delve into actually.

What I love about DP is that over these crazy 3 days of incessant activities and sensory overload, the laughter and tears that we share, the pains and triumphs that we endure, the booze we drink before show. It is all too precious a memory and it is sad this it has come to an end so fast.

I love how this DP has turned out. I did not begin by believing in it as much, I thought the story was loose, too emo for me and a little too much contemporariness IMO. However after watching the runs over and over again, the central idea bores through, and it is heartwarming to know that it is these same emotions that everybody goes through at this stage of their lives. US, the young ones, dealing with expectations, individualities, securities, love, kinship, stress and friendships.

I wept when I first read the parent's letter. I can totally identify with the words although I later found out that Step wrote it and she wasn't even the least affected about it. Oh well, "when I needed you and you needed me", I thought of my parents, everything they have done for me, bringing me to this world, the hard work they put in for me for me to turn into who I am today. I am a happy person because of my parents and not because of me. My parents are simple hardworking people, and that is who I am going to become. They taught me the important values that guides me in life, in times of doubt, in the ways of society. Despite moments of selfishness where I disregard all these that I have I decide to focus on things that I do not have, I have made remarks and felt emotions that I have grown to be ashamed of. I am ashamed of not contacting my parents frequently, not wanting to connect with them, not wanting them to participate in my own life. I am so selfish.

Having learnt my lesson, I want to try to rectify myself, I want to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better dancer and a better person.

DP is not just about the few minutes of stage time, it is the hard work we put in over the months of practice, the injuries, the agonies of pursuing something we love, the time we spent together. "Somewhere only we know..."

Despite words of angst and feelings of depressions, I love the fact I stuck through with DP and did not pull out. And I love the fact that Jessica stuck through with Dp and Joan stuck through with it too. I am genuinely proud of them. And I am proud of KRDP2013.

What I miss now is the hugs and fist bumps backstage, the faces we see when we exit stage after each performance, the pats on the back and the smiles and "Good jobs!", "You guys were great!". I miss helping my friends with hair and makeup, sticking on their falsies which dropped off and I had to stick it on again; braiding my friends' hair and feeling super perfectionistic and redoing it again and again; piggybacking the Jess and laughing at her disabilities (is actually my way of trying to make her feel better, abit Bian tai, but the origins are good), rubbing Yuwei's stomach before show; spotting familiar faces in the audiences. I don't usually gush over these things anymore because having performed a number of times, the excitement wore off a little.

And what Dismas said about this being our last performance is not hitting me yet, probably because I was not as involved in DP as he was coz he was lead + director, i  think practically his whole life was DP until it was over. But for me, DP is a place to dance, to learn choreography, to interact and learn about my dancemates, although we dance so differently initially, we came to dance like each other towards the end.

So many things to say about DP and so little time to brood over it because I have 2 animations to finish by the end of the day. I just want to remember the good times, the crazy times, the bad times, everything. Do a proper closure for DP and a little tribute to it. For everybody who shared the same experiences despite being so different, I'm glad we came together and we did something all together. It is a helluva good memory to have. :')

Blues

This week has been difficult.

First I have to watch my friend suffer from a badly sprained ankle and see her struggle with the choice of whether to give up dancing for DP. And as I watched I really admire her strength and determination. Even though at times I wish I could just tell her to stop but instead I kept mum and let her go on. Because I knew if I were her I wouldn't want anyone to tell me to stop. Even if it meant not telling my parents about it because they would tell me to give it up.

All I can do is help. And watch her struggle.

And what makes this week more difficult is the constant struggle of trying to give up this knot of feelings which I don't want to have anymore. It just screws me up and make me an impulsive jealous mean thing which makes me feel so bad that I made someone I like put up with it.

That said, I don't know why I put up with my drunk friend in my room while I slept in fear. It was really quite traumatizing and I think I will be quite uncomfortable with my friend. And by not being able to communicate this fear to the liked party and feeling angsty towards him for being not understanding of me is totally not logical and wrong. And I know it but I can't help it. I think I would not be able to hold it in for long....

And work is piled up like a mountain and I can't finish any of it. And ponning classes is my way of dealing with it which will only backfire on me later. I fear the backlash of my own actions.

