Fancy how everything is so wonderful :)

Great. It feels like after a 16 hr sleep, everything, really, Everything is wonderful. And I hope this feeling lasts.

The series revolves around vapid blonde and aspiring model, Deb Dobkins (played by Brooke D'Orsay in the pilot and in flashbacks), who is killed in a car crash. As her soul enters the gates of Heaven, she finds herself declared a self-centered "zero" (meaning she has performed zero good deeds and zero bad deeds during her time on earth; she is simply shallow) by the gatekeeper Fred. After not liking what she hears, she presses for a return to her former body, hoping to get back to Earth. Deb gets her wish, only to be brought back to life in the body of a recently deceased, intelligent, overweight lawyer named Jane Bingum. Initially horrified, Deb – in her new human form – discovers the meaning of inner beauty as she finds the ability to juggle legal cases, aided by her assistant Terri, while attempting to reconnect incognito with her still-grieving boyfriend, Grayson Kent, who just started working at Jane's law firm. At the same time, Deb begins to rediscover her past while learning more about her inherited body's current life and how Jane was treated when she was alive. In addition to former gatekeeper Fred (who was demoted to guardian angel and had been assigned to watch over her at the law firm), only Deb's long-time mortal friend Stacy knows Jane's true identity.

Super elated when I found out that Drop Dead Diva Season 2 is out!!! Claps fantastically!!!

It's a amazing drama with "a intrinsically well crafted storyline" (quotes myself haha). I don't think I should recount the entire story here because it will be an understatement, and YOU should really watch it to see for yourself. Once again, watching Drop Dead Diva magically makes me feel great, about myself, and about everything.

know what, I always feel that the characters in U.S dramas all have this way of speaking that is so ... refined. It sounds so fluent and they enunciate every word in a way that we could only fake it and fail it.

ROME! ITALY! NAPLES!

I am reading this book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's an awesome book. Not only does it reek of quirky humor and hilarity, it also magically makes me feel very womanly, even sexy! (I'm gonna pretend nobd reads this) Really!! I was reading it on the bus, and all of a sudden because of the turn of story, I felt like kissing everyone I see. (and when a certain surprising person board the bus, I felt like smooching him ><, it was a emotional tug!) and it was freaking 7 am in the morning, usually I'd be dead sleeping swinging my head side to side and drooling myself silly, but I felt energetic and was bobbing up and down and laughing to myself on the bus at that inhuman hour. Power book totally.

and because of the book, I have this urge to go backpacking in Italy, to experience that beautiful country the author so fervently describes. There is this place in Naples that makes the BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD!!!! author's logic being, best pizza comes from Italy, best pizza in Italy comes from Rome, and best pizza in Rome comes from Naples, and this place sells the best pizza in Naples!!! oh wow! she loves her pizza and illusion-ed her pizza loving her back!!! double wow!! i wanna eat that pizza toooo!!!

secretly planning backpacking trip to Rome alr. even though I have never traveled out before. I should and I must, so I will. weeeee

side note, just came back from SoC precamp, beginning to love the FOC com :) :) and Im damn happy to have spoken to my sole dear lovely eyecandy :):):):):)

yay and badminton competition and beerfest this week.

Indicator zzz

Had a dream last night, which I seriously think indicates I am getting over the top.

Dream first:

My good friend brutally snipping off my hair which I din noe was so long in my dream. Out of jealousy I guess. Then I got even by pulling hers out. Pretty much a bloody and stupid dream.

Now how this seem to be an indicator to me.

I mean recently I have received positive comments on how I look, and you know, increased attention because of it, yes ego boost ttm. But I shouldn't let it get to me, as in, I should maintain that looking pretty is second to alot of things. What I need most now is not just to look pretty. It's good feeling to be commended, especially by a hot guy, but ZWY u must remain calm!!! See in the dream, it's blatant that I imagined myself to be pretty enough to garner jealousy. That is soooo over the top.

So point of the post is that:

I must remain calm and sane and not go down the over-boosted ego route and end up feeling stupid about in the future.

ohm....

Ranting

I have not ranted for so long, life has been great for just that weeny short period of time.

Actually if I were to ponder over what I want to rant about, they aren't really all that rant-worthy. I mean it's all about where you set the pass/fail line, sometimes I set it higher, so that I can be more tolerating and uncalculating, sometimes the line just drop low enough for a tiny ant to make me blow my top. Today, it's pretty much low, and my mom is the trigger.

I am 100% positive that my Mom is undergoing menopause. What else explains the quarrel over something that didn't even happen?! Just a passing remark saying that if my clothes hanging outside gets stolen, I should not be blamed because where else you want me to hang the clothes? and it's the thief who should be blamed what, rite? and there she goes....spewing her big ideals about how perfect I would be if I would just drop that bad habit of doing wrong things. I mean, WTF? doing wrong things is a bad habit??? I habitually do wrong things??? and if I change my ways, i will be perfect???

why must I be perfect??? I simply can't be perfect.. I am a flawful person and so are you! what's wrong with having loads of pimples? what's wrong not appearing on a school video that I happen to be watching? things are just the way they are!!!! stop asking me explain to you how and where I find all my songs and torrents and how come I have facebook and you don't.... it's essentially because you don't use the internet! and don't ask me to teach you internet because I already did!! you just need to read and click on the links, and it's just that fucking simple!

there and then my dad will chime in, telling me how a filial daughter should be. I should be obediently and quietly listening to them, with a dumb smile on my face just so to keep them happy. hello!!!! i'm sure that's not what being filial means. not in my book anyway. seriously I don't see why you can freaking tolerate my fucking shit piece cousin but still be able to find things to pick on me. by comparison I'm like bloody perfect against that piece of godforsaken poo pile. and yet, u can even start a quarrel with me regarding "WHAT IF my clothes get stolen!"

yea yea, i will be understanding. I will keep all I have to say here and if you happen to read it, which is near impossible, because even if I leave it on in your face you won't bother reading it but will just demand that I explain it to you. I snorts.

oh well, retail therapy tomorrow.

hahahha third post

digimon is just bland...I watch for the evolution only. zzzz

abit hard to find anime that is up for my tastes nowadays. really...some are just bland and normal and inferior larrrr...

in which case, I think digimon is pretty well done considering the target audience is 10 years younger than me now lol, zomg freaking old, I should watch some adult films befitting my age.

anyhow, now i watch for different things in anime compared to before. like how the plot unfolds, how they 伏笔 and make connection later. see, that is some standard lol.

Oh most mention worthy, lol, Brandon just keep saying im "beautiful", i laugh madly and uncontrollably. Yay good job keep it up!! wahahaha

slightly amused at their affair at supperclub according to jess. actually very amused. but then, find it abit sad for w. oh well, which is why i rather keep myself away from such things, easier to stand on the sidelines n watch. awkward much i imagine for them. look forward to updates, JESSLAI! ehehehe

LONG overdue post

While watching digimon, I shall recount the recent happenings.

first things first, results. It is utmost frustrating how I have no A, I expected at least 3 of them. Shen me da bian. But I successfully got rid of 1231, that calls for a party, weee. Anyhow, I shudder at the prospect of another stressful school sem upcoming.

