Ramblings

I have had a little beer and I'm reading the wallflower story (can't remember the title due to the beer), and listening to indie music, all accomplished on my iPad, I love it, maybe except the drinking part, that basically is just me and my can. Well, life has been good, I wouldn't call it great because I haven't found the love of my life yet and I am not being payed to do work that I love and also I suck at doing the work that I love. Yes the beer makes me honest and I love it like that. My theory is that yes there are a lot of probabilities that could-have-been but did not happen for some reason, and I'd like to call that destiny because as corny as it is I believe one thing leads to another, and you wouldn't be surprised that the reason that you were conceived is because a certain gene merged with another gene.so it is fate and so far all the things that I have gone through are unique Or happened in a unique sequence that any different it would have been a whole different person. I think at any one stage one has to come to terms with something in their life. I have had no proper boyfriend, although by comparison to peers, it may look like some sort of deficiency or abnormally, to me alls natural, no one whom I appreciate and appreciates me back has come by and also I happen to value my individual freedom a lot more than having constant male company. Also I would not like to hang out with uncouth, unwitty, unfunny, annoying people even if they are by society terms very socially attractive. I think i dislike people easily, and find it difficult to love people, my love is precious,I'd like to think that way, it cannot be applied to all mankind, not even everybody in my social circle. So people who have gained my love, char Tyler yongcheng Stepf sq Jess qiyue Ren michael wahk rachel ymy... And many more actually be it they still participate in my life or not, you guys are like seashells that I pick up from the sand and keep with me. Like a java program, you guys have Access to my private variables. I haven't had a really inspiring teacher,a really special someone who helped in my puberty process that I'd like to give thanks to, but well I respect all my teachers because teaching is indeed a respectable profession and those who has a passion for it have my respect for all times. Sometimes I lament I have had a difficult childhood surrounded by loneliness, helplessness, estrangeness, but sometimes I look at the good times, they are not that significant shapers or modificators after all. For I have a happy family, parents an grandparents who love me, whom I love, friends whom I love and loves having me around. I am healthy, I am pursuing my passion I am heading in the right direction upwards in a pretty organized society. It's really not bad a life I have had. Yes I do not yet have a sex life, I still have my first kiss and my hymen intact at this ripe old age, well I'd have to admit I am old fashioned that way even though I am not against premarital sex and in fact quite supportive of it knowing that a good sex life is very important for a healthy relationship. Sometimes I think not having a sex life is sad because that's what all the US dramas tell me, I just hope that this stage of sexlessness will come to an end soon. Any normal young woman would fantasize, so Yar... I am thankful for the friends have made over the past 10++'years, especially ones who have stuck with me for rather long. I wishI could say that we went through thick n thin together but no, I rarely had very difficult times in my life so far so, nothing to attest these friendships yet but I know for sure I will do my best to keep up the good end as I have watched enough animes to know that friends are people worth to die for. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Resolution

Okay, time to regain myself. I can't go on feeling like shit every one or two days of no communicating. I mean if it isn't natural then what's the point? I do have better things to do. So ok, I m gonna try to make myself give it up, if I can do it, means it is not my time yet. If I can't, then I gotta go for it. Such a if-else situation, computing is infiltrating my life and mode of thought. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

i HATE to be ignored, and left out. period.

LOSER

Am now under the influence of alcohol hence I am not responsible for everything I say I think and I am.

You can either fck off, fck urself or fck anything within reach.

I am fcking annoyed, I do not want to be a stupid naive teen girl again, I shall go all out and make him MINE wakakakkakaka.

You HWK shall watch out and be prepared, because Hurricane LE ZHOU is coming full force with no mercy.

I will not take no for an answer, not until I have gotten what I wanted. All the best of luck to u. Evil smile

I really need to get my mind off this

Harlow brain can you like concentrate on something worthwhile please?
I have like 3 assignments, 3 presentations and one stupid paper to write that I still have no topic about?
Why you still go and mind and focus on the stupid dude and make me feel like shit about it.

Stop it arh im warning you.

I am going to not initiate a conversation for the whole of this week.
Deal?

Deal.

Reflection

Am I glad that dance pracs are starting soon?
Yes I totally am.
I am so sick of having nothing to do at night and not having the drive to do anything. Apart for waiting for certain someone to appear online, which is totally so loser that I can't believe that I keep doing it! Frustrated at myself.

I like this person, I'm not going to deny it but this is not gonna be my main project! It never will be, at least for now. I want that job at LucasFilm, I want that Freelance pay that drowns me in bulks of cash, I want that freaking Grad trip! I have to work for it! I need a compulsive disorder to work.

That being said this dude is annoying me to death, will die if you would tell me how long you gonna disappear for?

ZWY last warning, stop straying, you have to graduate and move on!

Im not a loser not a loser not a loser.

dance pracs how i miss yall. contemplating going for blast class this week.

Everyday I look through the messages, read the letters I received, think about the first time I noticed...I don't know if this is it, but he definitely has a special place in my heart.

Now, I've got to get myself together.

sooo one-sided affection is boring now

oh gosh i cannot be more bored...

Not saying that I have quit or dropped this "side-project" but now that I have more free time since SUAD is over, I need to sort out my priorities.

1) Create good portfolio for job interviews to come
2) Earn my travelling toll
3) Devour books like a hungry ghost

And to my side-project, I decide that you are not pressing a matter enough and you are not very rewarding right now and apart from some moments of happiness all you've given me is lots of doubt and over-thinking. So, I'm putting you in a not so remote compartment for now. And if year end trip works out then we shall revisit.

For now, it is work work work and money money money.

And dance dance dance. SUAD's finish just left me a huge gapping hole and I want to dance more!!!! I miss Ahmad with a passion now. I'm gonna attend his classes starting next week. OSU.

touche.

Rant #1

I seriously think 20 plus year olds should at least practice some verbal constraints arh. Especially when you have a large group of people to command, you should choose your words properly and not talk any rubbish and waste people's time! rarrr pissed off with people who assume that others like to listen to him.

The Weepies

Short post in the midst of researching for presentation!

Discovered this cute indie band today, and it made my day happy with their song "Gotta Have You". I know I'm experiencing some sort of "lovey-dovey" emotions lately, be it imagined or relatively real :), I want to keep myself on the ground, and thus been reading lots of quotes and lyrics too. Amazingly they make sense, subtlety is underrated, I love how sometimes a short simple phrase can summarize a realm of emotions.

So here goes:

The Weepies - Gotta Have You

Gray, quiet and tired and mean. 

Picking at a worried seam. 

I try to make you mad at me over the phone.

Red eyes are fire and signs. 

I'm taken by a nursery rhyme. 

I want to make a ray of sunshine 

and never leave home. 

No amount of coffee, 

no amount of crying, 

no amount of whiskey, 

no amount of wine. 

No, nothing else will do, 

I've gotta have you. 

The road gets cold, 

there's no spring in the middle of this year. 

And I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears. 

Oh, such a prima donna, 

sorry for myself. 

But green, it is also summer and I won't be warm 

"til I'm lying in your arms. 

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat. 

Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune....

