One piece 1101

i always thought it was very Nice indeed of One piece to not kill anybody at all. All villains so far survived and continue to be spotted in ongoing story.

what I complain is that why break the blissful living tradition?

why kill characters?

that were so WELL LIKED ALIVE!

and they didn't even appear much!

its like their appearance is to die.

and why must there be 2???

one is bad enough! 2?!

and I dun mind White Beard dying initially, coz he wasn't really hard crafted, just that I knew he was very powerful. Now that I saw his fight, he just totally shouldn't die.

But Ace! Why kill him after painfully creating him?? And he havn't even appeared up to the amount equal to his bloody importance.

Maybe it's the "Death of an important someone" triggering more events to come.

But it's sooooo tragic!

It makes me SO SAD. the thought of the picture whr Ace died, with a smile somemore, is just unbearably painful.

then again, it makes One Piece so real, that it stabs my heart with the death of 2 characters so well crafted.

aha, just received a msg from NUS dharma circle. "do you wish to become a monk/nun but didn't because you think that you're not ready yet?"

AMUSED

It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

hmm, this probably ties in with the "third person effect". Anything outside urself is either simplified or accentuated. I guess in this case, it's simplified.

Anyway, I still think I am interesting. Except that I should make myself MORE interesting. Shall camp at a bookstore one day. Me like the idea. Sipping a cup of hot chocolate, with a good book in hand, on a bright sunny day, on a windy rooftop, with Taemin dancing in the background. aha, bliss.

蝉の時雨

中譯：「美麗的萬物」
你最喜歡的
這段旋律(Melody)...
在天空之中
回響著口風琴(Harmonica)的樂聲...
*天使擁抱著
窗沿為框的畵布(Draw)...
看啊...這幅風景畫(Paysage)...
很美麗吧?
其中是(C'est)——
清風傳播...
淡淡花香...
春之追憶...
美麗的聲音...
詠唱的少女(Monica)...
鳥兒的鳴叫...
指針的前進 →
其中是(C'est)——
藍天無垠...
流雲飄蕩...
夏之追憶...
美麗的聲音...
詠唱的少女(Monica)...
蟬之時雨...
指針的前進 →
如此美麗...
你所告訴我的景色...
一直都難以忘卻...
『美麗的萬物』...
聚集於此爲了...
生命降臨的到來...
你所擁抱的
短暫的季節(Season)...
痛苦如同落雨的
承重的打擊著...
「不用擔心喲」...
笑著説道的...
你的容貌(Visage)
難以忘記... ...
其中是(C'est)——
夜晚的窗邊...
微笑著月亮...
秋之追憶...
美麗的聲音...
唱歌的少女(Monica)...
昆蟲的展翅...
指針的前進 →
其中是(C'est)——
大地無垠...
白雪微眠...
冬之追憶
美麗的聲音...
歌唱的少女(Monica)...
時間的凋謝...
指針的前進 →
真美呢...
你所存在於美景之中...
永遠忘卻不了...
『美麗的萬物』...
集合於此爲了...
生命來臨的匆匆......
你所馳騁的
短暫的季節(Season)...
病痛的焰火
灼燒著身體...
「啊啊...真是美麗」...
笑著逝去...
你的面容(Image)
無法忘卻......
你誕生於那天早晨...
原本是個愛哭鬼的我...
也變成了小姐姐——
玩耍著...
雖然那麽小...
但我感到很自豪......
痛苦搖曳於
生命的荒野上
『美麗的萬物』探尋著的
縱橫馳騁
其實在那地平綫
旅途之中的你
爲何睡着了
美好的令人想起了......
你所喜歡的
這段旋律(Melody)...
在天空之中
回響著口風琴(Harmonica)的聲音...
Repeat*
「我看到世界上最美麗的光
並且將這花抱在胸前
爲了Laurant的自己 繼續歌唱」
「那裏有Roman在嗎?」

this is about the most listened song on my playlist. it calms me down, and like the title says, Beautiful Things. I am surrounded by so many beautiful things, why do I still want more? What stems the in-satisfaction in me?

I had known all along that I am no longer the person I was. Am I more or less than before? I do not wish to go on thinking. The gapping hole is unbearable. What can I do to fill this hell of a gap up? I do not want to be that another girl with a vacuum in the heart. No I'm not suicidal.

Why has life become so difficult? Why had I become so whiny? Why am I not happy with what I have?

Will I come back?

Will I be who I want to be?

Will I stop doubting?

Everyone has problems, and I'm glad someone pays attention to mine, which bugs me even though it doesn't seem like a problem to them.

It's hard to be the person I want to be. Hard to really don't care about what people think, especially those that I care about, I am afraid they'd think me lousy. But why do I have such thoughts? Why do I think myself lousy? Am I lousy? What makes me lousy?

Volley captaincy, not something I'm dying to do, I just see no harm in taking it up, but I already fathom the stress and feels the weakness in my knees. Am I not suitable for bigger things? Am I fated for menial, normality? Such questions fill me up and fill me up somemore, should my head be rigid, it would have exploded. Is it not good to think? It is good to not think?

Almost one year into uni, I am still learning to adapt. I thought I was good at adapting, there we go, I thought, seems like everything's been in my mind, was I ever outside? If I shan't think about what I am, that leaves me no limits, and somehow that's better? Well, if trying to define myself is so hard, then I should give it up totally. Things are much simpler when I only need to think LIKE/NO LIKE. I shan't be bothered with what others have that I don't and that I have and others don't, not much space left in my head to do that I guess.

And it was a pleasant surprise that Russell, my long ago Jap class classmate was a graduate from SoC also. I was very Surprised!! Other than surprised, there's pretty much nothing else to tell her though. And it's a pretty wierd feeling to leave the conversation hanging at "I am so surprised". But I really am so surprised. Just that it really do end here. Full Stop.

A rare photopost

A day out with my grandparents and my new grandma's daughter's friend.
It is taxing and challenging. My gosh, I feel grown-up.
I confirm don't like people to stick to me and hold-on to me. I like to swing my hands when I walk. My grandfather held my hand all the way, and at times squeezed my fingers, and did all sorts of things I would totally abhore if it were any other people. Anyhow, some pictures. I am contemplating getting a camera, my phone's 2.0megapixel just is unsatisfying.I didn't intend this to be the first photo, I just can't figure out the blogger upload thing. Anw it's my effort attempt to look girlish and sweet. Which I just end up looking like a meat loaf. Owells, my life is already good as it is, I shouldn't complain more.
Awesome photographing skills please, look how I captured the sunlight shining on them. Blissfully happy :)
The flower of the cannonball tree, looks like something out of the sea.
The black stuff in the green thing is ants.
my cute grandfather. He loves to take picture of me not looking at the camera, so I took this to make my point to him, but he seems to like this pic, so I guess I didn't make my point.
This is awesomely nice, standing within the waterfall and looking out. Pity didn't have a better camera but nvm, I need to consider the pros and cons of getting a camera.
This is called the Cannonball tree, probably because its flowers fall off the tree randomly. It is a sweet-smelling tree, and its flowers look like sea anemone, I picked one, which I put on my grandfather's shirt, natural cologne, but accidentally squashed later.
My blissfully happy grandparents :)
Fat...feeling extremely fat....

I feel exhausted...by school and family. I am the ultimate saikang warrior at home, although I don't have to wash cook mop, but I just have to do everything I am being asked to, and often it is everything. It's my Dad's way of connecting to me, coz he feels the gap between us getting bigger, so he orders me around. The gap is inevitable, because now I have other things to buzz about, and I have no time for him, he probably is afraid that one day I'd leave him. But calling me and demanding me to do this and that and telling me that it's my duty just pisses me off. I'd choose to think it's my problem, because I'm not that tenacious enough to be balancing so many things on my libra. I think I'm entering the phase where blissful slacking is a luxury and I would be asking myself "What have I forgotten to do?" when I actually find time to not do anything. I don't want my life to be like this...I want to live my life the fantasical way...sighz.

Anyhow, today was pretty ok, except I could have finished my readings instead of running around singapore. BUt then again, anything to do with my grandparents come first ahead of everything, because my grandfather is 80, and the next time I see him he probably won't remember me, I must treasure all time I have with him, and no complaints! My midterms I will still own them like anything because I said I will.

Funny thing I remember about today:

why Singapore's soldiers must go Tw and thailand to train. Because in singapore, their cannons can easily accidentally shoot out of country. aha.