Camp Blue Blood last week. It was nice. To get the full KR experience, I should at least go for CBB once, even though not as a freshie. I am no longer a camp person I realized, I no longer enjoy the dayless nightless activities and merry-making as much as I used too, getting old... but making more friends is still fullfilling as ever. Upcoming camps are much much procrastinated, totally no mood to go for camps, yucks. Faculty camp suck my balls u idiot asshole....zzzz...rant rant rant...

Now I am a senior, I look back at my freshmen year, it came n went so freaking fast. I have done somethings I have always wanted to do, and I have done some stupid enough things that cost me greatly. But this is how life is supposed to be right, make hell lot of mistakes haha, and do stupid things while I can afford to rite. Even though sometimes i regret doing the stupid stuff, but aiyo whats done can't be undone. Just prevent it from happening again in the future. zbzbzbzbz

right after camp, I had 2 days of flea, quite an interesting experience imo. first day was at kbox@cine, freaking 8 storeys up in the air, where got people organize flea in such a place one?? No foresight entirely. so first day is 0 sales, zbzbzbz. BUt there was free kbox, so we just spammed. As much as someone laughs at my singing, I still think tt my singing not bad lor. There was this other tenant her singing is out of this world la, omg, like heart-attack + asthma altogether, should totally have recorded her 当你。。。just jing dian. lol. Then when this 2 person were singing 为你了而活, lol Stepf just "我不要为了你而活". at least my voice is pleasant.

Thereafter second day we got a free space at Scape Youth Park as compensation for the 0 sales on first day, I actually sold quite alot of my old clothes, happy. There was this Auntie who piss the shit out of me, just sai 2 dollars into my hand and took my shirt away, when I insisted 5 dollars. New tactic learnt, bruteforce.

thn, i was sick for 5 days. urrrgh. being siiiick is sian, when there's nbd to take care of you. nobd to cook for me, nobd to take my temperature, it's just me and my lappy in my sick bedroom nursing my burning forehead. wow, it's not that sad actually, but it would have been nice if I had someone bustling around me taking my temperature, feeding me medicine yadda yadda. ohwells.

anw, gg rollerblading tmr!!!! eggCITED!

mua

took one whole day to iron my 'sell pile', wa ironing is a bitch! my right shoulder is minorly dislocated. and my iron is a killer weapon seriously, keep getting scorched, @#$#@%$#@!!@#

anyhow, after ironing my clothes, they suddenly seem more want-worthy, probably up the price by 50 cents for my ironing efforts. I won't even price them high because seriously I don't wear them anymore, I might as well be paying people to help me get rid of them, my main intention is to get rid of them. buhbye suckers!!! weee

seriously looking at all the stuff I've bought over the years, it's pretty much a shame. as much of a utilitarian, I am shocked to have so many things that I have never worn. I couldn't understand why I bought them. I hope my potential good-hearted customers have eyes of jewel and see the beauty in my stuff.

yay going swimming, hope the pool is not crowded and i don't sink

omg i am torn i am torn.....shud i go sch tmr??

it's duty against wishes....

nvm, i shall reply after i wake up tmr.

i feel like lazing away tmr, but games is wat i signed up forrrr, and i shud do my job properly.

yucks....

omg i think i need man's pants to contain my fat ass butt..........fml

ew my bank account balance is very depressing :(

i wanna high paying job for god sake.

tuition is good money but its no biggie if its 1 hr per week at 25ph.

"因为有太多无聊的人用吃奶的力气互相攻击，我就纳闷了，这些人为什么没被气球给砸死，没被唾沫给淹死，被皮卡丘吓死。明明没必要存在在这个世界上，非要写点儿歌来污染大气。"

超级搞笑ttm!!!!

hahaha i got my phone back.

There really are good samaritans around.

Altho the man seemed reluctant and pissed off, THANK U SO MUCH LADY!

I'm sorry i put u through two days of struggle and I applaud your kindness in deciding to do the right thing.

I am gonna strap my phone to the bottomless pit of my being so that it will never drop out of my pocket ever again!

feels great :)

and all phones should get EMOJI! its damn freaking cute.

i amaze at my stupidity.

i amaze at how the day could start out so well, and take a sharp turn into screwality just like that.

what happened?

I lost my phone. :)

The course of losing it is simple. it slipped out of my pocket. Stupid phone.

oh well, I have beaten myself up a hundred million times already, I could really use some consoling. :)

Then I shall rant. Me hate Singtel to eternity and beyond. Singtel has no compassion and have no interest in their customer. I hereby condemn singtel's services and all peripheral whatever shit they have. You really think a simple "i'm sorry to hear that mdm" could solve my problem? No, it doesn't, and the constant upping the price I have to pay is even hair-grippingly irritating. Hello! 600 bucks??!! 300 of which is tips for yall! you think I have no idea. SUCK MY TOILET BOWL U MONEY SUCKING IDIOTS! you have just chased away a valuable customer. and i'm never gonna look back.

oh wells, still I am the ultimate sucker.

why do I keep doing stupid things????

If I were to recount the lame things I have done, I could take one million years.

Seriously, nobody did it TO me, i brought it UPON myself each time!

The horror...

when it dawned on me, I felt sooooo bloody horrible, I felt like biting myself.

what's bloody wrong with me????

on the other hand, I don't want to beat myself up too much. It's really not the end of the world. Losing a phone is really painful (losing an iPhone is even more so), it's like losing an organ. I shall for now enjoy my 24 hours of phoneless solitude, till tmr when I reconnect with the world using my laocock phone.

seriously, I cannot settle for a non-iPhone phone, I really can't. iPhone has soooo made my life better, I simply can't do without it.

oh wells, goodbye my old phone. I've used u for less than a year. and it's been pretty hectic with you around. yet I can't live without you. I'm gonna get a different you from a different provider soon even though your more advanced brother are coming out soon.

how much would like suck without a phone?

lemme get back to u. :)

GOOD MORNING

while i was brushing my teeth, two things crossed my mind.

1) My pain-in-the-butt cousin will soon be GONE!

2)My new found understanding to the act of ''acting cute"

ahh, i can't begin to tell how much it means to me to be rid of the worm I call my cousin. It's been a good 3 years I had to put up with a big fat walking stranger with a freaking bad attitude and horrible brought-up. And now he's about to be gone, I actually feel a mixed tug of feelings. Honestly, he has been pretty nice to me some times,to the extend that made me consider patching things up with him. but it always falls short and I can never forgive him entirely. It just made me think back maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh on him then, and maybe our relationship could be better. And then, I look at how he treats my parents, that teeny bit of likening flies straight out of the window. Seriously if you want me to hate you for the rest of your life, just be mean to my parents. Oh wells, soon, very soon, HE WILL BE GONE!! smilie face x 1000000000000000000000000000000!!!!

secondly, my new found understanding of the act of 'acting cute'. Lately I have observed this act is actually a formidable weapon, even my Dad uses it sometimes, ha. Even though I used to despise such acts, I now see it differently. My theory "Acting cute is excusable when you did come across as cute, it is unforgivable when you fail." (wow, my worm of a cousin is talking loudly in his room, see this kind of small things gets on my nerves, and make me an evil old woman)

as such, good morning. and pasir ris later, major sun blast and sweat buckets I foresee. shudder shudder

hahaha omg i can't believe what i just bought......:):):):)

i am laughing my ass off, and damn happy that i bought it.

hahahahahahhahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lemme tell you what 'jealousy' is.