Emo post 2

Gosh this is so annoying!And I am so sure he is purposely ignoring me this time. Fine bring it on! I said I'm not gonna give up, I'm gonna bug u till u go crazy!

affected

it has been a very long time since I felt like this for someone. I am grateful to have met and known this person, and somewhat fallen for him, not just for his good looks but most importantly his attitude. since long ago, I have this grudge against the people that I like and I tend to treat them with an attitude somewhat fluttering between mean and nice. Its like I don't want to lose control over myself while I am liking almost everything about this person and I don't know whether he ever gave a flying fuck about me. I sometimes want to know how important I am to others even if I act like I don't care. So, I feel affected and at times wronged when I don't get instant replies or I don't sense that equality in terms of wanting to continue the conversation. Sometimes I over-think myself into emotional abyss and start hating the other person for not being able to satisfy my egocentric needs. Till now I still find myself too self-indulgent for my own good and I got to get pass that if I want to have something more with this person. I guess I should be way pass the age of shyness and I really got to earn it this time. I always give up too easily, and this time I'm not going to, even if I have to dao zhui, at least I made sure he is worth it. Hence, small teeny pitfalls will not deter me and I will not read too much into stuff and not give up upon every little obstruction. and hence i unlock and unleash HARDWORKING and PERSISTENT ZHOU into action, and may my engine never stop before I achieve my goal! WOOSH and GO ME!

Soul searching

Been doing some soul searching recently, coz apparently there are lots of things on my mind. Firstly, never complain before asking yourself whether you have made any contributions yet. This is in direct response to SUAD preparation and the mass of feelings surrounding it. I'm doing 3 items, BFS, Zhiwen's and Ahmad's. And in each item there are the stratas of Dam good, good and average dancers (it is somewhat good to know that there are no lousy dancers so at the very least I'm not lousy). I think it is easy to tell how much effort and thought that each dancer put into the performance by just looking at the dance itself. And very obviously I am not putting in enough effort to render me a good spot. Same goes to not making the cut for oschool recital. I don't spend 8 hours a day training up my stamina, working on my basics, practicing my choreography, it is gratifying enough that I get to dance on the same stage as some really awesome dancers like Thomas, Glenn and people like them. It then boils down to how much I want this experience and how good I want this experience to be. I like an easy chillax life but I also want to be in the spotlight at times, at concerts that I spend months attending practices for, I don't want to just be cleaning the curtains every single dance. Although nobody spells it out for you, but your blocking clearly reflects how important you are to the item, although by no order of merit. This feeling of not being good enough is everywhere, be it in school, in dance or in the pursuit of others. I am always half-hearted...always not pushing myself more to gain more...afraid of failure. And I still could talk about philosophy of dreams and happiness and life indignantly as if I am doing everything that I think should be done. Double standards much. I don't ever want to be a loser, I am quiet but I don't want to be hidden anymore. I don't want to be envious of other people anymore.

Just some complaints

Wow so long away from blogging I didn't even know about the change of layout here. Quite a clean and minimalistic one I'd say, not a fan of orange but it will do. Reminds me of the google layout a bit, that explains, isn't blogger somewhat google's? I'm not sure. Anyway, felt like blogging suddenly. I didn't blog about supposedly blog-worthy events such as YEP, exams, DU, beerfest and what not. Guess my brain just don't work in that way that I want to document every mentionable thing anymore. Kind of always work by the gut feeling when I feel like it it will happen. So here I am wanting to blog. Just this little thing that happened at dinner just now that annoys me to no end. This dude, BIG dude, offended me by being rude to my Dad. Well, my Dad being the soft big teddy bear he is, took no notice obviously, maybe that is his way of driving offenders crazy. But while I watched on the sideline, I wished I have sharp teeth which I can sink into the guy's neck and tear out his bloody neck as beastly as I could imagine. I admit, I have morbid thoughts and derive morbid pleasures out of blood and gore, well at least "well-made" ones. Then I went up and gave the guy the meanest and most provocative look I can get away with and there it gave me pleasure to see him fucking pissed. Maybe deep down I am a sucker for drama. Maybe deep down I should live in the woods not in this pretentious thing called civilisation. It just occurred to me that this man, way older than I am is pissed off by my obvious provocation, and till the end of the dinner he continues glaring at my Dad, if I had seen it, I would shove a finger in his face but I totally forgot about him over dinner until Dad told me. Not that I approve of my Dad's way of silent ignore, but I would feel inwardly annoyed much if I were that guy coz apparently my provocations are not being registered. But to me, a third party who secretly wishes for more drama, its not so nice, because there is no sense of moral civility towards people both way senior or way junior than you. That is something I was taught to respect my whole life, and it's super weird to see that nobody here knows about it. Don't these people go through moral education as well, despite thinking that the lessons are bullshit, but the teachings well, stuff that you would wish you could teach your kids, are good values to pass on, no? Like respecting your elders, being civil with small kids, or juniors. There is social expectations to adhere to in relation with people around you. And obviously this man decides to bear a grudge with me who is significantly his junior. It's like getting angry at a kid who just wants to piss you off. And there I realize how screwed up this society is. No offense really. But a society that requires the law to do the work of morality is pretty screwed up in my opinion. Not to say the conflicting views of the west and the east, the confused perception of themselves the people have here. I still have a problem with their twisted pride in not being able to speak and understand their own mother-tongue, I honestly despise it. This I have gone through so many times, trying to get over it but I can't. It's an outright refusal to accept your roots, no? Trying to deny your ancestry and inching closer to something seemingly "cool" but in no way part of your identification. And this is why I never really liked this society at all. To be continued...

Impresario 2012

Here's the end of this journey. It has been painful, and it was painful to know that it stops right here, it was painful to know that we could have the potential to go on, only just that everyone probably did not want it wholeheartedly anymore. It started out as a bid to challenge ourselves, to gain the good experience, it is still a great experience i will not deny it, i only feel disappointed as it did not end on a high and united note. well, life can't always be sweet, i learnt that. this journey really tested my sincerity for dance , and I am actually glad that this fall has spurred the passion to go on. Probably not wanting something bad enough is the reason why I do not win competitions, or matches, I always have fallback, and I always am very chillax about competition in general, kind of never really fought for something I really wanted, not because I don't fight, but because I don't want something so bad that I'd fight for it. It recurs in my life, and I'm not sure whether I want to change it or keep it. I should never force myself to be someone else, but I should always strive to improve...

seriously what's the point of staying here anymore. there. im not gonna stay in hall next sem.

誓

这世上我最爱的人是我的父母亲。我再也不做让他们担心伤心的事了，我发誓。

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

RANTS

打了两通电话，没人接，他们应该是放假。还有我比较中意你们发简讯给我，起床吃饭这种事不觉得太琐碎了吗，不用每通电话都问这些吧，不是说不让你们管我说我，但是不要做得那么烦闷好不好。一家人在一起的时候就各做各的，分开了就追命连环打电话，不难受啊，而且打来也只问些有的没的，换了是你们能不烦吗。以上是我的感觉，如果你们觉得我的感觉可以忽略不计那就不要理我，继续没趣下去吧。不要打电话给我！

is what I wanted to tell my parents after being rudely woken up by their phone calls. I am bloody sick and I want to have a couple more hours of sleep and I have to answer their irritatingly repetitive questioning about why I have to sleep so long!!! it's so frustrating that I cried out of frustration, it's like there's nothing I could do to get out of such emotional torture, if I argue I am 不孝, that's the equation they put on me, hello, no democracy and freedom of speech???

nuf said, I didn't send the sms eventually, considering they would feel
hurt and take it the wrong way and try harder to interact with me and call me
more, I shall bring this up when it's less damaging.

fucking hate to be sick.

and @stepf if u read this, don't question me cuz I hate it when ppl question my feelings.

the bkk trip was one of the worst trip I've ever had, I don't blame you, but that doesn't change the fact that I was very disappointed and felt let down many times. (I may regret saying this) but while you were out watching pingpong show I was crying my eyes out in the hotel room. I cry because even though I understand the situation I can't help feeling like shit. I cry because I never wanted to share the attention that I get, I never wanted only 50% of your attention (don't get all
defensive here, I know u tried).

lesson learned: never ever try to dump yourself in a situation that you have no control over. I should stop being so stupid and trust that everything will turn out just fine, because it doesn't work that way.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

chill pill

i guess this whole thing isn't really that important to me, and now that it feels kinda shitty is coz i expected ppl to be wowed by my creation but actually half-hearted work can never win any appraisals. I just feels kinda weird coz how did i come to think that that kind of effort can be put out and why was i so demoralized that i cannot make it any better?

ok i shall chill.

and start thinking about choreos for impresario.

and was glad that dismas praised me, happy. guess hard work pays off.

must work harder!