Chingay Heartland Show

Last night was Chingay Heartland Show at Tampines.
I stood on the float and paraded around Tamp. It was quite an experience, quite contrary to what I expected.
First to note is that, once again im made to believe, nothing is easy, even standing on the float, smile and waving your hand. Its not easy. After the whole thing, my left hand want to quit on me, my cheeks are set in the smiling position, and my yao just want to duan. And I realized, initially I waved enthusiastically like how I would wave everyday, the spastic shaking of the wrists and wide sprawled fingers, after awhile it will automatically become the gracefully rotating of the wrist and closed up fingers, that the queen taught in the Princess Diaries. The reason behind that is not to appear refined and graceful, its to conserve energy. Really.
Secondly, I love small kids! They are soo gullible and cute! The small girls look at me with awe in their eyes, I was super amused and euphoric on adolescent admiration. Some asked me "Jiejie, are u a fairy?" ahahahahaha. I am I am. 200% fairylic. Except one rude little boy who shouted "Oi You think u very good arh" when our float drove past. Actually ya, I think I'm very good and you little boy will grow up deformed and impotent.
The fun part of the parade was actually when the float went past unpopulated roads and the driver sped up, I stood and sit at the edge of the float and enjoyed the wind on my face. We had no safety belts or anything to secure ourselves to the float, the danger of falling off and the proximity of the running ground below somewhat excites me. Images of train-jumping heroics flashed before me, and I almost was tempted to imitate. Why did I not do it? Anyhow, sitting on the edge and swinging my legs was an experience not to be exchanged for anything.
Last thing to mention was, my face was documented in countless digital photos (none mine), well, it's a nice thing to know. A mini semi-5-minutes-of-fame, even though they don't know who I am, I hope they remember me as "the Fairy" ahaha, let me shuang abit.
Lastly lastly, one of the people who requested to take photo with us was a major MO-BENG MOLESTFUL LOSER!!! Before he poses, he will specially request us to put our hands on our waist (like a teapot handle), THEN he will grab our waists through the opening, and inch UPWARDS!!! STUPID MOBENG!!! AND THEN HE WILL SQUEEZE OUR WAISTS! OMGGGGG........OMG.........OMG........stupid mobeng, I hope ur face explodes.

I came home this morning, totally just kao bei my cousin, straight in the face. Nah, I know he is pitiful somewhat, but it is he who requested to not be pitied, so I think I am respecting him by not pitying him at all. I know he tells my Dad and my grandparents that he thinks i'm "still young" and he is "too cultured/insert nice word" to be calculative with me. Screw you! If that's what you think, I will just be the ultimate jerk I need be.

I know relationships need time and effort, just like grooming your plant. So far, this one with my cousin is like weed, I see no blooming in the near future, I am not powerful enough to exterminate it either, it's just there to irritate me, fml. Oh wells, I guess I would have to be grateful for him to set a benchmark as low as that, which will make me appreciate whatever other awful people I come into contact with seem like pure lovely people.

bad day bad mood

Today began as any other day. Except for a few things that spoiled my zest.
1) Ace died. I mourn deeply.
2) I screwed up my sit-in-lab 2, totally dunno how to do and totally cannot concentrate due to 1)
3) the pissedfulness is just there, brought forward or not, but im just pissed.

I have decided to go home and sadly give wendy's bday celebration a miss. I do not want to screw my day up even further, to be honest.I dun blame anybody, it's just not within my control to behave normally around certain group of people.

ACE YOU CANNOT DIEEEE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ACEEEEEEEEE
WHY
WHY HWY WHYE ALSDFKJDL JDLKF
AAHHHHHHH!!!!
I HATE AKAINU I HATE AKAINU I HATE AKAINU!!!!
I HATE BLACK BEARD I HATE BLACK BEARD I HATE BLACK BEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT ACE AND WHITE BEARD BACK :'(

One Piece :)))

I wonder if anyone would ever make One Piece a studying text, would I still love it as much?
To study it would mean closely and SYSTEMATICALLY examine the strokes, the style, the combination of words and pictures, will that screw up the most powerful manga of all times just like it screw up for everything else? If I had to remember every other line, every appearing character, every event...I might go loony.
How I wish that the world created in One Piece is real, I yearn so much that I find real world pirates fascinating, because they are the next best most similar people around. I wonder how their lives are like. Do they still use cannons. Are they as evil as they seem on the news? I'd love to see that. Or maybe join them. I swear I must leave Singapore the minute I graduate. For good? Dunno. But it will be a long time before I come back here.
yesterday I had the worst mood swing ever I could get. I dunno why I was so moody, but the mood just settles in and refused to leave. I just can't get excited at whatever is happening around me. I wish I could just sleep away. I would if I don't have a bastard econs tutorial at 10.
my studies have begun to slack down just like last sem I realised, need to buck up, I want that cap 5.0 confirm.
I hate the mundane routine school life. I want adventures. I want to fall into the rabbit hole and immerse in fantasy.
One Piece will salvage me for now. Hope that it never ends. never ever.

I have 4 midterms in two consecutive days!
Perfect!
Lalalala.
Witness my death ppl!

虎年快乐!

我特别喜欢中国风的歌曲。配搭背景古色古香的变换，把人带入中国古代的壮阔和魅力。
这首词《龙文》，简述了中华5000年来的历史、创作、流传。
告诉我，如此美丽，怎能不让人着迷？

suck suck

Revelations!
I feel damn gao wei now.
totally damn humiliated by my past.
why the fuck did I do what I did?
was I freaking blind???

attachment

i wonder whether will I ever feel strong attachment to something, somewhere, someone, or somewhat.
I don't like the feeling of detachment.

I just had the best dream ever

Sidenote, the previous post seem so loserish! It's really different to see things in different moods. I'm feeling excited now cuz I totally had an awesome fantasy dream just now.

I bet if it was made into a movie, it will make avatar decolour.
It's a motion picture viewed from my kitchen window. I wasn't doing anything but perching at the window when all of a sudden the night sky turned aura-fully purple, the full moon disappeared only to be replaced by 12 odd looking glowing things. My HDb block is thn flooded with black water from first level up to the third. The sight tt I could not forget is one that hundreds of deitys were walking on The black water chasing after huge monstrous fishes surfacing from the depth of the water. It is one devilishly beautiful scene.

Soon after I heard screams coming from the flats. It appears that there were evil things apparating everywhere. I rmb exclaiming to myself that wow it's like union appearance of all the evil characters of every movie, except tt I can't b exactly which I saw. Horrible things were happening. Kids were being tossed out of their windows and mutilated imaginatively. Oddly nothing happened to me as I stand watching in horror. The atrocity escalated and lives were being played around like nobodies business. I felt devastation as I could in real life. Eventually the purple sky subsided and the huge full moon emerged triumphantly, the evil beings disappeared leaving no trails behind except for the ringing of their evil laughter. It was like a recess period for them before they had to go back to where they came from.

Just as I was wondering why only the bad n evil characters came, the heroes came. Although I dunno why they came because the bad guys were already gone. I guess my dream wants to be complete in some ways. Anyhow the heroes came, some even joined me in the shower, lololol. Anyhow I rmb I was pushed through this neonish machine that melts these thick ropes such that when I pass through the melted things wrap around my body like a tight suit, there and then I transformed and became a hero. After which nothing much except I parolled and showed off my suit and sowed seeds that is part of my heroic abilities.

Yup, awesome dream. I can't help but wonder why the evil parts are more elaborate than the good ones. Maybe I am secretly dark and evil and is the incarnation of some evil king of some sort. Somehow this thought is not unappealing at all.

Reconcile

I'm not exactly sure what Reconcile means, I just have the feeling that it's somewhat relevant to how I am feeling now. Now in the limited comfort the sofa can offer.
Everytime my grandparents and my parents talk to me about my childhood memories, I feel so proud, I was the embodiment of what I want to bewhen I was young. I was adventurous, bold and unafraid. I realized my fear for social activities was more innate than I thought because as a kid I disliked big groups of unfamiliar people even though they were kids like myself. But at other points where I'm not socially handicapped I'm quite a friendly entertainer who loved others to take a piece of her joy. I was really what I want to be now.
Evaluating who I am now, I impress myself less than I did when I was a kid. I am more fearful towards things unknown and I am less determined. Albeit I'm still as socially handicapped as ever, if not more.
Recently I find it hard to accept my shortcomings I don't know why. I always subconsciously try to impress people with my nonchalance or random spontaneity. As fake as I hate to be.