From wiki : Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.

wow, in that case, mine is more of envy...but if my envy grows stronger, it will sooner or later become that whole bunch of negative feelings above mentioned.

right now, i envy this person who has smth that I want, but I can't have. :(

and it feels pretty awful to be enviousing aimlessly. there's pretty much nth i can do about it.

sad face x10000000000000000000000000000000000

KMA comclub

I DIE OSO WONT GO FOR YOUR DUMB MEETING! KICK ME OUT NOW!

First dance class today! (omg, my fingers are numb from playing guitar, swollen finger tips)

it was really FUN! omg. I was quite glad that I could keep up with the pace, and was pretty comfortable infront of the mirror. Not to forget the wonderful company BANANA CHOCOLATE FONDUE hahaha.

really, it's no wonder good dancers emit charm like nobody's business, because in dance, people really only look at GOOD dancers, nobody will bother to look at the lousy ones, so there is really no lose face factor, because nobody will bother, everyone is busy looking at the zai ones. anw my point is, in dance, you can only be good, if not there's no point dancing unless you dance for urself to see only. But anyway, so far so good, going again on TUES! muahaha, excited.

thereafter we went to DEMPSEY FLEA MARKET, woosh, it was fun! I din buy much tho, but the anticipation to find good and cheap stuff is enough to keep us going. lol, I walked to this table, and picked up this GUCCI bag, (which I din noe is gucci bcoz im brand unconscious) so I asked how much is it gg for, and the lady gave me 3 fingers, i went " :o 3 dollars???!!!" and she went "no 300". wow. thn she went on to tell me how unique and good that bag is and how worth it the price is, blah blah. oh well, my current flea-principle is "nth above 10". altho, it should be "cheap and good" but for all i know, that 300 bucks Gucci bag may be 'cheap and good" too, yet I can't afford it, so principles change to adapt to my financial ability. Anyhow, still love good fleas, and I'm looking forward to selling my old clothes, my little square of a room is running out of space, so much so that I'm overflowing to other rooms.

ahh. life is good these days. :)

Aircon, and freedom :):):)

I AM FINALLY HOME!

After waiting my ass off, Danny finally showed up and helped me move my stuff home.

I am 100 million grateful!

thx thx thx.

zomg, really considering learning how to drive. even if no car, in such circumstances can still borrow people's car.

thn again, not practical.

learn dance and guitar first.

wow, one million things to learn.

ZHOU WAN YI: u must control yourself, I hereby warn you!

nobody is unworthy :)

ip man

can't get enough of ip man kicking ass. Just watched Ip Man 1, I feel inspired to learn 永春..

China's tumultuous history is deeply rooted in all our hearts (I hope), even though we had been bullied and suppressed and invaded so much, we are now on the rise again, and this time round, everyone watches in fear.

As a Chinese, the least I can do is to know who I am, and not be mislead by meaningless social stigmas and shallow stereotypes. All I can say is that those who don't recognize and treasure their heritage will one day be regretful. Those who turn with distaste at 5000 years of richness are just stupid inside-out. And those who take pride in the fact they can't even speak Chinese should be beheaded and publicly humiliated.

In this day and age, one can't reject a language or culture just because they killed and humiliated countless fellow countrymen decades ago. I have learnt both English and Japanese, and both the Anglos and Japanese have learnt Chinese. Despite the occasional internal tug, appreciating another's culture and communicating using their language has nothing to do with the grudge and hatred, which inevitably, still exist.

shameless much weeee, i might delete this post someday

caught ip man 2, I like the fighting alot, totally regret why am I not a guy, and why didn't I learn kungfu, it would be so cool if I could smugly beat the crap out of you when I don't like you.

haha, my fren made out with a guy and she likes it ahahaha (winks at you). Yay.

Honestly, I also want. ><

And I want big arms, with sexy vein, and big chest muscles, no moobs and no tummy pls.

And a little bit of chest hair.

zomg...whoever reads this, don't judge me, it's biologically inscribed in me, you can contribute by helping me find.

and he must not be shorter or smaller than me.

woot.

I have started planning my holidays already, with one impending paper still 4 days away.

anw, just a simple list:

1) things to buy

• guitar (black colour)
• roller blades
• a cool haircut
• a tattoo(?)
• macbook?
• new mobile plan

2) things to sign up for/learn

• studiowu
• culinary class
• guitar
• photoshop and illustrator
• relaxing part-time job
• give chinese tuition/give tuition ?

3) other misc. stuff

• go kbox
• Thaipan outing
• go HOME!
• JAY CHOU CONCERT
• ROLLERBLADE
• WINDSURF
• DRAW

and so the list remains incomplete and awaits to be updated

omg I JUST REALIZED:

I HAVE LONG HAIR!!!!

WO....

CompClub MC

omg, just saw this email from the compclub president, seems like there's work to do during the hols. Me gravitate towards just ignoring it and run away since I've already gotten the mc points to allow my hall stay nxt sem. LOL major must thank them for the 10 points even though I nv did anything remotely related to them. I have never liked to be student leaders, especially this kind of com members, not just bury yourself in mounts and mounts of junk and shit jobs, you work your ass off for ungrateful people like me. hahaha. Im not ashamed, I just refuse to do their stupid work and attend their stupid meetings, the most they can do is kick me out of the com, which I seriously don't mind, I even want it. So alios, suckers :):)

the only thing I will feel bad about is Michael is the marketing director, I'm supposed to assist him, oh well, if he asks me of anything then I will poke two knives in my ribs for him, but if he doesn't I will just enjoy my well awaited holidays :):)

Not that I'm that repulsive of comm works, but I feel that it really depends on the people who are there, they should have some standards, even the president is shit lousy, what to expect??? and with people like me inside, woohoo, compclub is no club.

ALAN 阿兰达瓦卓玛

I AM GONNA SPAM HER VIDEOS.

PS: IRON MAN IS FUCKING AWESOME!

have been sleeping on and off this morn.

feels really tired. ugh

last night in my dreams, there were two odd things, and I still remember them.

1. My secondary school best friend SM did very sweet things like visiting me in hall, making huge board cards and notes and more notes and pasting them on my door.

2. 3 black crows were outside my window, and came into my room, and shat the whole place.

I am honestly bothered about the second one, coz I went to google, and people say it's never good to see crows, in real life, even so in dreams. It means people you know will die. Or you will hear of stories of people dying. But then I saw this one other post, that says one black crow means bad luck, but three means health!

Its all superstitions I know, but the image of the 3 black crows gawking and rustling outside my window really stays on my nerves and bothers me.

escapism ttm, wad a well-deserved break from it all, i felt like if i dont leave my body and soul will extinguish.

caught Date Night, it is an immensely surprising movie which I would like to make my parents watch, reignite the passion. Beneath it's seemingly mild pretense, it's a verbally-hilariously-vulgar show. There are lines like "Penis blood, there's gonna be alot of penis blood!" and "Shut your vagina!" and stuff like that. Noormally, I'd find the later line damn crude, but this one is just plain funny. HAveta find it on the net.