And my friend dealing with breakup and boyfriend moving on. It brings me to tears everytime I read her blogposts. So raw and so painful yet so alive. And this week I feel like I'm living in a dream, a most imaginatively tormenting one that is. A little hope, a little shit, a little smile, a slap across the face, a little warmth and a cold shoulder. So agonizing yet so inviting. I'm a little far gone to pull myself out now, I have to admit now. I am really not sure where this is going to go.

Lastly, I met up with dear friends from secondary school, and it was amazing how everyone are pursuing different lives now. And April who I thought was childish and immature before has become so mature through work life and everything that I look up to her with respect.

Life is so amazing. Live bravely.

我决定

不要再暗恋任何人了。

我不要再暗恋这个人了。

post interview blues

I don't know what is it about the interviews, I always feel so drained after them. Update, I went for Lucasfilm interview round 2 yesterday afternoon. And I'm not sure whether it was the travelling that killed me or the interview itself. The interview lasted for 1 hour plus, I suppose it was good because I feel that the I am the same kind of people as my interviewers. We are all geeks and in love with making animation and cool stuffs on the big screen. A little socially awkward, with that undeniable tinge of sourness towards having a social life, these little things that I picked up from the conversation.

Despite feeling exhausted afterwards, I felt I was present the whole time during the interview, and I think that's a good thing. Because the whole creative space in the company excites me. I really want to earn my place there. After 4 years of university, I am ready to begin my apprenticeship, I am ready to prow open the richness and abundant resources there lie awaiting. I am ready to ask tons of technical and artistic questions to the people who created the scenes that make me wanna cry.

Maybe its all these that overwhelms me and drained me of all my energies. And I came back feeling surreal all over again and once my head touched my pillow, I'm gone.

I wouldn't dare say that I'd confirm get the job, but the two interviews went smoothly and it felt really natural just like watching a stone set into place. Although I still harbor some crossed-finger-ness, I'm really looking forward to stepping in.

I need peace

My inner peace is disturbed now. I can sum it all up saying my life is getting out of control now.

All these commitments, they are losing their meaning on me.

All these "friends", they are also losing their meaning on me.

Am I the person that I want to become 5 years ago?
Problem is I can't remember what I had wanted to become.

I worry that I will not be able to love anyone because I am too in love with myself, and I am really not letting anyone in. I am so scared of professing my feelings that I lie to myself, and I feel so much angst building up and I don't know how to dissipate it.

I am always worrying about how others perceive me and I have had enough of myself.

I hate the container that I put myself in and I want to reach out to the person I have came to love.

Why do I have so many meaningless thoughts going on. I don't want it.

Maybe it's just today. I am at a junction of my life.

I don't want to be haps - then don't feel envious about it.
I don't want to have too many friends - then don't feel left out when people don't approach you.
I don't want too much attention - then don't feel all that angst when you don't get the attention.

Don't want any relationships? or do you want it because of someone? have you ever let the someone know that you have feelings for him?

I am so scared that I can't do anything about it. :(

Reviewing myself

As the pressure of getting attached gets into my head, I start to become some sappy 做作 shit that I don't like.

Last night I cried because I found out that Wahaha threw away the letter that I wrote to him last semester. It probably didn't matter to him, but it broke my heart, in a tiny way, and I feel stupid for assuming that he will keep it. That probably goes to show that I don't matter to him the way he matters to me. And all these over-thinking things really bogs me down and I really don't wanna over-think anymore.

And I should stop feeling sorry for myself because there's no one to blame, and there's no blame to push. I probably just assumed and didn't really give away any inklings of myself coz I am just too scared or timid, and I get mad at people when they don't automatically understand what I am thinking. My facade of peace and calm is falling apart and I should probably just admit it that I am really not one to be wishy-washy and be caught in the whirlpool of my own thoughts.

Either way, I kinda feel lighter and more grounded because now at least I am a little bit closer to the truth? I am not living in my own made up world of worship and admiration (that's a little exaggerated but kinda true too). In any scale, I'm not being totally fair to Wahaha by expecting so much from him when he doesn't know I had feelings for him (which may totally be self-constructed in my head).