Rejected

It's time all these stopped. The part of me stopping myself should stop. It's time to pour in 110% to live fully. And rejection KMA, I don't feel you anymore, so you don't matter.

OOOH

Just realized I forgot to post this:



MY BABY!!!!
After finishing with it, I basically never touched it anymore, kinda felt really tired seeing it day after day for about a month. Gosh I took long to make this, I really need to be more efficient.

Oh dam

Identity crisis??

How I envy people like , , and . like the petite feminine sort of people, who kind of gets whatever they want? and i don't know, i over generalize, lead a pretty PRETTY life.

yea i get it, thanks for all the encouragement people, I have improved by leaps and bounds...but still...its peanuts compared to them people. And nobody gives a shit about me when I'm around them, I am sure, even though I am not around them, but I presume. Not that I want to be the centre of attention, actually I hate to be, I'd rather not be noticed most of the time, due to unconscious urge to blend-in...but I have come to learn that good looks make life easier, and hence, I am at a crossroad and having a slight identity crisis. what should i pursue now???? life of glamour, life that I envied endlessly? or the life that I lead, the comfortable, shit-i'm-too-lazy-to-dress-so-i-wear-my-pyjamas life? I like the latter, but the latter does not bring me exciting opportunities...sad to say...

but, the big-eyes, pout and squeeze boobs is really not my thing...i cringe at the thought of me doing it...

damn I should be a guy...guys really have it soooo much easier...

musings aside, CITY HUNTER is super nice! and the GUY, whatever his name is, is SOOO MY TYPE WAKAKAKA, many people's type Ithink, but WOAAAHHH, i drool...hahaha

And on a side note, I met this crazy old man in the novena underpass today, who used all words from the vulgar dictionary on me, and called me a bitch unfitting to be a lady. SHIT UR FACE man, I am so big hearted I did not reply any vulgarities but only told him to shuddup. WTH, scold me also must pay money one lor. I want to punch his face into the ground so badly but I humji coz I can't fight. Which leads me to my next endeavor, I shall learn some basic martial arts, to be prepared, just in case I meet such kiampa people, I dun have to hold back.

Dead fish syndrome

Dear blog,
I have neglected you for long, for I was enjoying my holidays doing work that I like very much. The reason for blogging at this time, while I am supposed to be at work, which I am, but I need to pen down these thoughts just in case this happens again, I have reference.

I am, I announce, experiencing DEAD FISH SYNDROME. I period of having no excitement, no dread, no passion, no dread, just deadfishfloatingkindofstuff. I don't know why this syndrom, but it just hit me and I am suffering badly.

It's different from having bad thoughts, bad feelings. It's like having no thoughts, no feelings, and it's so frightening!

I need to constantly source for excitement to keep myself away from this feeling, but being a boring shitty person like myself, I fail to sustain the enthusiasm, and fall back into the continuum of "floating along".

I want to achieve, at least accomplish something at the end of this internship, but at the rate I'm going, I am not so hopeful.

I don't know whether I am giving myself too high expectations and not delivering it, or just am I too chui, and not cut out for this line of work. I really don't know.

But I am glad that I had this experience and I wish I had made some contributions to the community here, because they really do inspire me alot. seeing them I want to be even more awesome. I really do.

I guess this dead fish syndrom is first step after being so awe-inspired, the self-reproaching stage and beating-myself-up-over-incapabilities...damn, i should stop feeling so self-important! damn.

feel like nu hou-ing again.

okay, back to work, i am going to finish building today's page!

Oh man, I'm feeling shitty after dance again, and I'm dreading work tomorrow.

I'M SO SO SO JEALOUS OF ALEX'S GIRLFRIEND! HMFFFFFFF!!! But can't do anything. Today Alex demo spotting, and he SPOT TMD ME, just blush and paiseh on the spot, grrrr

Mental note to keep stretching everyday and up my stamina and strength level coz really I am too nua, "like this how to audition?" wow thn u just run off halfway go holiday thn leave us to train by ourselves, I feel kinda betrayed :( but ew what can i do?? i'm gonna get better and better and better, until I am not scared anymore.

Yesterday was awesome tho, wack dance classes from 1130 all the way till 730, was not shagged, still can chiong to bugis to eat steamboat. but today is the nua, mostly coz of upset stomache and slight cramps and uurgh ill-treatment at dance.

cannot take it!! Alex is too awesome! i am friggin jealous :(:(:(

rarrr

this is frustrating

It is the recurring time of my life that I am feeling again NOT GOOD ENOUGH, for work, for dance, and for attaining inner satisfaction. I guess this is good because I want to be better now. and I did not realize that Alex has given me a platform to BE BETTER, until he scolded us, i think me especially, today. man, it still feels horrible, because I had taken for granted that he chose us, and that would mean we are good enough for his choreo, but no. he chose us because he thinks we can do it, but we must show him that we want it, I want it! I want to become a better dancer! Really. Dancing makes me feel more than I am, it takes me into realms of emotions that I in reality will not experience. I do want to do it, I really do. Despite all the setbacks, I cannot do a freaking damn turn without losing focus and falling apart. I cannot let go enough because I just can't. I quote myself "When in doubt, just whack" I must not lose faith in myself, and I must firmly believe that if I do it enough times, I will get it! When I first started dancing, I had no idea that I was entering a journey of hardship, endurance and discipline. Now I know, I am scared, but I am anything but a quitter. Come what may, I will emerge only stronger.

I refuse to go to work today because I am going to die flat and public infront of like 50 odd people of embarrassment actually. my slides are far from done omg, i am going to kill myself seriously i dun wanna go i dun wanna go i dun wanna go!

One way to measure maturity could be watching "Game of thrones" and not flinch at all. Yup I am mature alright.
"Game of thrones", till now I wonder why the appearance of the white monsters in the first episode, but other than that the story is getting better. Lots of fucking (fuoking as they pronounce it), blood, gore and violence, really lots of it. It is the story of an epic kingdom fueled by love and hate that intertwines among seven families. oh and not to mention, incest, one of the anchors of the story, prince of the kingdom is the son of the queen and her brother, wtf. Just luan qi ba zao the relationships. Anyway, yar, there are lots and lots of blood and violence, and just the last episode, one annoying character just died with molten gold on his head. which is quite funny coz he was threatening his tribal queen sister about getting his traded army from her tribal husband, he want his crown and blah blah blah. he is really super irritating and always talking about being a king and getting his kingdom back, and being super cruel to his sister. and fittingly he was killed by his own lack of lovable qualities I think.
I find these medieval serials very attractive suddenly and I'm venturing into genres that I used to avoid, like violence and horror. Now I think it is equally difficult ot make a good horror movie as a good comedy movie, to avoid getting cheesy and all. Did I mention I watched "THE Exorcist" all by myself, because my Dad decide to pangseh me 5min into the show, I bet he was secretly scared, but haha.

okay. last night was dumb. i swear i will not club again.

let's just say my course is not the wrong course, but there are more righter courses which were not available at the time of decision 2 years ago. Now what choices do I have??