Fuck laundry, i want to sleep zzzzzzz

i look at some people's msn nick and i shudder in disgust.

feeling bitchy and irritated now.

Been staring at econs for the whole day. Somehow i just can't make myself study. the song 我的月光 by alan keep replaying in my head, and when i turn it on and sing along, it doesnt feel as nice as it was when it was in my head. Somehow, just somehow, I can't make myself do things that I have to do. watched a couple of movies in the afternoon, took a nap. Was all alone the whole day so much so that when I see people, I'm slow in reflexes thoughts and reaction. Abit of conversation during dinner cheered me up, I am sort of a people kind of person, can't handle aloneity without getting depressive. but sometimes, i am the other way round. and being in the same place for so long, is numbing to the point i don't even feel like cursing the situation. yet, cant find the reason to leave this place, because I know i have to be here. wow. actually i can just put on my jacket and go out for a walk. thing is, my econs is only halfway revised and is the paper... need to go out....need to see someone not from school....

2 down 3 to go

wew, 2 down n 3 more to go.

it is super mind boggling to do cs1101 paper, i feel like i have no brain left after it, gladly i finished the paper and im way confident.

nm2101 was slip shot, anyhow write, i can't find the essay way of writing back, more like talking on paper, you know, and anyhow come up with some terms to fill in those i cant remember, wow, stupid stubborn old idiots, lmao.

anyone want my notes?

haiz.

one thing i like more about home than hall is that, I can prance around butt naked and nobody gives a damn. Aspiring naturalist at home.

but, i get over relaxed and I don't study. sux.

I officially hate new media...omg...i want to live in a cave.

I come from a family of simple happiness. My mom, a simple hardworking woman, whose joy and happiness stems from the welfare of me and my Dad; my Dad, a simple hardworking man, whose joy and happiness swells from watching me grow, and watching my mom grow (laterally). My home, my family is a place of comfort and a source of pure joy.

Schadenfreude

scha·den·freu·de   [shahd-n-froi-duh]
–noun
satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

hahaha

LOVE LOVE LOVE

AKB48

Typical jpop I used to like back in secondary school. Till now, I'm still affectionately attached to such teenage idol groups from Japan. Anyway this is a song of self-motivation, using River to represent hardships and obstacles, of which one must believe that she can overcome regardless of how fast,how dark and how deep the river is. Hehe, thinking of taking Jap module next sem. :) and maybe go SEP in Japan??

Major dun like farewells

attended hall command just now. ended up crying like a kid.
I really cannot withstand such tears-beckoning activities, especially when I see people whom I usually think won't cry, cry, the tears bank just explode. Don't even dare to look at photos I took just now, must be fucking ugly. I took photos with certain seniors that I had a chance to know, and it's really very little, can count with 5 fingers. its always at times like this that I regret not going out to know more people and to know them better, and always at times of depart do I start to regret the time that I did not spend with those people who could potentially be rewarding life companions. Reminds me of my jc class, secondary sch class, even though we weren't all that bonded, the thought of departure just breaks me.
anyhow, to all the commanding seniors, you all are wonderfully inspiring and life would be different without u all, and all the best for yall future endeavors!

haaa

that (above:title) is supposed to be a sigh of pleasure and serenity. those that u emit after sipping fragrantful japanese tea, while sitting on a comfy tatami, overlooking the fallen flowers in your plantationally backyard.

supposed to be studying yo, which i put on hold while i started to sidetrack ..wow..2 hours ago. MUST STOP NOW.

Anyhow came across this person's profile on facebook http://www.facebook.com/ainara.gothburguese, her dp is oddly funny. and her website link brought me to this spanish site on death/goth/metal/punk/rock, all that stuff. Just by scrolling down looking at the cd covers gimme the cringe. its interesting to know that this sort of things exist, and one can't deny them just because one can't accept them. for all you know, this is their way to vent their frustrations, through so to remain sane.

ok, back to webcast. rarara

It's the time again

time to start muggin like there's no day and night, and there's no other thing I would love better to do. books and notes and webcasts, you and I are gonna fuse as one (quote stepf).

happily, my chest pain is miraculously gone, maybe coz of the vball session just now. Went down to play vball with Nus recrea vball people, last session of the sem already, it was quite good and the people were very nice. Was pleasantly surprised that Jiarong from hall was also there. haha he had alot to teach me. seriously think he is a very nice person, too bad he's leaving and today is the last time I will see him. fml...this is called no fate, good thing there's always facebook.

in my house, in my room, on my bed now. feeling zenned and peaceful, and happy.
Just wanna note that, the walk back to hall was pleasant even tho short.


loving this song

FUCKING CHEST PAIN GO AWAY!!!!!

AS max

at some points in time, I just like to pretend there's nobody around at all. I don't like to socialize for the sake of not appearing lonerish, I don't like to pop into conversations and start bragging about what's up with me (I don't like people who do that either). When such things/people happen, I choose to just walk away, then comes the difficult part, sometimes, I can't just walk away. You feel bad. For "pangseh-ing". But at the same time, I feel bad for wasting my time in situations I wish not to be in.
Sometimes these thoughts exemplify and I suddenly feel like an antisocial egg, I just want to roll into a comfortable corner. At times. Like now.

Anyhow, Dance Uncensored was awesome, sat in near-front-row seats, I could see the dancers' faces clearly, really expressive faces, it's really quite amazing.

Was watching this movie awhile ago, Lean on Me, played by Morgan Freeman as Principal Joe Clark. Another one of those inspiring education movies, where the one true stubborn educator boils through the system meltdown governed by corrupted self-proclaimed saints always saying "it's for YOUR own good.." yadda yadda. I feel that it's important to have someone you want to emulate, someone who could guide you through life by example.

Guiltless

I studied, so I'm guiltless.
And I scored full marks for quiz 2 cl2281. No it's not easy, and yes I am dam happy.
Just learnt that there's this guy Vernon from hall who studies double degree LAW AND LIFE SCIENCE....makes me feel sooooo small and incapable, and he is super involved in hall activities and doing well for both sides, godlike, major idolize him. If he can do it, I'm sure I can too, more so that I have only single degree, more so I must do my single degree well. ONWARD 5 A'ssssssssss!!!! I must grasp u's in my fingers and squeeze the juice out of u's, and taste the victory drop by drop.

Anyhow was reading the book called Games People Play. It provided explanations to many questions I previously had, and I find that everytime I start thinking about pointless things, averting to the theories from the book help to make it all seem simpler and less screwed up, and somehow I derive joy from it. I long for the day that I could trust myself to make the right decisions and not needing to be in control of myself all the time.

Very inspired to become a better person.
Very happy to have been me.

I don't know, I don't care.
:)))) like like

today is an unbelievable day.
first i spilled my guts out over some long over due issue that bugs me to no end, and there I thought finally its out of the system.
I slept only 2 hours, and now I am still awake.
I sat for a test which I briefly prepared for yesterday, and was amazed I could do translation pretty well.
Went for a totally random waterpolo game, and affirmed the fact that I do not like waterpolo at all, despite the sweltering hot bodies.
Faced my most imminent fear for the past many months, and found that actually it's not scary at all, and even though I don't know what I am feeling now, I know all has come to an end, and mama I must move on. To be or not to be, is not up to me to decide.