Raa

I boiled boiling water just now.
I am partially scalded by boiled boiling water.
I am feeling ambivalent now, coz its amazing that boiling water can be further boiled and that I am utterly stupid.
Anyhow I had really storilistic dreams last night, more like this morning coz I just woke up. Its totally about uni life as how I saw it before I came to uni myself. It was more scandalous than I thought I thought. Yet now my life is clean as a sheet of printing paper. Not sure whether I should complain, but I really find this more or less boring. I need excitement in my life...
chingay =/ to excitement, fyi. it is a evil monster which eats up all my family time and makes me feel horribly guilty towards my parents.
My dad is getting a new TV, finally, I bet his wrapping his jumping-joys up with fake sorrow just so that my mom wont explode. Haha. But he wants me to go shop with him, and today is his freeday, yet Im not. I yearn to spend quality time together with my family because I know, it will be harder to come by in the future. sad face.
Anyhow.
I went to the Personal Growth Group on thursday. It was very surprising. I got to know myself better. I realised I appear to be someone who don't care about other's opinions, but in actual fact, I care about more than anybody. I live on the appraisals (partly) from others, which is a bad thing. I need to stem my confidence and self-esteem from within myself. I need to love myself, and just saying it wont make it real. I need to be the person I can love.

I wonder

Why is the world so image driven?
Why do everybody yearn to LOOK good?
Why do all the GOOD-LOOKING people get all the attention?
If we were to evolve so much that our eyes disappear, what will happen?
Anyhow, I really need something that can define myself.
Like you know, Fabregas - the footballer, TVXQ - the korean boy band yadda yadda.
What will follow : Wan Yi - .........?
QLC totally man.

I want to dieeee

mind gruelling mind gruelling!!!!!!!!!!!!!

complaints n more complaints

The week is coming to an end and Im dying to go home, sobz which I cant due to stupid hall activities.

My Friday time table is a BITCH!More so because first lesson 9 bloody in the morning is CS1231, nothing more mind-grueling than arguing about logic first thing in the morning when ur mind thinks of nothing but ur bed.

Yesterday was end of IHG for me, totally warm the floor with my butt can, darn boring. bloody bitch. If I am to be captain next year, I will be an aweinspiring one. I will not laff like an idiot before the match and nua during the match like a stupid potato.

Anyhow, I wanna go HOME ><

FML

I just squeezed all the pimples and bums I have on my face, FML, like will never end.

Highlight of the day, I found a new eyecandy. Hehe Terrence who plays badminton. He just exudes grace from all his pores like nobody's business. ah ah ah.

Meditation

Totally irrelevant and irritating: I keep getting msn invites from random emails who want to show me their naked bodies on webcam. wtf...I'm not a man..and if i want to see a woman I can just see myself.

Back to meditation.
Never had I thought that I would actively seek out something as static and consuming and seemingly boring activity as meditating. It is barely half an hour since the session ended, and I already have no memory on what I had actually done. But I can feel that it has its benefits, and these benefits can only begin to be reaped after a number of meditating sessions. Even so, I now feel more refreshed and peaceful. I have less negative dreadful feelings at this current moment, and I guess it is somewhat comforting to know.

Toodoos. Fats and oil beckoning me.

lol

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

lol damn funny

As a record...

I signed up for two courses/workshop that just one year ago I would totally scorn at. "Personal Growth" and "Meditation".
Suddenly, the inner and spiritual me wants to take over.
Sometimes, I feel the worldly evils are so oppressive that it seems like a good idea to just end everything.
I believe suicidal thoughts exist in everybody's head now and forever. It depends on whether it is enough to push you over the border between dying and living. Both require equal amount of courage, imo.
So far, I still want to stay alive. weak smily :>

I used to complain that I think too little, too shallow, too obvious. Yet now I feel it's happier that way. The more things you discover, and the deeper you delve, the darker it seems.

I hope meditation is a way out to this mental turmoil and put some weight into my feet so that I can feel truly alive...

year of the firsts

yes it's the year of firsts and the first memorable thing i did is Bikini wax.

really it's not as awful as it seemed on TV. I opted for a FULL OFF coz it was recommended to do so such that it will less painful when I want to get a heart-shaped crop. yes and I want to dye it pink.

after the wax, it just doesn't look like mine anymore. a baldy stranger. i really will not tolerate regrowth.

yup, its quite an experience similar to getting my first facial and the first time I used a tampon, and the first time I got a slimming treatment.

I am bloody sleepy now due to chingay drilling and volleyball(which is slowly turning into a bitch). Chingay was superbly irritating because I had to endure it with an empty stomach, and it made me angry, compound with Bryan's snide remarks, it just might trigger off the insanity in me. On the other hand volleyball, I suddenly became second-class citizen without any warning whatsoever. I think Jacinth does not make a good captain. Trainings has no structure and no planning, and it makes ppl feel that they are left out, which is in eternity never a good feeling. And I super dislike the uncertainty to whether or not I will play, keeping me hanging...I have to go for training all the time wondering what for?

Im gonna sleep nao...

I should amend my new year resolution

Not to say dun pon anything at all, ec1301 lectures are just 100% pon-worthy. yay to free A. of course as an aspiring young economist, thr's no such thing as FREE. I will do my share of work just without gg to lecture.
on the other hand, CL2281 is really rather interesting. Although i wont come out of it as a full-fledged translator, the clause-analysing skills I would have acquired will be a great asset in the future, be it better formed sentences, clearer thinking paths or faster text-swallowing.
gogogo. A's here I come!

CS1101 rox my life

LOL at the irony man. anyhow the new lecturer makes it really fun to do programming!
We did the Turtle class today, and I made my turtles draw a heart shape. omfgly cute. im trying to figure how to video it and make it into gif or smth. need to share the b-u-teeeee

Ultimate humiliation!!

I am muthafucking irritated! I hate to be second class citizen, I hate to see other ppl move on faster than me. I hate to do the same things all over again!!!!
Knnnnnn
I have to redeem myself by the end of this sem. I hate it when ppl talk to me as if I'm so pitiful. Fuck fuck fuck

Evolved

It's probably normal to feel horrible to look at horribly ugly past photos of thyself. It's probably also normal to deject a period of thy life because it's just unpresentable. I so happened to see myself in past yearbooks, which led me to look through my fb photos and fwalah, I am overwhelmed with horror. I didn't realize how awful I looked because I used to not give a damn. Now that I'm starting to see something out of it, I am so washed up with shame that I don't know whether to move on.
I have a heart of gold, but who's gonna find it under that disheveled surface.

Freedom

I guess there is no such thing as total freedom, at least not in this world.

Today while on the bus, out of the window I saw a group of construction workers playing Cricket (the sport) on a open field not far from there makeshift work hostel with their makeshift balls and bats. The sight made me feel happy in a indescribable way (and I proceed to describe it).

Firstly I thought it was really cute, coz ultimately we are the same, despite the different lives we live, we seek fun in things we do, we do things to spice up the mundane routine.

Secondly, they were playing cricket. Seems like "the" game to play. It just felt the the right activity to do at the right time and with all the right people. Fun.

Third, agelessness. haha. They were working adults, yet they jumped around like little kids. The plain joy of doing something together with people you love.

Lastly, I felt unnamed joy to be cheered up by the scene. It feels natural. Not the kind of try-too-hard ways to cheer yourself up like going shopping, going for a movie...yadda yadda.

I'm having horribly mortifying thoughts

because I have wasted my entirely beautiful Monday DAY in the condemnation of my hall room waiting for nothing to happen.
well actually I was waiting for Chingay practice, but it's of no compelling importance to me.
While I do have the option to head back to home, I choose to not choose it. Because of reasons too obscure for my understanding.
I am beginning to develop the "I belong to nowhere, where do I belong" thoughts and soon nomadic activities will seem appealing to me. (wierdly I sense myself forming sentence structures vaguely similar to those in the illustrated Television Series called the Big Bang Theory, with the voice of Sheldon in my head).
Anyhow staying in hall is hugely mortifying when especially no one is around.
Me is terribly scared of loneliness and boredom. :(

I shall drink to lousy GPA

First sem only kena academic probation. I'm gonna flip dead and foam in the mouth.
wtf i failed 2 modules in one sem, dam muthafucking shitty can. So SIAN!
Although this is largely expected, that my results can't be anywhere near good, but I really thought my final paper could salvage me, and at least give me a pass. Just failed two core mod la, cb...and nxt sem must do again. lump of shit.

and i got academic probation.
worst results of my entire academic life pls. and no A??? stupid muthafucking CS1105. I shall send the tutor hate mails lor.

anyhow, since it's expectedly lousy, I shall not wallow in self-pity. It's an evil seed sown since the beginning of the sem, no matter how stressed i was at the end, just unable to change the unchangeable.