That said, I feel much more at ease with myself that hey I'm normal, I have self-doubts and fear of being rejected, but I act all righteous to hide it and all.

I gotta try to be more open and accepting and less easily hurt. This world is fucked up we all know it, but its up to us to discover the amazing beautiful moments from this fucked-up-ness, and I got to get off my lazy ass and do something about this world, this life. If I just keep complaining about it, nothing is going to change, and I will be sabotaging myself.

I know what I like, but sometimes, I gotta like things that are good for me.

I should be proud of who I am

At this point in time, my body and my brain and my psyche is screaming GIVE UP in a chorus.

I got kp-ed from almost all the items I am in, guilty as charged.

I won't say that I am flippant and commitment phobic, I guess I get kp-ed because people have expectations of me that I am not meeting, and well nobody has that time to find out why, they probably just assumed that I was not putting in enough effort. which technically is very true. I did not put in enough effort to individual items, and events and modules and projects in general. I really need to step up my game this sem, this shit is serious. I pretty much got myself so tied up in everything, I have no time to breath, no time to feel emo, no time to even think much about that one someone that I want to care for.

I guess its time to rise up to this ultimate challenge of university life, and I must have faith that I will emerge victorious because I believe I have the potential, I need to excavate it and this pressurizing atmostphere will not kill me, and I will find that one thing to hold on and push myself through.

I just need to push myself even harder!

I can do this.

I really really can.

and good thing, I am learning to accept criticisms frankfully and openly.

I am not perfect, far from it, I am lazy and deserve to be reprimanded. I shud be thankful that people take effort to point it out and change my ways. I am adaptative and built for success. I should be less self-centered really. I need to show people the respect that I should have for them. the fact that they can do things that I can't, is a valid premise for respect.

That said, Im gonna get a good sleep, control my easily wild rampant thoughts and get my game on for the next two wild days and 2 busy busy weeks to come. really not chance for a breather at all.

This busy life, challenge accepted!

Reflections

Many a times when I meet with difficulties, I tend to voice out my complains. I never saw it as a problem, I always thought voicing out my thoughts help me think better because the process of forming these sentences forces me to rationalize my thoughts with logic. I have rampant thoughts, sometimes they take a toll on my emotion when they become too focused on a tiny point, and I dwell in clammy darkness until something somehow brings me out of it.

Having lived 20 odd years, I look back at my growth. For the most part I have been trying to deal with the changes and emotions associated with immigration, trying to blend in so that I do not suffer the psychological torments of being different from my peers and a possible conflict of identity or a lack thereof.

I have been examining my own life to a microscopic level and when I zoom out of it, I find nothing very spectacular about it. I may have blown my obstacles a little out of proportion, I may not have had it as hard as I thought I did. I may have just slipped and settled in that comfortable shabby corner in my thoughts that life is just like that.

I have considerably lost the drive to pursue academic excellence, somewhere somehow grades have lost their meaning on me. It was not impossible to obtain good grades, I do see the immediate benefits of  being better than others, but I don't feel that need to obtain it. I lack drive or I lack a goal.

I always believed in dreams, and the character that inspires me most is none other than Luffy. One quote of his has kept me going for the longest time and he made me believe in having dreams. One thing I'm glad of is this dream has remained the same and I am working towards it.

Albeit at a really slow pace. I may blame it on the level of concentration in my course of study but most of it come from my inability to focus. I am bombarded with too many wants, expectations and goals I want to achieve, too much informations and possibilities, too much comfort and too little conviction.

I always thought fear is what hinders progress, but I grew to realize that fear comes in different flavors and what it is that you fear makes all the difference. For me I fear the lack of identity, that's why I made it a priority to be myself, even if that made me less "friends" or the occlusion from cliques. On a side note, I hate cliques. Also, I fear competition, that's why I never have any, I fear losing. I fear that even if I work hard I'm still not better than anybody else, so I do not work hard so that logical claim has no claim because the premise is not satisfied.