Whatever to whatever, I can only channel all energy to my work. Brain, please don't fail me and wander off to far away corners where I can't find you again. Less thoughts please.

major exhaustion.
and I give up, dump it all aside, I want to swing my hands as I walk.

grumbles....
I wish to take out my brain and ground it into a pulp and pour it into the mixer and further beat it into foam. Why am I thinking about useless things again?? so bloody irritating. thought i had gotten rid of it for good, its messing up my system AGAIN. Hate my bloody mind. GO TO HELL U I.D.I.O.T!!!!!

or maybe it's just my time of the month or the fact that today is a tuesday, the most hated day of the week.

Seriously, I can only foresee life to get harder and harder, and my patience getting thinner and thinner.

anyway, B&J free cone day today, as tradition I'd always go with ShiQi, haha, it's amazing that we have been friends for almost 10 years, and I've only got to realize how self-centred I seem to her, which I totally am not please, she just refuse to let me change out of that box she constructed of me in her mind. oh wells, its still an achievement to have a long 10 years friendship. cheers, and pray hard it goes on. at least till the day I make lots of money enough for her to leech on me, ahahahah.

blearhhhhh, so damn tired........:(:( and tutorials to do, suck big time.
and the permanent blood streak on my eye ball is bothering me.
I should stop thinking altogether. and be just a simple plankton creature that survives on garbage.

seriously, why bother????
frustrated!!!! why frustrated?? no idea!!!
I hate to be alone with my thoughts.

I wish to run my head into a vending machine, and trade my brain for a can of pokka green tea.

谷村新司(Tanimura Shinji). I highly think that he sung the theme song for the Jap version anime of 三国演义. And yes, I am correct. Suddenly love all his songs. Has this feel of 沧桑, that I am intoxicated with. I feel 沧桑, its a poetic sadly beautiful image, of which I can't be 沧桑, yet because you can acquire that aura only after you have went through alot of things. 沧桑 came from 沧海桑田, which literally means "the sea has become the land", how much change would that be? If I'd gone through "sea-land" exchange, probably I'd get the 沧桑 feel.



Tanimura Shinji, new playlist favourite.

My grandparents are leaving in about an hour

:(((((

damn sad. But I shan't show it, lest I see my grandparents cry.

Just about a few days ago, I was riding a bus back to hall, suddenly I was seized with fear that after this departure, I might never see my grandfather again. TOUCHWOOD ttm!!! But it is a real fear, and I pray hard that it won't happen and next year, I MUST GO BACK! Spending time with my grandfather is getting increasingly more and more important, because time is running out.

Something cheered me up tho, I was able to strike up a conversation with my secondary school crush, haha.

Haha, see wahjong in the background.

Counting down: 2 hours.

Somebody talk to me, I am drowning in sadness.

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."

yeT another bloody mouthed picture

Random sex-related post

There's always something mysteriously arousing about blood on lips (2.04).

Blood itself is highly excitable. I always feel a queer tingle when I see blood. It's color, viscosity and smell tease the senses. Somehow touching blood to the lips highlights the redness, and accentuates the whole impact. Possibly the notion that, it is through the mouth that blood enters, and tainting the gates somehow makes it devilishly beautiful.

Or maybe it's just that "Blood red" lips are the embodiment of Sex, and poking the lips to let out the blood accentuates the Sexiness. I can't begin to describe or analyse how the two images can combine to give such powerful sensations, the futility frustrates me.

In which case, I shall just post more bloody lips to make my point.

Focus on the lips. But LOL at the picture. If an essay's to be written based on this picture, what shall the title be?? (eg. Snow White's Guide to Seducing Birds)

This is just funny. Should dare Gerald to do this for block command. :)

What did I say about sex? Blatantly. Blood in the mouth + irrelevant clothing = sex

And to top it off! AAHAHAHAHHA

Koi Bubble Tea is overrated leh

Yup, it is overrated, yakun milk tea is way better.

So, today's the last Personal Growth Group session, felt that I have brought back a luggage full of valuable lessons. And the last part where everyone said their comments/feedback/something to me, I was actually truely touched.

Mr Low: learn to experiment, stop thinking so much, just do it.

Rachel: Don't rush into maturity, it comes when it comes, meanwhile treasure the child and innocence in you which is as precious as it can be.

Pei Yin: ...

Jin Sheng: There's something about self-limiting that troubles both of us, we have the potential to be who we want to be, so let's just drop the self-limiting factor and go all out and experiment with things.

Meng Jie: something about our 淡淡的忧郁

Gao Shuai: (shit I can't rmb)

YoYo: (can't rmb)

Truong: try to grab hold of one thing(out of many that I want) at a time (so I infer, exact words quite forgotten)

Ivy(or so I rmb, which I doubt, till I rmb): you are a fun person, people would want to hang out with you, just show them who you are.

Anyhow, despite my lousy memory (I was trying to rmb everything everyone said, because, it is important to me), the feeling was indescribable. It's not joy, not sadness, not zen neither. But I did feel touched at the point in time, and I felt accepted despite all the problems I had. Also when giving comments myself, I felt my heart grew bigger.

Who doesn't have problems? We can either accept our problems or deal with them, or both for that matter. It's really no use conforming to what's normal. What's wrong with being weird? Everybody is different, and that's what's beautiful about it.

Out of the 24 human strengths, I identified 12 of them in me. And I identified 3 more which I will work on especially : Spirituality, vitality and persistence.

And I should learn to take risks, take more risks, while I can.

All in all, I am so glad that I joined the group, it is one of the best choices I have made (though I have made many good choices).

Oh well, feeling at peace with all.

Multi-multi-tasking

I am starting to behave like a computer, in which case, I will ace cs1101, because this course is supposed to make us think like computers, I am in fact more advanced than that because I am behaving like a computer, soon I will be square.

Extreme multi-tasking:

Writing notes for command seniors;

Burning music for grandfather;

Doing tutorial;

Reading lecture notes;

Copying tutorials;

Listening to 美しきもの;

and of course blogging.

inner peace is attained, I am floating through life like I should and I am more focused than ever. I no longer envy people's seemingly fun lives, because I don't care about them anyway now.

and william will just hang me upside down on a tree next week coz I havnt started doing anything related to Games yet. Lol and they have started recruiting OGLs, and I know shit about the other com members' names. ra ra ra ra ra. feel like QUITING games. yucks.

ok bye

Melio and Eugene

M.

look at my hand, this is and honest hand.

It bares the work of a lifetime, it's beautiful isn't it?

Hands can't lie, they always tell the tale of one's path to the present;

if the hand is too smooth, it has been another's back that has dealt with the earth.

And if the hand is too coarse, it is only the earth that it understands.

http://www.tombendtsen.com/4lives/files/page8-1001-full.html

Not trying to be deep. But it brings to mind the images of my father's hands and mine.

And the curious intricacies when our hands connect. One smooth one course, one blooming one yielding, one fresh one rich. My father, the man who brought me to life, the man to educated me, the man who loved me unconditionally. I am so thankful, that I have my father.