I am personally going to condemn such behaviours starting from NOW.
1. NO PONNING ANYTHING
2. NO LATE NIGHT MERRY MAKING WHEN THERE'S EARLY CLASS THE NEXT DAY
3. NO NOT-DOING-MY-TUTORIALS-BECAUSE-I-DUN-FEEL-LIKE-IT

this thing suck shit la. I brought this upon myself again! just I can get cap 4.5 lor, just anyhow play in the shitpool. first sem is borderly forgivable. NO SUCH THING from next SEM ONWARDS. NO SUCH THING!

sorry many times!!!

time waits for no one

in the blink of an eye, 2009 came and gone.
in resolution, I shall be a smarter person.
and not forgetting to mention, a more hardworking person.
since I always want things that others do not have, I shall choose to perceive hardworking as something most people do not have, and I will then see the lure to attain it. it kind of pisses me off for me to have to find ways to work around myself.

major bad mood

im in a gargantuan big ass bad mood now.
this is for wasting time. I could have gone home like yesterday after movie if i'd known today is gonna be bloody wasted. knnnnnnn
and to waste time wif ppl im verbally constipated wif is even more unsatisfying than cleaning up shit holes. bloody hell.
im oso pissed bcoz i signed myself up for so many shit that i want to strangle myself. suck.

Dum dum dee dum

"There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say," returned the nephew. "Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round--apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that--as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!" -- Dickens, A Christmas Carol

hall makes me feel dreadful

somehow hall gives me this kind of feeling.
especially when I'm the only one on the floor.
the feeling sux.
oh well.
early night then.

'Que sais-je?'

'What do I know?'

woot me shoes arrived in awesome chioness

my shoes are super nice!
and they shimmer under the light
lubs it ttm!!!

Programming is fun

yup agrees with title :)

rejunvenate?

I guess it's the body's one of a million mechanisms that it sleeps endlessly to repair injured body tissues, or just after one day's horrible exercises. Anyhow, yesterday I went to windsurf, it was some awesomeness. I'd love sea sports, it's just plain exhilarating! Even though the whole time I was trying to pull up my sail from the water and trying to catch some wind so that I could move along. Guess I'm not a natural wind expert, I just stand at some "no-go-zone" waiting for the wind to come. I wonder how they tell the wind direction so fast. Well, like my instructor said, I would have a horrible backache...and here I am having a horrible backache. My hands are swollen, the skin next to the nails is sore, my nails are chipped, I have multiple bruises on both my legs, I have an aching back and an aching backside. Each movement is accompanied by sighs and curses coz it's so uncomfortable! Anyhow, I still love to windsurf, and I hope NUS windsurfing organize more surfing sessions, so that I can practice and get awesome at it. well, back to topic, I slept till 4pm today which is just amazing, I didn't know I can sleep SO bloody long, and it's not nice to wake up in the afternoon I conclude. Rarr. Good thing is I haven't eaten the whole day coz I was busy sleeping. Oh, in my dreams, Mrs Chua came to tell me I did awesomely for maths, lol. rite. I hope Mrs Chua the god of mathematics helps. Then I had some wierd dreams, until I finally awoke.

Anyway, I'm not going for Dance camp no more, coz Renying's not going, plus this frees up time for me. Omg...forgot to call to ask about work. Geez. Plan much? I only about kept it up for a couple of days.

Halfway during my nap, my mom called. I get easily irritated when having conversation with my mom. It's like talking to a broken answer machine! it's frustrating because I don't want to think of my mom like this, but I can't help it. And she keeps treating me like I'm still at IQ age 4.

Pardon the incoherency, I just woke up.

windsurfing is FUN!

omg wts...

GEE

i am so upping the views for this video exponentially.
just realise act cute is not easy.
as much as i dun like snsd, i must admit they did smth i cant do (yet).
muaha, i am gg to exude cuteness from my pores after i get over this dance.

ps: mad loves Arshavin!

coming coming!!! woohoo!!!

my freaking shoes are coming!!!
yayness!!!
faster mail it to meeeeeeeeee~~~~

ralala im a hoarse

yay went to k today.
shiok.
i dun care if i am tone deaf, i love to yell into the mic.
except the fact that now i cant hear myself plus i cough like i have lung cancer. ok touch wood.
oh wells, gone is the plan to mug.
but unfortunately, i still have to.
so haiz.
i want to learn all the korean song's dances!
so cool!
sorry sorry is abit hard to learn, but nvm! i can learn GEE first, or Nobody.
Then i want to learn Amigo oso.
oh still got Don't Don.
dance queen in the making.

Miss my bedzdzdzdzzzzz

I'm waking up insanely early everyday in an attempt to fullfil my plans to bring my life back on track, I hope I don't give up anytime soon, it does feel good to have more time and a long day with no work is awesome too except I'm here waiting for a chicken who can't fly and a runny colon who must pang sai just before she leave house. For once I am freaking on time lol, gives me the authority to yell at people later, smiliies. Oh the chicken has just arrived woosh. Time to pig into breakfast! Weeee~~~

I am setting my life straight

As much as I do not like to plan, I have to. And I have to have plans for all sorts of things, majorly to plan my time properly.

I am gritting my teeth and I am going to set my life straight. I wish the feeling of surrealism go away because of this.

Firstly, my wakeup and sleep time. I am setting it at 630 am and 11pm. Chop.

Secondly, I must follow my to-do list that I set out the day before. And do the best I can to finish what I set out to do.

Thirdly, keep this up and not give up after one or two weeks, which always happen, so I must make sure I do this! Chop

Yup.

i feel surreal

lately i have this surreal feeling about me.
I may be talking laughing wadever, but at the same time I feel detached from it all. I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines, observing everything. Why?????

2012

dun ask me why, but i sort like the idea of 2012, i liked the idea that the whole world is coming to an end.

super funny

wtf meenu james is my top friend on facebook, unbelievable ttm...tt is fucking super loser but dam funny at the same time. i dunno how to face her anymore. wtf top friend. just bushuang. lol

Cramps

My leg cramped in the middle of the night, I didn't wake up, but I remembered something dreadful happened in my dreams. I woke up thinking, it is really nice if someone could massage my cramped leg in the midst of sleep.

How come..

why is it that I can always find something else to do when I have the most imminent thing on my hand already. I have a paper to sit for tomorrow and two on the day next. Frankly speaking, I'm in totally no position to take the paper because I haven't learned half the syllabus, let alone revision and preparing for exam!?
I have come to terms with myself that this semester was overwhelming much, that I misplaced my balance. I dabble in things so many that I couldn't focus on any one of them, I totally missed my entire purpose in University. I even needed someone to remind me that my purpose here is to study. For that period of time, I didn't know what was I doing here. Now as I think back, I find myself utterly ridiculous. Sidetrack, I just watched first ep of the drama called Privileged, and I feel inspired by the "what-do-call-the-main-person" who was motivated, focused and ambitious, but got lost in the middle of life and the story tells how she pick herself up along helping others. Nowadays, I think that belief is a choice, I choose to believe in something and I commit to it. I choose to believe in finding a goal and working for it, for if I find this worthy goal or ambition, I don't want it to come to me free, I want to attain it through my own work. Some may say, street smart please, why work so hard? Why? Coz it's worth it. Random ramblings, but I feel like I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am setting standards for myself, not like how I used to work to standards set by teachers and/or parents, now I work for myself. yup, back to mugging. PS: I am greatly amused by "Muggerita". I can't help it.

Haha I am elated and super amused

I am elated because I think I let go of something that won't belong to me, and I stopped longing for it, lest feel lousy over it. I am amused because, I seriously think I am much better. So, kudos to myself for overcoming it. it was rather undescribable experience, it gave me much FRUSTRATIONS, and I am so glad it's over. my elation bloomed while I was washing up just now. it just came like that, and I think this is the kind of joy that will last, compared to those I bluffed myself into. anyhow, it has been great. and I am super amused. best way to lift myself up is to laff at those that put me down.

anyhows, tmr is my first paper. welcome to next 5 days of continuous mugging. my forehead is super pimped due to all these stressful things. totally need a treat plus massage plus spa after everything. anyone wanna join me??

all the best for tmr's paper ^^, im just glad i wont need to study it again, provided i clear it this time round.

tadaas

die....

die...
with half a million things to study and I'm here having no mood to mug.

This is the end to clumsiness

I have had enough.
Quoting myself "One should not give trouble to oneself!"
F those drama series that made me think that clumsiness is cute and adored.
Clumsiness is uncute, and I soforth shall exterminate it from my life! Like a tumour being removed from me!
The last two clumsiness I would do in my life is: letting an egg drop to the floor right next to me, and trying to keep my laundries outside the window and dropping it one of them, and it's fucking embarrassing.
no more clumsiness. fuck.

Cant sleep

i cant sleep

Wow third post in a day

yes, third post in one day, either I'm too free or I'm starting to think.
It's just that, I suddenly became afraid of losing my kins. Not that I'm not afraid to lose them before, but suddenly I felt panicky.

I really miss my grandmother. I haven't seen her for many years before she passed away, so at that point in time, my grief was not as heartbreaking. It seemed like she was still there, there wasn't any change in my life because I got so used to life with her far away, I just couldn't believe that she's gone.