I lost 2 things and I really don't feel anything

First thing I lost: a friend. not a friend anymore though.
How to lose a friend?
Stop caring.
Why lose a friend?
Too much disappointment and too many promises broken.
How did it feel?
Nothing.

The first person I have decided to 绝交. Peacefully, and one-sidedly. Shall make it a point to be the last.

Second thing I lost: my speakers.
Oh man, second time I lose something on the cab. Forgot to bring it down after I heaved out my huge suitcase. Lost count of the number of luggages I have. was just too tired to be alert I guess. Freaking spent after dance class today, freaking full-out*one hundred million times. Alex is sadistic. Gonna miss taking his classes after the course ends. Oh well, onward to pole-dancing!! weee

Yes shifted back to my lovely room. its damn cozy and nice now, and wonderful aircon I love you to bits. Haaaa...so awesome to have this break to nua and do my own thing at home. And jobs will come later. looking forward to a week of relaxation.

i am sometimes quite insensitive :(

thoughts

just some random thoughts that i want to jot down:

who am I kidding when I tell people I don't need a relationship. Yes actually I don't need a relationship, but I need love. and I figure it's about time that I go out and find it. It's not sufficient a reason anymore, that I don't have because I didn't go out to find. It is precisely why you don't have, because you didn't bother to find. And now the focus is, why didn't you find? Because I thought I didn't need one, but now I reckon I do need, and so I will remind myself timely that I should, and proactively so, find.

which brings me to my second thought, I will find someone with equal or higher intellectual levels, because it'd be boring with someone not. and by intellectual levels, it does not refer to only academic, but the wholesome intelligence collected over 20+ years of living and experiencing. Read, wholesome. Not that I judge my parents, but the knowledge gap is big, and it is unfortunate for the higher level because it's always colder and lonelier for the one on top. and not so lonely for the one lower because there's abundance and ignorance. Really, I'm not judging, but I will not repeat it in my relationship.

And I lament again at why people would rather live and skirt around when there's an obvious big fat elephant in the room. I hate such situations. if I can and not come across as rude, I will point it out and say "shit u, there's a big fat elephant, why don't we get it out and carry on with our lives", won't that feel a lot easier and how will being the first to point it out be related to your pride in anyway???? I don't get it. well I do, but I think everybody should just live life with more honesty and seriously have straighter innards.

which brings me to the topic of promise and commitments. seriously, I quote from some movie I've watched "words fall from our mouths and die at our feet". Not to mention that we talk a lot of really useless shit (there are good shit), we promise and take our promises toooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO very lightly that one shouldn't even call it a promise anymore! And especially when the promise is monetarily or emotionally attached, because these are the two things people are jumpy and serious about. If you can't meet that promise, don't make it! If you made a promise, keep it! It's commitment made to someone, and it only goes to show that the someone don't matter a shit if your promise don't matter a shit. Refering to ongoing situation, if I ever gonna be a tenant at someone's house, I will hand in my rent on the dot, best that I can. I will prepare the rent days ago, put it in an envelope and give it to my landlord the first chance I can. If I am in a difficult situation, I will take my initiative to tell my landlord that I am tight, and I will give it in with details of date and time that I know that I will be able to fulfill. Ever heard the story of the kid who cried wolf? You only have 3 chances before your credibility is gone. It's either your credibility doesn't matter to you or the person doesn't matter to you.

and brings me to punctuality. I am cutting this bad habit of being late. and I hope my friends whom I go out with will cut it too. because time is important, I could have spent that time waiting for you doing something else, and of course vice versa. I will wait and be understanding if you were held up for countable good reason, I will take it personal, I will take it that I don't mean a shit to you, if you just did not bother to turn up because you overslept, you couldn't get your ass to move, you were LAZY! omg I hate that as an excuse. not saying that I am perfectly punctual all the time, in fact I was late for many times for many things, and I feel super guilty coz it's like having double standards. I will kick it. I very very will.

not forgetting to mention feedly, this awesome chrome extension. I love it to bits! I could read all my favourite feeds all at one place. and tumblr, god i love tumblr. yup off to reading interactive computer graphics! i only have 6 more days to exam.

PS:
forgot to add, the reason why I wanted to blog today. Watched "Maid in Manhattan" for the probably 4th time, because it was showing on HBO, god I love that channel. It's an inspiring movie! the point of the movie makes me understand that one shouldn't be judged by the work he/she does, referring to the less desirable jobs. Because it only happens to certain people to be lucky enough to actually end up doing something he/she wanted. Most people don't have a choice. Because reality is never a choice. And when I graduate, I would have to be able to put food on the table, to pay my bills, to buy myself all the stuff that I wanted. Because one should be accountable for oneself. And although being a maid is by some social standards not a proud career choice, it does not give anyone the slightest reason to judge their character based on their jobs, and neither give anyone the excuse to neglect basic manners and respect.

Secondly, the movie strengthened my belief that it definitely pays to stay real and not a phony. It really is a lot easier and phonies are irksome.

thirdly, being REALLY good (not in comparative sense, but absolute sense) at what you do, is only the quickest way to get you somewhere.

and that movie made my day. yay

OLLO

I haven't written a post in a long time (the previous post doesn't count). And here I feel that I have something I need to pen down or type out, after watching this:



I mean, haven't this become a cliche? that we talk so much about it, about seizing the moment, about being the best you can while you are at it. And whenever I hear about it, think about it, I ask whether I am doing it? I answer no. Why is it so difficult to pick up and just do something that you know you want to do it? Why bother doing things that don't matter? why think that that someone will always be there? I don't know, this way of life is too embedded and too difficult to change. I wish I had taken up alot more things just so fail at it, really. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, at least I have tried, and even though I fail at it once, twice, I still do enjoy it, don't I? I have no regrets getting lousy CAP since year 1 sem 1, coz now I can tell you how it feels to have an impetus, and having a lousy CAP is by no means any sin, and by no means any measure of my character (it only says I wasn't into studying in year 1). oh god, but what about that amazing person I want to be???? When do I begin being that person?? When do I start being me?? I find myself amazing, at times, but only at times. I do think I am rather selfish and narcissistic possibly, and maybe too anal and judgmental most of the time. I realize this is a jumpy post, as if I am talking to myself, which I did about 2 hrs ago coz i was bored from studying HUman Resource Management, I began talking to myself, and I rather liked talking to myself except I always derail and end up talking about something totally irrelevant. I rather be the listener when talking to other people, this doesn't mean I have nothing to share, I just want to know more about other people than I want them to know about me, but if they wanna know more about me, I guess I will disclose with no inhibitions and that probably will be a little bit scary and awkward coz i just say whatever comes to mind, and don't remind me how i was telling this cute junior about my urine test, i was appalled by myself. anyway, back to mugging.

Fake shit

I abhore hall. All the glamour, fun and bullshit family away from home, is at the end, just bullshit. I want my peace and quite and maybe just one soulmate, i dunnid so many fake shit so-called friends, I'm sorry I am irritated, but yes I dun want the fake shit people who circulate around like flies hovering around shit. it is tiring and it drains the shit out of me, and I fucking don't like it.

a feeling that is neither here nor there

I feel tons of things and nothing at the same time. Life throws me weird things and weird situations. I'm torn between the facade of hall life and reality of real family and real friends and a real life. I don't know, sometimes things are just there within my reach, I know I could grasp it if I just reached out, but I am timid, I am shy, I choose to stay in my shell and wait for it to take me by force and sweep me off my feet. I'm sorry I may appear aloof, cock up, whatever...

anw second command in hall, i cry because i hate departures, and i hate the aftermath of crying. renying not staying already, one less real friend in hall, already missing all the late night runs and suppers with her. :( sad that benedict is gone too. just like how gerald sim is gone and he didn't come back. :(

back to webcasts i guess, only real thing that I have in my hands now are them, homework and knowledge...let the fleeting come to me...and my eyes cannot open anymore...