One piece 1101

i always thought it was very Nice indeed of One piece to not kill anybody at all. All villains so far survived and continue to be spotted in ongoing story.

what I complain is that why break the blissful living tradition?

why kill characters?

that were so WELL LIKED ALIVE!

and they didn't even appear much!

its like their appearance is to die.

and why must there be 2???

one is bad enough! 2?!

and I dun mind White Beard dying initially, coz he wasn't really hard crafted, just that I knew he was very powerful. Now that I saw his fight, he just totally shouldn't die.

But Ace! Why kill him after painfully creating him?? And he havn't even appeared up to the amount equal to his bloody importance.

Maybe it's the "Death of an important someone" triggering more events to come.

But it's sooooo tragic!

It makes me SO SAD. the thought of the picture whr Ace died, with a smile somemore, is just unbearably painful.

then again, it makes One Piece so real, that it stabs my heart with the death of 2 characters so well crafted.

aha, just received a msg from NUS dharma circle. "do you wish to become a monk/nun but didn't because you think that you're not ready yet?"

AMUSED

It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

hmm, this probably ties in with the "third person effect". Anything outside urself is either simplified or accentuated. I guess in this case, it's simplified.

Anyway, I still think I am interesting. Except that I should make myself MORE interesting. Shall camp at a bookstore one day. Me like the idea. Sipping a cup of hot chocolate, with a good book in hand, on a bright sunny day, on a windy rooftop, with Taemin dancing in the background. aha, bliss.

蝉の時雨

中譯：「美麗的萬物」
你最喜歡的
這段旋律(Melody)...
在天空之中
回響著口風琴(Harmonica)的樂聲...
*天使擁抱著
窗沿為框的畵布(Draw)...
看啊...這幅風景畫(Paysage)...
很美麗吧?
其中是(C'est)——
清風傳播...
淡淡花香...
春之追憶...
美麗的聲音...
詠唱的少女(Monica)...
鳥兒的鳴叫...
指針的前進 →
其中是(C'est)——
藍天無垠...
流雲飄蕩...
夏之追憶...
美麗的聲音...
詠唱的少女(Monica)...
蟬之時雨...
指針的前進 →
如此美麗...
你所告訴我的景色...
一直都難以忘卻...
『美麗的萬物』...
聚集於此爲了...
生命降臨的到來...
你所擁抱的
短暫的季節(Season)...
痛苦如同落雨的
承重的打擊著...
「不用擔心喲」...
笑著説道的...
你的容貌(Visage)
難以忘記... ...
其中是(C'est)——
夜晚的窗邊...
微笑著月亮...
秋之追憶...
美麗的聲音...
唱歌的少女(Monica)...
昆蟲的展翅...
指針的前進 →
其中是(C'est)——
大地無垠...
白雪微眠...
冬之追憶
美麗的聲音...
歌唱的少女(Monica)...
時間的凋謝...
指針的前進 →
真美呢...
你所存在於美景之中...
永遠忘卻不了...
『美麗的萬物』...
集合於此爲了...
生命來臨的匆匆......
你所馳騁的
短暫的季節(Season)...
病痛的焰火
灼燒著身體...
「啊啊...真是美麗」...
笑著逝去...
你的面容(Image)
無法忘卻......
你誕生於那天早晨...
原本是個愛哭鬼的我...
也變成了小姐姐——
玩耍著...
雖然那麽小...
但我感到很自豪......
痛苦搖曳於
生命的荒野上
『美麗的萬物』探尋著的
縱橫馳騁
其實在那地平綫
旅途之中的你
爲何睡着了
美好的令人想起了......
你所喜歡的
這段旋律(Melody)...
在天空之中
回響著口風琴(Harmonica)的聲音...
Repeat*
「我看到世界上最美麗的光
並且將這花抱在胸前
爲了Laurant的自己 繼續歌唱」
「那裏有Roman在嗎?」

this is about the most listened song on my playlist. it calms me down, and like the title says, Beautiful Things. I am surrounded by so many beautiful things, why do I still want more? What stems the in-satisfaction in me?

I had known all along that I am no longer the person I was. Am I more or less than before? I do not wish to go on thinking. The gapping hole is unbearable. What can I do to fill this hell of a gap up? I do not want to be that another girl with a vacuum in the heart. No I'm not suicidal.

Why has life become so difficult? Why had I become so whiny? Why am I not happy with what I have?

Will I come back?

Will I be who I want to be?

Will I stop doubting?

Everyone has problems, and I'm glad someone pays attention to mine, which bugs me even though it doesn't seem like a problem to them.

It's hard to be the person I want to be. Hard to really don't care about what people think, especially those that I care about, I am afraid they'd think me lousy. But why do I have such thoughts? Why do I think myself lousy? Am I lousy? What makes me lousy?

Volley captaincy, not something I'm dying to do, I just see no harm in taking it up, but I already fathom the stress and feels the weakness in my knees. Am I not suitable for bigger things? Am I fated for menial, normality? Such questions fill me up and fill me up somemore, should my head be rigid, it would have exploded. Is it not good to think? It is good to not think?

Almost one year into uni, I am still learning to adapt. I thought I was good at adapting, there we go, I thought, seems like everything's been in my mind, was I ever outside? If I shan't think about what I am, that leaves me no limits, and somehow that's better? Well, if trying to define myself is so hard, then I should give it up totally. Things are much simpler when I only need to think LIKE/NO LIKE. I shan't be bothered with what others have that I don't and that I have and others don't, not much space left in my head to do that I guess.

And it was a pleasant surprise that Russell, my long ago Jap class classmate was a graduate from SoC also. I was very Surprised!! Other than surprised, there's pretty much nothing else to tell her though. And it's a pretty wierd feeling to leave the conversation hanging at "I am so surprised". But I really am so surprised. Just that it really do end here. Full Stop.

A rare photopost

A day out with my grandparents and my new grandma's daughter's friend.
It is taxing and challenging. My gosh, I feel grown-up.
I confirm don't like people to stick to me and hold-on to me. I like to swing my hands when I walk. My grandfather held my hand all the way, and at times squeezed my fingers, and did all sorts of things I would totally abhore if it were any other people. Anyhow, some pictures. I am contemplating getting a camera, my phone's 2.0megapixel just is unsatisfying.I didn't intend this to be the first photo, I just can't figure out the blogger upload thing. Anw it's my effort attempt to look girlish and sweet. Which I just end up looking like a meat loaf. Owells, my life is already good as it is, I shouldn't complain more.
Awesome photographing skills please, look how I captured the sunlight shining on them. Blissfully happy :)
The flower of the cannonball tree, looks like something out of the sea.
The black stuff in the green thing is ants.
my cute grandfather. He loves to take picture of me not looking at the camera, so I took this to make my point to him, but he seems to like this pic, so I guess I didn't make my point.
This is awesomely nice, standing within the waterfall and looking out. Pity didn't have a better camera but nvm, I need to consider the pros and cons of getting a camera.
This is called the Cannonball tree, probably because its flowers fall off the tree randomly. It is a sweet-smelling tree, and its flowers look like sea anemone, I picked one, which I put on my grandfather's shirt, natural cologne, but accidentally squashed later.
My blissfully happy grandparents :)
Fat...feeling extremely fat....