My grandfather is rather old and recently got sick, I really really worry for him. He's coming here to stay for some time, to get away from the cold back home, which makes him sick. I want him to be healthy and alive, at least until I graduate, at least until I give him great-grandchildren, at least till I can finally take care of him on my own accord. I want to bring him around to travel, to see the world, to show him my world. I hope blessed health be with him at all times.

After this, I really have no mood to blog about other things. Early night, and early day tomorrow. I have to study hard...and do it fast.

Holiday job.

I'm gonna work at Resort World this coming holiday. wells, not totally looking forward to it coz I've already got lots of things to do, my holiday is only just one month, but nonetheless i'm excited about it. I like the thought of me being busy. Not going anywhere for holiday, nope, haven't gone on holiday for eons long, and it's just not feasible to go, even though everyone I know are going on holidays, I shall not feel envy. I will enjoy working at Resort World, even though for now I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do. I'm still thankful coz if not for the job, it may be another 10 years will I be able to afford to go to such places. Anyhow, being poor is nothing to be ashamed of. At least, I won't get stolen from. ...Well which I did, but that was just my bad luck. Anyhows, back to mugging which I have done so far for 8 hours straight, I feel smart.

Morning!

Its imperial that I blog about my dreams these days, they are just too surreal that I can't ignore them.

I woke up to the growling noises of a zombie dog being murdered by breaking its neck against a shabby dog door. Next to it was a harmless bunny who whimpered at the sight of the dead dog. Come to think about it, it was a zombie dog, how can it die so easily?
Anyhow the person killed it by breaking its neck using the door, and I am amazed by myself how real my dream was coz it even took care of the details of scratch marks left behind the door where the dog struggled while being killed.

Then again, this is not the first time I dreamt about flying armchairs. It's this normal IKEA chair that u press this button and the top part of it levitates. Damn cool. I want to make one one day. And in my dream, it moves around with a propelling force behind, makes turns and such by adjusting to my weight shifts. Although in my dreams it doesn't seem able to go higher than human eye level, because I remember I was floating past this old man, and when my focus went to his face, he had this super comical expression on that half resembles an amazed octopus, I actually laughed in my dream.

One more thing worth mentioning, after the dog supposedly died (I heard bone crack), the man released the door, and suddenly the dog catapulted towards me, like those sudden lunging sprints that scare the hell out of you, the dog lunged and was held back by the chains around his broken neck, thereby severing it all leaving head and body detached. Super horror movie pls.

Thereby, good morning.

roarzzz

it's still annoying me.
how how how.
just refuse to go back to being loserish.
how????

365th post!

For a long long time, I am happy today.
I am happy because this is my 365th post after 5 years of blogging.
I am happy because I met my friend today and we didn't do nothing much together.
I am happy because I didn't do that loserish thing for more than a day and I am not tempted to do it anymore.
I am happy because this time I handed in my assignment completed and on time.
I am happy because exams will end in another 2 weeks.
I am happy because I had my QLC about two weeks ago, and am comforted that everybody goes through this sooner or later, and I had it earlier.
I am happy because I read relevant stories about successes that I am inclined to achieve.
I am happy because I felt more matured than before.
I am happy because I am Me again!

Self help analyse shit

Today I really didn't want to wake up.
I set my alarm at 9 and I went on to sleep until 1030.
I slept until the point that I really had to tell myself that today is date due for assignment, I HAVE to wake up, then did I managed to pull myself away.
Not that I'm that sleepy or tired, I didn't even do much yesterday except completing one chapter of what's required to do the assignment.
I merely dun wanna wake up to everything.
I wish to sleep away~~~
or I wish to wake up to a new life.
Then again, I know this is my procrastinating and running away from my responsibilities...I know I shouldn't be this way...
someone help me :(

how awful...i'm like checking my msn every five minutes...to no avail..and it makes me feel loserish.

Dreams

If my dreams have a meaning, I dun wanna know wad it means, coz it can't be anything good. I took a nap just now, and it goes sci-fi all over again. I wake up wondering, is everybody I know really who they are? Or are they aliens who stole their bodies and discarded their original souls. This time round, I could vividly remember the face of a little girl with blazing red eyes saying "I am not who she thought I was already" meaning when this knew alien want to take over her, she admits she was already once taken over...

yupz.

and the weather is awesome.

time to feel happy enjoy studying.

Gore

What a way to start the day with, just a whole bunch of gore right smack in my face.
I had a dream last night, sci-fi themed this time. It was gory sci-fi, and it was pretty detailed, to the point that I still do rmb certain memorably gory scenes.
Basically it's sort of like war btw two worlds, fighting against alien monsters sort of thing, and I was one of those by-standers watching everything happen. I was in a building, overlooking some construction site. The construction is pretty indescribable, it's a huge pile of sand that's as tall as the building I was in, think pyramid just that it's not triangular, there were workers hanging around the square block of sand 1 million metres off the ground. Just then, an alienish dragon appeared from the side. It floated around the building, smacking it's tail against the sand. and one smack landed spot on a worker, and he promptly exploded into bloody chunks of flesh, some flew towards me, some sank into the sand, I could see generous flow of blood on the sandy building, before the entire sand column decided to collapse, and the dragon turn to float in my direction. I took one look at its incoming face, it has mouths inside its mouth, imagine marbles in a round cup, it was red and glowing...before my dream went somewhere else.

Finding me...

I feel lonely in the middle of the night, and I'm scared to fall asleep by myself, which explains the late hours, I'd rather find people to talk, go for late suppers, I just don't want to be left alone. I had always been a loner sort, but I've never been afraid to be alone so much. Sometimes my thoughts scare me, and I'm afraid to lose myself. I feel I have changed so much in just a mere few months. For one, I am definitely less happy. I have to scout for reasons to keep myself happy, I wasn't this way. I wish everything could just go back to how it used be, and I can be happy just being myself which imho is getting harder and harder to keep up. Talk about 无己。。。all i think about is myself. When there's a huge world out there, all I do is wallow in my own self-pitying thoughts. Why had I become so pathetic??? I wish this sem would go away asap, I want to start anew, I　want to be ahead of my tutorials, not go to tutorials feeling emo, I want to prepare for exams not sitting for exams that I've no idea about. It's difficult on my own, but time has indeed came for me to fend for myself, to take care of myself, I could no longer rely on others making decisions for me, watching out for me. I am a short-sighted person, with little or no perseverance, when will this change? How do I become a better person?

on a happier note, today is lab quiz, not that im happy about it, just that after today, one less thing off my mind, and dinner with old friends, finally a breather outside this stressed up place.

I really want to be "逍遥快活"...more than ever.

fucking bastard screwing up my mind.

just bu shuang ttm....i want to take out my brain and cut it into pieces.
rarrrrr....mug n mug n think n think...
screwed up
when will this ever end?

FML

I smashed my iPhone screen today.
now I feel sad whenever I look at my phone.

woa i m really very screwed...

im screwed beyond redemption.
seriously, why did i allow myself to end up in such a situation.
gosh, i have a mountain of things to do and now I realize its impossible
to clear all.
IMPOSSIBLE!
possible if i mug 24/7 and absorb everything I read the instance my eyes fall on them.
yucks, why do I always land myself in uncontrollable situations, and i hate it coz i cant blame anyone else.
nahs, this shall be the sem that i teach myself how to control myself.
every morning i wake up with the thought "when is this going to end?"
seriously...i cant wait for the sem to be OVER!
omgosh...
this is like A'lvl crammed into 3 months...
inhumane bastards.
next sem im going to take only 2 modules. and maybe cut certain organs away so that i wont be easily distracted.

when all frustrations gone

i think i can smile in my sleep tonight.
it feels great to be relieved to all the frustrations, and gosh how many times did i see this word "frustration" today.
anyhow, i feel refreshed.
and i thank all who has listened (or not listened) and who has talked to me.
i can finally move on. woosh. and tmr is a better day.
may i pray tt my mom drop the matter abt her guy coz i am just not interested. lol and shall i say my interest lie elsewhere. hahahaha. omg incoherent. lalalalala
good to feel happy again tho.
yayeeeee

i am totally speechless

my mom's perserverence scares me...i get it this is her way of trying to help me by introducing guys to me, which is imho pretty cute of her...but im only doing it for her, and it is dramatically irritating. i mean this is totally ridiculous la, sian

horribly bu shuang

rarr. i feel so screwed up! now i need people and things to always occupy me so that my thoughts won't run wild. this is intolerable! horrible kns shit.

anw...played bejewelled for past hour with jess and joe in the lounge, and i feel it's ultimately the most dumb and funny thing to do to preoccupy myself. i am turning to all sorts of means man. and this is bad.....

My eventfully unlucky week of constant irritation.