I swear this is the worst

this is the worst feeling ever, I am slowly giving up my integrity and pride in change for academic marks, and I am afraid that I'd get caught. I feel like just throwing it all away and depend on me myself and code it out using my own knowledge, skills and whatsoever. Been asking myself, whether this is what I really want? and each time I answered yes, so why do I no thrive in it? Because of laziness? too much pride to handle failure? I am all torn up because this really is what i want to do, and now I am afraid of it...I keep telling myself "prize to the person who don't give up", guess I just did when I decided I will rely on someone else's code just to get myself through this assignment. I have no morals, I have no self, I have no face to tell myself that I am proud of who i am. yet, I really find no drive to push myself through this by myself anymore....someone save me....

dance is my escape, i wanna dance till all this, goes away.......

aha

i run away and hide :D
looking forward to hols.
earn money and learn things.
awesome possumzzz

i dont wanna fall into the same situation again

zwy stay strong. don't cry, don't be sad, be focused, and concentrate on fulfilling yourself. mark clear your goals and don't be distracted. if it's meant to be, it will be. go go jiayou!

outlet

one should be grateful to have outlets for emotions. i am grateful i have people who listens to my shit, and tries to clear the shit for me; i am grateful for inanimate objects that will put up with whatever shit i have, even though i seldom go down this route. NO this is not an emo post, i was merely pissed off earlier. guess i should be thankful that at least they brought it upfront, not behind my back, i absolutely hate that and cannot stand it. If only everybody is more frank and more open about their own opinions, i think the world might be a little bit better. imagine voicing out ur disagreements when u really do disagree with something, straightforward like a fucking straightline right, makes things so much simpler for everybody. even if facing strong opposing forces, u try to disagree as strongly, even if in the end you don't get your way, at least the other party knows that u disagree, and with some conscience and understanding, they can do some compromise to accommodate, at least they have the option. if you don't voice out at all, and choose to suffer in silence thinking how self-sacrificing you are, you are messing up all the straightlines, and making it more complicated than it should be, which is dumb. i sometimes feel some people nowadays really take their own promises too lightly, and credit really dun mean a shit anymore. i miss the time when people really honour their words, the best horse cannot chase back a gentleman's promise. seriously the honorable human qualities are disappearing. once again, i am not emo, i am not unhappy, i am just lamenting how warped the world is. not saying that im right all the time, or this time round, but even a bit of "hey i got ur back" kind of thing would have been great, where's our sense of community if we even have one to begin with.

KRDP is awesome

its over...sigh of relief that it went awesome and well and ended nicely with a proposal. omg it's a sight of human emotional uproar...idk how to put it into nicer words, i just kept crying and crying nonstop because its just tear-beckoning. on a personal note, i feel accomplished, i rmb telling myself that i want to be part of DU after watching it last year, and here I performed in KR's first ever dance production and it feels awesome to follow something through from beginning to end. and performing on stage is exhilarating, the adrenaline, the energy, the attention, i want them all over and over again!Next time, I want THE LIMELIGHT!And being part of something so big and wonderful is, and forever, special and inscribed in memory. i will continue dancing, and become an awesome dancer, because dancing makes me feel alive, and everyone should dance, the most beautiful physical emotion. i feel humbled and awesome at the same time. dddddd!

ZWY wth are u doing???

ZWY wth are you doing???
You are not focussed, u are procrastinating, u are everything but the thing that you want to be. Do you think that ur time is neverending? what if today's the last day u have?? what if you don't wake up tmr?? why are u wasting time doing things that don't matter? what do you want out of this life??? u have gone through qlc, and you know what you want, OBVIOUSLY, and yet, what have you done about it?? nothing?? u are a pile of useless living piece of shit. u don't push urself for anything? din u want to make tons of good friends? and what have you? playing emo and aloof in one corner waiting for people to approach you? u completely know how to go out and be yourself, and yet time and time again, u coop urself up in that useless cage and refuse to go out. what the fucking shit are u doing??? i am appalled at you, and i am angry at you. whatever u have now reflects who u are, and what u don't have u want but don't have also reflects who you are. its not about looks, not about money, not about what u wear and what u carry, it's about what you do, what you say, how you do it and how u say it. u have a conscience, and u know that whatever u are doing now, is not good for yourself. please, always be humble and proactive, that is what u should be. always...not just infront of people, always, all the time...zwy, time is not gonna wait for you...u know that and u will do that. and be that awesome person u want to be. stop stopping halfway and not finishing what u started. zwy discipline, discipline. don't make me do this again.

ralala

i exclaim once again that time pass so freaking fast that it pisses me off. its recess week already yo, and DP is in just 2 weeks time, to think the first prac for DP was during culture night period, omg, so long ago!
I joined DU combined item, and hopefully SAD too, shall zam dance perf this sem coz next sem most likely not staying in hall anymore, so just ZAM.
dance every day nxt week, I am excited...amazingly. and I can't wait to appear on stage in my air stewardess costume, :D, midrift ftw.
need to apply internship soon.
need to study more.
what else
my grandmother is flying back soon. I totally havn't spent much time with her this time, and I am guilty of intentionally escaping from her, coz idk, sometimes she could be a little too intense, and too much sadness for me to bear i thought. but i am regretful most of the times, coz who's to say there will be a next time? emo...i want to spend my days at home suddenly...but at least she's coming to watch me perform on stage, i would give my best even if it's just to give her something to remember of me...
i feel the weight of so many things, responsibilities that fall on you, that you take up, that u unwillingly take up, that you want to throw away but cant...yadda yadda and more...I find my escapism in watching movies that once inspired me, that gives me the push to pursue my dream...such will keep me going.
everyone is going through some mindless boggling time now i feel, and such escapism as movies and dance keeps us sane...thank god for these precious times.

woosh

time flies, and its been so long since i last blogged, rocky horror show...seems like so long ago...even Taiwan seemed so long ago. seriously, life is getting on my nerves, can things ever please slow down for a sec, and lemme take it in slowly?? things change, people changed, I changed...I'm glad I've had this blog for so long, I constantly need to check back to regain myself, tell myself who I am...where my bearings are.

I wonder whether it is social pressure or what not, I suddenly feel like I want a boyfriend, like seriously want one coz I want one not because everybody else has one. I guess it's probably time, I grow up so slowly I want to slap myself. But this is genetics, my Mom and Dad are childish people even at their age, I really shouldn't be blamed.

it's hard to take in what people think of me now, some part of me wants to answer to their expectations and be what they expect me to be. I know visually I have improved somewhat and shifted mainstream, but I am still that mix of boyish and girly piece of shit I ever was. looking back, I wonder why did I take the asexual path I took years back, probably coz of rebellion, going the extreme coz parents dun want me to become a vain kid, so I just became a boy. I was suddenly reminded of sec3 pasts, about tyler, and the online friends that I got to know...just bittersweet memories of growing up...my youthful days, I now view with respect...how did I ever dared to do all those things, I have no idea...

...
i am appalled by myself...i signed up for twitter...i have no morals...
twitter turn out to be exactly what i thought it was, an eviler version of facebook, much more...it allowed me to see how bored everybd is and how much attention people need to live on...i am appalled that i broke my abstinance and i am such a loser to succumb to curiosity and equal yearn for attention.