I feel exhausted...by school and family. I am the ultimate saikang warrior at home, although I don't have to wash cook mop, but I just have to do everything I am being asked to, and often it is everything. It's my Dad's way of connecting to me, coz he feels the gap between us getting bigger, so he orders me around. The gap is inevitable, because now I have other things to buzz about, and I have no time for him, he probably is afraid that one day I'd leave him. But calling me and demanding me to do this and that and telling me that it's my duty just pisses me off. I'd choose to think it's my problem, because I'm not that tenacious enough to be balancing so many things on my libra. I think I'm entering the phase where blissful slacking is a luxury and I would be asking myself "What have I forgotten to do?" when I actually find time to not do anything. I don't want my life to be like this...I want to live my life the fantasical way...sighz.

Anyhow, today was pretty ok, except I could have finished my readings instead of running around singapore. BUt then again, anything to do with my grandparents come first ahead of everything, because my grandfather is 80, and the next time I see him he probably won't remember me, I must treasure all time I have with him, and no complaints! My midterms I will still own them like anything because I said I will.

Funny thing I remember about today:

why Singapore's soldiers must go Tw and thailand to train. Because in singapore, their cannons can easily accidentally shoot out of country. aha.

Chingay Heartland Show

Last night was Chingay Heartland Show at Tampines.
I stood on the float and paraded around Tamp. It was quite an experience, quite contrary to what I expected.
First to note is that, once again im made to believe, nothing is easy, even standing on the float, smile and waving your hand. Its not easy. After the whole thing, my left hand want to quit on me, my cheeks are set in the smiling position, and my yao just want to duan. And I realized, initially I waved enthusiastically like how I would wave everyday, the spastic shaking of the wrists and wide sprawled fingers, after awhile it will automatically become the gracefully rotating of the wrist and closed up fingers, that the queen taught in the Princess Diaries. The reason behind that is not to appear refined and graceful, its to conserve energy. Really.
Secondly, I love small kids! They are soo gullible and cute! The small girls look at me with awe in their eyes, I was super amused and euphoric on adolescent admiration. Some asked me "Jiejie, are u a fairy?" ahahahahaha. I am I am. 200% fairylic. Except one rude little boy who shouted "Oi You think u very good arh" when our float drove past. Actually ya, I think I'm very good and you little boy will grow up deformed and impotent.
The fun part of the parade was actually when the float went past unpopulated roads and the driver sped up, I stood and sit at the edge of the float and enjoyed the wind on my face. We had no safety belts or anything to secure ourselves to the float, the danger of falling off and the proximity of the running ground below somewhat excites me. Images of train-jumping heroics flashed before me, and I almost was tempted to imitate. Why did I not do it? Anyhow, sitting on the edge and swinging my legs was an experience not to be exchanged for anything.
Last thing to mention was, my face was documented in countless digital photos (none mine), well, it's a nice thing to know. A mini semi-5-minutes-of-fame, even though they don't know who I am, I hope they remember me as "the Fairy" ahaha, let me shuang abit.
Lastly lastly, one of the people who requested to take photo with us was a major MO-BENG MOLESTFUL LOSER!!! Before he poses, he will specially request us to put our hands on our waist (like a teapot handle), THEN he will grab our waists through the opening, and inch UPWARDS!!! STUPID MOBENG!!! AND THEN HE WILL SQUEEZE OUR WAISTS! OMGGGGG........OMG.........OMG........stupid mobeng, I hope ur face explodes.

I came home this morning, totally just kao bei my cousin, straight in the face. Nah, I know he is pitiful somewhat, but it is he who requested to not be pitied, so I think I am respecting him by not pitying him at all. I know he tells my Dad and my grandparents that he thinks i'm "still young" and he is "too cultured/insert nice word" to be calculative with me. Screw you! If that's what you think, I will just be the ultimate jerk I need be.

I know relationships need time and effort, just like grooming your plant. So far, this one with my cousin is like weed, I see no blooming in the near future, I am not powerful enough to exterminate it either, it's just there to irritate me, fml. Oh wells, I guess I would have to be grateful for him to set a benchmark as low as that, which will make me appreciate whatever other awful people I come into contact with seem like pure lovely people.

bad day bad mood

Today began as any other day. Except for a few things that spoiled my zest.
1) Ace died. I mourn deeply.
2) I screwed up my sit-in-lab 2, totally dunno how to do and totally cannot concentrate due to 1)
3) the pissedfulness is just there, brought forward or not, but im just pissed.

I have decided to go home and sadly give wendy's bday celebration a miss. I do not want to screw my day up even further, to be honest.I dun blame anybody, it's just not within my control to behave normally around certain group of people.

ACE YOU CANNOT DIEEEE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ACEEEEEEEEE
WHY
WHY HWY WHYE ALSDFKJDL JDLKF
AAHHHHHHH!!!!
I HATE AKAINU I HATE AKAINU I HATE AKAINU!!!!
I HATE BLACK BEARD I HATE BLACK BEARD I HATE BLACK BEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT ACE AND WHITE BEARD BACK :'(

One Piece :)))

I wonder if anyone would ever make One Piece a studying text, would I still love it as much?
To study it would mean closely and SYSTEMATICALLY examine the strokes, the style, the combination of words and pictures, will that screw up the most powerful manga of all times just like it screw up for everything else? If I had to remember every other line, every appearing character, every event...I might go loony.
How I wish that the world created in One Piece is real, I yearn so much that I find real world pirates fascinating, because they are the next best most similar people around. I wonder how their lives are like. Do they still use cannons. Are they as evil as they seem on the news? I'd love to see that. Or maybe join them. I swear I must leave Singapore the minute I graduate. For good? Dunno. But it will be a long time before I come back here.
yesterday I had the worst mood swing ever I could get. I dunno why I was so moody, but the mood just settles in and refused to leave. I just can't get excited at whatever is happening around me. I wish I could just sleep away. I would if I don't have a bastard econs tutorial at 10.
my studies have begun to slack down just like last sem I realised, need to buck up, I want that cap 5.0 confirm.
I hate the mundane routine school life. I want adventures. I want to fall into the rabbit hole and immerse in fantasy.
One Piece will salvage me for now. Hope that it never ends. never ever.

I have 4 midterms in two consecutive days!
Perfect!
Lalalala.
Witness my death ppl!

虎年快乐!

我特别喜欢中国风的歌曲。配搭背景古色古香的变换，把人带入中国古代的壮阔和魅力。
这首词《龙文》，简述了中华5000年来的历史、创作、流传。
告诉我，如此美丽，怎能不让人着迷？

suck suck

Revelations!
I feel damn gao wei now.
totally damn humiliated by my past.
why the fuck did I do what I did?
was I freaking blind???

attachment

i wonder whether will I ever feel strong attachment to something, somewhere, someone, or somewhat.
I don't like the feeling of detachment.

I just had the best dream ever

Sidenote, the previous post seem so loserish! It's really different to see things in different moods. I'm feeling excited now cuz I totally had an awesome fantasy dream just now.

I bet if it was made into a movie, it will make avatar decolour.
It's a motion picture viewed from my kitchen window. I wasn't doing anything but perching at the window when all of a sudden the night sky turned aura-fully purple, the full moon disappeared only to be replaced by 12 odd looking glowing things. My HDb block is thn flooded with black water from first level up to the third. The sight tt I could not forget is one that hundreds of deitys were walking on The black water chasing after huge monstrous fishes surfacing from the depth of the water. It is one devilishly beautiful scene.