The past week was a hell of a bundle of irritation. To recount, nah, it's not very nice to recall, just one teeny mention of the most stupidiest thing I have so far done in my life...
LEAVING MY FUCKING DOOR OPEN AND HAVE MY FUCKING LAPTOP STOLEN.

That about sums up my screwalty, and horribility of the week.
Horrendously, I had to go through interrogation and the shit, which are all imho useless waste of time, but I had to do coz it's sort of standard procedure, and also because I had no idea what else to do.

Anyhow, I bought a replacement today, totally the same model except it's white, i felt so stupid when i was telling the sales person who sold me the previous laptop and who sold me this new one altogether. It's like replay of the day about two months ago, just that this time i went alone. and that this time, the other sales made fun of me. >< dulan ttm.

and many thanks for ShiQi who came down to company me, it was really nice to meet up with old friends, and it helps to take my mind off everything for awhile, it was so nice, i was reluctant to return home. and now back to reality, i must start mugging coz i dun want to be doing nothing when i'm sitting for exams.

another fml thing, my retarded cousin is back...and he is still as retarded as ever. I hope he die of retardedness.

on a happier note, i think my white laptop is pretty :)

Fail...

epic fail, took the longest possible irritating ttm route to come to hall today. and its freaking irritating coz i've got nobody to blame but myself, which i can't bring myself to because i'm me.

anw...i missed my stop on bus 143 and when i realized it i was somewhr heading towards west coast park. i promptly got down and crossed the street to take a bus back. and promptly again this bus 189 came and i reckoned that it will take me back to heng mui keng terrace. when i board the bus i even asked the uncle whether the bus will go to "kent ridge hall"? the uncle gave me a blur look and a little nod, i reckon he heard the word kent ridge and maybe it rang a bell.

and it did ring a bell, but a totally different one, coz in the end the bus went to bloody kent ridge terminal, stupid uncle and stupid me coz i should have asked "heng mui keng?" instead of "kent ridge hall".

i sat at the bus terminal for like 20 min waiting for a bus 10 to start and to all hopes lost it never came and i nvr got to see whether one came coz i had the sudden urgent urge to shit. lucky enough i know there lies AS7 just behind the kent ridge terminal so i followed my ultra good instincts which led me to a toilet just in time.
and why the sudden urge? it was due to the steamboat i had before this evening, it was at this newly opened steamboat place near chinatown mrt, it was ALRIGHT, just plain janely ALRIGHT, wouldn't go back there for a second time coz it has no special draw.

ok after my toilet trip, i ended up at the bus stop outside AS7 where i usually have my CH2252 lecture, wanted to wait for a shuttle bus that would get me back to hall, coz i have tons of barang barang i have to lug back with my two frail arms. if not i would have happily walked back.

which end up i still walked back, and lugging my whole house with me. the road was horrendously long, and when i reached kr, i am sure i have broken something within me, a rib or two maybe.

sian!!!
and i am again very pissed coz tmr is monday.
i spat on Mondays
and bloody noisy neighbours.

I value my friendships

I am really very grateful for the cake! Many thanks to my lovely friend!
and many yeses to our eight(are you sure eight?) years of friendship and still counting. My best wishes to you too! And once again THANKS ALOT! :)

i freaking passed my sit-in-lab!!!

i freaking passed my sit-in-Lab 1!!!!!
even tho is a freaking 56/100, but i passed it! im a freaking genius!!!

right..

putting my retainers in hot water was a bad idea. i'm not sure whether it did what i intended it to do which is kill germs, but what came to me was not very nice, first it shrank, second it cracked. awed. maybe my material science major friend could help me explain this. :)

i observe that i only blog when im pissed, or confused.
yup im confused.
if i am to have a PhD, will I go ahead to be whatever that's fitting to my title, or will I maybe pursue a totally different path?
for one thing, I will most probably not be a professor, unless i do research which is another thing. imho, professors are the highest paying slackest jobs. i dun wanna boring job no matter how high paying it is.

i have just arrived at a conclusion to that bugger question i have been thinking about.
why am i here?
for one thing, I don't believe that uni is the only way to go. it is in my opinion, a easy way to go, for people who have no fucking idea what they want to do in life.
i have zero threshold for ppl who choose to study courses like Accountancy, even more if it's because it is a "zero risk" occupation. unless u are genuinely into accountancy, i have nothing to say.
"zero risk"? you can bloody go kiss my toilet bowl.

why am i here?
i am here to find out what exactly do i want.
i am the kind of person who will do things for the sake of i haven't done it before (certain things out of the question). a PhD should be the ticket that can get me everywhere, it shouldn't be the limiting reagent.

although actually i think money is thee ultimately most important ticket that can get me everything i want.

okay, second thing i want, money.

with money, it's not about branded apparels, branded cars, branded whores. it's about going to places, seeing things. i want that, desperately.

concrete plan? kiss my bloody toilet bowl again.
dun have.
and i'm sure by sitting on it, it will open up to me one day.
anyhow, i should begin with saving and investment.
as much as i hate to study such things, i might just do so. awed.

independence. once im financially independent, my destiny will begin.
for now,
observe and learn.
and kaobeh as many dumb shits as possible.
tell me "zero risk" one more time, i make you risk everything you've got.

zero risk...

and i am pissed by egoistic ppl who should slap themselves silly.
and i am pissed coz i gonna wake up to a monday. fuck.

dum dee dum

wow i feel that my life is in a whirlpool and im just cruising along. why am i doing what i am doing??
do i really want a university cert?
do i really want to be this person i am going to be??

anw...darn my recess week is over! and i have Lab3 to submit tomorrow and my tutor just requested me to redo my sit-in-lab all over again!~ FML~~
even with all these things piling up, i am here nua-ing like it doesn't matter.

yadda doom dee dumm yadda doom doom dum yadda yadda yadda

i am lost and dunno whr im ggoing

as i was saying, i am absolutely lost and dont know where i am going. I have lost focus and have lost perserverence. i begin to question what I want in life, and I begin to question myself, who am I? The point of me existing is elusive and I basically have no idea what I want from life, and what I want from me.

religions are the last thing i will turn to, so for now, let me draw something out for me, and in the mean time, i should wander around and explore.

screwed up shit

it seems when the mood is not right, anything can go wrong. as much as I want to do well for my interview, my sianness just take over all of it and poof, went my interview and my first impression. I hate the "about me" question TTM! I should totally write one essay about how ppl shouldn't ask the "about me" qn during interviews coz it is insincere ttm. walao sian sian sian.

fuck this complicated world, angsty ttm

actually i'm quite grateful towards danny for telling me those things, and I do feel rather blessed to not have gotten any of that kind of thing happen to me, even though I did have my fair share of youthful stupidity that backfired on me. a night's sleep on this topic did make me a more mature person I feel, it is undeniable that people always wear a mask, showcasing this part of them that they want people to know, while I have always stressed to myself to be truthful to myself and thus to others, being just myself everywhere I go and without any mask of any kind. Now I learn to see this mask in a different light, it may not be hypocrisy, it's a kind of protection. Now I also realize that I shouldn't bare myself to anybody coz it's like leaving my flesh out for show without my skin. my mask will be painted with my true colours, but it will be a mask that shields away those things I'm awfully sensitive to.

I feel glad that I have realised that I need to protect myself, makes me feel very much a more matured person :)it seems that what used to concern me is not so important anymore, I have to know what is the most important things to me. what is unchanged is that I really do need to work on my perseverence, I am now unaccomplished because I give up too easily. which is a difficult change to make in myself, but I have to change it because it's good to me ultimately.

relationship-wise, i'd just leave it to fate lar, :). nothing to be hassled over and worried about, it comes it comes. still I am grateful I have met good friends along the way to guide me along, and make it easier to move on.

yup, back to persevered mugging!

not really a good time to blog

as i said its not a good time to blog, im have way through my Chapter 1 of Linear Algebra, and tomorrow the lecture is on Chapter 4, awesome. Laggin like shit is catching up on me! another time, life's been a heck of fun and anxiety and all feelings mixed together, i feel alive and i need sleep like never before. im turning nocturnal no doubt, and getting fat as well, shit. and i dunnid ppl to keep reminding of that fact, it happens that the more i dun want to hear something, the more i hear of it. irritating. oh wells, anyway, i have a pile of work to do. which i am unwillingly slackingly doing. good job and a cup of coffee to myself. tadas

BU SHUANG TTM!

I am damn bu shuang ttm.
hall is a place of complex personal and interpersonal relations, whr to draw the line? whr to keep the distance? what's loose and what's not? why are ppl ever so superficial. uni is a place to learn ALOT of things other than what im supposed to study, its amazing and irritating at the same time. i hope i do not lose myself, lose sight of myself, mental note to myself:principles do not bend, keep my principles steady, keep myself steady, enjoy the time and make good lasting frenships that dont ever turn stale, or turn into anything.