My Sweet Transvestite

Went to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Yijun just now. I feel surreal now, like can't remember whether I really did watch it. Probably cause my second best seats were in the second level, the stage was far away. Should totally get first level front seats so can interact with the characters, it was damn funny. Oh well, no complains, it was a good musical, anyway, and I had a great time. The cast really look like nothing down-stage, like normal, and the main tranny was a huge muscular man, just cannot make the link. will watch it again when chance comes. apparently people watch it over and over again, and do things like flashing their torchlights during the song (something about lights), and people throw toilet paper up onto the stage, just that it wasn't like everybody doing it, only a couple, would have been awesome if I could throw something too, but I was too far. great show great show

MIDRIFT

i am going to die of embarrassment because I have to bare my pale fat stomach to the whole world for DP, with fluttering thighs thrown in along. god help me, gimme amazing abs in 2 months, and resilience against attacks of the taiwan.

going to taiwan in counting just 5 days! omg, i am numbed with excitement. I feel like one million things, i feel like a bottle of half-drunk yoghurt smoothie. aha. bet u cant understand that. my intellectual exceeds u beyond longing reach.

back home aft one week of hall, ha, the recharge centre, except for constant drum of pessimistic grandmother talk, i love home. cant imagine if i cant get NOC next yr and not staying in hall no more, my life will be devoted to the singapore transport system. no f u, no.

im sorry this is an aimless post, because my brain is in a hunger spree, from starving myself, no lunch but yoghurt smoothies. fml. well in exchange for the meat sale, i get to keep the sponsored chio white LOJEL luggage. im easily bought i realized.

i look like a retard while dancing

I am obsessed with the dance prac videos, I review them like a hundred million times and I ridicule myself each and everytime. ok, sometimes I smug a little when I did smth when I thought I couldn't do. BUT, largely, most of the time, I look retarded, mother shit, I am pissed with myself. I neeeed to lose weight, wtf, fat shit, I look like double everybody else's size, and I move SLOWWWWW, omg, feel like slapping myself into shape and slapping myself into quick movements. Rarr, pissed with myself.

1/1/2011

ahh how nice, the first day of 2011. I totally don't feel anything different. Fireworks last night was awesome, love fireworks, so visually stunning. I am a visual person btw. and JESS, we survived the test, and onward to TAIWAN!!!

ahh, i am not trying to be racist, but waking to malay tunes at a malay wedding down at the voideck, not necessary the most poetic thing to start off the year, and listening to it the whole day is increasingly annoying. I wonder whether any concern for the community is there when they hold their wedding. Not trying to dampen their spirits or anything, but its just noisy.

anyway, been reading the book Wild Swans by Doctor Jung Chang, made me think alot differently about my parents, and myself, and ultimately my country. I am indeed lucky to be born after the terrifying years of internal struggle, of famine, of Cultural Revolution, of the personality cult of Mao ZeDong. Several times I was brought to tears by the images the book presented, about how far humanity was stretched in times of total obscenity. How Mao had manipulated the people for the worst just to remain in control. I wonder whether he ever regretted his decisions, because being a man in power, his one word could have repercussions so farreaching, even I, not born in his time of power, lived under his influence and had my life lived directly in reaction to him. The fact that I have no siblings is because of him, the fact that I am in a foreign is again because of him, the fact that I look back to a painful past in my country is also very much because of him. Once again, it is ultimately annoying when u can't hate someone completely and indignantly, despite his wrongs, he had his rights that were equally undeniable. It's hard to find an equilibrium for the feelings I have about him.

Not given a choice actually, we all who were born in China have to carry the consequences of choices made before us.

Meh I can't believe I am still pissed at the Indian owner of the second hand book store, he freaking blindly charge me so much for 3 torn and tattered books, I might as well go buy new ones right. Granted that they are literature and a copy of HP7, but fact is they are really in bad conditions and you have so many copies of each that the price is just outrageous, somemore the books might just sit thr forever, you never know when you will meet the next buyer what, what a lousy business man. The last time I sold my books to that store they bought at 1 dollar each WTF just kena ripped off, Whr got ppl so shamelessly charge so high and try to earn 600% profit from second hand books. Obviously they don't get the concept of selling second hand books, the main point is to sell it damn freaking cheap so that the copy can be circulated and not go to waste sitting on shelf and yellow. Aargh, I wish I had the guts to yell at the guy, and demand my cheap torn books and emerge victorious from this battle of finding the dirt cheap good stuff, shit. I wish I had the guts to ask him to stop singing 'thank u's, freaking fake and patronizing, somemore can tell me 'I am the boss, I set the price' fuck u la, must be u murdered the kind old Indian man who ripped me off last time but sold me books at dirt cheap price, and took over the shop right. Unbelievable man, this is NOT the way to run a second-hand store! It is not about profits anymore okay!

Damn freaking cold sitting outside nlb, it's probably colder than sitting inside, aaargh.
Ranting makes me feel better, although still very cold!!!!

QLC like totally conquered!

At age 21, I have a dream.
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!

I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.

Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.

At age 21, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.

These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.

I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.

Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...

each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.

Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.

I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.

I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!

The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.

Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!

I have a DREAM!

what's that word again? oh yes, smothered. I FEEL SMOTHERED. LIKE I CANNOT BREATHE!
sadly, my family is killing me slowly as they unconsciously try to SMOTHER me. zzz. i need my independence, i need my freedom, NOC come quick!

ehehe this is pretty funny, just watch the full one, kind of lame funny. I really wanna be in this

perfectionist

i can't stand it when people talk to me in sugar-coated ways or having some agenda. why can't people just cut straight to the point omg. idk sometimes i get the feeling that they are trying to impress me, but all the more i am unimpressed, just you know say what u really want to say???? do i look like i am a three year old who needs to be cajoled, or worse be explained to in simple-belittling-language, into believing something??? would i mind if u are really a boring person and u tell me that u are a boring person?? no. i will mind if u are a really boring person but keep trying to bore me by telling me u are not boring. rarr. its so hard to be a nice person! i want to be nice and smiling and gentle, but no, world allows me no choice to be nice, i can only blame my screwed up genetics maybe. "no kitchen very hot one" wtf...simigl...i am not 3 years old please..........

Childish

My Dad is angry at me for nothing, if that is what is seems to be. And honestly I can't be bothered to find out what nothing is. I dunno, call me defiant or unfilial, I really just had too much of it. I just don't care anymore. Although it still somewhat upsets me, because it makes me feel inadequate, afar from the ideal daughter he has in mind. I'm sorry I'm so useless that I can't impress you in any ways, let alone live up to that expectation. I tried, but failed, I am as imperfect as I am perfect. I like the way I am, chill and carefree, and I don't want to be tied down by EXPECTATIONS wtf. It's like the more I try to break out of it, the tighter it holds on, and coming from my own parents. Is it fair to expect someone else to do your job when you can't do it? It is not fair, but it doesn't hurt for a couple of times, but it is not fine if you blame that someone for failing at a task that you should do? Idk, it's my father I'm talking about. Sometimes I am resentful for all the indirect pain he caused me. Like growing up in a foreign country, and growing up among peers younger than me. I didn't have a say in anything, and I had to bear with all the pain of those decisions. I know it sounds selfish and childish now that I am putting blames on my Dad when his intentions were nothing but good, and he for sure went through so much more than me, but I'm sorry I can't help it, if I can't express it here, I will implode with it. Who knows who would I have become if I were back home? Probably some successful prodigy in everything, who knows. But now, at such senior age, I try to pick up things I should have started learning 10 years ago? Perseverance much? Sometimes it just weighs on me, and I feel so inferior. Compared to who I could have been. Sigh. Be angry at me by all means if it makes you happier, younger, whatever. I just don't fucking give a damn.