Desert flower, a moving story, punched me in the stomach and made me ashamed of myself. I have and I own so much, yet I made no good use of it, I am full of complaints and petty little grudges. I am unable to open up myself wholly and I often wonder whether its a one-sided effort, whether I can open myself up by my own efforts. But I guess it's a relative thing that's why "open up to" is a compound phrase, there is an object to open up to.

And...my thoughts have been interrupted and I shall return to meditating.

The end

And peacefully I think this infatuation has come to an end, yes I am free from the bindings of the heart once more! Not saying its necessary bad or good either, I'm just glad I'm free from torment whoosh and I'd always want a friend more than a boyfriend, and even though it was very tempting I'm relieved I did not jump right in and my resistance paid off. I think what works for me is really a good Go right from the start, like everything fits, like harmony without having to try very hard. And sweet words and compliments aren't really sweet and comfortable if they don't come from someone who share that special bond from the first glance. This one was close really very close but it fell short nonetheless and I'm not hotheaded like before to want everything to work out. Am glad that I waited and am glad I chose to protect the friendship instead. As much as I am envious of happy couples, I should not waste mine and the other party's time if I don't see a future with the person at all. And all said, friendships last longer. - Pyosted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ramblings

I have had a little beer and I'm reading the wallflower story (can't remember the title due to the beer), and listening to indie music, all accomplished on my iPad, I love it, maybe except the drinking part, that basically is just me and my can. Well, life has been good, I wouldn't call it great because I haven't found the love of my life yet and I am not being payed to do work that I love and also I suck at doing the work that I love. Yes the beer makes me honest and I love it like that. My theory is that yes there are a lot of probabilities that could-have-been but did not happen for some reason, and I'd like to call that destiny because as corny as it is I believe one thing leads to another, and you wouldn't be surprised that the reason that you were conceived is because a certain gene merged with another gene.so it is fate and so far all the things that I have gone through are unique Or happened in a unique sequence that any different it would have been a whole different person. I think at any one stage one has to come to terms with something in their life. I have had no proper boyfriend, although by comparison to peers, it may look like some sort of deficiency or abnormally, to me alls natural, no one whom I appreciate and appreciates me back has come by and also I happen to value my individual freedom a lot more than having constant male company. Also I would not like to hang out with uncouth, unwitty, unfunny, annoying people even if they are by society terms very socially attractive. I think i dislike people easily, and find it difficult to love people, my love is precious,I'd like to think that way, it cannot be applied to all mankind, not even everybody in my social circle. So people who have gained my love, char Tyler yongcheng Stepf sq Jess qiyue Ren michael wahk rachel ymy... And many more actually be it they still participate in my life or not, you guys are like seashells that I pick up from the sand and keep with me. Like a java program, you guys have Access to my private variables. I haven't had a really inspiring teacher,a really special someone who helped in my puberty process that I'd like to give thanks to, but well I respect all my teachers because teaching is indeed a respectable profession and those who has a passion for it have my respect for all times. Sometimes I lament I have had a difficult childhood surrounded by loneliness, helplessness, estrangeness, but sometimes I look at the good times, they are not that significant shapers or modificators after all. For I have a happy family, parents an grandparents who love me, whom I love, friends whom I love and loves having me around. I am healthy, I am pursuing my passion I am heading in the right direction upwards in a pretty organized society. It's really not bad a life I have had. Yes I do not yet have a sex life, I still have my first kiss and my hymen intact at this ripe old age, well I'd have to admit I am old fashioned that way even though I am not against premarital sex and in fact quite supportive of it knowing that a good sex life is very important for a healthy relationship. Sometimes I think not having a sex life is sad because that's what all the US dramas tell me, I just hope that this stage of sexlessness will come to an end soon. Any normal young woman would fantasize, so Yar... I am thankful for the friends have made over the past 10++'years, especially ones who have stuck with me for rather long. I wishI could say that we went through thick n thin together but no, I rarely had very difficult times in my life so far so, nothing to attest these friendships yet but I know for sure I will do my best to keep up the good end as I have watched enough animes to know that friends are people worth to die for. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Resolution

Okay, time to regain myself. I can't go on feeling like shit every one or two days of no communicating. I mean if it isn't natural then what's the point? I do have better things to do. So ok, I m gonna try to make myself give it up, if I can do it, means it is not my time yet. If I can't, then I gotta go for it. Such a if-else situation, computing is infiltrating my life and mode of thought. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

i HATE to be ignored, and left out. period.