Dream dream

I had a dream last nIght, it's about domestic violence, I could vividly remember. But of course it's not my domestic it was some other girl's sad life which I happen to know and tried to help. Details pretty much forgotten, one lasting impression is that in order to help that girl I lost my beloved backpack, I regretted alot alot all the way until I woke up i was still sad about the lost of my backpack. Lala turn out it's just a dream!

the dumb dating game is killing me

omg,i hate the kr dating game la, so bloody troublesome ttm!!! now im begging wk to help me wif chasing this guy i refused to chase coz i was damn lazy, i thought blind date was gonna be fine but the khaad woman just anyhow asign me one chui sri lankan guy, wad was i to do??? eeeeeeeeee, i want to just disappear on the day la. irritating ttm

Solar eclipse

It's a pity I can't be there in my hometown to watch the solar eclipse. Chengdu is one of the best spots to watch, although I think watching it in somewhere in India where the whole process begins will be yet another unforgettabe experience much more intense than watching it anywhere else. It was said that the sun rises out of the horizon as a huge black ball, seabirds will not sqwak as they are confused whether it is daylight already. At this point I wish I were a mere fishermen in India, money and what not are nothing compared to this experience of a lifetime. I can't claim that I have seen the solar eclipse coz I watched the process on tv, I feel exceptionally dumb when I was so excited and snapping pictures of my tv screen. Sadly despite all good things about iPhone, I can't seem to upload pictures straightaway, not that the pictures are a big deal coz they were snapped off my hugeass tv. Then again, I must thank modern technology for the live telecast of the entire process, the diamond ring is astonishingly beautiful!! I am glad I caught a glimpse of it even though it was from the tv.

It was said solar eclipse can affect people's lives in a psychological way (not sure whether this is the right way to put it), many who have seen it spend much of their fortune and time to catch just another glimpse, to enjoy the tranquility once more. Well, I would definetly do that if I have the time and money. Imagine being proposed to under the "diamond ring", ultimate romanticism! Then again I bet the guy will be too busy watching the eclipse to care about getting down on one knee.

The sun symbolizes perfectness.

I heard that from the tv.

iPhone finally!!!!

Yayness I'm blogging on ma iPhone!!!! Fucking awesome!!! Seriously Its the best phone ever!!! Lalala kma berries

Back from Camp!

Yayeee~~~
I'm hooked with "yayee" and indian accent, all thanks to Castello ^^. Camp was much fun, and I love the peeps at SOC! They are uber fun and crappy, I like! Before I forget everything, I'd better write smth down, so I could look back in 50 yrs and smile to myself.

First day, always the most boring day in camp, u go with the thought "sucks i wanna go home" spinning in ur head. Lugging everyth thr was ultimate Pui-shit, and I just random bang into ppl and say sorry until i couldn't care less. most memorable thing in day 1: lugging 200pounds across the country :), chao funny ice-breaking games tt made me laff till cry, sleeping on the floors of SOC and constantly having random ppl walk past and say "woah lidat oso can". Not forgetting the fright I got when I thot i was the only girl in the OG, and the sigh of relief when Chuying appeared.

2nd day, some amazing race, run around and do station games and stuff. was pretty fun coz I had hilarious GLs. Oh and I somehow spread the "beetle" thing thr. Good. Then went to sentosa to check in to our bunk, lol, me n Chuying stayed in Bugis at costa sands. Dam good coz four beds to four ppl, no nid to squeeze. Afternoon was Chalet games, which made me laff so much I had to gasp for air. especially Charade, which is to pass the msg down by acting it out, i must get the video they took.

3rd day, beach games, cant rmb much except i was alittle disappointed. but owell, I enjoyed the company :) at night revealed our secret pals, and I got 2, one Tony one Randy, haha. Both are really cool guys, yayeeee. and thn night walk, which i was disappointed coz nobd sprang up to scare ppl, for safety reasons...aft which, we last min discuss performance item, which is to sing chorus from many many songs, and somehow we came up with www.ChangGE.com "Anyhow ZHNG, Anyhow Chang" just laff until my stomache burst.

4th and final day, watch perf, break camp, go eat lunch, thn supper.

well, it was fun despite my boring writing. and anw its more for myself to read. I await the photos and Partyworld outing!!!!

4th n final day

I need to grow up...

Its been long...and now i nid to rant.
I am now a prospective undergraduate, long string of words that bring me joy, glory and some unintended jealousy (srry bout tt, but I AM gg to uni, so u can go suck ur boogers). I feel that I nid to grow up, mentally, I can't continue to think like I am that kid who's loved by all those around her, I nid to get used to the idea that I cant fall back on my parents anymore (not that they mind, but i mind). They have done SO much for me, that I feel the weight of my responsibilities pressing on me, and i really do feel bad to take any more money from them. I do hope that my promise of a 6 digit monthly allowance for them materialise, it will be the one thing i will ever be proud of myself.
i was in a bad mood today. bad for no apparent reason. i was rolling my eyes the whole time! cant believe its happening...we've been SO close! up to now, though. which i sincerely feel sad about, but really cant help it happening. sad sad sad sad.
then i realise, i can be friendless (not entirely true, but sometimes i feel this way ), but i am still satisfied becoz my Dad is my Best friend. he can always see the reason behind my tempers, and my anger dissipate before him. just Poof! i m happy again. I am REALLY glad that I am so LUCKY to have my Dad. and Im even more glad to be close to him, we spend so much time together, and I am so happy to be with my Dad. I know i sound kind of anti-social, but really whats the use of 100 friends when u alr have a BEST Friend? then again, I do appreciate the friends I have made over the years, and many of whom I absolutely adore. but over the years, i indeed have lost some CLOSE frens...nth really happened, but we juz slipped into oblivion. I do wish they do not forget me, for I have not forgotten about them.
my dad told me, "be grateful to those who made u learn"---ppl who cheated u, ppl who reprimand you, ppl who are jealous of u---u muz be grateful to them---for they make u realise important things, and force u to gain maturity. altho its pretty hard to turn hatred into gratitude, i do realise the changes those events made on me. for now, i will not get cheated again, i can deal with ppl with ultimate-suck-ass-attitudes, and i can have smiley conversations with green-faced jealous ppl. well, i am a much better person.
despite my lament about how much i dont like terribly-self-centred-ppl, i realised i am one myself, talk about contradiction. every man for himself, rite? thn again, i still dont like it, even tho i accept it. lament lament lament.
ranting is a less violent outlet for me, i almost went violent juz now, i was shouting and banging things, i guess its pms... then again ranting not really enuf, gg to run later to forget abt the sick world in my brain.
on a happier note, iPhone 3G S will be on sale in Spore in JULY! I am sooooo gonna get it. and well those iPhone-haters can shove their omnia,viewty,nokia 5800, arena, htcs--up their little ass and continue to live in denial that IPHONE is ultimately the best mobile ever!

Data-entry I kiss you Goodbye ^^

IN just about another 30 hrs, I am leaving behind a ton of boredom and slogging while skipping gracefully to boundless freedom. 幸福~~

Concluding my first and last office job, I'd like to say its been torturing and I will never do this type of job again, cross my heart. The good thing about this job...is that its not tiring, unlike my previous jobs that required me to stand 9 hrs in a row, this sitting job promotes sleepiness and butt expansion, plus mouth retardination, for i speak less than 10 proper sentences in a day. Autistic.