Ramble on

I have no idea how I spent my last week. yes I had two camps back to back, but now it just seems like a misty memory that I sometimes ask whether I made that all up. Memory failing like fk. but anyways, rekindled enthusiasm for windsurfing, which I still think its damn cool, and was glad that the peeps there are kind of funny and friendly. eat, sleep, windsurf...hehe.

results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.

have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.

finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.

my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.

well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.

phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.

fuck sian

i dance like a retard

Exams long over

never ever go on a holiday with a passport like mine, it is so much trouble, and anxiety and determination and more trouble. I feel bad to have my friend put up with all the shit my passport issues cause me and subsequently us. Thn again, I have never had a trip like this before, I am determined to make it happen. Also, I need to earn money, but school stuff, more precisely hall stuff is making it difficult, I don't even know the FULL schedule yet, zomg...money money, I NEED money, and I am not a rich kid even though I always fantasize so, but I am a poor kid so I should behave like a poor kid and start earning money, start saving on meals and starving myself, start running errands for money, start being extremely cautious with money. Why the revelation? I fussed about how envious I am towards other kids who are so much more privileged, money and all, seems like their lives are so much fun and joy and glam, and mine just pales into boredom and planktonity. But what can I do man? I am not like them, I am not them, I can only live within my means! ZWY, please get this into your head, u are not like them, u are underprivileged and it is OK, stop feeling inferior because of this, start working hard for yourself, and for your parents who put up with multiple times of my negativity when they worked for a better life for me. rants. start saving more money and read more books you idiot moron.

I AM SUPER DEPRESSED

THN AGAIN MAYBE NOT SUPER(EMPHASIZE) DEPRESSED, BUT I AM DEPRESSED. I CANNOT GO JB WITH MY BLOCK AGAIN(UNDERLINE). NOT THAT I SO LOOK FORWARD TO GOING OUT WITH MY BLOCK, BUT SECOND TIME IN A ROW MAN, CROSS MY HEART I AM SO SUEI. I SHALL NOT BLAME THE SOURCE OF MY MISERY BECAUSE IT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL, BUT I FEEL SO DEPRIVED BECAUSE OF THIS. I AM SOCIALLY HANDICAPPED WOEFULLY DOUBLED BY THIS SHORTCOMING. O.M.G.I AM REDUCED TO WORM STAGE TO BE ONLY ALLOWED TO WORK AND NO JOY. THIS IS MY LIFE. MY WORKFILLED LIFE OF NO HAPPINESS NO FUN AND NO LOVE. IF I CAN CRY I WILL CRY MYSELF A RIVER TO DROWN MYSELF IN.

As a reply to the previous post

hey hey, I am feeling happy and excited again. Geez, mood swing much.

I don't know, got a message from my friend telling me how she's going to experiment with her new shampoo coz it kind of has a cooling effect, somewhat like the one we had during my last haircut, which made me want to instantly get my hands on one of those.

Now, I have something to do. Aha, get my hands on that bottle of crazy brain freezing shampoo!

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Have this sense of disintegration lately, dun really know how to put it into words, just this feeling of "modularity" maybe, that everything is disconnected from each other. "modularity" may not be the best word, coz it's supposed to be desirable, computing-wise, but breaking my life down into blobs and parts is totally not making me happy. I am actually tired of my life, really tired, to the point that I do not want to wake up to each new day.

Because, honestly, my life is boring. It is harsh but yes, it is boring. And it bothers me even more when those people that I perceive as undeserving seem to have a more enjoyable life than me.

I kept telling myself that I don't have the means to own those joys yet, and it is not right to splurge using my parents' money, although I do spend quite a bit on this and that. But, my life nowadays is really just me and my laptop. I feel no passion, no connection, no life. I thought I could love what I am doing, but I just don't feel this love at all.

But then again, it's not worth it if it's not difficult. And loving something don't come to you just like that, who am I to be so privileged? Anything I want, I have to work for it, if not, it is not worth wanting. Branded stuff? Shopping?? pfft...out of mind and out of the window, whatever that can be bought with money will arrive when money start to arrive. And I totally need to get into the game to grab all that money.

Have to adjust this laid-back attitude of mine, how can I get myself out there if I am always falling back into my crib, into the harmless embrace of home? I need to get myself out there, scarred, wounded and learned. If not, what's the point of living?

Been listening to the song "If I die young", it is not as depressing as the title suggests, but then again, sometimes it is. "I've had just enough time". No I don't, I have so much time, that I could afford to waste them. Isn't it ridiculous in all senses? I even made a wallpaper out of a quote "waste time and all you are wasting is yourself". Bloody hell, that is bloody smack on the face. But I think I need harsh words and harsh actions, because in my whole life, everything is wrapped around softly and lovingly, I have no anger nor drive in me to do anything great.

while I know that I can do great things, I totally can, I just need to get myself out there.

去死吧 啦啦啦

2.欢迎光临

老师说 天生我才必有用
老板说 你这蠢材 没路用
每天重覆着说欢迎光临
到底 算不算是一种才艺
我很着急 还要重覆着说 欢迎光临
多久才能得到一点尊敬
最讨厌这个社会太不公平
最讨厌老板活像个神经病
把自己当皇帝 把员工当奴隶
没事乱发脾气 有事不见人影
自以为了不起 碎碎念大道理
谁不知道你有的只是运气
所以你去死吧 别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧 别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
本是同根生 相煎何太急
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意 但求无愧我心
牧师说上帝是公平的来信靠祂吧
比尔盖兹说well，人生是不公平的习惯接受吧
我当真有十万个为什么为什么
为什么要长那么多那么多青春痘
为什么我不会打篮球 不能当model
为什么电脑坏了要我修 唱KTV没有约我
最讨厌没有女朋友 最讨厌听到分手的理由
你星座跟我犯冲 你老母太难伺候
个性不合无法沟通 性别不合难以强求
你的世界我不能懂 你的手机我不能碰
你不爱我勉强接受 爱我朋友谁不发疯
转载来自 ※Mojim.com　魔镜歌词网
所以你去死吧 别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧 别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
天涯何处无芳草 何必单恋一枝花
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意 但求无愧我心
我妈说 人哪 要穷的有骨气
老婆说 小孩没钱买玩具
我以为每天拼命工作的人 总有天享乐
谁知道 做到死也没人给我慰问
每天忍这个(忍这个) 忍那个(忍那个)
忍到吐血还被当成垃圾
最讨厌看到跑车 最讨厌贵妇的眼神
最讨厌听到有钱人说他不快乐
我想请问 你要的快乐到底有多快乐
那么不满足的人干脆去扒粪
如果你像我水深火热 在烂泥里打滚
你的要求和欲望就不会 再那么愚蠢
所以你去死吧 别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧 别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
千金难买早知道 万般无奈皆可抛
欢迎光临 谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意 但求无愧我心

queer

I have to watch this gay sitcom/drama wadever for my paper due next week, zomg, culture shock. It's weird to see one guy smooching another guy, usually one older and one in his teens, and saying things like "im gonna fuck you all night". culture shock. I have nothing against gays or lesbians, it's just sexual orientation smth we hav no control about. But why do we have homonegativity?? especially against gays and less towards lesbians? I've only just realized that the lumping feeling I sense in my guts is socially inculcated, something I am totally neutral about, but conditioned to feel so by all sorts of influences. ok as long as it's two humans smooching, I have no problem.

eee sian, i think my dance so seh, nua like a piece of shit. jialard. how to perform lidat, nobody want to look at me!
Hardcore, JIAN FEI plus abs training, plus dance pracs. I don't care, I must at least be good at smth i want to be good in.