Soon after I heard screams coming from the flats. It appears that there were evil things apparating everywhere. I rmb exclaiming to myself that wow it's like union appearance of all the evil characters of every movie, except tt I can't b exactly which I saw. Horrible things were happening. Kids were being tossed out of their windows and mutilated imaginatively. Oddly nothing happened to me as I stand watching in horror. The atrocity escalated and lives were being played around like nobodies business. I felt devastation as I could in real life. Eventually the purple sky subsided and the huge full moon emerged triumphantly, the evil beings disappeared leaving no trails behind except for the ringing of their evil laughter. It was like a recess period for them before they had to go back to where they came from.

Just as I was wondering why only the bad n evil characters came, the heroes came. Although I dunno why they came because the bad guys were already gone. I guess my dream wants to be complete in some ways. Anyhow the heroes came, some even joined me in the shower, lololol. Anyhow I rmb I was pushed through this neonish machine that melts these thick ropes such that when I pass through the melted things wrap around my body like a tight suit, there and then I transformed and became a hero. After which nothing much except I parolled and showed off my suit and sowed seeds that is part of my heroic abilities.

Yup, awesome dream. I can't help but wonder why the evil parts are more elaborate than the good ones. Maybe I am secretly dark and evil and is the incarnation of some evil king of some sort. Somehow this thought is not unappealing at all.

Reconcile

I'm not exactly sure what Reconcile means, I just have the feeling that it's somewhat relevant to how I am feeling now. Now in the limited comfort the sofa can offer.
Everytime my grandparents and my parents talk to me about my childhood memories, I feel so proud, I was the embodiment of what I want to bewhen I was young. I was adventurous, bold and unafraid. I realized my fear for social activities was more innate than I thought because as a kid I disliked big groups of unfamiliar people even though they were kids like myself. But at other points where I'm not socially handicapped I'm quite a friendly entertainer who loved others to take a piece of her joy. I was really what I want to be now.
Evaluating who I am now, I impress myself less than I did when I was a kid. I am more fearful towards things unknown and I am less determined. Albeit I'm still as socially handicapped as ever, if not more.
Recently I find it hard to accept my shortcomings I don't know why. I always subconsciously try to impress people with my nonchalance or random spontaneity. As fake as I hate to be.

Raa

I boiled boiling water just now.
I am partially scalded by boiled boiling water.
I am feeling ambivalent now, coz its amazing that boiling water can be further boiled and that I am utterly stupid.
Anyhow I had really storilistic dreams last night, more like this morning coz I just woke up. Its totally about uni life as how I saw it before I came to uni myself. It was more scandalous than I thought I thought. Yet now my life is clean as a sheet of printing paper. Not sure whether I should complain, but I really find this more or less boring. I need excitement in my life...
chingay =/ to excitement, fyi. it is a evil monster which eats up all my family time and makes me feel horribly guilty towards my parents.
My dad is getting a new TV, finally, I bet his wrapping his jumping-joys up with fake sorrow just so that my mom wont explode. Haha. But he wants me to go shop with him, and today is his freeday, yet Im not. I yearn to spend quality time together with my family because I know, it will be harder to come by in the future. sad face.
Anyhow.
I went to the Personal Growth Group on thursday. It was very surprising. I got to know myself better. I realised I appear to be someone who don't care about other's opinions, but in actual fact, I care about more than anybody. I live on the appraisals (partly) from others, which is a bad thing. I need to stem my confidence and self-esteem from within myself. I need to love myself, and just saying it wont make it real. I need to be the person I can love.

I wonder

Why is the world so image driven?
Why do everybody yearn to LOOK good?
Why do all the GOOD-LOOKING people get all the attention?
If we were to evolve so much that our eyes disappear, what will happen?
Anyhow, I really need something that can define myself.
Like you know, Fabregas - the footballer, TVXQ - the korean boy band yadda yadda.
What will follow : Wan Yi - .........?
QLC totally man.

I want to dieeee

mind gruelling mind gruelling!!!!!!!!!!!!!

complaints n more complaints

The week is coming to an end and Im dying to go home, sobz which I cant due to stupid hall activities.

My Friday time table is a BITCH!More so because first lesson 9 bloody in the morning is CS1231, nothing more mind-grueling than arguing about logic first thing in the morning when ur mind thinks of nothing but ur bed.

Yesterday was end of IHG for me, totally warm the floor with my butt can, darn boring. bloody bitch. If I am to be captain next year, I will be an aweinspiring one. I will not laff like an idiot before the match and nua during the match like a stupid potato.

Anyhow, I wanna go HOME ><

FML

I just squeezed all the pimples and bums I have on my face, FML, like will never end.

Highlight of the day, I found a new eyecandy. Hehe Terrence who plays badminton. He just exudes grace from all his pores like nobody's business. ah ah ah.

Meditation

Totally irrelevant and irritating: I keep getting msn invites from random emails who want to show me their naked bodies on webcam. wtf...I'm not a man..and if i want to see a woman I can just see myself.

Back to meditation.
Never had I thought that I would actively seek out something as static and consuming and seemingly boring activity as meditating. It is barely half an hour since the session ended, and I already have no memory on what I had actually done. But I can feel that it has its benefits, and these benefits can only begin to be reaped after a number of meditating sessions. Even so, I now feel more refreshed and peaceful. I have less negative dreadful feelings at this current moment, and I guess it is somewhat comforting to know.

Toodoos. Fats and oil beckoning me.

lol

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

lol damn funny

As a record...

I signed up for two courses/workshop that just one year ago I would totally scorn at. "Personal Growth" and "Meditation".
Suddenly, the inner and spiritual me wants to take over.
Sometimes, I feel the worldly evils are so oppressive that it seems like a good idea to just end everything.
I believe suicidal thoughts exist in everybody's head now and forever. It depends on whether it is enough to push you over the border between dying and living. Both require equal amount of courage, imo.
So far, I still want to stay alive. weak smily :>

I used to complain that I think too little, too shallow, too obvious. Yet now I feel it's happier that way. The more things you discover, and the deeper you delve, the darker it seems.

I hope meditation is a way out to this mental turmoil and put some weight into my feet so that I can feel truly alive...

year of the firsts

yes it's the year of firsts and the first memorable thing i did is Bikini wax.

really it's not as awful as it seemed on TV. I opted for a FULL OFF coz it was recommended to do so such that it will less painful when I want to get a heart-shaped crop. yes and I want to dye it pink.

after the wax, it just doesn't look like mine anymore. a baldy stranger. i really will not tolerate regrowth.

yup, its quite an experience similar to getting my first facial and the first time I used a tampon, and the first time I got a slimming treatment.

I am bloody sleepy now due to chingay drilling and volleyball(which is slowly turning into a bitch). Chingay was superbly irritating because I had to endure it with an empty stomach, and it made me angry, compound with Bryan's snide remarks, it just might trigger off the insanity in me. On the other hand volleyball, I suddenly became second-class citizen without any warning whatsoever. I think Jacinth does not make a good captain. Trainings has no structure and no planning, and it makes ppl feel that they are left out, which is in eternity never a good feeling. And I super dislike the uncertainty to whether or not I will play, keeping me hanging...I have to go for training all the time wondering what for?

Im gonna sleep nao...