As we always have to learn something out of everything: I learnt job responsibility.
serious. In the beginning, I thought my job is mainly sai kang and backing up information, nothing much, not really worth the commitment and scrutiny. to my dismay, I WAS WRONG. And i had to clean up after myself in the end. While I was correcting my past mistakes, I actually felt like hitting myself, for giving myself extra work to do. This is wad 哑巴吃黄连，有苦说不出，meant.
Well, I'd say I had left an impression as the Physically Strong Swimmer, the girl who brings her own lunch everyday, the pink ear piece, the soya milk, the computer geek, the printer technician, the doorbell answerer, shorts and sandels, the GUNBOUND, the 边工作，边看戏, the 没有规矩，basically the only person to tahan so long. Haiz, I love myself for my new found perserverence. Now my mom will have nothing to say, ha, no more accusing me of having no 毅力, I have hardcore proof now.
honestly, i won't miss anybd here, especially 唐勇, whom I am already forgetting. nah, not saying that the ppl are not nice, they are nice, and nice is a useless word. So, being nice doesnt make me rmb them. But I will rmb Annie, simply because she's pregnant. aha. and she's the one who didn't scold me for what mistakes I made. partly being she's nice/pregnant, partly because im wise enuf the keep quiet and look pitiful :)
ha~, I am gonna keep away from Lavender for a really long time. sheesh.
and, I am just happy that I no longer need to see the word Grangeford, or Leonie Hill, for the rest of my life.
Then again, this might be the only job that allows me to watch shows while working. Lemme count the shows that I watch at work.
American Idol
America's Next Top Model
我的帅管家
Katekyoshi Reborn
ONE PIECE (heart shape)
爱就宅一起
终极三国
and play Gunbound at the same time.
oh, and I learnt to use MS Excel, muahahah, who wanna know how to create a drop-down list in excel???
yup....
yay, one more day!!!! :):):):):):):)

sai

my boss just said i have no manners, fuck.
coz i din bother to say hi to him when he entered and i was at the door.
so, SORRY i din realize the shimmering boss just entered and I was brought up so badly that I ignored you, my many apologies.
sai.
so niao, not as if i said hi ur business will increase.
ok, fine, my bad, i din bother with social customs.
真是没规矩。
ok, i shall rmb this, nxt time, i will hi so big u regret ever saying this.

aiya, im not good with critisisms, i think i shall learn to accept them and turn them into something good.
counting down to 30th April....10 more days!
aaaargh
10 more days i can kiss this bloody sai goodbye.
good!

rarrrrr siannnnnnn

i wnat to quit my fking job!!!!! sai!

hohohohoh

oh dear! got this one guy's name is

Salmon David

blob blob blob

hahahahha

oh dear, sorry but i have to laugh....anw i came across this name, so funny i laughed in the quiet office. behold.....

MA MU MU AYE

yes its a name! lalalala. i want a fren whose name is ma mu mu aye..
lol shuddup brain, i cant concentrate on my work.
mamumu~~~AYE~~~
ma~mumu~a-eyeee
mamu~mamu~mamu AYE!!!
lol i can come up wif a cheer for her. lOLzzzzz

double standards

im irritated by the fact tht many people complain that im not sensitive to their feelings, while they totally dun care about mine. stop it, my world does not revolve around u!

emotional

i had a emotional breakdown ytd, and i want to thank Shiqi for being there, listenin and consoling me.
from now on, I decide where to draw the line, I will not be treated carelessly and unimportantly anymore.
I now know it is actually my mistake that I allow ppl to treat me however they like, because most of the time i keep mum about my thoughts and feelings. and i suffered coz of that. so now on, no more silent sufferings.

i have a temper actually

i had always thought im a person without a temper, except towards my parents who have bigger tempers than me. most of the time, when im out my home, i leave my temper and anger and frustration back in, or i keep them tucked deep beneath my iron skin. had i always thought that having little or no emotions, I will be better able to survive and live through with less pain and scars, i have to think otherwise now.

just sunday, i discovered my temper and my anger are less deeply hidden than i thought. the incident took place on the bus, i was with my Dad. somewhere early in the trip, this group of disgustingly Beng-looking and vulgaricious and music-blasting stupid idiots boarded the bus, and sat behind us. I totally feel sad for their parents, coz if my kid grow up to be like that, I'd rather have given birth to a plant. Thn again i feel sorry for them, coz they probably don't have loving and responsible parents like I do, who teaches me manners and discipline and respect. while they filled the bus with their alphebets (namely KNN or CCB or Knnccb...), and blasting Jay chou's Dao Xiang away, I tried very VERY hard to ignore them. I was thinking to myself, that if they were to play the game "1,3,6" which is to call the numbers out but skipping those with 1,3 or 6, in the version of "knn, ccb, knnb" I bet they will run out of things to say.

despite their freaking idiotic public display of stupidity, we kept our opinions to ourselves. what pulled the last straw was when my father was talking on the phone, they made fun of him. Nobody makes fun of MY FATHER! I was literally shaking with anger. After a few eye daggers, they became even more ostentatious, and I on the other hand was about to burst, while my father happily chats away on the phone. so, i turned around and stare them straight in the eye, and said "excuse me, will you Shut the Fuck Up". honestly, i was proud of myself, because this time, I DID NOT PUT UP WITH THE RIDICULE and I STOOD UP TO IT, overthrowing my ever so cowardly self. and i give credit to the dumbasses coz they actually do understand english and did shut up, but they should slap themselves silly anyway.

after we got down from the bus, I got a lecture from my Dad. He told me I should have kept my composure and totally ignored them, instead of getting all angry myself. Because "being angry is a punishment to yourself for the wrongs that other people did". True.
Now, Im abit confused. Because one hand I think having a temper is not a bad thing, the other I think being angry at other people is dumb.

So, I have made up my mind,
no more silent sufferings, no more putting up with anti-Chinese sentiments, and at least if I am angry I will make known about it. If I am punishing myself for ur mistake, I make sure you have a horribler time than me.

ONE PIECE!!!!!

i dunno how many posts have i written that is about ONE PIECE. I am gonna write another one.

ONE PIECE IS MY INSPIRATION, READING ONE PIECE MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL, MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE! AND LUFFY, IS A BLOODY MIRACLE!!! MY GOD! ONE PIECE MUST NEVER END!!!!

I am pissed

OK, I have decided not to put up with this anymore. What's wrong with you people!? What's with all the "CHina-man, Cheena-man" name-calling??? In what position are you to be making such a fuss about other people???

firstly, I do sort of understand how the locals feel towards them, or us, seeing us as people who invade your country, take away your jobs, pollute your country, whatever! and if you people cant see the reason behind all these, I suggest you go through primary school again. For one, we never did invade your country. Your government "invited" us over, and for what reason?? It's you people who are selfish and reproductively challenged, so much that ur government worry that there won't be any people to run the country in another 50 years, when all ye old buggers die out. Plus, foreign workers are not only from China, I see eurasians, americans, brits...whatever, and how come I don't hear any names for them??? how do you know that those blond hair and green eyes don't pollute your country, don't take away ye jobs, they bloody once invaded your country!! and I guess that part of ye memory is buried under all the dirty money ye earning from them.
then again, i find it disgusting when the local chinese TAKE PRIDE in the fact that they can't speak chinese, know nuts about their history and heritage. And I tink I dunnid to remind you that your ancestors came from mainland China. So what if that was history, now ye are all Singaporeans, ye are no longer Chinese. Are ye gonna rewrite history like the Koreans and say something like Confucius was from Singapore originally.
OK, to be fair, I do see the fact that sometimes what we do, how we act can be disturbing, different. This has to do with the demography whatever in my country. 13 billion people, and more than half do not get proper education beyond high school. Being under-educated is not their fault, because its way too big a population for the central gvt to cater to all. Singapore is one of the cleanest, safest country, one critical reason is that it is SMALL. of course easier to cope and spread the resources wad.
uurghsh....
hopefully i live to see the day when I never again see the condescending look in people's eyes when they talk about us. China is a strong and magnanimous nation, and us Chinese will infiltrate every corner of the world, and till that day, ye all just have to swallow that fact that calling us names is just another childish habit ye didn't leave it where ye should have left it

i was bored at work

and i googled "bored at work" and i found this http://www.ubersite.com/m/85129
my god, go read if ya bored at work too.
i swear ima nvr eat a nugget agn. this bugger is crazy, lols, blooody good entertainment dude

ONce again: I LOVE ADAM LAMBERT!!!!

This is no secret actually, I'm horrible slacker at work, muahahah. I just watched American Idol: Micheal Jackson Ep, And I was BLOWN AWAY!!!! really, i crashed two walls and found myself in the office next door. HOlY, Ima listen to Michael Jackson all day long and dance to myself, or wriggle in the chair actually, and enjoy spasms of joy travel through ma body. HOly, and Adam Lambert is just captivating!!! wooot!! I wooted softly in the office and couldn't stop bobbing and mini-waving my arms around infront of the computer screen. Yay, love internet TV, best thing ever!

Side story: last night, I dreamt that I was balding. seriously horrifying! the dream was sooo real, I saw myself touch my hair and just one huge waft of hair came tumbling down!!!! my god, im sure i screamed in my sleep. Best thing was my secondary school crush was professing his love for me, but the whole time i was trying to cover up the hideous hole on my head! so when i woke up, first thing i did was not open my eyes, I reached up to feel my hair. God, was I ever glad to find hair on my head. Heavenly. and the whole time I was getting dressed for work, I was dancing to Ayumi's songs blasting it at top volume and not giving a heck whether I wake the baby next door. another thing i realised, my dancing is HORRIBLICIOUSITY!!!! MY GOD, if anyone saw me dancing, they'd laugh so hard they fly all the way to Laughland. Soooo, when i get my meagre pay come the 7th, Ima seriously gonna enrol in a dance class. Bite me.

PS LOVE ADAM LAMBERT!! AND I DUN CARE HE'S GAY!!!