Whatever

I shall not take any negative feelings. Let them bounce away. Negativity is a waste of energy. If it's tiring, and u wonder why u take it up in the first place, don't, scrap that thought, it's a waste of mind energy. I don't understand how people can keep up a pretense that is so real. What's wrong with showing grumpiness when u are really grumpy? Why laugh so heartily when u are actually brooding negativity? So contradicting! And I'm glad u didn't flare up even though u felt like it, coz it would have hurt, but on the other hand, it might have been better if u did, coz I can then confront u in the face, thn I wouldn't have to dissipate this hating u because u hate me thing. Anyways, dwelling in such a mind is of no use. I am going to conquer what's infront of me, coz that's the only task I need to take care of, I don't have to bother about hunger, cold, having no roof over my head, all I need to think of is how to do my assignment well, isn't that a blessing already? And the trust that my dad has in me, I must take it seriously, even if that means i have to drag myself up everyday, exhausted or not, because my dad's trust is worth it. Now I feel a little better, and if u my fren happen to read this, stop being such a phony, and show me ur true feelings if u deem me as a real friend.

noooo

i am mother tired after screwing up my practical exam as usual, mugging the whole night away in the library. I am further pissed off from reading the article about the feminine mystique. I have a million things to study. and opening facebook to see the strawberry game photo just turn off, hate facebook, hate strawberry game.

Hey~~~ It's my birthday!

I am **!!! zomg freaking old!
I sincerely thank all my lovely friends who wished me well one way or another. Im not a birthday person, don't so much celebrate it really, but I enjoyed the birthday song and presents and the time u guys spent to do it. I gan dong many many :)

Since I am so freaking old alr, I nid to have goals in my prime years which are short and gonna end soon. soon my prime will be over haiz.

THis upcoming year, I want to be damn good in what Im passionate about, my course, my dance, myself, and family and friends. And maybe probably if luck favours me, get a cute boyfriend, but that can't be compelled, so it's just fate. And i want tone and long legs to complement my toned and beautiful body which I happen to want to achieve too.

So yup, more discipline pls u old woman, and pls pls pls manage ur tell better. and pls pls pls learn some ways of the world so that u don't come across as a small kid.

Why is it so weird to listen to sex talk while

with parents around. As much as I try to pull a straight face, it is just weird.

It is universally weird! But why??

Is it because Parent’s carnal pleasure = me?

Is it weird for them when I’m around when they listen to sex talks…..

No I’m not obsessed about sex.

Oh, and back to my stupid 2000 word essay.

wtf

this is what i call spoil market : http://blog.nus.edu.sg/iamhexuan/
she freaking can do all adobe stuff, plus maya plus this and that, no need to take nm2208 alr wad. zzzz. she machiam come in and teach pls. And woalah, she has been freelancing since secondary school, make me question what have i been doing? ccb.
OK! I am gonna work mf hard....

zooms

And here I am, all alone in the lobby.

Been one year and a little bit more since I joined KR, (no this is not a overflowing sentimental post), just feel that despite the time and frustrations sometimes, and the wee expensive fees, there are really more priceless things that couldn’t be bought. I don’t regret the decision, but I think it’s time for a change..

Photos!

Before I sloth my night away in java and linked lists, I shall post my beautiful photos. :D

Just received it in the post, my grandpa spent a few hundred RMB just to send it over…zzz…there should be discounts for senior citizens!

    

Yup. Although the poses and the dresses and the settings are, KITSCHY, yes this is a new word I’ve learnt from school, but I am just chio. I mean, Look at THAT! ignore the big-small eyes, they are due to bad eye make up and the fake eyelash dropping down.

Anyhow I think every girl should have an album like this. It makes you feel good about yourself. Or if you don’t need it to help you feel good, you can always show it off to those who don’t have.

Dreams Dreams Dreams Dreams

If I could, I would totally just live in my dreams, it’s much more exciting than real life as I am living right now. Last night’s dream is still revolving in my mind, and I would give anything to make it come true.

The story goes largely like this:

My sudden desire to go to Japan, I felt as if I had to go, for some reason I cannot explain. So I managed to convince someone, and my parents, somehow, and yes I was heading to the airport in a huge taxi containing people in different sizes, literally. And so I arrived in Japan, and I roam around speaking my broken Japanese, until I met this guy whose name I remember vaguely was Hanto. So he happened to be able to read my sign languages and he brought me around, until at night I had to find a hotel to settle down, he offered his home. I gladly accepted seeing no visible danger I followed him to his house and this is where the story start to get exciting.

Hanto belong to a family of many many family members, each has their own special abilities, but all damn goodlooking, wakakka, its MY dream. The feel is like watching some anime, somewhat like Fushigi Yuugi, like you are surrounded by talented good-looking people who all happen to be interested in the boring you. That sounds very Otaku-ish. but nvm it doesn’t happen in reality, but it can happen elsewhere. So begins my interesting trip in Japan’s mysterious world!

I went to their amusement park, which is hideously designed and horrifyingly fun. The most memorable one is one where a handful of people lie about in the centre of this muddy disk, and then the disk will start turning, and there will be short walls that overlap each other with a small gap in between. As the disk turns faster and faster, we will start spinning around together with the mud, and naturally will collapse into the short walls, the main point is to slide yourself through the gaps in between and find the slide that leads back to the ground, not all gaps lead you to a slide, that’s the catch. Basically alot of spinning.

Those were the ones that I am sure had been in my dream, but I have that feeling that my dream is definitely more than that, just that I can’t remember, it is a magical dream, and I remember the first thought I had after opening my eyes is to make this dream into a game. It’s a thought hard to convey. But I am glad I had this dream. If only I am so daring in person as I was in my dream.

Nightmare after meal

just woke up after a nap after i ate my gruesome magee (actually not that gross, jus that the dream was quite weird and horrific).

I had a little bad dream, it was just weird beyond description.

I dreamt that someone stole in my room and melted my laptop down to a morbid looking pulp, still retaining its case color.

Distance

Idk, i think its scary to know someone too well.

My time is MY time

no, I refuse to go simi gala dinner, waste my time and money. SOrry ppls. I don’t think you will miss my presence for that one night, and I can channel that 55 dollars to better use. toodoos suckers, have fun.

Was just looking at some fb photos, suddenly it dawned on me tt the reason why I appear ginormous on pictures is partly because the skinny little girls like to hide behind me!! What a bunch of complicated organisms, u are alr so skinny why hide half ur ass behind mine? Taking photos shouldn't it be honest memorial for tt moment, the intentional angle-ing and positioning so tt u could look even skinnier n by contrast I look even bigger, what's the point of taking pictures anymore??? Irritated. Nvm I embrace my Lublub wholesomely because they are just plain beautiful!

random one

Just for laughs!

Sleepless nite

I guess it’s the milo I drank just now that’s keeping me awake. Darn, I have a early lecture and a long day ahead. Not doing much, was reading some girl’s blog just so I can fall asleep, but it turned out interesting. Sometimes I wonder, how do you classify someone as ‘normal’? Is it maybe he/she does the same ‘in’ things everyone else does, like going to clubs and going on holidays with their friends, that makes you the ‘normal’ crowd? I do neither, that makes me ‘abnormal’ i guess. And I’ll just leave it like that.

Krohanga!!!!

Nth much to say except, I AM FUCKING PROUD to have been part of KR Rag Dance 10/11.

NO way man

If it was one year back, i might probably just accept it. But no, I refuse to accept ppl’s arrangement for me without pushing it. Sorry but just no way am I gonna stand one side like a retard.