LOSER

Am now under the influence of alcohol hence I am not responsible for everything I say I think and I am.

You can either fck off, fck urself or fck anything within reach.

I am fcking annoyed, I do not want to be a stupid naive teen girl again, I shall go all out and make him MINE wakakakkakaka.

You HWK shall watch out and be prepared, because Hurricane LE ZHOU is coming full force with no mercy.

I will not take no for an answer, not until I have gotten what I wanted. All the best of luck to u. Evil smile

I really need to get my mind off this

Harlow brain can you like concentrate on something worthwhile please?
I have like 3 assignments, 3 presentations and one stupid paper to write that I still have no topic about?
Why you still go and mind and focus on the stupid dude and make me feel like shit about it.

Stop it arh im warning you.

I am going to not initiate a conversation for the whole of this week.
Deal?

Deal.

Reflection

Am I glad that dance pracs are starting soon?
Yes I totally am.
I am so sick of having nothing to do at night and not having the drive to do anything. Apart for waiting for certain someone to appear online, which is totally so loser that I can't believe that I keep doing it! Frustrated at myself.

I like this person, I'm not going to deny it but this is not gonna be my main project! It never will be, at least for now. I want that job at LucasFilm, I want that Freelance pay that drowns me in bulks of cash, I want that freaking Grad trip! I have to work for it! I need a compulsive disorder to work.

That being said this dude is annoying me to death, will die if you would tell me how long you gonna disappear for?

ZWY last warning, stop straying, you have to graduate and move on!

Im not a loser not a loser not a loser.

dance pracs how i miss yall. contemplating going for blast class this week.

Everyday I look through the messages, read the letters I received, think about the first time I noticed...I don't know if this is it, but he definitely has a special place in my heart.

Now, I've got to get myself together.

sooo one-sided affection is boring now

oh gosh i cannot be more bored...

Not saying that I have quit or dropped this "side-project" but now that I have more free time since SUAD is over, I need to sort out my priorities.

1) Create good portfolio for job interviews to come
2) Earn my travelling toll
3) Devour books like a hungry ghost

And to my side-project, I decide that you are not pressing a matter enough and you are not very rewarding right now and apart from some moments of happiness all you've given me is lots of doubt and over-thinking. So, I'm putting you in a not so remote compartment for now. And if year end trip works out then we shall revisit.

For now, it is work work work and money money money.

And dance dance dance. SUAD's finish just left me a huge gapping hole and I want to dance more!!!! I miss Ahmad with a passion now. I'm gonna attend his classes starting next week. OSU.

touche.

Rant #1

I seriously think 20 plus year olds should at least practice some verbal constraints arh. Especially when you have a large group of people to command, you should choose your words properly and not talk any rubbish and waste people's time! rarrr pissed off with people who assume that others like to listen to him.

The Weepies

Short post in the midst of researching for presentation!

Discovered this cute indie band today, and it made my day happy with their song "Gotta Have You". I know I'm experiencing some sort of "lovey-dovey" emotions lately, be it imagined or relatively real :), I want to keep myself on the ground, and thus been reading lots of quotes and lyrics too. Amazingly they make sense, subtlety is underrated, I love how sometimes a short simple phrase can summarize a realm of emotions.

So here goes:

The Weepies - Gotta Have You

Gray, quiet and tired and mean. 

Picking at a worried seam. 

I try to make you mad at me over the phone.

Red eyes are fire and signs. 

I'm taken by a nursery rhyme. 

I want to make a ray of sunshine 

and never leave home. 

No amount of coffee, 

no amount of crying, 

no amount of whiskey, 

no amount of wine. 

No, nothing else will do, 

I've gotta have you. 

The road gets cold, 

there's no spring in the middle of this year. 

And I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears. 

Oh, such a prima donna, 

sorry for myself. 

But green, it is also summer and I won't be warm 

"til I'm lying in your arms. 

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat. 

Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune....